Thanks God!!

This is a song by BarlowGirl entitled "Thoughts of You". I used to listen to this band all the time (and go to as many of their concerts as possible in high school - it's been memory lane for me as I re-listen to all these songs that were such a part of my teen years), but this song and a few others have stuck with me into adulthood. This song though, expresses, simply, my thankfulness to God.

This week as we center our hearts on thankfulness there are so many things going through my heart and head. These last few months have been such a testimony of God's faithfulness. He never settles; he always pushes us into holiness, into reflecting His image to a broken and dying world. He always knows what's best even when we don't. He is always there for us even when we've pushed Him away. He says we're free even when we continue to hold onto the chains. Honestly, sometimes we feel so comfortable with the chains on that we never really believe God's joy and grace are for us. When my ever-wandering heart is given free reign, He's the one who calls it back to Himself and grounds me in the most solid Rock. He welcomes us with open arms even when we are dirty from living among the pigs. He catches us when we've begun to sink in our lack of faith. He is always working, always moving, always fighting for us even before we are aware. "Thanks" isn't a big enough or strong enough word.

When I think of where my life was at even just a few months ago I am in awe at all that the Lord has done. I think most days I was mad at God. Mad that this was where my life had gone, that I was so alone, so confused, so forgotten. Mad that I had to move back in with my parents when all my friends were able to move into apartments with others. Mad that I had graduated unmarried. Mad that I wasn't sure where my friends were going with their lives and whether or not they would remember me in all of their own personal changes. I sure remembered them daily. I was worn out physically and emotionally from college (especially that senior research project) but I think in my spirit I had given up. I just accepted that this is my life and any effort to change will be met by more and more blows to get me down. And I know that this is exactly the place when you need to fight the hardest but I had no fight left in me. People didn't understand, but I couldn't get out of my depression and I knew from the past that this was the point where I knew I was in trouble. I knew I would never go there again but it still didn't help that I was stuck. A few people recommended I do a Sozo prayer ministry. And then my mom recommended a Christian counselor for me - and this was all during a time when home life was just up in chaos between all the "busyness" my parents and I were both in. I was in survival mode and I think I realized I got to that point where I was like Peter - sinking beneath the waves, except I think I started choking on the waters I was sinking in. I knew God was all there was that I could really reach for. Honestly, I don't think I even said "help me Lord," I think I just reached.

So I up and went to a Sozo. It was a former teacher of mine and her best friend, and it was on a Wednesday back in July. They had been doing this ministry for a while at this point and they said that my experience was equivalent of massive reconstructive surgery, which is somewhat unusual. I don't remember crying a whole lot, all I knew was that I walked out of there closer to God, better able to hear from Him. That following Monday I stepped into my counselor/therapist's office. I think I actually told him at the beginning that he was going to be like a physical therapist to me to make sure the "surgery" sticks. Looking back, now, I'm sort of impressed with the faith I had in those days despite being in such a hurting and dark spot (which I probably would have denied if asked). I had no idea...absolutely no idea where God would lead me in the days, weeks, and months that followed.

I have learned so much about God. So much about myself. So much about who I am to God. I've fallen in love with Jesus all over again, and yet this time I'm challenged to go beyond any point I had ever reached before. I have been challenged to trust when I have no clue what's to come with the next step. I've been led into a new, beautiful territory. A territory to me that I have not yet been able to see fully but yet I'm being led deeper and deeper. I actually had a dream that someone I've grown to trust and respect immensely was holding my hands, leading me one step at a time into this new territory. At one point in my dream I looked down and became afraid of what I saw because it was risky and beyond what I would have ever stepped into on my own. I screamed and clung tighter but then watched myself start laughing joyfully because I realized how much I trusted this person and because I realized that the territory, the new area was beautiful and good and it was full of God's truth, goodness and holiness.

There has been so much newness and discovery - it's been fun and risky exploring all these new things. I've faced so many wonderful things in my heart - pieces of me I had no idea were even there. Like curiosity and my "achiever" mentality that is no longer run by fear and anxiety but by excitement and a drive to do my best to bring glory to God and bless others. I've also faced so many dark corners of my heart and learned to gently, tenderly, lovingly speak God's love to those corners, illuminating what is really there. Some of these things are vicious and destructive, some of these things are covered in shame, and some of these things are so broken that upon first glance I want to throw it out. But then I remember my Redeemer. I remember His ultimate supremacy and how these things in my heart must bow to the Almighty. I remember His goodness and who He has shown and revealed Himself to be in the past and I knew/know He is the only person who can rightly deal with these things. These dark and broken things are still there, they weren't nor never will be tossed into a fire to be burned to ash, but are cleansed and renewed by the blood of Christ. I and these things both are learning to know our place and Who to surrender to. I've learned that God loves our broken and ugly possessions, and that in order to love myself I need to learn to love those parts of me I would much rather throw away - but then I would be throwing away part of myself. Parts of my story. My perspective. My heart. The fullness of my testimony and who God is would be lost if I just threw them out - instead both these things and I are redeemed. God is turning even the ugliest and most broken pieces of my heart, my body, my story, my perspective into something beautiful to bring glory to Him alone.

And the more I dive deeper into this newness the more I realized all these "lighthouses", all the "desert oases" God sent my way through the years (and recently) in the form of relationships and interactions. From my best friends who walked with me through not just the betrayal of my former best friends but stepped willingly, despite my rejection, into a painful situation in college that I could not share with anyone. My Heritage 311 girls...they were my safe haven my junior year and taught me true community. To a homeless elderly woman I met in one City Front ministry night, her name was Frieda, who taught me the heart of true thankfulness even when you have absolutely nothing. To teachers, classmates, roommates, and a friendly greeter at a new church who told me I have a beautiful smile and a beautiful heart (and he didn't even know my name). To my parents, my family members, amazing friends, campus pastors, and my dear, precious therapist. All lighthouses, all people who spoke Jesus to me and are Jesus to me. The immense quantity and vast quality of these interactions make me feel so honored and validated. Who is this Lord that would provide for me, who would give me all these rich and beautiful treasures? Why me Lord? Some days I still have to ask that question - why me? And the response always makes me smile because despite my worthiness (or lack there of) I am loved. My God truly is gracious, and in that I place my value.

So God, "thank you" is simply not enough. Words are not enough to express my thanks. But I'm learning that my life can be the fullest expression of my thankfulness. You're worthy of at least that :)

UPDATE 11/27/2014

After I wrote the post above I was overcome with thankfulness for the friends in my life. Particularly my three best friends Jenna, Jenny, and Christa. I met these three beautiful ladies my freshman year of college and I fell in love with them mostly out of their pure devotion and love for the Lord. As our friendship was growing all three of them became some of the strongest support pillars for me as I was dealing with the rejection of my former best friends. And then they were the ones who stood with me day and night when my family walked through dealing with a difficult situation that I couldn't talk about with anyone - but these ladies told me to talk with them anyways. They have always been the first to pray for me, the first to encourage, the first to support, the first to point me to Jesus. And they were the ones I went weeping to one day junior year and said "are you willing to enter into a deeper, authentic community with me?" And yet through all of this, because of the pain and rejection of my former best friends I could not trust them. And they knew that. And for reasons I will never understand they continued to love me anyways, and continued to show me again and again that they were faithful to this friendship.

The day I took the greatest risk in my friendship with them was the day I told them about my deepest, darkest and most shameful sin. Individually I told them, and individually they didn't turn their faces away, instead they continued to look me in the eye, they held my hand, they prayed for me. They asked me hard questions and told me to come to them whenever I struggled. That was an even greater risk for me and I didn't entirely follow through on that with them. That is until I told my therapist. They were the ones encouraging me, praying for me for weeks to have the courage to seek the help I needed. And they were the ones who celebrated when I did. I learned I could go to them in those moments of weakness. And time and time again when I told them I was weak and stumbling they would remind me they were there for me and point me to Jesus. A couple times they prayed for me at 4 am, or would stay up late while on a DTS in Nepal (through YWAM) to "talk" with me.

A few days ago, in thinking of Thanksgiving, I realized I needed to tell my friends why I was thankful for them. The following is a text message conversation I had with one of them:

Me: "Do you know how much I appreciate you!? :)"

Friend: "No, how much? :)"

Me: "I appreciate you a TON!! For being there when I had trouble trusting because of former friends. For always bringing me back to Jesus. For always being available to talk. For loving me despite knowing what ugliness I've participated in over the years. And for being a huge support for me as I grow toward holiness and purity."

Friend: "Well that is what friends are for! If anything, you are the one who has been strong to keep going even when it's tough and sharing about your weaknesses. You are an exemplary model, and I love watching you grow."

Me: ":') Goodness way to make me cry! Thank you, I love you!! -bear hug-"

That text message was a pivotal moment for me. As I was driving down Highway 35E in St. Paul listening to my car's bluetooth read out the message I realized in my heart that I finally, truly and completely trusted these friends, these sisters. I almost couldn't see the road I was crying so hard.

I know going forward that there may be times we hurt each other in our friendship, but I know I can trust them and will always continue to cherish our friendship even in disagreement. For that I am thankful to them and to God especially - I will never fully grasp all that he has done in bringing these ladies into my life. Thank you!

The Lord Who Fights

I've been struck this week at how many times I have witnessed the Lord fight for that spiritual development in someone's life. For someone to be able to draw closer to God. Whether that's for their salvation, their growth, or their victory over sin. Or maybe He fights for someone to come to the true meaning and understanding of the gospel and this new life we are freely and graciously given. And I've been struck, also, that in the face of this relentless pursuit, this tenacious drive, that the Lord is kind, gentle and loving.

For example, I was touched (while reading a new blog this week) about the story of the woman who was caught in adultery and the religious community brought her before Jesus and asked him about the law and whether or not they should stone her to death as the law says. And just the way that Jesus - the Son of God - stood between this hurting, shamed woman and her attackers and saved her life. Giving her hope and a new future. That was the Lord fighting. Kind. Gentle. Loving.

Or the way that when the Israelites were trapped between the Red Sea and Pharaoh's advancing army. Talk about being stuck between a rock and a hard place - death by drowning or death by sword. And what does God do? Pillar of fire. God stood between the hurting, scared (and a bit dense) Israelites to defend them from their attackers, stretched out his hand and parted the waters. The Lord fought for their freedom. And then went on to fight for them time and time again because they just didn't get how much God loved them. That was the Lord fighting. Kind. Gentle. Loving.

And even in my own life. Looking back I see time and time again the Lord fighting for me to be rid of sin. Fighting for me to see how truly loved I am by the Lord Almighty. He was gentle. Relentless. Kind. Loving. My shame could have been exposed. My failures could have been revealed - in all honesty they should have been. But they weren't. And time and time again God worked in my heart and life and I thought I changed. But some habits die harder than others. And when it finally all came to a head and I once and for all faced that dragon and began to destroy it, rid it, from my life I was safe. Protected. Loved.

And even beyond that, the Lord has been fighting for so many years for me to get whole...for there to be real, true healing in my life. The Lord has been so very gentle with me in this area. Relentlessly pouring out blessings into my life through encounters with Him and through people he's brought into my life. The Lord has fought to rid me of fear. Boldly and tenaciously showing Himself to be greater still even in those moments when I could not breathe. Those dark nights of the soul when I thought there was no hope, there my Savior was. Just by Him embracing me, tenderly holding me close He was fighting. Where I rested, He fought by standing between me and the darkness seeking to devour me. He was, has been, and is the pillar of fire in my own life standing between me and the advancing, blood-thirsty army so I, we, could watch God part the waters and walk across into the promised land.

He fights so we can enter fully, boldly into His presence. He fights to bring glory to His name. He fights to teach us how to fight, how to take a stand against the darkness and all the flaming arrows Satan throws at us. And He fights for us because He loves us. Sometimes He fights and all you can do is hit the ground and pray until you see the victory. Sometimes it seems He fights ever so slowly, but when you look back you see all He did and you marvel at His goodness. And He always fights in such a way that empowers, equips and transforms us so we can fight alongside Him in the next battle that comes our way, and to fight alongside Him in support of those around us and their own battles they face. 

Where has the Lord fought in your own life? It can often be hard to see, especially when life gets busy and one thing after another comes your way. When you have those moments where you feel beaten to the ground and all you can say as you're gasping for breath is "Lord, help me!" He's right there, beloved. He's already been fighting for you even if you can't see it. Like when Peter was sinking, Jesus was already there, already walking on the water. Already fighting for Peter. Jesus was ready to catch Peter if Peter would just turn to him and ask for his help. In that moment Jesus stood between Peter and the very waters that should have been his death. And what's more, Jesus stood between Peter and his own doubt and fear by showing His supremacy in walking upon the waters.

Whatever battles you're facing, whatever hardships, whatever moments of doubt and fear you are facing today, know that the Lord is already fighting for you. The Lord who fights is loving. Gentle. Kind. (Patiently) patient. Relentless. Tenacious. Tender. Truthful. And victorious. And so much more. 

I'll leave you with a time of worship by Darlene Zschech. Blessings!!

  

When the World Spins out of Control

Now I'm sure we have all been at that place where the world is spinning. Not the literal the world is spinning because it's always doing that, but your own personal world has been tossed in the air. And there's so little resistance to get it to stop spinning that you have no idea which way it will land when it hits rock bottom. But have you ever been in a place where your own personal world is spinning and all you want to do is just spread out your arms wide and embrace whatever comes next? Embrace it with delight, joy, and trust because you know you are so loved that you actually want to hug yourself? Now that would be something.

Actually, that's a little like what my life has been like this past month. My life has been hijacked by joy, my life and who I am have been overwhelmed and overtaken by God's love. I have lost so much control of my life that I can't help but fall into Jesus' arms out of pure delight. Next thing I know my life is being nudged in a different direction, as if I am a ship and the winds turned course and all I can do is let the controls go. I guess you can say it's a bit like being swept off my feet. I'm being steered closer and closer to God's holiness, His presence and all I have to do is just dwell, just delight in knowing God's unconditional love. Delight in knowing my sins are forgiven and I have been given a new life, a new name. No longer an orphan, no longer a slave. But a child - cherished and loved by the Father.

And when the seas get rough, and the storms and winds blow. And I think this ship may sink I know who really is in control. And so I just fall into His arms and delight in His presence. Sometimes that requires me to let go of listening to my emotions and listening to what I know. To depend on who Jesus is and who he has shown himself to be to me. To trust in God's character and meditate on His goodness and the things He has done in my life. To believe in who other people are not how my emotions interpret the interactions and situations around me.

I have been overwhelmed with God's goodness. I have been swept off my feet. And I keep being in awe at all the ways God has been working in my heart. All the people he has led me to interact with, all the beautiful moments where God's beauty radiated into my life. I still find myself most days so in love, so loved, that I can't help but hug myself. I can't help but hug other people. I can't help but laugh and dance. Two years ago this December if you had told me I would want to hug myself so fiercely I would have laughed at the appalling thought. That December I put a "sword in the river" and said "God you need to teach me to love myself because I just can't". Now look at what the Lord has done.

I find myself in this place where my world spins out of my control, of other people's control, and directly into God's control. And all I have to do is fall back into His arms, cherish Him cradling me, holding me, and delight in His presence and watch the Lord's goodness and glory manifest in my life. All I have to do is worship, seek moments to just dwell in His presence, and my life changes. Yep, I've been hijacked by joy and it is absolutely the most incredible thing I could ever experience in this world!!!

Have you heard?

Have you heard? Your sins are forgiven...your shame is put to shame in the presence of Jesus...your mistakes are redeemed...your life is made new...Have you heard? Do you believe?

I know what it's like to wholeheartedly hate yourself. I know what it's like to think that taking your own life was really the only option to overcome the darkness. I know what it's like to want to smash the mirror every time you looked at it. I know what it's like to hold yourself to the utmost standards because if you were to fall short then it would be another thing counted against you. I know what it's like to fall into sin because your heart aches for things unfulfilled. I know what it's like to gasp for breath in the midst of a panic attack because the thought of failure, of being a failure, appeared more real than Jesus' grace and mercy.

But Jesus was always there.

The Prince of Peace holding out his arms to embrace me in all of his majesty and glory. Who am I Lord? Don't you see Lord that I am unworthy, all I have is filthy rags? Don't you see the shackles and chains bound to me?  Don't you see that I am infested with sin? Why Lord do you beckon me into your presence?

Because My blood has redeemed you. My love for you redeems EVERYTHING.

You are precious to Me.
You are beautiful.
You were worth the suffering I endured on the cross.
You are now clothed in My righteousness.
You have been reconciled to Me.
Do you love me?

That moment of faith when you realize you can't keep cowering in the corner, hiding because you're covered in shame. That moment when you put it all on the line because Jesus is worth it and you turn to Him in full honesty and transparency of your shame and sin. That moment when you are embraced...when you realize for maybe the first time in your life that you are fully loved...that moment when the fountain of joy springs forth from the depth of your soul...that moment when you in turn embrace yourself.

Have you heard? Do you believe? Jesus loves you! That shame, that sin, that embarrassment, that failure, that mistake, that missing the mark of God's glorious standard. Yeah, all of that Jesus loves! And His love redeems EVERYTHING! There is hope for you in the midst of the struggle. There is joy - take it from someone who for probably 7 years has been praying for the fruit of joy in my life. Have you heard? Do you believe?

The Father's Heartbeat

Every once in a while I come across a song that just speaks to my heart. I came across this song on my way home from church this morning (thank you PraiseFM!) and I just cried and cried at the words. "Blameless...", "Boldly I approach your throne..." "your own..."

God has always been incredibly real to me. I remember as a little girl giving my heart to Jesus because I marveled at His love. I remember Him stepping into my darkest nights when I was 14 and relentlessly pursuing me and giving me hope when I had given up on everything. I remember Him wooing my heart throughout the teen years, drawing me into His presence and showing me His heart for others. I remember Him piercing my heart to heal and help me remember so many painful things I had endured throughout the years so I could become whole...I remember Him asking me to accept His love as a young woman who was just starting to realize the extent of her impurity...a woman who cowered in shame and yet when I turned and ran into His arms a fountain of joy sprung forth from the depth of my soul.

"He pulls me close with nail-scarred hands. Into His everlasting arms." The very hands my sin, that I, had pierced. These very hands pull me close. The very feet I nailed to the cross because of my sin, pursues me, walks with me even in the midst of a darkness I am unable to overcome. And he calls me to walk with others in order to show them God's love. And the only way to show others God's love is by listening to the Father's heartbeat.

Sitting on His lap, letting Him hold you close. Can you hear it beloved? Are you there? Do you feel His arms embrace you, tenderly holding you against Him...just listening to the rhythm of His heart. There's no shame there, no condemnation...just a knowing that God loves you and accepts you as you are - all of you.

I want to leave you with a dream God gave me once a number of years ago. If you remember a few posts back I shared a poem entitled "The Garden". That Garden has become my special me and Jesus place in my life and in a section of this garden is a little waterfall flowing into a pool that is surrounded by a series of large rocks. This particular spot in the garden is where I go with Jesus when we need to talk through some difficult things. In this particular dream Jesus took me to the rocks and out of habit I sat down and watched the waterfall for a little while, unsure of why we were at the waterfall. Jesus told me he wanted to show me something and he took me through the waterfall. In this dream I was pleasantly surprised to find I was standing in a huge cave. The cave was lit up from somewhere and as my eyes adjusted I became breathless. Covering every square inch of the walls, ceiling, and floor of the cave were diamonds of every shape, size and color. Some sparkled brilliantly and others were a bit dull but not one was the same as any other diamond in the cave. When I could finally breath again I said "Woah, Jesus what are these?" In my dream Jesus stood a little ways ahead of me and when he turned around to face me I noticed tears running down his face. "These are the hearts of everyone I love, even those who do not know me or have rejected me. I love every one of them." And then Jesus proceeded to point out particular diamonds to me "I love this one. He is so funny and I just cherish his compassion." or "I love her. She doesn't yet know it but I am pursuing her intensely." Or "I love this one. He always makes sure to worship me in special and unique ways." And it went on and on in my dream.

This is a taste of the Father's heartbeat...do you know how much God cherishes you? Have you experienced His tenderness? His mercy? His love? Have you let yourself climb up onto the King's lap, dressed in rags and ashes, and let Him embrace you and hold you close to His heart? Have you accepted His love today?

"My precious child, let Me love you!"