Being Real

Many times I find myself dreaming of the person I want to be in the future...mostly what I dream my relationship with God will be like. Sometimes I set goals, but many times I find myself looking back to see what has impacted my present, learn to surrender and sort out that issue, and move forward into greater joy with God. But I also find that at times religion instead of relationship comes forth. Sometimes it is pain or temptation that I'm dealing with that makes me put on a facade so that people don't think that there's something wrong with me. It makes me wonder, how many times do we put on that facade...the religious stuff just so people can see that our "faith" is genuine. How many times do we have to fake it before we make it?

This Christianity thing is serious. It's a serious relationship with a real being. It's a serious thing because God told us from the get-go that we can't keep this to ourselves. But we do. Jesus accepted the outcasts...why can't we? Jesus accepted the dirty...why can't we? Jesus dined with the sinners...why can't we? Jesus even ministered to the aliens in the land...why can't we?

Sometimes God has to use pain...real pain...in order to wake us up and get our attention. And I'm talking about some real personal stuff here - it hurts, but man is the joy amazing! It's kinda like reminding us that we are a live and that we are real so be real. It's not about the number of lives we save...how much money we give in the offering pot...how many friends we have. I've stood behind the curtains many times looking around to see where people are at...do you know how many people I've seen who watch the pastors preach, who listen to the worship leaders, who come to the Bible studies, who pray who look at the people who belong to the Church and ask "is this even real? Is any of this real?"

And it's not about pushing yourself, beating yourself up, playing the guilt/shame game in order to be that better Christian...believe me been there done that. It comes from deeper intimacy with God...that quiet time just getting to know God and opening more and more of your heart to Him. The strength to face what we must as Christians can only come from God and the people in my life who have this strength have often faced the deepest, most difficult trials in their life.

So Church, are you ready to enter into this intimacy with God? If you are you better be open to letting go of things you hold onto in your heart. Boy, am I struggling with this! But oh such sweet peace and joy...the intimacy with God...to sit at His feet...it's worth it! I just hope that before I even talk the talk that my walk is the thing that people see...I hope my walk is what transforms the lives around me...less speaking more moving! Booyah Church; you ready?!

I think the faith to move mountains comes

Oppression and Injustice

Well I finished the semester! Was it a success? Not according to academic terms but I find myself succeeding in so many other ways!

However, I find myself with my heart tenderly broken over things in this world. As if the stories of oppression and injustice people around the world have to face have been a razor slowly puncturing my heart, which now oozes out a passion to bring Jesus' love to these people. The faces I see when I sleep hearkening back to that night I contemplated suicide, wrenching my heart in two. The many videos of the evil I've seen in this world slowly breaking my heart to the point where I can no longer stand the sight of my own prosperity.

And it's all made me wonder what the Church is doing to help Christians respond to the oppression and injustice in the world. The only reason why I'm listening and responding is because of the injustice my family has faced. This life is not about worldly prosperity by any means even though a lot of Christians point to this in the Bible, this is not the prosperity I want in my life. I find it all meaningless in comparison to God's glory - which is the true prosperity in this life.

What do you see when you see the face of starving children? Do you see a child who needs clothes and food? Or do you see a child who needs the hope of the world? Do you see a woman battered and broken at the hands of evil men, or do you see a woman who needs compassion and an open door to a better life. Too often we Americans are quick to act but slow to listen. Oh, Church, how many have we wronged by becoming their crutch - by becoming the ones who think we can "save" when the only Savior in this life is Jesus. Our job is to bring them hope and open doors not be The Hope or The Open Door.

All these lives I see, slowly slipping away because they are unable to find that unconditional love. And all these lives that think they can save but who are really causing many to fall as well as themselves. Church where are we going? Have we become so consumed with our own business and prosperity that we give out of our excess? "Oh I have an $20 I can spare this month, so I'll put that in the offering." or "Oh that lady has no shoes, I'll just give her a pair I don't really use." What if we gave $200 instead of $20? What if we gave our favorite pair of shoes to someone who needed them?

My heart breaks for those who are suffering from oppression and injustice right now, but my heart breaks even more for those of us in the Church who think that we can be the answer to their prayers - we are NOT; only Jesus can be! Where would the Church be if we just became the actual body of Christ - the Church that has not been tainted or touched by man but is pure in its virginity???

Think about that.

The Right Thing Even When It's Hard

What do you do when you face the person who is behind the reason for your family's suffering? You forgive and reconcile. Twice in one day this past week, out of the blue, I ran into my mom's former boss. I was completely taken off guard and I realized I wish I had prepared my heart more for the right reaction. I knew some day I was going to run into him, and I knew that I would have to know what my reaction would be. A Christ-like reaction, a reaction based on scripture, and a reaction that is sensitive to the Holy Spirit's work in that person's life. We never actually talked but this really got me thinking. How did Jesus do this? To look Judas in the eye and forgive him before he even did anything wrong? Wow! That's a place of maturity in Christ that I want to be in. I want to know without a doubt that I can forgive in an instant and that I never have to question later if I truly forgave or not. And to be quite honest, because of God's goodness and His love this situation doesn't really feel all that bad. I truly feel like we got the better end of the situation because we never have to battle against the temptation of guilt and shame. Our battle is a battle solely on forgiveness and because of God we can forgive. And I love what my mom told me - she has been so heroic and Christ-like in all of this. But she told me that by me seeing "him" that means that we need to be praying for him more because the hound of heaven is chasing after him. And you know what, I want to be at that place in my heart where I'm so settled in my forgiveness that I can look at him and smile. Lord, give me the courage like Esther to do the right thing even when it's hard....

Why Does it take until life gets hard?

I've been really pondering over how lazy I have been in my walk with the Lord. Sure I get up and read the Bible, I sing and pray to God all day long, but am I really being Christ to other people in this world? Am I really being that"new creation" that I've come to love thinking about. Why is it that it takes me until my life gets tough to really begin to live as a Christian? Why is it that the most beautiful things come out of the most terrible times? To see the transformation in my family when we are walking through THE MOST DIFFICULT thing we have ever experienced. I almost am glad that this happened to us. I'm almost dancing for joy that the Lord chose us to walk through this pain because I have seen my whole family walk with the Lord in such wonderful ways. My mom has always been beautiful and full of love, but now the beauty of the Lord is just radiating from her, even when tears are streaming down her face. And my dad, the boldness in his authority, which comes from the Holy Spirit, is like nothing I've ever seen before. And for me, I am no longer walking around anxious and afraid. I am no longer dreading school or fearful of saying something wrong around people. I'm no longer afraid of being rejected. And even though I hurt inside I have such incredible joy and peace in my life that it all doesn't seem so big. This is what happens when God puts us through the fire. And I feel like this is just the beginning - there is more to come. I keep an image of the Lord always in my minds eye. An image of Jesus sitting on top of a white horse, clothed in armor that shines like the sun, eyes as deep as the deep blue sea, with a sword raised above His head causing demons to run in fear. This is who Jesus is to me - and this is what I hold onto and will continue to hold onto til the day He returns. The Lord reigns!!

This Is SOOO Hard!

In many ways over the past nearly two months now I have come to have a deeper understanding of the suffering that those within the persecuted church feel almost daily. This understanding of the pain the innocent feel over sin's injustice to them. This situation is becoming less and less surreal and more and more my life. I thought I had been walking in forgiveness really well but until I came to Bethel but this overwhelming feeling of my loss of security brought up bitterness, anger, and betrayal rose up and I find myself at this point of forgiving on a daily basis but then something comes up and I'm back to that point of needing to forgive. What's also difficult about being here at Bethel is that I am walking through this all alone. No one else here understands what I am going through and I can't tell. I've felt myself running away emotionally and relationally from those around me because I CAN'T Tell and they wouldn't even care to know what is really going on. And also many of my friends here they seem to live in such a way that if you love the Lord then you would show that by being joyful. Well I do love the Lord, more than many people understand. And it is my desire to know Him more, but I've learned that I didn't grasp things the way I should when I was younger, it either was because I wasn't taught it in the right way - that people had downsized it for me to grasp as a child - or I just wasn't taught it period. So I've spent the last year really seeking after loving the Lord with all my heart, all my soul, all my mind, and all my strength. But there are just so many habits I've formed in the past, so many mindsets, so many hurts, so much junk! That the transformation is slow and painful, but yet God through the Holy Spirit is transforming me. And as far as joy goes - I express my joy differently. I have no desire to have that kind of joy that makes people be really loud, zealous, and sometimes unable to sense that there are situations where that just isn't necessary. I desire the peaceful kind of joy, the joy that maybe I dance, and maybe once in a while I shout out praises to the Lord but the joy is seen in my eyes and my countenance is quiet and at peace.

So to continue with this situation that my family is in, I am learning to see the Lord every single day in each situation. I seek His face; I search out where the Holy Spirit is going and what He is doing here on earth. The trees outside the window remind me of God's protection, life, and provision. Within my books I see God moving me into a position of preparation for one being stretched but also understanding in a more humanity way how to love my neighbors. I am learning to live in peace even when my life is anything but. Putting on the armor has been more of a reality to me - life here in America is too safe and it's so easy to put our guard down and Satan sneaks in. And as far as joy goes - I'm still working at that. I cry almost daily now - I cry for my mom; I cry for Bethel; I selfishly cry for myself; and I cry at the loss of relationships. I've had to make sacrifices so I can find time to do my studies as well as seek after the Lord. But I don't like this feeling that I'm running away from so much. Every day I am reminded that this is not my home, so my anticipation of Heaven has grown so much more. My desire for affection, approval, and love from friends and those people around me is still here but so much less than it used to be. I pray that the Lord would transform my heart to understand what it means to be in community with people while still not seeking their approval and affection.

Lord I am growing tired, but I am strengthened through Your love. People don't understand me and they never will. So teach me how You want me to love my neighbor while still making my desire for your love the first priority in my life. My heart hurts so much within me but Your balm of Gilead is applied to my heart every day and I am able to live. God, I have so much within my heart and but I thank You that You know everything and everyone of my thoughts. I do not wish this situation to be over until I and my family are transformed more into Your image and I do not wish this situation to be over until I see Bethel be transformed and these individuals whose sin caused my family this suffering come into repentance and turn back to the Lord with a greater Love for God Almighty. It is situations like this that can bring the greatest change and I know Lord that You are on our side because you fight for the innocent and for those who Love you Lord. Give us the victory in this case - if not for me than for my mom.

I love you Lord!

In Him I Can Do All Things

"I can do all things through Christ who gives me strength." Philippians 4:13. I find myself meditating on this verse a lot lately because I've always thought of it as doing something, like physically unable to do something and then I rely on God and I'm able to do it. But I missed it...more like I didn't look deep enough until now. You see, this whole mess with Bethel and my mom has been going on for over a month and we're starting to get a little tired of it dragging on in the way that it is. But yet I'm not tired. My emotions are full of peace and joy over the fact that God's got me in His hands and that no matter what my situation I am always able to praise Him and I will always find myself in Him and I will always belong to Him. And physically I'm doing just fine. Mentally I have my days because my flesh wants to get in the way and tempt me into anger, frustration, anxiety, etc. But there's something about this verse that struck me in an unusual way. You see the Bible says that God is love...let me restate that...God IS love - it's is "isness"! Just as I am a woman, God IS love. And when we've taken that step to make peace with God and we ask God to come into our hearts and be Lord over our lives we have this love inside of us - full, complete, not lacking in any form. And with the Holy Spirit inside of us we now have authority and power in Christ because we can claim the name of Jesus over any situation and the same Spirit that raised Lazarus from the dead, healed the lame, gave sight to the blind, bound up the broken hearted, broke the chains of bondage and addiction, will come in power through us to do the same things.

Well that got me thinking. If God through us, because He is in us, gives us the authority to heal, restore, and proclaim victory, and God IS love, then it is love that heals (mentally, physically, spiritually, emotionally, etc.), restores, frees, etc. It's all because of love. But if we claim this authority, this godliness, and have not love while we do it - if we do not love when we lay hands on the sick to claim their healing - then it is not God. Let me repeat...Love heals, Love restores, Love frees, Love transforms...

It is this all-consuming, unconditional love that keeps me going. My mom says she wakes up every morning with a song in her heart - each time it's a different song that just happens to have lyrics that my mom, when she meditates on it, have a profound effect on her day. This Love, named Jesus Christ, gives us strength to keep going, to fight this battle, to proclaim God's love and justice over an area of sin. We can do this, we can win this battle, we can dance with joy in the middle of the storm, because with God, His Love strengthens us to be able to be victorious when we are suffering for the sake of righteousness. I've probably said this before, that there are many times when our flesh feels the full effect of this suffering, but then we surrender our fear, anxiety, worry, pressures, and uncertainty to the Lord and dwell on His love and we become lifted in our Spirits. And this verse, Philippians 4:13 has been taken so lightly, so almost selfishly by so many (and I'm guilty as well) that because I know God He allows me to get 28 points in a basketball game, or helps me get big and strong, etc. That's all good and great but there's something so much deeper here that we are unable to see until we start seeking God's face before we seek His hand. Ask the Lord to reveal to you a deeper understanding of His Word - He did for me. My life right now is full of so much uncertainty and I should be angry - I have a right to be angry but I'm not.

And it's because, going back to this particular verse, God has given me the strength to forgive these people who have hurt me and my family in such a deep way and He has also given me the strength to pray for their restoration and for them to come into a fuller, deeper, understanding of God's love. It's because of this Love in me that I can be stirred to compassion for the ones who have wounded me because I know there is something so much more greater than people's opinions and actions...the God of the Universe, the King of Kings, Lord of Lords, Great High Priest, Most High God loves me...lowly, pathetic, stubborn me. And it is because of this Love, it is because of Christ, that I can have a relationship with God Almighty...why would I ever harbor anger and bitterness in my heart towards someone who cannot see that God loves them, someone who is lost and playing the guilt game on themselves thinking that not even God can forgive them. Why wouldn't I forgive them? God gives me the strength to forgive so that He, through my forgiveness, with His Love, can work in that person's life. I can show the ones who hurt me the Love of God because it is God's love that stirs me to compassion to forgive. I pray you see that, that what I'm saying is clear, because this is such a special and wonderful realization for me.

And I want to end all this by saying that God loves YOU, and that He can never love you any less than He does because for Him to love less means that He becomes less God. God IS love. And when you invite God into your life, to be Lord over your whole life, you will be transformed and found in Him. Be at peace my friends!

Peace Beyond all Circumstances

Peace...it's a fruit of the spirit that I've been thinking a lot about over the past three weeks. For so long I've been working at being at peace in my life and I've never found it until I lived with God's peace. Because of one man's sin my family is suffering for standing up for righteousness - our future is so unsure, I no longer have health insurance, no free parking, no tuition benefit, and my future is so unsure. We've learned to take it day by day and constantly seek our daily bread, to live in forgiveness and compassion and to keep our hearts right before the Lord. This situation causes my future to be so unsure and with finances tight we should be worrying so much more than we are. But you know what, I've got so much peace in my heart...I shouldn't have peace but I've got it - it's the peace that surpasses all understanding!

This has been the hardest yet probably the most amazing thing to happen to my family. It's been surreal and it feels like something out of a movie or book, but yet it's our life these days. So many tears have been shed, so many nights of crying out to the Lord in pain over how unfair and unjust this situation is - how because of a few men's sin my family is suffering because we stood for what was right. Mom says I am the most innocent person in all of this, how I never had a choice to decide if I wanted to go through this. But actually in my heart I chose to go through it; I chose to stand with my family and suffer through this because I stand for the truth and when something tries to tell me I must not stand for righteousness I will contend that. And you know what, I've got such peace. Peace like a river - it's constantly flowing, constantly coming, and constantly being filled with God's peace. In the light of God's glory, goodness and love all of this appears so small, so insignificant. My mom was given a portion of scripture to meditate on and it's found in 2 Chronicles 20 I believe, where the armies of I think it's the Amalikites were advancing against the King of Israel and God told him as he was advancing toward the battle to take his position, stand still, and watch the Lord's salvation come. And by the time the King reached the battle field all the armies advancing against Israel and turned on one another and killed each other. Let's just say we are at the "stand still" part.

I understand more what God means to suffer for righteousness because that's what is happening to us. And yet we are triumphing in so many ways. My mom has a job interview with the University of St. Thomas tomorrow for a position that has almost the same job requirements but more pay and more of an impact on the student body. Somehow, God made a way for me to find all of my school books for the fall for really cheap. And there are so many other things that have happened. We are at peace, we have joy and are diving deep into the love of God and it's so wonderful and so special. I don't share these things because as a matter of pride but as a testimony to God's mighty hand, and I know that these are not anything like someone being healed or an entire village coming to the Lord but they still matter in big ways. Almost baby steps towards what has planned for our future. It's a testing of our faith, developing perseverance and taking God's Word to heart in a way that we have never done before.

I do not know what the future holds, but because I trust God I've got a peace in my heart, it flows like a river, and it's bigger and lasts for an eternity. It is beyond understanding and it dwarfs any situation I'm in. It's the peace that is not contingent on my situation or circumstance (and I could say that about God's love and joy as well). It's a fruit of the Spirit but it is also a gift from God.

I will update more (as much as I can) when things become a bit more clear.

Blessings!!!!!

His Mercies are New Every Morning

I guess it's about time for me to start updating this blog - it's been a couple months. I wont go over what has happened over all those months but there have been some recent things happening. I feel like this blog is an open space for me to just get everything out there because no one reads it. However, do not think that this disappoint me :) You may realize that I'm not necessarily putting stories up here but am applying the Word to situations I am in.

So at the beginning of the summer I moved back home in anticipation of working a lot of hours and spending time with friends. The work hours happened more than actually spending time with friends. While at home I quickly began to sense things were not right and that something was going on that my parents were not telling me. I'll confess I was a little worried my mom was going through depression and that my Dad's job was on the line. I never confessed these fears to the Lord and I feel like that had to do with how anxious and moody I was. God began to work in my heart to trust Him more and more, and my ability to see and understand how much I could trust God began to grow. I started spending more time in prayer than I've ever done before and slowly but surely my heart changed by moving away from constantly wanting to know what people think of me and wanting to please people to it being all God. I was challenged by a friend who said that she saw in me that I was thinking of my self so low that I never thought I was worthy enough to be loved. Woah!! What an eye opener!

Anyways, I was working like an insane amount of hours and next thing I knew I was feeling a real need to pray for my family. I was tired, moody, lonely, confused and I just didn't know what to do. So I began to press my dad to tell me, I feel now that I should have just waited on the Lord to move on their hearts to tell me, but God was preparing me anyways and my Dad was so gracious with me when the truth came out. My mom had been fired from her job at Bethel Seminary in St. Paul and she is innocent of all reasons why she should be fired. And long story short, we are suing Bethel for their illegal actions toward my mother and the events that led up to her being fired. My world has been shake and turned upside down. I never thought in the world that she would be let go in this way and there are so many people that have been horrified and sickened over what has happened. I wont have my mom's tuition benefit anymore, I may be once again without health insurance, and I am paying for almost everything for college. And you know what I have such peace in my heart in the midst of this all!! You see God was preparing me, I knew in my spirit that my mom wont have her job forever, and I know that God provides in wondrous ways because He has in my life. My future is not contingent on the money I will need to help me get the education that I need for my career choice.

The pain that we are going through right now is like a miniature pebble in comparison to God's love. His promises are true to us - we are NEVER alone! And His mercies are new every morning. My mom has been telling me that every morning she wakes up with a song in her heart, and to be honest, I have to for the past 3 months. It's wonderful. I have no idea how people go through these difficult situations without the love of God, but I am so grateful to God that He is pouring His love into my heart. My family is changing and we are walking in faith in a way we haven't before. We are trusting God, we are at peace (granted we do have bad days), and we are even able to comfort those still at the seminary who have been outraged.

Friends, now is the time to surrender all of us to the Lord. The Bible tells us that in the end times everything that can be shaken will be shaken. Are you prepared for that? I don't know a lot of things but what I've learned from different situations is that the only way that you can be prepared for this kind of shaking is to surrender ALL things to the Lord, get your heart right with Him, stop seeking human approval because you'll never be satisfied by it! And as far as money goes, well I am learning to let go of the attachment to money that I've had for almost my whole life - not that I've wanted more and more money, but I have been worried that there wouldn't be enough money for the things that I want or need in life. That's not of the Lord - yes money helps and yes God provides but we should not attach our heart to money in any way shape or form. It is not healthy and it even distracts us from trusting the Lord.

You guys, I pray that you understand how much God loves you and how powerful that love is. It is the most precious gift that we have and will ever receive in our life. Continue to go after God and stoke the fire that is in our hearts. My heart goes out to all of you guys and I hope that your life is continually reflecting God's heart to the world. Never doubt your value and continue to surrender every area of your life to the Lord.

Oh and one more thing, if anyone is actually reading this PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE do not share what has happened to my mom with anyone. I know Bethel has had issues in the past and they've made news headlines before because some students leaked certain stories to the press. I know the people who follow this blog once in a while and I will NOT condone any gossip that is related to this story, although I know most of you are not gossipers.

Much love!!