It's Here! Graduation and Personal Thank Yous

Tomorrow I graduate.

It's surreal that graduation is finally here; it just feels like the end of another term and I'll start up classes again in 6 weeks. Nope, this is the end. Time to hop off this ride and step into a new journey of life. As I'm sitting here texting my closest cohort members "Ahh we graduate tomorrow!!!"

I've been sitting here the last week pondering the journey I've been on these last three years. A journey that began with completely changing directions and stepping into the unknown. This wasn't part of the plan.

Tomorrow could have been my Doctorate graduation. I was going to do medical missions and change the world. Maybe even cure AIDS in Africa. I had (and still have) a dream of starting an orphanage and bringing hope and love to the nations. Tomorrow is my Masters graduation. Although I don't have as clear of a plan, part of that is purposeful because I've learned that God doesn't always do things according to our plans, if ever. The more I try to plan the more frustration I enter into so to save myself the frustration I just learn to trust instead.

This journey has really been a journey of dialectics. It has been a journey of a thousand tears and a thousand smiles and laughs. A journey of anger and of redemption. A journey of brokenness and of healing. A journey of old and new. A journey unlike anything I ever could have planned.

It started with a whoosh - within 2 months I started my first ever full time job, moved into my first apartment, and started grad school. WAY too much transition within a short period of time. I suffered a major breakdown that eventually almost led me to quit my life all together, but what ended up happening was a deeply painful fall out with my best friend, and after 9 months of a difficult job taking provider calls for 8 hours a day I put in my two weeks notice with no back up job. It was during this season that God brought several new friends into my life who have become my confidants and community throughout the last three years. And were the ones to help me move three times in less than a year - woohoo!

After my freak out came a long season of anger and confusion. While I worked to recover from feeling like I was just beaten to a pulp I began to study about being an incarnational example of Christ in my line of work. I started working with children as an in-home skills worker and found so much joy and calling doing this line of work. Difficult but immensely rewarding (hey another dialectic). I studied the human mind, about culture, microskills, the intersection of psychology and theology, and I found there was nothing quite like actually walking it out to give my life joy.

It was also during this time that God began to heal me of my PTSD. Although my story is deeply personal and not many actually know what happened, I found God slowly beginning to break away the walls I had built up and chisel away at my rough edges and odd behaviors. Nothing like being called to minister to others to know you needed your own ministry. I grew close to several wonderful friends and even thought I had fallen in love at one point. Starting EMDR on top of my normal weekly counseling sessions was one of the most rewarding experiences I have ever walked through.

Every week God and I met in the garden, where lies and fears were faced, I grew more aware of my own body and the beauty found within. I discovered myself...well more my selves and learned to listen to what they were speaking to me, and slowly over time I began to become more and more free.

When the burglary hit I think everyone else held their breath. They all knew me and my tendencies to freak out. I was surprised to find peace (minus the first day, the first day I didn't function well at all). God met me and held me and spoke love and peace over me in exactly the moment I needed him the most. This incredibly scary situation has left me doing some odd things to protect my property, but I never lost the love for my home that I had when I first moved in. And was given so much insight into God's heart even for the burglars.

A lot of these last three years have included on/off seasons of intense anger and confusion - anger at myself, God, others, and being deeply afraid of people leaving me. I clung to my anger and brought everyone else into it to help solve my anger issues. At some point I finally decided that I really needed to forgive. This forgiveness was followed by peace, followed very quickly by stepping into my first relationship.

It feels like we've been dating forever but it's not even officially been 5 months yet. Things moved very quickly and suddenly I found all the free time I used to have was gone, and all the loneliness was gone as well. As well as my fear of men, my body image concerns, and all my confusion about particular passages of Scripture was even gone. There was something certain and confident that arose up in me and I became more assertive and sure of where I stand on things. There was a whole new role I took on, and a new side of me came out. Part of me was like "FINALLY!" and led me to throwing myself into this relationship maybe a bit faster than I should have. It has been a wonderful ride!

Practicum and the CAPSTONE paper...let's just say it was much easier than I thought it should have been. Hearing other people's stories about their journey with this makes me feel like I got off easy, slightly making me ponder if I might have done something wrong but everything passed with flying colors.

This journey has been nothing like I planned. Yet I wouldn't trade it for the world! I am not the same person who began this program three years ago. This program and the life that happened during that time taught me so much about myself, others and God and how to walk with joy and thankfulness in every season. When I walk, I will be walking holding all of this in my heart. Pondering the tears and joys, anger and peace, confusion and assurance, intensity and calmness, brokenness and healing, mistakes and redemption. All of this walks with me as I go across that stage. And when the mantle of my hood is placed upon my shoulders, I will remember that Christ has experienced all of this with me. The streaks and pictures painted upon my canvas were really painted on His canvas as well.

In all of this I do have a few people I want to personally thank:
*   Mom and Dad: I would not be at this point in my journey without you two. Two of my most true rocks and the glue that worked to keep me going. I never feel like I can adequately thank you two for all of that you have done for me. This is your celebration as much as it is mine! I love you two so much!!

*   Chris: Chris, you were the one who encouraged me to pursue this path for my life. Your example, peace, patience, humor, kindness and your steady presence supported me week after week after week through all of this! Working with both me and God to help me keep taking steps forward towards my future and having your office be my place of safety and refuge. My place of healing. I think you are the one who knows the best what I've walked through these last three years because you sat with me in my pain and stress and showed me what it meant to be valued in a very personal way! Thank you!

*   Jenny: Sweet Jenny! Oh my goodness what do I say to the bestest friend this girl could have! It has been quite a journey between us two - you into motherhood and me into more school and yet we worked to stay close. You are a diamond in my life! We may not talk as much as we used to or even see each other as much, but you have been such a sweet friend and a wonderful support through all of this!

*Brooke, Katie, Casandra, Megan, and Amber: You ladies all deserve a lot of credit for putting up with me these last few years, and loving me immensely.  For constantly bringing me back to God and pointing me to Scripture. For crying with me and being the ones to listen to (and even experience) my anger and frustration. You all have been such a gift to me!! Thank you!!

*Women's Bible Study: Ladies, you all mean so much to me!!! I couldn't have made it without your love and support all these years. Praying for me, feeding me, sending me Scriptures or pictures to cheer me up! I have been so blessed by you all and I can't thank you all enough!!!

*   My roommates (Brooke, Laurie, and Grace): Thank you for all the grace and mercy you have shown me over these last few years! I was almost a constant mess and very stressed yet you all kept giving me smiles and hugs, and all the late night talks! You are the best!!

* Ryan: Last but not least...You came into this journey with me right at the tail end and chose to sacrifice your time and energy and desires for our relationship right as it was starting to let me have the time, energy and space to be able to finish this marathon. You loved and encouraged me, bought me flowers, held me when I cried, comforted me and helped banish my fears all while facing your own stuff and trying to make a future for the both of us. I love you so much Sweetie! Thank you!!

Ultimately, I give all the glory to God. This has all been for Him and I pray will be used by Him to bless others and to bless my life. All praise, honor, glory, power and dominion belong to You alone!

Thank you!!!