Rising

Last week I took a two day prayer retreat in western Wisconsin in a prayer cabin. I'm pretty sure I was the only one there. When I left I had no idea the journey that God would walk me through in those two days that would totally transform where I was at to a place of power and hope.

Stepping into that cabin Tuesday afternoon I struggled under the load of all the luggage I decided to bring with. I set to work but God had other ideas. "Just rest and be." He told me. So I rested, I read the journal entries in the notebooks left by previous cabin guests. I read back through my journal that I started in college. And as I read I started to remember, I started to see pieces. I brought out my most recent bible study on the armor of God and another devotional on the journey of saying yes to God.

What is the role of suffering and sorrow in our Christian faith I began to ponder. And while I never fully got that question answered God started to reveal the storyline of the last 10 months and what really happened.

It went back to my Sozo prayer time in July of 2014, to the image of me as a flower on the hillside. I was surrounded by a large group of pine trees that stood tall over me. The winds would come, the storms would blow and I was just at peace, delighting in the breezes that lifted me and the sun and rain that would come down on me. For I was sheltered, hidden. For that first year and a half it almost felt like God had put blinders on the devils eyes so he could not track me down. Then the image shifted to me standing in the subway, facing the doors as they were about to open. The moment they open people behind me shoved me out onto the platform where I started to get pushed and shoved. As I tried to get out of the crowd I hear a sinister hiss "There she is!" and then I was knocked to the ground where I continued to be stepped on and pushed down time and time again. I was able to get out of the throng of people only to step out into a think forest. Running for my life I pushed through the brush only to get caught, pushed back, and then the trees seemed to close in all around me. Except they were not trees; they were the demonic forces pushing and holding me down, swarming me like bees. I've had this same image many times over the past 9 months, but this time it was different. I saw the demonic attacks. And when I looked up to the treetops and screamed "God where are you?!" before all there was before me was a covering of darkness. But this time as I screamed out I saw His face through a break in the swarm. I saw Jesus holding out His arm to me, and he was shouting but I could not hear through the noise of the swarm. But He was there shouting, reaching out to me!

For months this had gone on, but I could not see what my heart knew to be true. And I doubted. In 2 days God completely reframed my perspective.

I started seeing all the spiritual warfare that went on and I did nothing about it. I had given up. I had been certain that God had abandoned me, but I knew deep down that wasn't possible. But everything I could see and sense felt abandoned. His voice I could not hear, His presence I could not sense. And I saw all the destruction over the last 10 months that Satan had done in my life. The loss of joy, the doubt in His goodness, the anger, the doubt of myself, the negativity, the places I had compromised, the gentle and caring places of my soul continually squelched.

Then my fierce came back. Out of the ashes arose this warrior cry from the depths of my soul. Like a phoenix rising from the ashes, Satan was done with his hay-day and I was going to tear him to shreds I was so mad.

The next day I walked a journey of letting go of the anger and forgiveness. Because God had reframed much of my last 10 months already this was a recognition of the ties, where the chains were, how they felt, and the weight of them that I had carried for almost 10 months. So I could be free. I found a series of rather large rocks (more like God told me which rocks to pick up and they just all happened to be rather large - silly God). Each one was named with something different I was angry or bitter about. And I held each one, prayed, and commanded Satan and all of his forces of darkness to cease and desist with this. Then I tossed each one into the lake. The ripples that came on the surface were very healing and peace filled to see. And with each toss there was a deeper sense of joy in my  life. God spoke words of compassion to me during this time, revealing His heart to me and showing me how cherished I was to Him.

Then it was time to get to work. I meditated on the bible study's chapter on truth and looking at and analyzing all the lies I had come to believe. I created prayer strategies and prayed, looking at all the ways that Satan tries to attack in my life and how that led to me believing lies about God. I was equipped and empowered.

When I left, I felt stronger. More joyful. Closer to God.

There's always more to be seen that we can't see when we're in the midst of the storm. And this was only a taste of everything God showed and taught me during my two days. Often, the lessons come not when we're in the storm but when we can look back and see all that God has done.

"You are MY Daughter! You are MY Child!" was all that God spoke to me during this last season. That was all I could hear. And that only came after I surrendered everything I loved and cherished about my life, my vision, my hopes, the people I love to Him in an act of intense fear that if I truly held onto them they were liable to be destroyed in the storm that was racing towards me at that point in my life. At that point, everything about me was about to be changed and I was completely helpless against the oncoming storm.

In the midst of the chaos, the loss, the tears, the exhaustion, the weariness, the doubt, God solidified my identity in Him. And that He was fighting for me.

So here I am on the other side, no longer angry, no longer bitter, and I look back on this time with gratefulness for what God had done. It was terrible, but the growth, the blessings that came, the faith that came...the trials were nothing compared to the glory of God revealed in the fire.

So as my new job starts today I choose to go back to the front-lines for I know how Satan attacks, I know more of how the confusion plots are cast, the deception, the distractions work to weaken. I know. And I know my God is good even in the evil of these days. He IS good. He IS love. He IS power, truth, beauty...My God was, and is, and IS to come.