Love Beyond Comprehension

It's been a bit since I last updated my blog. I have to say, it's nice being back here. Sometimes I feel like what I have to say is inadequate, sometimes it seems forced. I never want to force something I enjoy so much. But a lot has happened lately.

First of all I've been accepted to Bethel University's Masters in Counseling Psychology. I actually got into graduate school! Holy cow! I mean I know a lot of people were not surprised, that of course I would get into graduate school. But if I was really honest, I was a bit skeptical and I kept seeing that old pedestal being placed before me. Lord forgive me should I ever step up on that darn pedestal! My place in society is among people, among ordinary people who have strengths and weaknesses, who have the incredible capabilities to do incredible good and accidental evils and unexpectedly fall into pitfalls. And I will shout it to the rooftops that I have fallen, I have sinned, I have done some things I am INCREDIBLY ashamed of. But by God's grace and incredible love, my sins are forgiven and I've been set free from the bondage that sin keeps me in. His love, His sacrifice, His incredible mercy and grace have undone me...all of me. I have been before Him, covered in shame, remorse, self-hatred, and regrets, and the King of Kings, God Almighty embraced ALL of me in ALL of His holiness and righteousness.

I think back over all that has transpired since last June and I'm honestly surprised at how well I handled the last 9 months! Here's kind of the short list of what happened:

Sozo prayer (June), counseling start (Monday after Sozo), October 3 - confession day, Oct 5 - find out lost 13lbs and begin joy ride, October 14 - Worship event, October 20 - decide to start pursuing Counseling Psych, October 25th - start going to Grace (down 22lbs), following Wed - start Women's Bible Study, November 29 - got schmoozed by man at mall, crazy holiday season where a lot happened, Jan 12 - GRE, Jan 29 - start leading small group, Feb 16 - started children's ministry at Grace, March 1 - Admission deadline, March 19 - received acceptance letter.

And let me tell you, in between each of those commas was days and nights, minutes and hours of intense internal working, intense processing, intense moments of faith, learning to trust people all over again, learning how to trust men again, and finding out I have been so blessed to have soooooo many incredible people in my life. I. AM. CHERISHED.

Why am I so loved?!

To know that from the moment I said with a bunch of fear and trepidation "OK, God" to changing career courses God began surrounding me with community like I've never seen before. Some of them were ones I already had in my life who suddenly stepped into a more intensive, more personal and closer role than they had before, some of them were ones I already felt close to but I needed to take that risk of accepting their love and support. Not because I thought I could do life independently but because the risk of that level of vulnerability was very scary for someone who had been close to others before who walked out on me. And part of me was scared to let others in to knowing me because I was so deeply stuck in self-hatred - honestly some days are still hard for me but it is much improved.

I learned since that moment that I said "OK, God" what it meant to set my face like flint, to fix my faith and my whole focus on God. To trust that the people He has placed in my life are there for a reason and I need to be open and take their support. To listen to those in my community, to learn from them, to see them in the fullness of who they really are and learn to love them still. And what I found in the midst of that was that I was SURROUNDED by incredible, rich treasures in people and relationships. I suddenly understood God's heart and I saw the beauty of what community can be. It was not perfect, it still is not perfect, but it is beautiful. There were so many times I wanted to give into fear, that I wanted to listen to the voices of those around me who sometimes reacted in fear for me. I learned to not seek for approval in these changes, learned to just focus on God's leading and what I ended up receiving inadvertently was support and incredible encouragement. Not one person I came across spoke negatively about my decision! In fact they spoke faith to me at times when I wanted to crawl under the covers.

And when I decided to switch churches, I was afraid of what my first church family would say, afraid of the risks and vulnerability it would take to start someplace new. But what I ended up finding was love and blessing from my first church family and a my new church family not only offering me a place in the community to be myself and utilize my gifting(s), but also my new church family showed incredible delight and enjoyment in me when I was real and authentic. I. AM. CHERISHED.

The lessons, the community, the relationships, the interactions, the events that transpired, the conversations, all have blown my mind. This has been an intense, crazy and really fun season in my life. And yet the one thing I can't seem to wrap my mind around is why I've suddenly been surrounded by so much love. Not that I didn't have love before. But this has been incredible! I think part of this was that I couldn't see it before because, like I said before, I was stuck in self-hatred and self-pity. All I could see was how horrible and weird I am. But with every encouragement, every look that someone gave me that spoke "You're really great!", every hug, every positive word of encouragement, every conversation ministered to my heart. And having the God of the Universe in all of His glory, splendor, holiness and righteousness embrace all of me...UNDID me completely. I began to see myself through eyes of grace and love, I began to see that the things about me I hated - where I was most broken - were broken because I had tried to fill the depths of their existence with things other than God. To look at my body and all the labels my physical body, for example, held - obese, ugly, fat, pathetic, indulgent, lazy, etc. - and realize "Oh my gosh, my physical body has a deep place of longing for intimacy and connection with God. And I've filled it with other things. Wow, that's kind of amazing and beautiful!" I learned to see myself in a whole new way and I was able to see beyond the brokenness and to see that I really was fearfully and wonderfully made. I learned just how much I was made for intimacy with God! It's incredibly beautiful!!

But I pray you see my heart behind sharing all of this. First of all to give glory to God! But also to show someone out there what can happen when you take a risk on God. When you obey to those gentle nudges even when the path ahead isn't clear and it doesn't make sense and it risks everything you ever held on to to direct and help navigate your life with. Because when you're in that position where God is in control INCREDIBLE things happen. I pray with my whole heart that this will give someone out there the courage to face those places of shame in their life and to dare to believe that God not only loves you but also likes you and enjoys you and DELIGHTS in you (Zeph 3:17). And he is your ever present help in times of trouble, your strong-tower. To place your hope that life could be different because of God's incredible love - a love that, seriously, goes beyond comprehension.

It is something beautiful!!