Facing My Giants

This last Monday I took the GRE for the second time. I still feel that this was a pivotal point for me in moving forward. This wasn't about a test score. This was about facing my giants.

The giants of fear of rejection. The giants of defining my worth and value by my successes in life and school. The giants of loneliness. The giants of feeling forgotten. The giants of worthlessness as a woman. The giants of all the teasing, harassment, and secrets and rumors spread about me. The giants of feeling that the only way to get positive attention was when I was successful. In many ways this week I'm still facing them. All the old voices in my head that have taken root for too long, all the hope in the world for what's ahead. And yet here I stand in this place of transition.

I remember the clubs I was always the last to be chosen for - or never chosen. I remember the teasing and the taunting. "You're a tub of lard!" one boy said to me once. I think that's the only one I specifically remember exactly what they said. The others I remember the feelings, but the words have been forgotten. I remember winning the spelling bee in 1st grade and the substitute teacher unbeknownst to me told my class that if I won then we would get a recess. I won, we got a recess, and I was practically carried out to the playground. Everyone hugged me, everyone wanted to do exactly what I wanted to do. Success meant I would get special treatment, success meant I was someone.

I strove, I fought, I tore myself down so I could be successful. I missed so many opportunities to learn. My parents had to remind me many times that I did love to learn, and I did, but it was overshadowed by this deep-seated fear that if I didn't succeed 110% I was a nobody. I was a leader, I succeeded academically and I was very depressed. And yet, it was the voices of people who really cared that kept me going. Especially the voice of the One who holds my heart and life in His hands.

I remember trying to take out these giants before. I remember coming at them and thinking I took them down. I probably did take them down but not take them out. That's what this next year will be. I'm going to take them out, starting with this one test. It's a David and Goliath moment - the radical obedience, incredible faith of David to know that when I fling those 5 smooth stones the giant will fall.

There's a line in The Princess Diaries that says "Courage isn't the absence of fear, but the knowledge that there is something greater than fear." Something greater than fear...

That something greater is the knowledge that the more I face the hard and difficult things the more God leads me into someplace beautiful and very good. When I think of where I could be in a year from now I find myself excited that I have the potential to be more open to loving people, more free, more in love with Jesus, more healthy and more whole. More able to understand the world around me and how to help others walk towards wholeness. More able to understand people and how to help them understand themselves. David had to face Goliath and all of the voices around him that said simply because he was who he was he wasn't qualified or capable. And when God came through to rescue the Children of Israel because of one shepherd boy's faith and a whole nation's destiny at stake David himself stepped into a momentous journey towards being king.

Right now, I look inside and see a young woman who very much still feels like a girl. I see someone who is still rather scared, still rather anxious, still dealing with some old habits and patterns of thoughts that were developed very naturally. Some of them were my nature nurtured in a particular way as a result of the stories and things in my past. But yet there's someone there who deeply cares and feels for people, someone who loves to dream and envision the future, someone who can be kind and gentle yet tenacious and fierce. There's someone who is naive and yet is smart and capable of dealing with a lot of things going on. There's someone who loves to learn and yet still has a ton to learn. There's someone who never thought she would be able to truly trust again, and yet she has people in her life whom she deeply trusts. There's someone who has a deep faith and yet still has a ton to learn about having a relationship with Jesus and living that out in the real world. There's someone who is scared to be open and vulnerable and yet she cannot help herself be an open book, and in fact is stepping into a position of influence where this vulnerability and openness challenges those around her to step into vulnerability and openness. There's someone who is scared of community for the fear of the judgments and expectations towards her that community carries, and yet she is very very passionate about developing community. There's someone who very much cares about the opinions and thoughts of others and yet is learning to compare those voices to the truth before she lets them define her. Someone who is serious and yet has a very hidden silly and funny side. Someone who can belch the ABC's and yet knows how to be prim and proper when it really counts. Someone who loves to tickle and pull pranks and jokes on people and yet loves to snuggle and tenderly hold others, someone who cries when others cry.

Something greater than fear...

David's destiny was deeply intertwined with the destiny of the nation of Israel. He knew that when he took that stand up against Goliath he was also standing in the gap for Israel, and standing up to the voices that tore them down because he knew Who's voice spoke the truth. That is something I aspire to - if I can know the voice of Truth then I will be able to help impact others' to step into their destiny and develop a deep relationship with the One who longs to know them deeply and intimately.

In facing my giants, I am able to grow in my ability to hear the Voice of Truth. In facing my giants, I'm able to let go of all the old chains and roots that seek to keep me stagnant and static where I used to be. In facing my giants I am able to say "You are no longer going to go with me. You are no longer going to define me and no longer going to hold me back from God's best for me." I'm not going to lie, there's going to be many days where the fears and anxieties are great and I may feel tempted to fall back into old habits. There are many days when my heart will hurt and be hurt again. But with every moment like that, with every moment of faith, with every sling-shot at that giant I know it's God's power that ultimately will bring the victory.