Coming Full Circle

This Monday I take the GRE. This is my 2nd time taking the GRE but the first time where I am very actively preparing myself for the test. And for reasons beyond my understanding I am very anxious right now. Not about the test per say, but about everything else going on.

A few weeks ago I found myself in a situation where I was taken advantage of by a mall vendor and found myself being schmoozed out of a bunch of money I did not really have. Then my neighbor's house was broken into, a friend told me about a situation that made me sick to my stomach that she's involved in, and then a homeless man decided to park himself outside our house and the police told us he's been in trouble with them recently. And I freaked out - these situations brought back memories from my past that were far less threatening and hurtful than some similar situations could be but they make me afraid that if I've already experienced these, what's to keep me from being really hurt in the future.

This really threw me for a loop over the holiday season and I found myself really struggling with certain things in my life, my anxiety increased, and I started thinking about my inadequacies. Not just my inadequacies, but what if I messed up, what if I didn't do everything possible. What would happen if I failed or wasn't "good enough" and I didn't get into the program. I really really really want to get into the program...

As I sit here writing this the Lord is asking me yet again "what is the truth?" and "do you trust Me?"

The truth.

The truth is I am completely, unconditionally, and totally loved by God Almighty. The truth is there is nothing I can do to earn or lose his love. The truth is my God has His hand of protection over me and is watching out for me. The truth is God is the director of my future and as His child I need to trust His leadership of my life. The truth is that God will lead and equip me to follow after His direction alone. The truth is I need to surrender and trust Him completely with my life. The truth is God is with me - He promises to never leave me nor forsake me. The truth is the power of the Holy Spirit dwells within me. The truth is I am able to forgive, comfort, love, admonish, correct and empower others because this is what Christ did for me. The truth is God's grace and mercy is one of the greatest challenges we as believers can show to the world around us. The truth is my sins have been forgiven and no longer hold any power over my life. The truth is that I am created for worship, so I need to know that everything I do in my life needs to be based out of a place of worship. The truth is that I need to seek His face and His face alone for each step I take. The truth is He has provided me with a community and a system of support that can make sure I keep moving forward in a healthy and good direction. The truth is I have a Church community and friends who hear from the Lord and are able to speak His truth into my life.

"Do you trust Me?"

Over the last few months this has been a significant question I've been asked multiple times. It's usually when I want to be afraid. It's usually asked when I want to focus on myself and my capabilities - or lack thereof. When I want to cower in my shame over my own sin and fallibility. When I am asked to take a huge step in my life. When I am being challenged beyond my own strength. This question alone has taught me to keep my focus solely on God. To keep my eyes fixed upon His face as I take one unclear step into the unknown after another. It challenges me to look deeply within and find where I stand with God at each juncture of this journey. Yes, sometimes it's hard to trust. Sometimes it's HARD to trust. Sometimes it requires a great deal of surrender and faith in what God says in His word. And sometimes I trust God because I am completely lost in what I need to do.

And let me tell you, there is such an incredible amount of freedom in surrendering to God.

So here I am. Standing having come full circle back at the place I was back in June when I first decided I really should seek counseling. Except I'm not at the place I was back in June. I am not the same person I was 6 months ago. My faith is not the same it was back then - it's so much better. My relationship with the Lord is so much deeper. And my friendships in my life are so much truer and more intimate than I have ever had. I have changed career directions, I have found a new church, I have developed deeper friendships. I have started new friendships. I have found healing enough to know I can trust others again. I have found healing enough to start learning that there are men out there I can trust, and begin to seek deep, true healing from the things in my past that have been done to me at the hands of men. I have confessed something hard and found the Lord of the Universe embracing me in all of His holiness. I have begun to move in a direction towards holiness and purity that I like.

 I have stepped into something new in my life. I have changed so much. I have realized how incredible God is and I will never be the same.