Forgiveness...

I do not profess to have this down. I do not profess to be completely whole or free yet from the things that have happened in my past. Forgiveness...I think it's time for me to stop trying to figure things out by myself and enter into a season of going after becoming whole in Jesus. I think it's time to lay down some healthy boundaries and be real with myself - to get the counsel I need. I think it's time to face the lies behind the shame I carry so deeply within me...I haven't been sure of what I wanted for so long but now as I realize the intensity of the struggle I realize that I want to live in all of the good things that God has for my life. I gave up a long time ago on school because I realized that there is nothing within me that wants to fight for what I'm doing in school. But I want to fight - I want to love myself but you see this shame I carry goes so deep. There...are things that I have done...there are things that happened to me that I don't want to carry any longer but I don't know how to let go - yea I know Jesus...but I have tried to give it up to Jesus for so long and it comes and goes but this time I really want to see the help so I don't have to deal with these seasons of intense depression where I constantly just want to scream to get the pain out of me. This isn't to say that God isn't already doing a lot in my life because He is and that's why I'm in this position to say what I'm saying here. And I know that probably only one person will read this but I don't care because I'm starting to realize that this is something that I'm becoming passionate about - that I truly want to be free and to become everything that God has called me to be...and I'm done with being treated like a victim. I have no idea what this means for my future and I'm a little excited because I want to be free. And I know I am free, but this is a matter of getting it from my head into my heart and really truly being free :)