Waiting and Trusting

The family is out on vacation this weekend to the North Rim of the Grand Canyon and I'm home alone with the pets. Oh it has been lonely, I don't like being alone - especially when I accidentally lock myself out. Yesterday morning I decided to sweep and when I took the rugs out the back to shake them I closed the door and it locked. I was in my pjs and I had no cell phone on me. I looked under every rock, potted plant, and outside mat for a spare key but I think I have the spare key - inside. 45 minutes later a neighbor sees me sitting by the front door and goes to get security who lets me into the house (there was more than just simply they let me in). But I wasted the day yesterday after that - I watched movies and the Olympics and attempted to read my study books for the fall but gave up because I didn't want to do it. My evening however I decided to spend some time in worship. So I was back outside, singing, as I tossed the dog's ball around. As I'm sitting here this morning having my own quiet time instead of going to church - I don't really know how to get to the churches around here except the Baptist one but that church I don't want to go back to - I started having this disappointed feeling that I haven't been able to really introduce Jesus to someone. I've shared about my faith over and over with people, I've talked about how Christianity is a relationship and not a religion, but people don't want to really listen and I don't know what to do. I feel so ill-equipped for this calling to be here - the words just don't come easily for me. But I know that I can't let this tear me down - I need to use it to build me up and lean on God to help me do this. It is only the Holy Spirit that can change lives, but I gotta keep sharing, I gotta keep loving people I can't give up. This morning as I was thinking about being locked out yesterday it dawned on me there was a hidden message behind that experience - it was like God was showing me that I keep locking myself out from the hearts of those who need to know Jesus because I'm afraid of being left alone, of being rejected. But I gotta let myself in because I know Jesus loves these people, I know that He died for them as well and I know that if I don't at least try to share Jesus and let the Holy Spirit do the rest that I will probably have wasted this trip to serve the Navajo people. Keep praying for me friends. It is so hard to deal with all this religious spirit without having other believers around me to help me walk through certain things. But I think it is time that I no longer expect to have my hand held, I need to be courageous and bold in order to grow into the woman God has called me to be. I just hate being alone, but I know I'm not truly alone and I gotta be OK with that, that i gotta be OK following Jesus and His call on my life even if it means no one else goes with me.

Let the Work Begin

So there's been a lot of things happening and I haven't had time to post anything on here in a while. So here I go, a recap of the last few days. On Thursday morning I was able to get my HIPPA paperwork filled out which meant I could begin looking at patient data but I couldn't work on anything until I had my computer access code which didn't come until late Friday. I spent the rest of the day Thursday at the sand art therapy when my dear friend Betty asked me over to her house some weekday for dinner and to hang out. I couldn't believe my ears! And what an opportunity to build a connection to this community. My day was made! So on Friday I spent the whole entire day (830a-5pm) shadowing around Dr. Meade at the clinic, got to witness 2 acupunctures in the Hoagon (the ceremonial building almost every family has here). Apparently when you walk into a Hoagon you're supposed to walk in clock-wise to keep the energy flowing. As the hours drew by I witnessed how incredibly difficult of a job this is. When patients come into the clinic in excruciating pain and you're supposed to help them not be in pain but they don't want to do PT or acupuncture, all they want is the meds. The lines get blurry right there, because you want to treat the cause of the pain but when the patient doesn't want to treat the cause then that's where medicine becomes really sticky. I learned a lot and got to witness a doctor's care from the fly on the wall position instead of the patient's position - that job is so so hard. On Saturday Pamela and the kids and I drove 2.5 hours north to Lake Powell, to swim at this beautiful beach just on the inside border of Utah - yey, I can cross that off my list! We had so much fun and I got to take the kids deeper into the water where they got to practice their swimming while I assisted. It was so much fun. And we built a sand castle - I loved that sand there, you could build almost anything with it when it was dry! And even though I piled on the sunscreen - almost every half hour, I still got fried (although I don't hurt). We had a blast and Pamela and I had some good conversations on the way back. Sunday we went to this Baptist church in town. I was so excited to fellowship with other believers but it was rather disappointing. They had a holier than thou mindset and kept bashing other churches because they wouldn't preach about heaven and hell - which I know needs to be mentioned in church just to keep us in perspective. But they missed seeing the Bible from the perspective of grace and just exactly what Jesus did on the cross. God's wrath has been appeased, and He sees us through the blood of His Son, which means He sees us as pure, righteous and He asks us to let that purity and righteousness come forth into our lives - letting our being become our doing instead of our doing becoming our being. When we got back I spent the rest of the afternoon napping. Then today I spent the whole day doing paperwork. In order to begin my project I have to go through this 2 foot pile of papers that I have to place the answers into a survey monkey survey and then I can proceed. I didn't nearly get as far as I wanted but I did get a couple hundred done today. Yey! This morning I discovered what a Jerusalem cricket is as I came face to face with one. Yuck! But all in all it was a good day! Tomorrow I get to help out with a wellness day at the clinic - so I should really get to bed. Keep praying for me. It has been hard to share Christ with people in this community (but oh they are such precious people) just because there are so many different religions here. And it seems that everyone has argued with everyone about which religion is the best for too long and so now if you bring up Christ with an LDS or a Navajo spiritualism person they will smile, nod their head and go on their merry way. I need to surrender my desire to lead people to Christ to God because it's the Holy Spirit's work not mine that will do it.I just need to keep on being the evidence of Christ's presence in this community and pray that someone will want to know what makes me so different. Goodnight beloved!!!

Sand Art Therapy

Well, to start off, my body has no idea what time it is. Here on the reservation there's daylight savings but elsewhere in Arizona there is no daylight savings. So here I was sitting in my room, actually E's room, thinking I had a whole hour before I needed to be up. So I put on my iPod and listened to Francesca Battistelli's "Beautiful, Beautiful," and as tears were running down my face I get this soft knock on my door - find out it's really past the time I was supposed to be up and I had like 15 minutes to get ready! We get to the kid's school where I spent most of today. I had no idea what to do right at the beginning so I decided to introduce myself to a couple people. We picked up conversation, and I got busy on my sand art tray as well as a puppet. I had gone in thinking this was an actual therapy session but what it was is a training session for staff from the school, counselor, and dorm to understand some ways to reach the youth and younger of this community when they have problems that arise. My heart just broke at the things I heard - so much like the inner city school kids' problems but different because this involved spiritual aspects, such as superstition. It was a definite learning curve and I walked away with some really good ideas. I met some pretty great people who were all so incredibly gracious to me especially when my body language became offensive to them. Never ever point your finger!! And apparently hands on hips means you're mad...oops! Oh cultural understanding is surely coming slowly!! I was so blessed when they asked after my well-being concerning that the host family I'm staying with is vegetarian. This lady, Betty, was so funny! She looks at me with this concerned look (let me tell you, the expressions are really played down here, except when they're laughing)and says to me "You know the Meades are vegetarian." "Yes" I say. "Oh...are you going to have to eat vegetarian too?" She says as she gives me this look that seemed to ask if I would make it for a whole month in a vegetarian household. So I explained that I can eat anything I want :) On the way home today Pamela showed me some more of Pinon, we went to the only grocery store in the town (they have a Subway here!!!!!). She took me to the post office and then showed me the community center. While we were driving I spotted a cross on the top of a church! Pamela then told me that there's a Mormon church, a Baptist church, and a Catholic church all in town! My heart leaped inside of me! She said any time I wanted to go to church I just need to ask and she'll either come with me or let me take the car! Oh happy day!!! (In case you're wondering I'll go to the Baptist church). Had some fun playing with the kids today and had a delicious vegetarian dinner of crab rolls (they're like enchiladas except for with crab meat and cream of chicken). Oh they're so delicious!! I'm getting into a good habit of praying in the spirit constantly and God has given me so much favor to be able to interact well with the people here. I have already fallen in love with them and am beginning to wonder if I could really leave them and not come back some time later. When the people heard I want to be a PA they asked me to come back. Even though my body is tired I have found so much peace and so much happiness and joy while here. I'll try to take some pictures tomorrow as I'm out and about! Blessings beloved!!!

On the Reservation

So I'm here! My first day of my adventure is coming to an end as I'm heading to bed really early. My day started off by flying out of MN around 715a - sat next to a man who looked exactly like a younger, shorter version of Vin Diesel, and he told me his name is Vince. We got to talking at the end of the flight because both of us snoozed on most of the flight. He told me about his kids and his job as a medical secretary. When we landed in Phoenix (45 min early!) I decided to get some breakfast and Vince ended up joining me - we talked about medicine and our woes about the new health care system. The flight to Flagstaff was interesting - there were only like 10 of us on this really little plane, so we each got our own rows (if we chose) and the flight was pretty uneventful minus the turbulence which seemed to be magnified by the tiny size of the plane. Pamela and the kids greeted me as soon as I walked off the tarmac (yes, we walked off the plane onto the tarmac). The next few hours were a whirl-wind as we went to appointments and errands in Flagstaff. The kids were so enthusiastic and both of them I believe have it in their heads that I'm their best friend; it's going to be a fun next couple of weeks with these sweet little munchkins. Did I tell you the little girl, I'll call her E, decided that she wanted to give me her room while I'm here instead of me sleeping in the office? What a sweetie! After Flagstaff we drove and drove and drove and drove. It felt like forever! Pamela told me all about the sacred mountains we passed, and "I" (that's the little boy) would teach me how to say certain words. I'm still working on remembering all of them. We took a detour on our long drive and went to the Hoppi reservation where we could see Mesa 1, Mesa 2 and Mesa 3 - all these little villages built into the side of the mesa, all the houses built our of rocks and piled one on top of the other. I felt like I was going back in time, but I guess there is a big difference between America and America on the reservation. The people had such run down houses, and the Hoppi almost looked like the Mexicans - I wonder if some might be part Spanish. Onto the reservation at Pinon (after the really worn out dirt road) it was a totally different sight to behold. The houses were so spread out! Pamela explained the level of superstition the Navajo people have and I wonder what God wants me to do about that. My heart is to see just a few people's hearts healed and believe in Jesus. I have yet to see a church in Pinon. Apparently, the only people who have water are those who live in the little community of houses right behind the clinic or those who can afford to pay a pretty penny. It is a very remote place I'm in, and hopefully tomorrow, in better light I'll be able to see things more clearly. As for now, I'm headed to bed, praying the quiet doesn't disturb me all night. I get to go to a therapy session tomorrow where we will be doing sand art! Fun! Good night friends!

So Long Humidity!

Well it's a short little bit until I'm going to head to bed (hopefully no later than 8pm) because I got to get up at 330am. My heart is full of contentment and peace right now as I prepare to step out into the unknown for the next month. Although I'm going to Pinon, Arizona for my senior research project I'm really going on a secret missions trip. Just me and Jesus. I know nothing about the spiritual environment I'm going into and I'm not sure if my host family is very aware of it themselves either. I have no idea what hurt and desperation I'm going into...I have no idea what will be required of me to do this volunteering. But I have determined in my heart that I'm going to Pinon to serve. Over and over in church I have heard how the Native Americans have the top 50 diseases, how suicide and drunkenness are increasing, and just the desperation within the reservations. Today in Church we had a message about those who continue in the Word are Jesus' disciples, and it is this Word of Truth that will set us free. I was incredibly blessed when the church body covered me in prayer. A word came forward that this trip is coming at the right time, how God is going to move in power through me loving the Navajo people, how I need to step out in boldness and that I will begin to see the things I've cried out for in intercession coming into fruition. The Lord is my sustenance and in His presence is the fullness of joy. I've got the presence of Jesus inside of me (and so do you) and so wherever I go, so will Jesus. A word was also spoken that just as my last missions trip had such a powerful testimony that that would only be a nugget compared to the outcome of this trip. This is God's trip and He's asked me to be His instrument. And I believe what was spoken today that God is going to bless the work of my hands. It's a healing business. So OK God, my gaze is fixed on You. I only seek to bring you glory and praise through my service.

Surrendering Loneliness to the Lord

This last weekend I witnessed the marriage of one of my dearest and closest friend. It was beautiful and perfect - the bride was radiant and I got to be one of her 8 bridesmaids. I have been impressed with the level of purity and respect in her relationship with her new husband over the last 3 years, and have found myself desiring to date very similarly. But it's caused me to think lately over the condition of the relationships in my life. This last year I had to walk a long and painful road alone. I had to do it out of duty to the law and fear of what might happen to my family and possibly even my friends. I never knew fear like I did this last year, and I never knew loneliness like I did this last year. I no longer anxiously need people. When I get people in my life I enjoy it but I've come to not expect it. Mom told me the other day that because of who I am I may never have a best friend here on earth. Maybe I'll marry - oh God knows how much I would love to be married and have a family. But I need to be content in God and OK that He may be calling me to a life that is very much alone. I almost see myself becoming like Harriet Tubman in that sense. Who knows. What I do know is that until I learn to surrender these lonely feelings to the Lord - these feelings of not being known and not being able to know someone else at an intimate and true level - I will never walk in the joy of the Lord. I feel God calling me into battle, carrying a mantle of leadership to point people to God's truth, and to continue to show them God's good plan when morals and society around us is pulling us to more of the ways of the world and ways of the flesh. I am not done with steering the leadership away from destruction. What is coming is not something to be taken lightly and I cannot sit back and not hold those people in authority over me and in leadership positions over me in accountability to Christ's standard. For when the day of destruction comes I want to know that I have done all I can do to keep as many people from wavering in their faith and holding fast to God and being blameless in His sight. "Though none go with me still I will follow...no turning back, no turning back." As the old hymn goes. I crave to know Jesus more and to follow after His plan for my life, and if that means that I'm to walk upon this earth alone then so be it. But I pray that in the mean time God to take more and more control over these feelings of loneliness.