So Long Ms. People-Pleaser

"One of the most difficult things for me was learning to accept that I am a burden."

It's after lunch on a cloudy, winter Wednesday in January and I'm sitting in my counselor's office discussing my people-pleaser nature. I've just been asked the miracle question - what would I experience if over-night, while I was sleeping, a miracle happened and God completely, 100%, removed my "people-pleasure" nature?

I think back over the years - almost 24 to be exact - and I look at  millions of scenarios that I have gone through where my people-pleaser was enacted. Scenarios where, at a VERY young age I see Mommy is stressed out about something, she seems on the verge of tears but she wont talk. She just sits there pouring excessive frustrating energy into her work, has her headphones in, and tries to act like everything is OK. But everything is not OK - I KNOW nothing is OK. But she's trying so hard to not cause me stress or to burden me because she thinks I'm fragile, so she keeps it to herself thinking no one can help her. So I start cleaning the house, I start picking up my stuff, I start trying to remove my presence from the house and limit it to that space I have been given called my bedroom. Even there I have to make things better, I have to appear as if I'm put together lest it causes Mommy more stress. I do this to help Mommy feel better. Maybe I'll make her some lunch. But then I make such a big mess and I try to cook over an open flame and Mommy comes in and sees the mess and sees the flame and I see the negative emotions on her face and I begin to cry. I go put myself in time-out. Maybe if I learned by punishing myself I could learn to not cause Mommy to have negative emotions and then she wouldn't. If I...If I...if I...

Oh Ms. People-Pleaser, you have put on a front and deceived me. You taught me that to focus on myself in any capacity is to be selfish. You scolded me when I expressed my needs and desires. You caused me anxiety and stress for years. You deceived me into thinking that I needed to focus on others so I could be approved and accepted. In a back-handed, utterly diabolical way you have made me selfish and then slapped me across the face whenever I ever tried to be a normal human being and ask others to meet my needs and desires. You have made me manipulative...through doing things for others I believed I could make others like me and want me in their life. You have made me tired...oh so very tired and depressed. You have made me feel that I couldn't let others get close to me, that I couldn't let others care for me...because then that would be selfish. You have made me undervalue and de-value myself simply because I was human and then allowed shame to take root because I had such a low self-esteem, because I was so depressed. And even though you spurred me into action to do some beautiful things in this world, and you drove me in a direction I believed was walking closer to God's heart, you are a broken expression of myself. So let me teach you, Ms. People-Pleaser about God's heart, about God's love and His grace and mercy. Let me teach you about how Jesus served. Let me show you and bring you into an experience with the Living Savior and find yourself being redeemed. Because right now, you are and always have been sin. But God still deeply and unconditionally loves you Ms. People-Pleaser.

So what would it be like to be healed, to be miraculously freed of being a people-pleaser? I would find myself free to live, I would allow myself room to just be. I would allow myself to have a better understanding of what I am truly responsible for (hmm...boundaries) and what others are responsible for. If I was free of being a people-pleaser I would be more able to express my needs and ask people to help meet them when I can't because in reality in this world we need each other. I would be able to look at what I have, really and honestly, to be able to give to others to help them meet their needs. I would learn to be OK to stop at empathy and would allow my empathy to be placed in a flourishing and nourishing environment. I would be able to invite people more into being in community with me. I would be more open to allowing myself to make mistakes. I would have so much energy! Goodness, I may even dance every day I would have so much energy! And I would really, truly be able to serve and handle the things life brings my way with more grace and courage than I ever had before. Because I would be free from the concerns of what judgments people are making about me. I would be able to learn to accept that I am a burden. Goodness that is really hard to accept, but it's real. I am a burden and I need others to help meet my neediness.

In a perfect world this is what community would look like - where we each take time to express our needs and others take on the responsibility to help meet them as they are able to or else they're able to help us meet our own needs ourselves. In reality that's what Jesus wants from us. He wants us to come to Him with our needs because He knows we are living, existing beings. If we ceased having needs we would cease to live. So as our loving Father, He invites us to come before Him, to be with Him, to ask Him for things. He has given us His promises for us to know that these are things that we all need, and they are invitations for us to learn to trust Him to care for us. They are invitations for us to trust that we can ask Him for other things. Truly at the core of every other need we may have in life is this need for Him - for we were made for His glory and pleasure. In order to become ourselves, in order to be all He has made us to be, we NEED Him. All other needs will be meaningless and unfulfilled unless this need is met first. And then it teaches us that He is really all we truly need in this world.

Blessings!

Facing My Giants

This last Monday I took the GRE for the second time. I still feel that this was a pivotal point for me in moving forward. This wasn't about a test score. This was about facing my giants.

The giants of fear of rejection. The giants of defining my worth and value by my successes in life and school. The giants of loneliness. The giants of feeling forgotten. The giants of worthlessness as a woman. The giants of all the teasing, harassment, and secrets and rumors spread about me. The giants of feeling that the only way to get positive attention was when I was successful. In many ways this week I'm still facing them. All the old voices in my head that have taken root for too long, all the hope in the world for what's ahead. And yet here I stand in this place of transition.

I remember the clubs I was always the last to be chosen for - or never chosen. I remember the teasing and the taunting. "You're a tub of lard!" one boy said to me once. I think that's the only one I specifically remember exactly what they said. The others I remember the feelings, but the words have been forgotten. I remember winning the spelling bee in 1st grade and the substitute teacher unbeknownst to me told my class that if I won then we would get a recess. I won, we got a recess, and I was practically carried out to the playground. Everyone hugged me, everyone wanted to do exactly what I wanted to do. Success meant I would get special treatment, success meant I was someone.

I strove, I fought, I tore myself down so I could be successful. I missed so many opportunities to learn. My parents had to remind me many times that I did love to learn, and I did, but it was overshadowed by this deep-seated fear that if I didn't succeed 110% I was a nobody. I was a leader, I succeeded academically and I was very depressed. And yet, it was the voices of people who really cared that kept me going. Especially the voice of the One who holds my heart and life in His hands.

I remember trying to take out these giants before. I remember coming at them and thinking I took them down. I probably did take them down but not take them out. That's what this next year will be. I'm going to take them out, starting with this one test. It's a David and Goliath moment - the radical obedience, incredible faith of David to know that when I fling those 5 smooth stones the giant will fall.

There's a line in The Princess Diaries that says "Courage isn't the absence of fear, but the knowledge that there is something greater than fear." Something greater than fear...

That something greater is the knowledge that the more I face the hard and difficult things the more God leads me into someplace beautiful and very good. When I think of where I could be in a year from now I find myself excited that I have the potential to be more open to loving people, more free, more in love with Jesus, more healthy and more whole. More able to understand the world around me and how to help others walk towards wholeness. More able to understand people and how to help them understand themselves. David had to face Goliath and all of the voices around him that said simply because he was who he was he wasn't qualified or capable. And when God came through to rescue the Children of Israel because of one shepherd boy's faith and a whole nation's destiny at stake David himself stepped into a momentous journey towards being king.

Right now, I look inside and see a young woman who very much still feels like a girl. I see someone who is still rather scared, still rather anxious, still dealing with some old habits and patterns of thoughts that were developed very naturally. Some of them were my nature nurtured in a particular way as a result of the stories and things in my past. But yet there's someone there who deeply cares and feels for people, someone who loves to dream and envision the future, someone who can be kind and gentle yet tenacious and fierce. There's someone who is naive and yet is smart and capable of dealing with a lot of things going on. There's someone who loves to learn and yet still has a ton to learn. There's someone who never thought she would be able to truly trust again, and yet she has people in her life whom she deeply trusts. There's someone who has a deep faith and yet still has a ton to learn about having a relationship with Jesus and living that out in the real world. There's someone who is scared to be open and vulnerable and yet she cannot help herself be an open book, and in fact is stepping into a position of influence where this vulnerability and openness challenges those around her to step into vulnerability and openness. There's someone who is scared of community for the fear of the judgments and expectations towards her that community carries, and yet she is very very passionate about developing community. There's someone who very much cares about the opinions and thoughts of others and yet is learning to compare those voices to the truth before she lets them define her. Someone who is serious and yet has a very hidden silly and funny side. Someone who can belch the ABC's and yet knows how to be prim and proper when it really counts. Someone who loves to tickle and pull pranks and jokes on people and yet loves to snuggle and tenderly hold others, someone who cries when others cry.

Something greater than fear...

David's destiny was deeply intertwined with the destiny of the nation of Israel. He knew that when he took that stand up against Goliath he was also standing in the gap for Israel, and standing up to the voices that tore them down because he knew Who's voice spoke the truth. That is something I aspire to - if I can know the voice of Truth then I will be able to help impact others' to step into their destiny and develop a deep relationship with the One who longs to know them deeply and intimately.

In facing my giants, I am able to grow in my ability to hear the Voice of Truth. In facing my giants, I'm able to let go of all the old chains and roots that seek to keep me stagnant and static where I used to be. In facing my giants I am able to say "You are no longer going to go with me. You are no longer going to define me and no longer going to hold me back from God's best for me." I'm not going to lie, there's going to be many days where the fears and anxieties are great and I may feel tempted to fall back into old habits. There are many days when my heart will hurt and be hurt again. But with every moment like that, with every moment of faith, with every sling-shot at that giant I know it's God's power that ultimately will bring the victory.

At His Feet

I have a confession...I like to sneak off to a very private place, put my headphones in, turn up the worship music really loud and just dance. When I was in college there was never a private place I could get to that I wouldn't be found unless I locked myself away in a room; sometimes I went out at 2am and danced under the stars in worship to my King. I dance only for Him. When I listen to this song I feel like dancing, to worship my King.

A few years ago I was invited to join a group of my friends to go to the Onething conference at the International House of Prayer in Kansas City, MO. It was there, when my heart was in a very hurting and confused place, that Jesus revealed to me that I am made for worship and for me specifically that the place I am the most fulfilled is sitting at His feet. In that place of prayer, sitting at His feet, being in His presence, was probably one of the first times I began to grasp this notion of grace and how deeply incredible His love is. Here's an excerpt from my personal journal of that time:

"Oh precious Jesus, my heart cries out praise to You! You did not forsake me in my selfishness; nor when I was guilty for believing the lies and the things this world bombarded me with. When I dragged myself along the wayside, wallowing in shame and pity, believing I was worthy of eating the dust of the ground, You chose me and called me beautiful. And when I ran from the Courts of the King as I was caught up in my sin and my shame, you found me in the pig's pen, eating the slop, and You welcomed me home. Giving me all the riches I did not deserve, but You call me worthy...You call me righteous. Oh Beautiful One, give me the determination to never give up or give in. Oh My Savior, always take me in Your arms and dance with me...show me Your heart and give me wisdom beyond my feeble mind...."

"You are the Glory and lifter of my head. Your Name is Holy, Holy."

I still find myself amazed over the last 6 months. I don't think I will ever stop being in awe of all the Lord has done in my heart and my life. I have been seeking so much for so long and in a matter of a few months so many prayers were answered. So much has still yet to be worked through, but never before have I experienced such an incredible and intense season of joy and freedom. To have had that moment when I finally came before Jesus in the full reality of who I am in order to present to Him that which I am the most ashamed of and to have Him embrace me in all of His holiness. I am wholly unworthy...I deserve to eat the dust of the earth and to make my bed among the pigs, and yet here is Jesus embracing all of me in all of His holiness and majesty and He says "I love you My beautiful child."

"Come, let us tell of the Lord's greatness; let us exalt His name together. I prayed to the Lord and He answered me. He freed me from all my fears. Those who look to Him for help will be radiant with joy; no shadow of shame will darken their faces." Psalms 34:3-5

"For the Lord Your God is living among you. He is a mighty savior. He will take delight in you with gladness. With His love He will calm all your fears. He will rejoice of you with joyful songs." Zephaniah 3:17

"You heard my cry and delivered me. So here I am, at Your feet. At Your feet."

In quietness, in desperation, in hope, in longing I come and sit at His feet. In times when my thoughts and actions leave me in deep sadness and guilt I come and sit at His feet. In times when my fears and anxiety seek to consume me I come and sit at His feet. In times when joy is bursting from the depths of my soul I come and sit at His feet. In times when I feel completely lost as to what I am supposed to do I come and sit at His feet. In times of intense prayer and intense processing I come and sit at His feet. In times when the memories come flooding back and I relive the pain, the moments of shame, the lies spoken into my heart, the feelings of inadequacy, the feelings of rejection, and the regrets of my actions I come and sit at His feet.

It is there at His feet that truth is spoken into my heart and my life. It is there at His feet that joy is found. It is there at His feet that hope and life is found. It is there at His feet that my life, the completeness and fullness of who I am, is redeemed and made righteous. It is there at His feet that I am the most safe. It is there at His feet that I am able to pour into others. It is there at His feet that I learn God Almighty can be trusted.

It truly is where I am the most fulfilled.

When I think about the last 6 months the greatest joy I find is in coming back to this place of fulfillment - sitting at His feet, being in His presence.When I look at verses that talk about the Lord taking delight in us - taking delight in us with gladness - it honestly shatters the feelings of inadequacy I carry in my heart. Going beyond the truth that God loves us - as this is sometimes downplayed by the thought that God has to love everyone by default - it reveals a love that is not burdensome. It reveals a love that is uplifting, a love that ascribes worth, and a love that conquers. A love that is most pure, a love that cleanses and redeems. A love that longs and woos.  A love that cherishes.

The God of the Universe, Beloved, takes delight in us with gladness! Can you grasp even the slightest inkling of what that is like? The Lord of the Universe invites you, me, us to come away from the pressures and demands, the struggles and burdens, the efforts and works to sit at His feet - even for a little while - and dwell in His presence. To gaze into His eyes...to crawl into His lap and rest our head against His chest. To listen to His heartbeat. To let Him embrace us. Yes...it is scary...it's scary because it's a vulnerable place to come as we are before Someone so Holy and Righteous and Just...But it is because of His grace through sending His Son, to shed blameless blood to pay the price for our sins that we are now made righteous and able to come before Him. At first there may be trepidation, it may be hard to grasp this love that sounds too good to be true, too awesome for lowly me. But as I've learned the more you taste, the more you experience, the more you step towards this love the more you long for this place at His feet. The more you find your heart and life being fulfilled. The more you find nothing else in this world can ever compare.

Come, Beloved, come and sit at His feet.

"You are the Glory, Glory. You are the glory, the lifter of my head. Your name is Holy, Holy."

Coming Full Circle

This Monday I take the GRE. This is my 2nd time taking the GRE but the first time where I am very actively preparing myself for the test. And for reasons beyond my understanding I am very anxious right now. Not about the test per say, but about everything else going on.

A few weeks ago I found myself in a situation where I was taken advantage of by a mall vendor and found myself being schmoozed out of a bunch of money I did not really have. Then my neighbor's house was broken into, a friend told me about a situation that made me sick to my stomach that she's involved in, and then a homeless man decided to park himself outside our house and the police told us he's been in trouble with them recently. And I freaked out - these situations brought back memories from my past that were far less threatening and hurtful than some similar situations could be but they make me afraid that if I've already experienced these, what's to keep me from being really hurt in the future.

This really threw me for a loop over the holiday season and I found myself really struggling with certain things in my life, my anxiety increased, and I started thinking about my inadequacies. Not just my inadequacies, but what if I messed up, what if I didn't do everything possible. What would happen if I failed or wasn't "good enough" and I didn't get into the program. I really really really want to get into the program...

As I sit here writing this the Lord is asking me yet again "what is the truth?" and "do you trust Me?"

The truth.

The truth is I am completely, unconditionally, and totally loved by God Almighty. The truth is there is nothing I can do to earn or lose his love. The truth is my God has His hand of protection over me and is watching out for me. The truth is God is the director of my future and as His child I need to trust His leadership of my life. The truth is that God will lead and equip me to follow after His direction alone. The truth is I need to surrender and trust Him completely with my life. The truth is God is with me - He promises to never leave me nor forsake me. The truth is the power of the Holy Spirit dwells within me. The truth is I am able to forgive, comfort, love, admonish, correct and empower others because this is what Christ did for me. The truth is God's grace and mercy is one of the greatest challenges we as believers can show to the world around us. The truth is my sins have been forgiven and no longer hold any power over my life. The truth is that I am created for worship, so I need to know that everything I do in my life needs to be based out of a place of worship. The truth is that I need to seek His face and His face alone for each step I take. The truth is He has provided me with a community and a system of support that can make sure I keep moving forward in a healthy and good direction. The truth is I have a Church community and friends who hear from the Lord and are able to speak His truth into my life.

"Do you trust Me?"

Over the last few months this has been a significant question I've been asked multiple times. It's usually when I want to be afraid. It's usually asked when I want to focus on myself and my capabilities - or lack thereof. When I want to cower in my shame over my own sin and fallibility. When I am asked to take a huge step in my life. When I am being challenged beyond my own strength. This question alone has taught me to keep my focus solely on God. To keep my eyes fixed upon His face as I take one unclear step into the unknown after another. It challenges me to look deeply within and find where I stand with God at each juncture of this journey. Yes, sometimes it's hard to trust. Sometimes it's HARD to trust. Sometimes it requires a great deal of surrender and faith in what God says in His word. And sometimes I trust God because I am completely lost in what I need to do.

And let me tell you, there is such an incredible amount of freedom in surrendering to God.

So here I am. Standing having come full circle back at the place I was back in June when I first decided I really should seek counseling. Except I'm not at the place I was back in June. I am not the same person I was 6 months ago. My faith is not the same it was back then - it's so much better. My relationship with the Lord is so much deeper. And my friendships in my life are so much truer and more intimate than I have ever had. I have changed career directions, I have found a new church, I have developed deeper friendships. I have started new friendships. I have found healing enough to know I can trust others again. I have found healing enough to start learning that there are men out there I can trust, and begin to seek deep, true healing from the things in my past that have been done to me at the hands of men. I have confessed something hard and found the Lord of the Universe embracing me in all of His holiness. I have begun to move in a direction towards holiness and purity that I like.

 I have stepped into something new in my life. I have changed so much. I have realized how incredible God is and I will never be the same.