What is the truth?

I'll be honest, life over the past 2 years has been choked with a lot of bitterness, anger, unforgiveness, and fear. After being caught up in the midst of a particular situation at a Christian institution that resulted in a spiral of initially deep personal wounds leading to corporate hemorrhaging I found on a personal level a downward spiral of many of the relationships in my life. I felt hurt and betrayed by many whom I had dedicated so much of my time, energy, focus and heart towards. Some of these were so close I knew them as something deeper than "friend", while others were those whom I had rallied behind, pleaded for before the throne of God, and wept many tears over the struggles that the mantle placed upon their shoulders carried. I had loved, they spit in my face. And it shocked me pretty profoundly. I was ill-prepared or ill-equipped to deal with these kind of relationships. But had I really loved? Something to ponder. Tonight I came home from work emotionally unstable and ready to explode. There have been some needs - relational needs - in my life that have not been met for a long time. And there were fears because of the situations listed above that kept me in the darkness of doubt, believing that it is my mission in life to continually give and I need to not expect or want others to give to me. I've thought numerous times these last couple months that no one is really looking out for me, that no one has my interests in mind or really cares to consider me and my needs, therefore I need to protect myself and look out for myself. I've begun to doubt the good gifts God has given me in the past - even those gifts that ended up being the very thing that spit in my face. Was it really real? I would ask myself. Or was it that they liked me for what I could give to them. "What is the truth" Dad asked me while discussing these things with him tonight. Good question - I guess the only way to really know is to see it with Christ's eyes. The truth is I don't really know who I am. I never quite realized this until this year: I have never ever stepped into my identity as a woman...and often times I haven't stepped into my identity as a Child of God, and for what it's worth I have never stepped into my identity that I am loved and cherished. I don't know who I am. And that has led to so much anxiety and fear in my life - fear that drove me to perform since I was a little girl; insecure in almost every way possible I believed the only way for people to love me was to be "perfect" and I missed out on so much! Dad asked me tonight what I understood my name to mean. I've heard numerous times about the story of how God spoke my name - more exactly the meaning of my name - to my Mom when she was pregnant with me. I was to be named "My God is gracious". I didn't realize until tonight that this was going to be my identity. Dad has told me numerous times that in the Hebrew "gracious" referred to describing someone with power and authority stepping down out of their position of power and authority to serve those beneath them. I had always thought that was a calling on my life, and in many ways it is and has been. But I did not see until tonight when Dad pointed it out that this was who God is to me...to us God's beloved. Jesus left his place of power and authority (and glory and splendor and...) to be in relationship with us...with me - we who are mere dust. Therefore shouldn't we do the same? As one who has been given so much I am to be called to serve, to befriend, those who haven't been given so much. But I can't do that effectively if I hold onto the hurts and bitterness, if I don't have God's presence going with me and before me in that. It's given me new perspective, new hope, and a new determination in this life (something I had lost years ago). Thanks God!

Struggling to Belong

I've grown rather bitter over the last couple years. I was looking at pictures today of someone's wedding whom I had worked closely with and had spent a lot of time praying for, supporting and covering their tasks when they had to step down unexpectedly because of some health issues. And all I thought about was that I wasn't invited to be a part of their special day. I wasn't even sent an engagement notice or a thank you. And that's all I could think about! I mean how selfish is that of me! But the truth of it is that this thought process has become a "normal" in my life lately. Doesn't matter how much I give financially, or time or support or prayers I always feel like I'm the one forgotten about. And that's all I can think about. All I can think about is how could my best friends just walk out on our friendship for no reason and say that it was just "separation" - no...no it wasn't. I see it as betrayal, that they found someone "better" to be friends with, that they had "outgrown" me and that they only wanted to be friends with me for what I could give to them. Ir didn't matter how dedicated I was, how much I was there for them, or how much I forgave them for the hurt they gave to me over the years I still was never enough for them. Yes, I've grown bitter. All I can think about is the numerous friends that I have reached out to, that I have given to and they forget to invite me to things or ignore me. Yes, I've grown bitter. People my age think I'm weird or not good enough, and people my parents age adore me but I'm too young to fit in with their crowd. I don't feel like I belong at Church - what gifts I have to give I don't feel called to give in the way the Church thinks I should give. Yes, all I can think about is my bitterness and not what God has given me. All I can focus on is my struggle to belong, to feel like I'm settled in a specific place in a community, that I can offer something valuable to others to support them and bring out their gifts, to sharpen other people's faith and help them grow and blossom. And yet often I feel like a single small plant struggling to bloom in a sun-parched desert. My task in the midst of this struggle is to learn to dig my roots down deep, to push aside my need to belong here on earth and find satisfaction in belonging to God. Yes, I may be struggling to belong, I may be struggling to feel valued even by those who love the Lord so incredibly deeply but I fight to believe that's not the end of the story. That somewhere I can believe unconditional love is for me (which has also been a real struggle to believe for myself), that somewhere I can believe that I am valued and that I find myself belonging no matter what I've done, what I failed to do or made a mistake in doing, and that others around me know they belong right where I find myself belonging. My mind says it's true, but sometimes my heart fails or fears to believe it's true. And yet it's true.

8 Years

This day 8 years ago I experienced one of the most profound freedoms I have ever experienced in my life. I was 14, just starting 9th grade at a new school building (same school) and I had just gone through one of the most difficult summers of my life. Not because of one traumatic event but a lot of little things that built up over time. During the whole summer I found myself going through deeper and deeper depression. I started hiding behind my hair, started hiding in books (I read about 50 large chapter books that summer). When school started I declined pretty quickly. I mentally had given up and it was only time before Satan stepped in and would tempt me into taking my own life. And he did. I couldn't see a way out, my friends had left me, I wanted to run away every day, and I felt like no one was there to listen. My relationships are very important to me and is always the one place that Satan uses to take me out. But something had happened that whole summer. God showed Himself to me as The Comforter, Lover and Father. Every night I would cry myself to sleep, covering my face with my pillow so my parents couldn't hear my sobbing. And every night God would send me a vision of Him either rocking me in His arms or holding me in His hand and whispering His love to me. "It's OK My child, My precious one. Just come to Me and everything will be all right. I love you." He would say to me night after night after night. And as my depression got darker, My Lord drew closer. And on that night when Satan sought to devour me God did something amazing.

In my heart I pleaded with God to show me another way to get through the pain in my heart and the hopelessness I had in my spirit because I didn't want to hurt my parents or my brother, or the few friends I had who actually cared. Or those who were around me who were not walking with the Lord who would question why I claimed to be a Christian but gave into this destruction. God then gave me two visions. The first, oh the first vision, if I could live there right now in that vision I would...He showed me a picture of heaven, more appropriately the entrance to heaven. And oh my soul sang! And then bang, the 2nd vision came and broke my heart.

I was suddenly standing in a different country, in the doorway of a cardboard hut with a metal roof. In front of me was a dirty/muddy street and directly across the street from me were three little children peering out of the doorway of their own cardboard hut. They were dirty, hungry, their clothes were falling apart and they were barefoot. As I stood there watching I saw these little children staring at every person who walked right past them. And then I could suddenly read their thoughts. They were pleading: "Is there no one out there to show us any good? Is there no one to love us, to care for us, to give us a place to belong? Is there no one to feed us and dry our tears? Is there no one out there to love us?..." I started screaming at them "God can do all that for you! Let me hold you and take care of you and I can show you that God can meet your every need! Let me love you and you'll know God's love!" But they didn't hear me. They couldn't see me. I kept screaming louder and louder, passionate tears streaming down my face. I tried to push across the street but something was there keeping me from embracing these children. I kept pushing, screaming, reaching, and crying harder and harder.

And then it was gone. I sat there in the solitude of my bedroom trying to catch my breath and stem the hot tears. "God..." was all I said. His reply was that I could either come home to Him or I could stay and bring these three little ones home with me. I said I would stay...

Four weeks later, Sunday, Sept. 18, 2005 came. I was lighter in spirit, happier, more ready for whatever God had for me. We had a guest pastor come and speak and I was supposed to be in the nursery but something made me curious enough to stay. I don't remember the sermon, honestly. All I know is that we had a time of prayer after and almost everyone in my church went up. My Dad was with me, he had no idea what had been happening to me the last few weeks. When he got prayed for I just stood there and was like "OK God, whatever You want to do I trust You." This pastor came to me and touched my shoulder. All he said was "Lord, take away all the rejection." He said that three times and within that moment I felt something slash across me and a heavy weight fell off. I felt the ground around me shake (I don't think anyone else felt it) as the weights fell off and I just crumpled to my knees weeping. I wept for two hours!! In an instant God healed me from my depression :)

The life I have had since that day I never would have dreamed of - such incredible life changes, such joyous moments. I became an aunt, graduated from college, found a true community of friends and am working some wonderful jobs. Yes, thank you Lord for Your faithfulness and for saving me. Thank you for the calling and for transforming my life in so many ways. To You be all the glory!

What a Miracle Taught Me

I'm sitting here overwhelmed...overwhelmed with tears flowing from a heart touched by God. Over the last couple weeks I started working with my little friend who I will call "L". "L" is an incredibly special child who for no medically known reason was born not moving and no heart beat. But today, years later, I got to hold him, snuggle with him, play tactile, and be overwhelmed with God's love flowing through him. "L" has been gifted at a very young age with a lot of patience. To have a Rookie like me being thrown into his life, his cares and all the things that go into making sure that "L" lives to the fullest each day is a lot. And yet I love it! Even when I make mistakes "L" continues to forgive and forget - even when I make the same mistake multiple times. One of the greatest things this miracle (and his incredible family) taught me was that you can look all you want at his diagnosis and the sacrifices people around him have to make for him but you will ultimately fall short of stepping into the world of love until you see that "L" has had to make sacrifices too - and none of them were his choice. To depend on someone to do so much for you and to do it with such love and grace and patience...it touches my heart every time I think about it. He accepts so much that has to be done for him even when he doesn't want it to be done and he does it with such grace and love! My heart soars every time he turns to look at me to say hi with his eyes :) A family friend told me today that when you hug "L" it's like God is reaching through "L" to hug you back. "L" through his love has taught me to be gentle with myself, to forgive myself when I mess up, and to not be afraid to do what it takes to grow each and every day. "L" has taught me to not be so self-centered and prideful, but to look and depend on God just as he depends on the people around him for food and other daily activities of living. I'm always taking a few hours to pray before a shift with him because I know "L" is fragile and any little mistake I make could have a downward, cascading effect. And yet every shift, even the rough ones, I walk out feeling carried in the arms of Jesus through every snuggle, every hug,and every look that "L" gives me.

No Condemnation

We hunger for love and when we are shown it often we can't see it nor accept it. And we are taught as young children to conform to what society sees as a "good" child - often that effort to conform the child is riddled with shame either through the authority giving shame or the child seeing shame. I, for too much of my life, saw correction as something to be afraid of, for I pretty much always saw it as a shaming act. I was a good child because I was afraid of what may happen should I be anything but good. I was driven to perform, I strove in life so I could run away from punishment. Often, and to this day it still feels this way, that no matter what I did it's never good enough. Tonight, Daddy and I talked. To be frank, I really struggle to believe that I'm what God says I am, for everything I have been praised for in life has been because of things I've done. So I strive more so I can run away from the shame and hopefully get the praise that assures me that I'm OK. And now as my heart bleeds over the relationships that I have poured myself, my money, my love, my tears, my energy into that have walked away from me when I stopped being convenient to them it's difficult to not assume that this is "punishment" because I didn't do something right. So many nights I lie awake thinking through what I would say to these people if I could only just talk to them to justify myself so I wouldn't feel condemned. So many nights I lie awake thinking through the various scenarios of the day, of the past year, of when I was 2 years old that if I had done them differently maybe I wouldn't have been shamed. It really wasn't until tonight when Daddy and I talked that I saw the efforts of many to correct me wasn't to shame me but was to give me life. That I/we are to repent not because the thing we are doing makes us bad, but because it is not life-giving. As a child I learned to fear authority figures because if I did one thing wrong I would be shamed. I learned that attention from authority figures was a bad thing - you only ever saw your peer go talk with the teacher when they were in trouble and VERY rarely did someone go talk to the teacher alone because they did the right thing. For me, outside of the home, there was very little praise for doing good, there was only shame for doing bad. I wonder how many other children have felt like this. I wonder how many wounds there are in this society over this. No wonder there's so much rebellion - so many are afraid of correction for they see it as something shaming not something life giving. But how do you praise, celebrate someone for them just being them, not because they've done anything to be praised? I mean God introduced Himself to the Israelites as "I AM" - He is who He shows Himself to be? It's an understanding that I am not able to grasp at this point - loving someone unconditionally, praising/celebrating them for who they are not for what they've done...I missed so much love because I was taught that correction was meant to condemn the criminal, to bring justice to a wrong committed, to punish the wrong. But in reality it was meant to show us that which gives life. It dawns on me as I'm writing this that we are, because of Jesus and what he did on the cross, not punished for our wrongs...but are instead guided back into the path of life, the path that leads to the perfection of our faith. It is here that I see how and why I am to believe who God says I am and why I'm able to accept it. Do you beloved see it too? Together, let's lay aside our shame (for I know I'm not the only one who sees what I've written this way). Yes, lay aside our shame and our fear of being shamed for there is no condemnation in Christ Jesus.

Why should I even care?

Well here I am 2 weeks away from graduating and the one thing on my mind currently is how deeply I want to move out of my dorm room. I've tried to be a friend all year, I've tried to be here for my roommates, and I've tried to develop community but no matter what I do I continue to find myself alone, depressed, and crying out for escape. I feel neglected by the people I see most often, and I feel like no one around me really cares to know what I'm thinking, what I'm dealing with, or even to be a friend to me. Why is it that I care so much about having relationships with people? Why is it that I was made for intimacy and deep relationships? Mine is the life of an extrovert forced to live as an introvert.I always try to find a place to belong and yet no where is accepting. At Church I long deeply to be on the inner circle, to be found at the center of the fire, but I find myself on the outskirts constantly. It's made me question so many times why I even bother going to Church and in particular the one I currently go to. And when I try to express my frustrations to people they say "Let Jesus be your everything. Let Jesus be the one to know you the closest." As if I'm not. The thing is I always seem to lose my sense of purpose on this earth if I'm not in relationships. Lord I really don't know what to do. I shrivel up when I'm forced to be a hermit. Solitude is not my calling. And here I hear people again saying "Let Jesus be your everything. Let Jesus be the one to meet your every need." Yes, well-meant person, I know. I don't know how. I have spent my life burying questions because I was told to "just believe" and now I find myself in a position where I don't understand the Bible, where I don't think I could clearly or strongly articulate answers to questions of faith. And I don't know how to clearly share my faith with others outside of what I have experienced. Random person who seems to have it all together, will you teach me? Will you show me how to understand what the Bible is saying and how to use it to build my faith so I can witness to others? Solitude and independence indeed is not my calling. Yes I want Jesus to be my everything, I just don't know how. And I'm too scared to voice my questions if I know I'm going to get scolded. I had a friend you know who consistently did that. So why should I even care? I care because what I have going on inside of me I truly believe is something so fundamental to being a Child of God that some people don't think they need it. I was made to live with intimacy in relationships - close friendships. So Church, next time you see me or someone like me sitting in the back, it isn't always because we're nominal Christians. It's because we don't know how to draw closer or we don't feel like it's safe for us to with the people who are already on the inside. So instead of passing judgment upon us and thinking that we need to be fixed, ask us if we just need a friend and one on one discipleship. I ask why because I've tried for too long and yet not long enough - I want to give up but I can't or else I will lose something vital to who I am as an individual. Please Church, will you disciple me and others like me instead of thinking that we're not "on fire" for the Lord. All I need is a close friend...

22 Years

It seems to be a yearly thing that on my birthday I sit down and think about where God has taken me this last year. Since hardly anyone reads this I felt like this would be a good place for those of you who do care or who are interested in what I have to say can sit with me, with a cup of coffee, and rejoice in the Lord with me for all of His faithfulness, goodness, and power from my last year of life. This last year was my 21st year of life. Many people have really big parties and celebrations, go drinking, and do something crazy to welcome in their adulthood. Me, I was beginning to recover from the awful 8 months my family and I had just gone through. I was numb, I was hurting, I was going through counseling and I had a big event in the future I needed to focus on. I've chosen to remain abstinent from alcohol because of a very long line of alcoholism in my family. On the 11th of April my brother and sister-in-law took me out to dinner and announced to me that they were going to have a baby - what a crazy sensation it was to want to cry and laugh all at the same time! I was on cloud 200 for that next week telling almost everyone I could that the Lord had answered my 11 years of prayer and is granting me the position of aunthood! On the 17th of April, I delivered the harsh reprieve letter to Bethel's provost for all the ways Bethel mistreated my mom, my family, and failed to live up to their standards of their Covenant for Life. I never did get a reply back - typical. Later that summer I found myself donning blue as a bridesmaid for a really really good friend's wedding - it was beautiful! Then I took a hop, skip, and a jump and landed in the midst of the Navajo Nation in the middle of nowhere - Pinon, AZ - doing my senior research project and being a witness to the goodness of the Lord amongst a people who have only heard fire, hell, and brimstone preached to them. After a month there I came back just in time to move back into Bethel for the leadership retreat - praying on the air was probably one of the craziest and most amazing things I have ever done. Being a leader on Pray First has been amazing and VERY difficult this last year as we have gone through many transitions with losing a few people from our team - my Pray First team has been my social life and my family away from home for so many different reasons. Then it happened...the depression...oh did it come to bite me with a vengeance! There were many scary nights I was REALLY not sure I would wake up that next morning - completely lonely, struggling with the pain of a dead friendship and the feelings of rejection that brought, on top of the fact my roommates probably didn't care a lick about what was going on with me - oh I do try to be a part of their group but they don't let me in just because I'm different. Typical... November 7, my beautiful niece Kerrigan Zettie Grace was born - oh what a joyous moment that brought so many changes into my family! In December I found myself at my lowest and I remember it was around the 11th that I cried out to God and asked him to help me love myself because I loathed everything about me. Going down to Onething was probably the best thing to ever happen to me, the Lord met me and touched me deeply! He placed a calling on my life within His Kingdom which answered years and years of prayer and longing on my heart and He reassured me that I was on the right path in life. Such a relief! And on top of this, God started freeing me and healing me of my need to be a PEOPLE PLEASER! OH WHAT FREEDOM!!!!!!! This semester started out differently than the last one. I started to notice the lonely depression coming back to bite me every Thursday night, but after my Pray First team prayed against this for me I haven't had it come back, and the few times it has I have been able to stand on my own two feet. The issue of forgiveness and the struggle I have had within my heart to forgive my ex-best friends has been huge these last two weeks for me and I find myself getting to the most intense part of the forgiveness process (which is really hard to explain unless you have persevered through forgiving someone). Yea, the Lord has been good and today I did some planning for my future - this was the first time I sat down and made goals for myself, ways that I want to grow in my walk with the Lord, things I hope to do to keep myself from just surviving - I WANT TO LIVE - Yea this next year is my transition and building year :) Thanks for listening! Blessings!!

My Journey Up Mount Moriah

Over the last almost two years the Lord has taken me on a journey into His heart. Part of this journey has required me to learn how to forgive and how to forgive again and again. When my family walked through the "it was the worst of times, it was the best of times" last year I never thought in my life it would lead me on my own walk up Mount Moriah to lay my "Isaac" on the alter and wait for God to stop me before I sacrificed my right to receive justice. That journey up my Mount Moriah held the highest of heights and the lowest of depths relationally, emotionally, spiritually and mentally. I never quite realized how powerful the work of forgiveness can be, and how incredibly difficult it is to get to that point of forgiveness. I never realized that you could lay aside your right to receive justice for an injustice done to you as an act of worship that God would bless. I remember talking to a friend last year who is actually a dear prayer partner now and I was telling her I feel like Jacob; I have wrestled with God and walked away with a limp as my flesh has died over and over again with the birth pains that would lead me to the birthing of this journey I'm on today of learning to sit at Jesus' feet. Oh if you my readers could understand what the Lord has done for me and in me...I get choked up just thinking about it. There's a new level of freedom I have in my life, there's a newness to my walk with the Lord and a joy and peace I've never felt before in my life! Back in December after walking (and continuing to walk) through the end of a friendship with some people I've known almost my whole life and the pain that came with that I found myself at the lowest depths of hating myself. I found myself not caring what happened to me and I was in such a dark dark place in my heart and life. But somewhere around the second week of December I put an axe in the river (look up Bible reference) and said to the Lord "I need Your help; I need You, to help me learn to love myself. I am marking today with an axe in the river and I am trudging ahead full speed into this journey. Everything within me hates who I am, but I can no longer live in sin because it doesn't please You. I need You to help me love myself." And He has...We serve a GREAT and GOOD God!! Blessings!!

Cards on My Wall

Over the last year and a half I have found my biggest struggle to be loneliness - more correctly depressive loneliness. I wont go into details about that right now since I know most people will not read this, but something the Lord gave me a few months back was to put all of the cards and letters I have received over the last year on my wall where I can see them everyday to remind myself of all the people who love me and have cared to take the time to think about me enough to send me a card or letter in the mail. I have cards from Christmas and birthdays I have a card from a baby shower for my sister-in-law I have a card from my parents from this last summer when I was on the Navajo Reservation And I have letters from friends from various times when I was going through the depressive blues or just because - I have one card from a team member of mine thanking me for my care. And I even have a card sent to me by a dear friend I've had since Kindergarten - all the way from Japan! Every now and then I take them down, re-read them and put them back up on my wall to look at again. It warms my heart and lifts my spirit every time! Be blessed! Happy Valentine's Day!