Why Does it take until life gets hard?

I've been really pondering over how lazy I have been in my walk with the Lord. Sure I get up and read the Bible, I sing and pray to God all day long, but am I really being Christ to other people in this world? Am I really being that"new creation" that I've come to love thinking about. Why is it that it takes me until my life gets tough to really begin to live as a Christian? Why is it that the most beautiful things come out of the most terrible times? To see the transformation in my family when we are walking through THE MOST DIFFICULT thing we have ever experienced. I almost am glad that this happened to us. I'm almost dancing for joy that the Lord chose us to walk through this pain because I have seen my whole family walk with the Lord in such wonderful ways. My mom has always been beautiful and full of love, but now the beauty of the Lord is just radiating from her, even when tears are streaming down her face. And my dad, the boldness in his authority, which comes from the Holy Spirit, is like nothing I've ever seen before. And for me, I am no longer walking around anxious and afraid. I am no longer dreading school or fearful of saying something wrong around people. I'm no longer afraid of being rejected. And even though I hurt inside I have such incredible joy and peace in my life that it all doesn't seem so big. This is what happens when God puts us through the fire. And I feel like this is just the beginning - there is more to come. I keep an image of the Lord always in my minds eye. An image of Jesus sitting on top of a white horse, clothed in armor that shines like the sun, eyes as deep as the deep blue sea, with a sword raised above His head causing demons to run in fear. This is who Jesus is to me - and this is what I hold onto and will continue to hold onto til the day He returns. The Lord reigns!!

This Is SOOO Hard!

In many ways over the past nearly two months now I have come to have a deeper understanding of the suffering that those within the persecuted church feel almost daily. This understanding of the pain the innocent feel over sin's injustice to them. This situation is becoming less and less surreal and more and more my life. I thought I had been walking in forgiveness really well but until I came to Bethel but this overwhelming feeling of my loss of security brought up bitterness, anger, and betrayal rose up and I find myself at this point of forgiving on a daily basis but then something comes up and I'm back to that point of needing to forgive. What's also difficult about being here at Bethel is that I am walking through this all alone. No one else here understands what I am going through and I can't tell. I've felt myself running away emotionally and relationally from those around me because I CAN'T Tell and they wouldn't even care to know what is really going on. And also many of my friends here they seem to live in such a way that if you love the Lord then you would show that by being joyful. Well I do love the Lord, more than many people understand. And it is my desire to know Him more, but I've learned that I didn't grasp things the way I should when I was younger, it either was because I wasn't taught it in the right way - that people had downsized it for me to grasp as a child - or I just wasn't taught it period. So I've spent the last year really seeking after loving the Lord with all my heart, all my soul, all my mind, and all my strength. But there are just so many habits I've formed in the past, so many mindsets, so many hurts, so much junk! That the transformation is slow and painful, but yet God through the Holy Spirit is transforming me. And as far as joy goes - I express my joy differently. I have no desire to have that kind of joy that makes people be really loud, zealous, and sometimes unable to sense that there are situations where that just isn't necessary. I desire the peaceful kind of joy, the joy that maybe I dance, and maybe once in a while I shout out praises to the Lord but the joy is seen in my eyes and my countenance is quiet and at peace.

So to continue with this situation that my family is in, I am learning to see the Lord every single day in each situation. I seek His face; I search out where the Holy Spirit is going and what He is doing here on earth. The trees outside the window remind me of God's protection, life, and provision. Within my books I see God moving me into a position of preparation for one being stretched but also understanding in a more humanity way how to love my neighbors. I am learning to live in peace even when my life is anything but. Putting on the armor has been more of a reality to me - life here in America is too safe and it's so easy to put our guard down and Satan sneaks in. And as far as joy goes - I'm still working at that. I cry almost daily now - I cry for my mom; I cry for Bethel; I selfishly cry for myself; and I cry at the loss of relationships. I've had to make sacrifices so I can find time to do my studies as well as seek after the Lord. But I don't like this feeling that I'm running away from so much. Every day I am reminded that this is not my home, so my anticipation of Heaven has grown so much more. My desire for affection, approval, and love from friends and those people around me is still here but so much less than it used to be. I pray that the Lord would transform my heart to understand what it means to be in community with people while still not seeking their approval and affection.

Lord I am growing tired, but I am strengthened through Your love. People don't understand me and they never will. So teach me how You want me to love my neighbor while still making my desire for your love the first priority in my life. My heart hurts so much within me but Your balm of Gilead is applied to my heart every day and I am able to live. God, I have so much within my heart and but I thank You that You know everything and everyone of my thoughts. I do not wish this situation to be over until I and my family are transformed more into Your image and I do not wish this situation to be over until I see Bethel be transformed and these individuals whose sin caused my family this suffering come into repentance and turn back to the Lord with a greater Love for God Almighty. It is situations like this that can bring the greatest change and I know Lord that You are on our side because you fight for the innocent and for those who Love you Lord. Give us the victory in this case - if not for me than for my mom.

I love you Lord!