Peace On Earth

With Christmas almost one day away I sit here having experienced and watched some very thought provoking events, documentaries, and movies concerning the end times. Around this time of the year we sing songs about peace and joy and stillness. And yet this year was unique as December 21st was, according to the Mayan calendar, supposed to be the end of the world. Seeing that the 21st is now over and the earth is indeed still alive and kicking we begin to once again let our minds contemplate what Christmas is all about. And it is this odd mixing of the two thoughts - peace and destruction - for this particular season of 2012 that has gotten me wondering if we really understand the significance of the Mayan calendar ending on the 21st - 4 days before we celebrate Christ's birth - life coming forth out of death. And this idea of world peace in both the story of Christmas and the story foretold of the end of the earth. Last night, while on my Christmas break and needing something to do I stumbled upon the movie "The Daniel Project" on Netflix. It was a very thought-provoking and difficult documentary to watch (especially considering I watched it after midnight). The whole documentary was examining Biblical prophecies about the end times and how some have come true and how there are some things already set into place that could lead to the fulfillment of those Biblical prophecies (literally) that have yet to be fulfilled. There was discussion on how there was a lot of evidence for the correlation between the advancement of technology and the rate at which the prophecies are being fulfilled. But one intriguing point the documentary brought up was this discussion of a single leader, heading a new global movement toward world peace but it would be out of this movement that the war to end all wars (Armageddon) was going to take place. There were many snippets of speeches by President Obama where he adamantly pushed globally for this movement toward world peace - ultimately sending us towards a one world government. Peace on earth? I asked myself the question, that if these prophecies do come true and that out of this movement toward world peace we would all find ourselves united as one - globally - how can we not move towards that final battle? The only hope for world peace is to have peace within ourselves. Mr. President, how do you expect us to live united, and peacefully, if we are a people whose hearts and souls are anything but peaceful? And how does the Church remain united and devoted to God Almighty when there is so much division and hatred within our hearts towards one another? I may attend one particular Church where relations are healthy but the Church is not just one building, or group of people, the Church is global. Are we to forget our brothers and sisters to save ourselves on that last day? A community of peace can only come from a group of individuals who live with peace indwelling in their own hearts - a peace that is not self-serving but is an expression of the Spirit's indwelling work in an individual. On this almost eve before the celebration of Christ's birth, I want to send a message...when a child is born it takes a community to raise a child; that child becomes central to everything a community does. It's this (albeit oddly rationalized) idea of Christ being the center of our lives where the world finds "peace on earth." It is with the birth of one child - fully God and fully man - that becomes central to a global community (not to make the mistake of thinking that somehow God is incapable of working or doing anything without human efforts because He's not) by which peace came to earth. I challenge you and I challenge myself this new season to not fall prey to a false understanding of peace - for world peace will not come without God's peace being in the hearts and souls of every individual. What an odd holiday season this is.

Forgiveness...

I do not profess to have this down. I do not profess to be completely whole or free yet from the things that have happened in my past. Forgiveness...I think it's time for me to stop trying to figure things out by myself and enter into a season of going after becoming whole in Jesus. I think it's time to lay down some healthy boundaries and be real with myself - to get the counsel I need. I think it's time to face the lies behind the shame I carry so deeply within me...I haven't been sure of what I wanted for so long but now as I realize the intensity of the struggle I realize that I want to live in all of the good things that God has for my life. I gave up a long time ago on school because I realized that there is nothing within me that wants to fight for what I'm doing in school. But I want to fight - I want to love myself but you see this shame I carry goes so deep. There...are things that I have done...there are things that happened to me that I don't want to carry any longer but I don't know how to let go - yea I know Jesus...but I have tried to give it up to Jesus for so long and it comes and goes but this time I really want to see the help so I don't have to deal with these seasons of intense depression where I constantly just want to scream to get the pain out of me. This isn't to say that God isn't already doing a lot in my life because He is and that's why I'm in this position to say what I'm saying here. And I know that probably only one person will read this but I don't care because I'm starting to realize that this is something that I'm becoming passionate about - that I truly want to be free and to become everything that God has called me to be...and I'm done with being treated like a victim. I have no idea what this means for my future and I'm a little excited because I want to be free. And I know I am free, but this is a matter of getting it from my head into my heart and really truly being free :)

Working Towards the Calling

My heart is so full of joy tonight after having a deep heart-felt conversation with my Daddy (I guess you could say both my Daddy Daddy and my Heavenly Daddy). Working at getting back my vision of why I'm in college and dealing with a lot of things in my heart that has brought me so much anxiety and frustration in school these last 4 years. I don't want to come up with great goals to achieve because that's what everyone expects from me and has expected from me since I was little - those fears of making a mistake and letting people down has brought me way way down for way way way too long. The goals I want to have for my life now are things that will help me be able to love on people to the greatest capacity that I can commit to with Jesus - for it is when I am able to do things to love people and to show God's love to people that I am the most happy and the most satisfied. Maybe that's why I'm so excited to become an aunt - another little person to show God's love to. Maybe that's why I'm so touchy - or as my Dad puts it "hands on." I have been so caught up in my anxiousness to not make a mistake because throughout the years people have noticed my "achiever" in me and have seen my genuine-ness and have told me since the time I was little that "You are destined for greatness!" and then showed me a picture of greatness and I see now that it was never God's kind of greatness. The goals were always there to strive after this kind of greatness. But the shame of missing the mark and falling below that level has haunted me my whole life. The lies have been bouncing around in my head from the examples of others that I have seen or been told since I was very little that if I don't achieve this greatness, this perfection, then I am nothing. Thank you God, thank you for opening my eyes to see things this way. Thank you for showing me what you are calling me into - the ministry you have given me for my life. I still remember as just still quite a baby that the one thing that drew me to you Lord, and has remained as an assurance in my heart through all the struggles, is that You, God, You ARE Love. My Dad brought to my attention tonight the verse in Hebrews that says: Therefore, since we are surrounded by such a great cloud of witnesses, let us throw off everything that hinders and the sin that so easily entangles. And let us run with perseverance the race marked out for us, 2 fixing our eyes on Jesus, the pioneer and perfecter of faith. For the joy set before him he endured the cross, scorning its shame, and sat down at the right hand of the throne of God. 3 Consider him who endured such opposition from sinners, so that you will not grow weary and lose heart. Hebrews 12:1-3 For it was the joy set before Jesus that he endured the cross, disregarding its shame...I have come to realize in my own heart what this means, but I want to ask you, my readers, what was this joy? I hadn't realized my reasons for doing college until tonight - it just never came up. I mean it was expected of me to do this, and I've struggled with the idea that I really had no choice in choosing Biology as my major because that seemed like the only way to get to my vision for my life. And I knew that Biology was the right path for me, looking back, because it would keep me on that pedestal of perfection and within the boundaries of greatness, but the lack of straight A's and struggling with not feeling smart enough for this has brought me into a position of great distaste towards Biology. But I see things differently now because the things I can learn while doing these biology classes, and these science classes, helps me to grow in the ways I need to so I can become more qualified to do the work that will bring me the greatest joy - loving people, easing their suffering and pain, and showing people God's love in the greatest and most helpful and in a really practical and helpful way by caring for the whole person. This is why I'm doing college and this is why I'm working at riding myself of this depression and these lies. And yes this is good.

Shh...It's a Secret That Only Those Who Read This Will Know About :)

So in approximately 10 weeks I will get to meet this little beauty:

She will be my lovely little niece!!! My brother and sister-in-law are having their first baby - my first time being an aunt! I thank God daily for this precious little treasure and pray for her constantly. She is due to be born November 14th :) If you read this, please do not comment on my facebook page as I'm not allowed to go public completely about this yet. And my first job as an aunt is completed - I have given her the nickname of "Flower," although after she's born I may start calling her "Cherry Blossom" as Cherry blossoms are my favorite flowers and she will be 1/4 Vietnamese! Blessings and thanks for sharing this joyous moment with me! The best is yet to come!!

Out of the Dust

It's here - my senior year in college. I've gotten back into the grind of classes, lack of sleep, eating cheap food, and building relationships again. But even in the midst of all of this my mind is distracted. The depression has come back with a vengeance - starting this last January. Struggling with trusting people again, feeling regret over my major choice (I wanted to do healthcare but Biology was the only option), feeling the hurt of rejection from friends - especially those I really used to be close to. It's a daily struggle; and daily I've got to quote scripture and pour out my heart to God in order to deal with this. I've taken up jogging to deal with the nervous energy; which I guess is good for me because I need to lose weight. I have my really good days and I have my really bad days. God has been reassuring me over and over about His love and that I need to continue to hide myself in Him in order to keep myself from getting hurt. I will probably never find someone on this side of heaven who understands me and why I do/act/say the things I do. I have to remind my mind of my new identity in Christ as a daughter of the most high God. But I will repeat, it's a daily struggle. And I often want to go to a few of my friends and talk with them, but then I'm reminded that I really need to go to God first and depend on Him to help me through before I ever head to my friends. Sometimes I wonder if I'll ever get close to anyone - I really desire close, true, relationships with people around me. I struggle with the fear of being alone, the fear of finding friends and being rejected like I have by many in the past. And I fear what could happen the next time an attack comes. And yet, Jesus is right there, beckoning me and holding me in His arms. I am not without hope, and I am never truly alone. God is healing and strengthening me as I take this time to hide myself in Him. Those moments of sitting and being with God or finding that quiet sanctuary outside where I can dance before my Savior are a precious treasure for me. And it is in this treasure I find so much joy that I can overcome my daily struggle. On days when I'm battle weary Jesus becomes my strength and He continues to give me strength to fight another day. I covet prayers and I know some would think I should go to a psychiatrist but I know this is more a spiritual matter than anything else, as I seek to let Jesus heal the wounds on my heart. I give God the glory in this trial!

Waiting and Trusting

The family is out on vacation this weekend to the North Rim of the Grand Canyon and I'm home alone with the pets. Oh it has been lonely, I don't like being alone - especially when I accidentally lock myself out. Yesterday morning I decided to sweep and when I took the rugs out the back to shake them I closed the door and it locked. I was in my pjs and I had no cell phone on me. I looked under every rock, potted plant, and outside mat for a spare key but I think I have the spare key - inside. 45 minutes later a neighbor sees me sitting by the front door and goes to get security who lets me into the house (there was more than just simply they let me in). But I wasted the day yesterday after that - I watched movies and the Olympics and attempted to read my study books for the fall but gave up because I didn't want to do it. My evening however I decided to spend some time in worship. So I was back outside, singing, as I tossed the dog's ball around. As I'm sitting here this morning having my own quiet time instead of going to church - I don't really know how to get to the churches around here except the Baptist one but that church I don't want to go back to - I started having this disappointed feeling that I haven't been able to really introduce Jesus to someone. I've shared about my faith over and over with people, I've talked about how Christianity is a relationship and not a religion, but people don't want to really listen and I don't know what to do. I feel so ill-equipped for this calling to be here - the words just don't come easily for me. But I know that I can't let this tear me down - I need to use it to build me up and lean on God to help me do this. It is only the Holy Spirit that can change lives, but I gotta keep sharing, I gotta keep loving people I can't give up. This morning as I was thinking about being locked out yesterday it dawned on me there was a hidden message behind that experience - it was like God was showing me that I keep locking myself out from the hearts of those who need to know Jesus because I'm afraid of being left alone, of being rejected. But I gotta let myself in because I know Jesus loves these people, I know that He died for them as well and I know that if I don't at least try to share Jesus and let the Holy Spirit do the rest that I will probably have wasted this trip to serve the Navajo people. Keep praying for me friends. It is so hard to deal with all this religious spirit without having other believers around me to help me walk through certain things. But I think it is time that I no longer expect to have my hand held, I need to be courageous and bold in order to grow into the woman God has called me to be. I just hate being alone, but I know I'm not truly alone and I gotta be OK with that, that i gotta be OK following Jesus and His call on my life even if it means no one else goes with me.

Let the Work Begin

So there's been a lot of things happening and I haven't had time to post anything on here in a while. So here I go, a recap of the last few days. On Thursday morning I was able to get my HIPPA paperwork filled out which meant I could begin looking at patient data but I couldn't work on anything until I had my computer access code which didn't come until late Friday. I spent the rest of the day Thursday at the sand art therapy when my dear friend Betty asked me over to her house some weekday for dinner and to hang out. I couldn't believe my ears! And what an opportunity to build a connection to this community. My day was made! So on Friday I spent the whole entire day (830a-5pm) shadowing around Dr. Meade at the clinic, got to witness 2 acupunctures in the Hoagon (the ceremonial building almost every family has here). Apparently when you walk into a Hoagon you're supposed to walk in clock-wise to keep the energy flowing. As the hours drew by I witnessed how incredibly difficult of a job this is. When patients come into the clinic in excruciating pain and you're supposed to help them not be in pain but they don't want to do PT or acupuncture, all they want is the meds. The lines get blurry right there, because you want to treat the cause of the pain but when the patient doesn't want to treat the cause then that's where medicine becomes really sticky. I learned a lot and got to witness a doctor's care from the fly on the wall position instead of the patient's position - that job is so so hard. On Saturday Pamela and the kids and I drove 2.5 hours north to Lake Powell, to swim at this beautiful beach just on the inside border of Utah - yey, I can cross that off my list! We had so much fun and I got to take the kids deeper into the water where they got to practice their swimming while I assisted. It was so much fun. And we built a sand castle - I loved that sand there, you could build almost anything with it when it was dry! And even though I piled on the sunscreen - almost every half hour, I still got fried (although I don't hurt). We had a blast and Pamela and I had some good conversations on the way back. Sunday we went to this Baptist church in town. I was so excited to fellowship with other believers but it was rather disappointing. They had a holier than thou mindset and kept bashing other churches because they wouldn't preach about heaven and hell - which I know needs to be mentioned in church just to keep us in perspective. But they missed seeing the Bible from the perspective of grace and just exactly what Jesus did on the cross. God's wrath has been appeased, and He sees us through the blood of His Son, which means He sees us as pure, righteous and He asks us to let that purity and righteousness come forth into our lives - letting our being become our doing instead of our doing becoming our being. When we got back I spent the rest of the afternoon napping. Then today I spent the whole day doing paperwork. In order to begin my project I have to go through this 2 foot pile of papers that I have to place the answers into a survey monkey survey and then I can proceed. I didn't nearly get as far as I wanted but I did get a couple hundred done today. Yey! This morning I discovered what a Jerusalem cricket is as I came face to face with one. Yuck! But all in all it was a good day! Tomorrow I get to help out with a wellness day at the clinic - so I should really get to bed. Keep praying for me. It has been hard to share Christ with people in this community (but oh they are such precious people) just because there are so many different religions here. And it seems that everyone has argued with everyone about which religion is the best for too long and so now if you bring up Christ with an LDS or a Navajo spiritualism person they will smile, nod their head and go on their merry way. I need to surrender my desire to lead people to Christ to God because it's the Holy Spirit's work not mine that will do it.I just need to keep on being the evidence of Christ's presence in this community and pray that someone will want to know what makes me so different. Goodnight beloved!!!

Sand Art Therapy

Well, to start off, my body has no idea what time it is. Here on the reservation there's daylight savings but elsewhere in Arizona there is no daylight savings. So here I was sitting in my room, actually E's room, thinking I had a whole hour before I needed to be up. So I put on my iPod and listened to Francesca Battistelli's "Beautiful, Beautiful," and as tears were running down my face I get this soft knock on my door - find out it's really past the time I was supposed to be up and I had like 15 minutes to get ready! We get to the kid's school where I spent most of today. I had no idea what to do right at the beginning so I decided to introduce myself to a couple people. We picked up conversation, and I got busy on my sand art tray as well as a puppet. I had gone in thinking this was an actual therapy session but what it was is a training session for staff from the school, counselor, and dorm to understand some ways to reach the youth and younger of this community when they have problems that arise. My heart just broke at the things I heard - so much like the inner city school kids' problems but different because this involved spiritual aspects, such as superstition. It was a definite learning curve and I walked away with some really good ideas. I met some pretty great people who were all so incredibly gracious to me especially when my body language became offensive to them. Never ever point your finger!! And apparently hands on hips means you're mad...oops! Oh cultural understanding is surely coming slowly!! I was so blessed when they asked after my well-being concerning that the host family I'm staying with is vegetarian. This lady, Betty, was so funny! She looks at me with this concerned look (let me tell you, the expressions are really played down here, except when they're laughing)and says to me "You know the Meades are vegetarian." "Yes" I say. "Oh...are you going to have to eat vegetarian too?" She says as she gives me this look that seemed to ask if I would make it for a whole month in a vegetarian household. So I explained that I can eat anything I want :) On the way home today Pamela showed me some more of Pinon, we went to the only grocery store in the town (they have a Subway here!!!!!). She took me to the post office and then showed me the community center. While we were driving I spotted a cross on the top of a church! Pamela then told me that there's a Mormon church, a Baptist church, and a Catholic church all in town! My heart leaped inside of me! She said any time I wanted to go to church I just need to ask and she'll either come with me or let me take the car! Oh happy day!!! (In case you're wondering I'll go to the Baptist church). Had some fun playing with the kids today and had a delicious vegetarian dinner of crab rolls (they're like enchiladas except for with crab meat and cream of chicken). Oh they're so delicious!! I'm getting into a good habit of praying in the spirit constantly and God has given me so much favor to be able to interact well with the people here. I have already fallen in love with them and am beginning to wonder if I could really leave them and not come back some time later. When the people heard I want to be a PA they asked me to come back. Even though my body is tired I have found so much peace and so much happiness and joy while here. I'll try to take some pictures tomorrow as I'm out and about! Blessings beloved!!!

On the Reservation

So I'm here! My first day of my adventure is coming to an end as I'm heading to bed really early. My day started off by flying out of MN around 715a - sat next to a man who looked exactly like a younger, shorter version of Vin Diesel, and he told me his name is Vince. We got to talking at the end of the flight because both of us snoozed on most of the flight. He told me about his kids and his job as a medical secretary. When we landed in Phoenix (45 min early!) I decided to get some breakfast and Vince ended up joining me - we talked about medicine and our woes about the new health care system. The flight to Flagstaff was interesting - there were only like 10 of us on this really little plane, so we each got our own rows (if we chose) and the flight was pretty uneventful minus the turbulence which seemed to be magnified by the tiny size of the plane. Pamela and the kids greeted me as soon as I walked off the tarmac (yes, we walked off the plane onto the tarmac). The next few hours were a whirl-wind as we went to appointments and errands in Flagstaff. The kids were so enthusiastic and both of them I believe have it in their heads that I'm their best friend; it's going to be a fun next couple of weeks with these sweet little munchkins. Did I tell you the little girl, I'll call her E, decided that she wanted to give me her room while I'm here instead of me sleeping in the office? What a sweetie! After Flagstaff we drove and drove and drove and drove. It felt like forever! Pamela told me all about the sacred mountains we passed, and "I" (that's the little boy) would teach me how to say certain words. I'm still working on remembering all of them. We took a detour on our long drive and went to the Hoppi reservation where we could see Mesa 1, Mesa 2 and Mesa 3 - all these little villages built into the side of the mesa, all the houses built our of rocks and piled one on top of the other. I felt like I was going back in time, but I guess there is a big difference between America and America on the reservation. The people had such run down houses, and the Hoppi almost looked like the Mexicans - I wonder if some might be part Spanish. Onto the reservation at Pinon (after the really worn out dirt road) it was a totally different sight to behold. The houses were so spread out! Pamela explained the level of superstition the Navajo people have and I wonder what God wants me to do about that. My heart is to see just a few people's hearts healed and believe in Jesus. I have yet to see a church in Pinon. Apparently, the only people who have water are those who live in the little community of houses right behind the clinic or those who can afford to pay a pretty penny. It is a very remote place I'm in, and hopefully tomorrow, in better light I'll be able to see things more clearly. As for now, I'm headed to bed, praying the quiet doesn't disturb me all night. I get to go to a therapy session tomorrow where we will be doing sand art! Fun! Good night friends!

So Long Humidity!

Well it's a short little bit until I'm going to head to bed (hopefully no later than 8pm) because I got to get up at 330am. My heart is full of contentment and peace right now as I prepare to step out into the unknown for the next month. Although I'm going to Pinon, Arizona for my senior research project I'm really going on a secret missions trip. Just me and Jesus. I know nothing about the spiritual environment I'm going into and I'm not sure if my host family is very aware of it themselves either. I have no idea what hurt and desperation I'm going into...I have no idea what will be required of me to do this volunteering. But I have determined in my heart that I'm going to Pinon to serve. Over and over in church I have heard how the Native Americans have the top 50 diseases, how suicide and drunkenness are increasing, and just the desperation within the reservations. Today in Church we had a message about those who continue in the Word are Jesus' disciples, and it is this Word of Truth that will set us free. I was incredibly blessed when the church body covered me in prayer. A word came forward that this trip is coming at the right time, how God is going to move in power through me loving the Navajo people, how I need to step out in boldness and that I will begin to see the things I've cried out for in intercession coming into fruition. The Lord is my sustenance and in His presence is the fullness of joy. I've got the presence of Jesus inside of me (and so do you) and so wherever I go, so will Jesus. A word was also spoken that just as my last missions trip had such a powerful testimony that that would only be a nugget compared to the outcome of this trip. This is God's trip and He's asked me to be His instrument. And I believe what was spoken today that God is going to bless the work of my hands. It's a healing business. So OK God, my gaze is fixed on You. I only seek to bring you glory and praise through my service.

Surrendering Loneliness to the Lord

This last weekend I witnessed the marriage of one of my dearest and closest friend. It was beautiful and perfect - the bride was radiant and I got to be one of her 8 bridesmaids. I have been impressed with the level of purity and respect in her relationship with her new husband over the last 3 years, and have found myself desiring to date very similarly. But it's caused me to think lately over the condition of the relationships in my life. This last year I had to walk a long and painful road alone. I had to do it out of duty to the law and fear of what might happen to my family and possibly even my friends. I never knew fear like I did this last year, and I never knew loneliness like I did this last year. I no longer anxiously need people. When I get people in my life I enjoy it but I've come to not expect it. Mom told me the other day that because of who I am I may never have a best friend here on earth. Maybe I'll marry - oh God knows how much I would love to be married and have a family. But I need to be content in God and OK that He may be calling me to a life that is very much alone. I almost see myself becoming like Harriet Tubman in that sense. Who knows. What I do know is that until I learn to surrender these lonely feelings to the Lord - these feelings of not being known and not being able to know someone else at an intimate and true level - I will never walk in the joy of the Lord. I feel God calling me into battle, carrying a mantle of leadership to point people to God's truth, and to continue to show them God's good plan when morals and society around us is pulling us to more of the ways of the world and ways of the flesh. I am not done with steering the leadership away from destruction. What is coming is not something to be taken lightly and I cannot sit back and not hold those people in authority over me and in leadership positions over me in accountability to Christ's standard. For when the day of destruction comes I want to know that I have done all I can do to keep as many people from wavering in their faith and holding fast to God and being blameless in His sight. "Though none go with me still I will follow...no turning back, no turning back." As the old hymn goes. I crave to know Jesus more and to follow after His plan for my life, and if that means that I'm to walk upon this earth alone then so be it. But I pray that in the mean time God to take more and more control over these feelings of loneliness.

Seeing through a Mirror Dimly

I realized recently that I've been harboring a lot of bitterness. My roommates have been so loving and so supportive and so there to hold up my arms when I was getting weak that I can only imagine how much God is there for me.

I've been doing a lot of self-reflection lately. Seeing a lot of bitterness towards myself. Seeing a lot of selfishness, pride, and anger in my own heart. And I've seen areas where God has gifted me that I have not been using that gift to glorify God but myself. One particular gift I have is a gift of empathy. I've had it almost my whole life and when God moved me into a ministry of intercession I was blown out of the waters at the way that God brought particular people to me for me to pray for them. However, I realized that I've been using it all the wrong way. I realized that I've been using it as a way to fix things in other people's lives instead of using it in the way that it was really intended - supporting, encouraging, and lifting up other people in their own personal walks through life and their own personal faith journeys. I discovered a deep inner desire to forgive others. I discovered a desire to find a wholesome peace and walk out that peace in my own life!! To live within God's rest! To love radically and to give self-sacrificially to others. But to also love myself! Don't know how I'm going to do this, I know I can't do it, it has to be the Holy Spirit within me. But I do know that God is there with me along the whole journey. Blessings!

The Beautiful Battle

7 months. 7 months and the battle is still raging. And in all honesty I did not expect to have to struggle to not see myself as a victim within this situation with Bethel. I find myself struggling to trust, struggling to find my place in society, struggling to let other people into the battle with me, and struggle to find where God is leading me right now. Meeting with my counselor has been such a God-send! I have enjoyed the time and have realized that I do need to do some real changes in how I do self-care. Something changed for me in December and I think it had a lot to do with the feelings of loneliness, that I have to fight this battle alone. Lydia, my roommate, the other day corrected me in a tough-love sort of way. I told her that I didn't feel like I could go to the roommates for support in this even though they have because I don't feel like I can ask them to walk with me through this. She said that idea was stupid and that because we chose to be roommates we all chose to walk with each other through the good and the bad, the thick and thin. I've been realizing so many things that I've experienced in this situation, let's just call it the mountain. I never expected to find myself bitter over not having a community supporting me in this - I feel drained, going between dealing with this at Bethel and then going home to deal with it on the homefront. So many times I've wanted to run away. So many times I've wanted to scream. But God's peace and comfort rushes in and those feelings disappear. After chapel this morning I discovered a root of bitterness that had arisen in my life over the last 3 months and I don't like it. I see how it's gotten in the way of my relationships and especially my relationship with God. Over and over in my journal I ask God for a close friend and here I have them right in my dorm room! I ask God for holy intimacy not with God and with maybe a sister/mentor figure. And here I have them. The other day I begged God, as pathetic as that was, for people to come and give me hugs instead of me giving people hugs all the time. I've felt like God has been giving me a level of grace that I've never experienced before. The grace to do things for others but still feeling fed and nourished myself. I've found myself having a more realistic understanding of people and a better understanding of myself. I'm working on no longer pushing myself out of the picture but realizing myself in the minute-to-minute events. As an assignment from my counselor I discovered that I tend place my emotions in my head but when I empathize and carry others' emotions I place them in my stomach. OK so that probably didn't make sense but it does to me and I need to just put that out there.

There have been things changing in the spiritual realm around my immediate family. I think it's affected me more than anyone else but Mom talked about a deep level of spiritual oppression she and Dad have been facing for about a week now. I too have experienced this oppression but it's like nothing I've ever faced before in my life. My emotions have been all over the place, but more than that changing situations and events have come in a flood for me, mostly dealing with relationships. I find myself so weak at this time. The other day I had a really sharp pain in my side and I was sort of thinking it was an ovarian cyst, but it's gone now so I'm praying against it. I almost blew up at my roommates for not doing the dishes last night and I have not been that angry in a very long time. I think it's the root of bitterness. But I also think this new level of spiritual oppression has to deal with the fact that my parents are taking hours of their day to pray, and I all of a sudden can't find enough time to spend a decent amount in prayer and just being in God's presence. I find myself at times wanting to scream. God is doing something beautiful, although we cannot yet perceive what it is I believe that God is working in a powerful way right now and I have to continue to forgive, to surrender this mountain to Him and to just be still in His presence. Pray for me friends, things are changing right now and I don't quite know how to deal with it. Blessings!!

Oh Lord...

Tired as I am I feel I need to be honest. I'm struggling. I'm a week away from my first meeting with my counselor and my head is spinning with so many things. Thankfulness towards God yet furious over everything, longing for more intimacy with God but also longing so much for intimacy with people (fyi I'm not talking sexually). It's this one foot in the throne room of God while another foot is stuck in the mud here on earth. I struggle to find the courage to get out of patterns of sin yet I so long to sit more at Jesus feet and feel clean. I long to be something I've believed I am and yet I know who I am to Jesus, I just can't seem to make it stick every single day of my life! There are so many ways that Jesus is tenderly asking me to open my heart more to Him but at the same time I'm scared. Scared of what He might find, scared of how to handle opening my heart to God without opening my heart in the same way to people. I struggle to trust people now but I know more and more that I can trust God. I struggle to be with my friends now since I can't ask them to walk with me through this struggle and I even wonder if they would want to. The other day I saw a vision of Jesus and He was holding out a gold cup to me and He asked me "Are you willing to drink of this cup as well?" Oh Lord I want to...I so want to but I feel so not ready yet. There's so much about the Bible that I don't know. There's so much I need to surrender to You before I can. I realized the other day that I find myself needing to surrender everything every day and that if I don't name it as I surrender then I don't end up surrendering it to God. I ask God "Who will go with me?" and yet I know in my mind that the right response is "though none go with me still I will follow." I so want this to be real, this faith! I have such a hard time getting things out of my mind and into my heart and once they're in my heart I don't seem to be able to let it stay. I think it's because there's still sin in my life. I hunger for discipleship...I hunger for intimacy...but yet I wonder where my heart is at when i know that this can all be met in Jesus, yet somehow that knowledge doesn't seem to be enough. What is wrong with me? I feel a lot lately that I am so confused and so alone, but yet I know I'm not. I want to run away from everything but I know that the battle is right here and that if I don't fight I never will. Oh Lord...I'm in a quandary. But yet my heart still cries out its love for You. I seek Your peace and joy but also more than anything, Your love.