Even If...

"Kerrigan, do you know what my name is?"

"It's Auntie Eli"

"Do you know what my full name is?"

"What is it?!"

"Eliana"

Which means my God is gracious.

Gathered around the Thanksgiving table I listened while my Dad told the story of how they came across The Tales of the Kingdom books that had been so foundational in growing my faith as a child. They taught me a different side of Jesus that I could understand and relate to and grew to love, a side that hemmed me in, guided me, comforted me, and empowered me. I did not know that they came across these books right after they found out that I was coming into the world during their missions trip in Belize. A country where I supposedly broke the only ultrasound machine that the country owned back in 1990 because I was "dancing for Jesus" as my mom told me. It's a story about Scar Boy, who goes on a journey to escape the evil Enchanter to find the good King. A King who gave Him a new name "Hero". But along that journey, Scar Boy hid behind a giant scar on his face. A scar that he defined everything he was and everything he did through. A scar I could and still find myself hiding behind and defining myself by.

Over this past year I've grown numb in my faith. My system went through a total shock for months on end and I'm still not fully recovered. And yet I'm finding myself on a journey with God where I can honestly feel His hand guiding and leading me. Into what, I don't know, but I'm willing to follow. There was a point where I had to surrender my plans, my desires, my anger, my pleads, and my prayers for God's plan even if it meant I would stay in the pain where I was. And then I was out. And I was in a new territory, untraveled and unknown, with companions and provision, and meaningful work where I was fighting for the protection and healing of children (my heart's longing), but I was still very alone. My heart was scarred over and I could hear God speaking to me again but it didn't change anything of where I was at. I wanted a husband and a family. I wanted someone to hold me at night, to come home to after a hard day and just have dinner together. I wanted a best friend who I could turn and find comfort in. There was a lot of giving and very little receiving. I was learning very quickly that my present network of support required I sacrifice a lot for them. I complained a lot. Yet, even though I wasn't doing a good job of reflecting His image to the world I heard, and even now I hear His voice speaking to me, saying "My precious Daughter, let me be your strength and delight."

I remember one point learning early on in my job that I didn't have the luxury of sitting around and complaining about what was missing in my life. There were thousands of people who needed to hear of God's love for them and I was in a position to really show that to a lot of people. I had to take up my sword and shield and go to work. I had to trudge ahead. I had to be about God's Kingdom work even if it meant I may never marry...that I may never have a family of my own.

It's the story of Abraham and Isaac...a story of God's grace. My God is gracious.

The very same God who breathed the stars into existence, commanded the birds to fly and the fish to swim, who made man in His image. He sees me. He wants to know my heart. And He wants to know that there is nothing that is more important in my life than Him. And I've been fighting it because I want and I long and I hurt. And yet He gave me new life and salvation. He called me out of the pit of despair and beckons me into His presence. He may have spoken to me in the past about the very things I long for as if they were going to happen. And yet repeatedly He asks me to surrender, to lay on the altar the things He promised me. "God will provide the sacrifice" said Abraham to Isaac. I don't say this with joy. But in learning to understand "Even if" I find myself feeling as Abraham may have felt with that knife raised in the air.

God will provide.
My God is gracious.
Even if...my God is always good.