Beauty Beyond the Mirror: Identity

I stand there, starring at my phone. The tears threatening, my hands shaking as I read the message. How can she be saying this to me? I thought she knew me, I thought she accepted me. Why is this happening to me? I feel everything within me crumble to the floor at the painful words; rejected once again.

I walk down the hallway; someone shouts something my way and I don't fully understand what they're saying but I get the idea. The teasing laughter is the final blow. I feel the tightening in my stomach as a flood of emotion sweeps over me - I am worthless, I'm a reject, who I am is not good enough.

I run to the bathroom. Another mistake. Lord, will I ever get it right? Will I ever meet the expectations and standards that are placed before me? Who am I if I can't do even these things? Everyone else can do it, why can't I keep up? Why can't I handle it all?

I stand before the mirror, playing back the tapes once again that run through my head of all the voices that have defined who I am. These pimples, will they ever go away? My hair, why does it have to be so frizzy? I don't dare look at the fat rolls today - it's too much. Too painful. The weight of the labels weigh heavy on my shoulder and pierce deeply into my soul. It's too much. Too painful. Are they really true? Is this really who I am?

"You are My Daughter! You are My child!" says the voice that breaks through the thick darkness.
The tension that wages in my soul is real - stay trapped under the labels that have been placed on me, that reflect an image that seem to be real. Or hold to what God says of me.

I dare to listen to God.

Peering into the mirror again I grow bold. I look with everything I have and allow myself to believe the goodness of His message to me and the beauty of His Word. And then my perspective changes. I see the courage, the perseverance, I see the arms where many a young child can be found. I see the warrior, I see the beauty of the relationship with God, and I see the glimpse of my Father there in my face. There in my body. I see the way even my body longs for connection with God, and I've mistaken it with food or other things. "You enrapture my heart my darling," "how beautiful you are my precious Diamond!"

He rejoices over me with singing! (Zeph 3:17). His banner over me is love (Song of Solomon 2:4).

And yet the tapes run on. Today is a good day - I'm able to hear clearly the voice of my Father and hold to it over falling into despair because of the labels. And as I stand before the mirror what do I see? I see God's redemptive story unfolding. And it's beautiful - messy and sometimes chaotic but beautiful none-the-less. "You are my child!"

What courage and boldness, what peace and assurance that one statement places within my life. Go ahead stare, peek, gaze into the reflection of Christ on earth. Imperfect, yes - by a long shot. But purposeless? Worthless? Rejected? No. Stare, look again at my reflection. There I see it, I see a glimpse!

We have been made rich through the identity God has placed on us His sons and daughters. We have been given authority and His inheritance; meaning we can squash those little devils under our feet as they try to creep into our lives and discourage us and move us away from our relationship with God. Who we are is grounded in what Christ did for us. The question is, now that you've accepted His gift of salvation, do you accept His love? Do you see that your flaws, your sins, and your mistakes, your imperfections, and your lack of living up to "the standards" is no longer you because you have been given His righteousness? You being filled with Christ are beautiful because Christ is beautiful. Who the mirror says you are is not the real you because the real you cannot be found in a mirror, it is found in Christ. Your identity is in Christ, and the more you grow closer to Him the more you become like Him. And the more you become like Him the more beautiful you get. It really is the most amazing beauty secret in the world, and it's free to get, but it requires us to give up everything in order to gain all of Christ.

Maybe you need to look into the mirror today and really assess what beauty is. Because God is beautiful, beauty is an everlasting quality - never changing, always present. With that in mind look in the mirror again. Do you dare to see what God says about you? The first step is to just see, the second to accept. Remember, the mirror only reflects the shell. But with a new perspective, the mirror can reflect depth and dimensions you didn't see at first. It can reflect His redemptive story in your life. That is beautiful.

Is There A Purpose in This: Beauty Beyond the Mirror

The apartment is quiet, just me and my thoughts. I have to be out the door in the next 20 minutes but for now I pause, breathe, and peer into the myriad of thoughts and emotions just waiting to be processed. I go to the mirror and peer at the reflection staring back. I like my hair today, I feel like I did a good job with my make-up and the clothes I have on make me feel comfortable and relaxed. But underneath it all I know I'm just hiding behind it all. This struggle between wanting and being terrified of that very thing I want. Do I dare try being feminine? Is it safe today for that? These clothes definitely hide a lot. Would I be beautiful without all of it? In spite of all of it?

Peering at my reflection takes courage. That's beautiful.

Slowly I remove the layers. Honestly, at my size, this is quite the draining effort. You see the red marks from the clothing holding things in a bit too tightly. But at least I looked good. Everything itches with relief as the layers come off, as everything falls away. I watch my entire life story flash before my eyes with each effort. The pain, the brokenness, the struggle to handle and carry that pain. "You're a tub of lard!" They used to say to me. They call me "Milkshake" now. The years of over-eating, eating the wrong thing, the depression that slows me down and places me on the couch. The low points - the nights I swore I wouldn't eat another thing for the rest of my life; the days I worked to pinch pennies to save for a surgery I know I will never be able to get just to make me feel better about myself.  It's all right there in my reflection.

And yet God says I'm beautiful. All of me is beautiful. "You're beautiful my Darling!"

I stare at my reflection. The tears threatening. Am I beautiful? I look again, my entire life story flashes before my eyes. But with it comes the longing to be seen by someone as beautiful. Maybe if I lost it all then someone would see me as beautiful. Someone would want me romantically, would find me attractive. But the reality is, I may never get that chance. For me, it's scary to lose this weight. It's my shield against the evil and corrupt in this world that I have only tasted in my short 24 years. Again my entire life story flashes before my eyes. To be seen as attractive is very scary for me.

But men are fickle. I will never meet the definition of a "beautiful woman"...I will never live up to the standard that most men look for in a spouse. And honestly, having to meet that standard, that definition makes me feel less than human...less than valued...less than me.

Maybe it takes a redefinition. And it definitely starts with me first. But I do just long, and some days grow very impatient, for a man to look at me and say I'm beautiful. To look at me in all my vulnerability and say I'm beautiful. But I do want to challenge the men out there to redefine the beauty of women, to see the lumps and fat rolls as "fearfully and wonderfully made." And to marvel in the beauty of that. To understand and comprehend that our weight really is something outside of our control. There are definitely things we can do to help, but it's not something we can really control. And often, there's been a story behind that weight - one of courage and perseverance in the face of set-backs, challenges, heartbreak in this corrupt world. One of a heart of incredible beauty that has faced and overcome more than any person ever should in a lifetime. Don't make us have to be a certain size before you speak value and acceptance to us.

We all need to expand our horizons, expand our perspectives, expand our definitions. Women, I want you to feel beautiful, to know you you are beautiful no matter your size. To look at your body and realize that it is a tool made for connection, made to be valued and you don't need a man in order define that. And if you have a man, make sure he values you no matter your size. Men, learn to live from your heart. I know, I get it. Women are guilty too - it's hard not to be stirred when a good looking man comes into your radar. But I challenge you, see beyond the surface. Peer a little deeper, get curious, and pull from the depths of your soul the passion that I know is there. Don't cower in insecurity. Don't give into the pressure for image and needing to feel that your wife has to look a certain way before you feel accepted and valued as a man by all of your bros. Romance and love is about connection not just attraction. And there are plenty of beautiful women out there size 20+ who I know you would be drawn to if you just noticed.

Men and women, re-examine your definition of beauty. Notice that we all fall short. Notice that we will never live up to the comparison that is found in the beauty of God. Notice the limited scope and be courageous enough to expand. Because honestly, the mirror only shows the shell.