Cracks in the Veil: When Your Brokenness Shows Too Much

For the last several weeks my exhaustion and stress has fed on my mind and emotions more than what I'm comfortable with. I started having a sense that I was losing control, my anxiety spiked, and everywhere I looked I was in panic mode. Coupled with the lack of emotional support and the lack of quality people time and it's a recipe for a slip in the psyche, a boiling over of the emotions and a collapse of the body. One more stressor and I felt I was done-for. Having a mental illness adds a certain level of stress onto everyday to the point where you're "normal" is much higher than everyone else's. What was added to this was the silence in response to my cries for help. It wasn't like I was bad enough to be hospitalized but I was bad enough that I shouldn't be alone. The thoughts started pouring in, thoughts of rejection, feeling abandoned, feeling used, feeling like no one really cared about me. It was a breeding ground for Satan to slip a few thoughts in there and they spread like weeds. And my slipped psyche didn't have the capacity to deal with it well. Especially alone.

I prayed and cried out to God. I meditated on Scripture and claimed it over my life, my body, my mind, my emotions and my environment. I asked for help. I tried my hardest to focus enough to figure out what to do. I wanted to run. Literally. I wanted to pack up the car, drive to another state, change my name and all of my history and have a complete do-over and maybe, just maybe this time I can have the community I am looking for. Maybe then people can understand me. Maybe then I can finally find a place in this world where I can be loved and fit in. All the while continuing to pour into these young children who have real desperate needs in their life. All the while hearing them complain and complain and yell at me as if I was the one who abused them. As if I was the one that marked their souls. All the while sitting in that pain with them, wondering how much of my own pain am I really able to handle on top of theirs?

Then another wave of anxiety came. I knew I wasn't safe and I really shouldn't be alone. I really needed people in that moment. I cried out to God with all of my being, asking Him for someway that this can work out. What I got from some of those I cared about was "Stop depending on people so much. You need to depend on God more."

I share this because I think so many people walk through experiences like this - this hidden struggle with mental illness. This hidden struggle wondering who you are with this illness...this hidden struggle with faith in the midst of dealing with some form of mental illness. And people don't understand. A lot of people judge. I've been around church communities even who describe mental illness as a result of sin or possibly a Satanic attack...we demonize mental illness or any sickness really and surround it with a lot of shame. It's bad, it needs to go away...and then it morphs into a description of who that person is - "If your faith was stronger, you wouldn't struggle with ____" "If you just prayed more or believed more God would heal you from ____."

When in reality it's just another factor of the brokenness of the world around us.

Just because it shows a little more than the brokenness of other people doesn't mean that you or I are any less. That's something I've personally struggled with my whole life, the message of I am "not enough" and I know I'm not alone. I think many of us who secretly struggle with these sorts of issues can really get hard on ourselves. We have a whole slew of feelings about letting this side of us show. We feel shame for letting our brokenness show. We feel embarrassed or angry or anxious. We want it to go away. We feel that it hinders us from being effective followers of Christ. And maybe some of us feel that if other people knew, if we were authentic and vulnerable that we would find ourselves even more alone. So we get desperate and do whatever to try to control it.

When in reality that's not what God has for us.

There was once a time in my life where God really redefined the meaning of "sin" for me. Growing up I believed that sin was a shame thing. I heard from several adults in my life this "Shame on you for ___" message - shame for making a mistake, shame for not being perfect, shame for not knowing what I was doing because I was young, shame for embarrassing me, shame for ____. It was a cycle of control that I'm still struggling to get out of. But that was my definition sin = shame. It wasn't until I came across a book by Brennan Manning called Abba's Child where God redefined sin as this:

Sin is what keeps you from walking in the complete freedom and joy that I have given you. Sin is what keeps you from Me.

God wanted the sin out of my life not because it was bad and therefore I was bad, but He wanted it gone so that I could be free, so I could enjoy the gift He had given to me.

And by constantly bringing this part of me before the Lord, this part that is sinning, He would pour His love over that piece of me and slowly over time it would become smaller and smaller and quieter and quieter. And I would be more aware of God's presence and would be satisfied and at peace in my life because I knew His love. That side of me is never going to go away this side of heaven, it just wont. But what will happen is it will stop ruling my life so much because I know the Voice of Love. I know I am His Beloved. I know that He wont leave because of my sin or mistake or brokenness. He just wants me to let Him love me. He just wants you to let Him love you. And He wants you to know that even if this problem never goes away He has a plan and a purpose and a hope in the midst of it.

Let me tell you, there have been so many times I have found my depression to be a real gift. Ponder that for a little bit. :)

If you're really struggling at this point in your life, whether that's a mental illness or a sickness or a financial struggle or a struggle with your faith. Whatever it is, I want you to know that it's OK to not be OK. I want you to know there are safe people and safe places where you can go and find love and acceptance. When your brokenness shows too much it's not because you are any less than if that brokenness wasn't there; it's just a byproduct of this fallen world. And when your brokenness shows too much that's when you need more love and more acceptance. When you need someone to speak life to your soul.

Because you are worth it.

If you are reading this and need some prayer or further help please feel free to contact me. The comments you leave on here I get to determine whether I will make it public or not, so you can know that it will remain confidential if you say you want it to.

Blessings!