Identity in God

So, I'm finally getting around to posting this message. I had written "Beauty to be delighted in" in a bad attitude and I want to first apologize to God for my actions - it was not glorifying to Him; nor was it hopeful or helpful for those who read it.

Needless to say, God did something after this post.

That evening I was talking with my roommate about this. I mentioned how my thoughts had gone wild after a guy from my past (absolutely not a relationship in that way) had said something to me that kind of shook me. I had started to think that I don't have close guy relationships and because I don't have guy relationships I must not be marriage material. She encouraged me by showing me that in order for me to have close relationships with guys it will get to the point where I'd either need to break it off or marry the guy.

Later that evening I was going out to get ice cream with my other roommate and she had accidentally walked in on this private conversation and didn't know what to do. So I explained what was going on. Then she said something I never expected to come from her mouth, but God definitely spoke through her to my heart. Her speech is as follows:
"Can I tell you something about you that just drives me bonkers?" "Sure" I said, "OK, it drives me crazy that you can't see how incredibly beautiful you are. You have all these giftings and talents and just this beauty both inside and out that everyone else can see but you! You may feel like you've got problems with your physical and emotional appearance, but you are beautiful and I want you to finally realize that for yourself!"

I...was...speechless. I touched me in a way I never thought it could.

That next morning I went to North Heights Lutheran Church and I was surprised by the message: Identity

The pastor spoke on the identity of both David and of Saul. Both were anointed King, both were powerful men of God; but, there was a difference between them. Saul was King but he didn't act according to his God-given identity. David wasn't yet king but yet he acted according to this God-given identity. The pastor proceeded to say that Saul lived in unbelief because although God had spoken his identity to him, Saul was too afraid to not believe what other people spoke about him - about the identities that other people had placed on him. Saul lived in unbelief. Unbelief is sin.

By not putting God's identity of you over others' identity of you then you are living in unbelief and you are sinning.

This spoke something to my heart - deeply. It dawned on me this whole time I had been living in sin because I couldn't not believe what other people had placed on my head for my identity. But that no longer matters because I am now living in belief because I have finally accepted this and I have stepped into my identity - the identity that God gave me. It's an identity that can be found in the Word; it's an identity that is rooted in my relationship with God.

I can see now that all along the ugly duckling never existed. She was always a figment of my imagination. But the swan has always been there. Yes, I am the swan. I am not and never will be and never have been the ugly duckling. Now I see the swan has never been hidden; one only has to look through the lens of the eye of God to see I am the swan. I may not have my beauty delighted in by humanity, but I do by God and it is so much more special because His delight is eternal, infinite, and unconditional.

Do you know what your identity is? Do you know who you are to God? I'd like to challenge you to find out - it's quite a journey with a wonderful ending :)

Beauty to Be Delighted In

I had originally wanted to call this "Beauty to be Found" but it made it sound too much like I'm lost. Instead, I thought it more appropriate to call it "Delighted In."

Because no one reads what I write I think I'll just pour out my heart on the pages of this site because it's not going to be read anyways so it's safe.

I have never really seen myself as beautiful. I've always looked at other girls who were skinny and had the looks and felt ashamed when they said to themselves "I'm ugly. I'm fat." I always dreamed of maybe being Cinderella - who worked hard and was incredibly gorgeous and then one day a prince would rescue her.

Whenever I look in the mirror I see two faces. I see the face of an ugly duckling staring back at me but hidden behind that ugly duckling face I see the swan shinning through. As the lyrics of Mulan goes "when will my reflection show who I am inside?"

As I've gone through life I've been forced to face the ugly duckling on a regular basis while everyone tries to hide the swan from view. My exterior never lines up with the swan, instead it matches perfectly with the ugly duckling. The swan is there and she sings out beautifully but people ignore it because they can only see the ugly duckling.

All men have been a place of pain in my life. To be quite honest, the only man on earth I trust and respect is my dad. All others I expect to be hurt by and so far, except for a few very rare exceptions, I have been. I feel like they can only see the ugly duckling and don't want to go deeper to see the swan. But the swan is there. Oh she is there and wants to come out but people can't see. Why can't men see the swan!? I don't want them to see the swan for romantic reasons but for friendship reasons. I feel so outcasted, so shoved into a corner by men that they don't even want friendship with me.

When will my reflection show who I am inside? The swan is there. I'm not the ugly duckling, I am the swan. This swan walks in front of the whole world in expectation of her beauty to be delighted in with the purest reasons. But they can't see her...why?

This brings me to my new deep sorrow. I feel like because men can't even delight in my beauty as a friend then I'll never have the hope of having a man delight in my beauty as a lover. And here come the tears...

To change here I wanted to mention for my own later reference, since I'm the only one reading this, that what I mean by a friend I mean someone who wants to spend time with me, good quality time. I don't want to be "Hi, how are you doing?" friends, I want to be "How are YOU doing?" friends.

I am not the ugly duckling, I am the swan...but this swan is waiting for her beauty to be delighted in...