Is There A Purpose in This: Beauty Beyond the Mirror

The apartment is quiet, just me and my thoughts. I have to be out the door in the next 20 minutes but for now I pause, breathe, and peer into the myriad of thoughts and emotions just waiting to be processed. I go to the mirror and peer at the reflection staring back. I like my hair today, I feel like I did a good job with my make-up and the clothes I have on make me feel comfortable and relaxed. But underneath it all I know I'm just hiding behind it all. This struggle between wanting and being terrified of that very thing I want. Do I dare try being feminine? Is it safe today for that? These clothes definitely hide a lot. Would I be beautiful without all of it? In spite of all of it?

Peering at my reflection takes courage. That's beautiful.

Slowly I remove the layers. Honestly, at my size, this is quite the draining effort. You see the red marks from the clothing holding things in a bit too tightly. But at least I looked good. Everything itches with relief as the layers come off, as everything falls away. I watch my entire life story flash before my eyes with each effort. The pain, the brokenness, the struggle to handle and carry that pain. "You're a tub of lard!" They used to say to me. They call me "Milkshake" now. The years of over-eating, eating the wrong thing, the depression that slows me down and places me on the couch. The low points - the nights I swore I wouldn't eat another thing for the rest of my life; the days I worked to pinch pennies to save for a surgery I know I will never be able to get just to make me feel better about myself.  It's all right there in my reflection.

And yet God says I'm beautiful. All of me is beautiful. "You're beautiful my Darling!"

I stare at my reflection. The tears threatening. Am I beautiful? I look again, my entire life story flashes before my eyes. But with it comes the longing to be seen by someone as beautiful. Maybe if I lost it all then someone would see me as beautiful. Someone would want me romantically, would find me attractive. But the reality is, I may never get that chance. For me, it's scary to lose this weight. It's my shield against the evil and corrupt in this world that I have only tasted in my short 24 years. Again my entire life story flashes before my eyes. To be seen as attractive is very scary for me.

But men are fickle. I will never meet the definition of a "beautiful woman"...I will never live up to the standard that most men look for in a spouse. And honestly, having to meet that standard, that definition makes me feel less than human...less than valued...less than me.

Maybe it takes a redefinition. And it definitely starts with me first. But I do just long, and some days grow very impatient, for a man to look at me and say I'm beautiful. To look at me in all my vulnerability and say I'm beautiful. But I do want to challenge the men out there to redefine the beauty of women, to see the lumps and fat rolls as "fearfully and wonderfully made." And to marvel in the beauty of that. To understand and comprehend that our weight really is something outside of our control. There are definitely things we can do to help, but it's not something we can really control. And often, there's been a story behind that weight - one of courage and perseverance in the face of set-backs, challenges, heartbreak in this corrupt world. One of a heart of incredible beauty that has faced and overcome more than any person ever should in a lifetime. Don't make us have to be a certain size before you speak value and acceptance to us.

We all need to expand our horizons, expand our perspectives, expand our definitions. Women, I want you to feel beautiful, to know you you are beautiful no matter your size. To look at your body and realize that it is a tool made for connection, made to be valued and you don't need a man in order define that. And if you have a man, make sure he values you no matter your size. Men, learn to live from your heart. I know, I get it. Women are guilty too - it's hard not to be stirred when a good looking man comes into your radar. But I challenge you, see beyond the surface. Peer a little deeper, get curious, and pull from the depths of your soul the passion that I know is there. Don't cower in insecurity. Don't give into the pressure for image and needing to feel that your wife has to look a certain way before you feel accepted and valued as a man by all of your bros. Romance and love is about connection not just attraction. And there are plenty of beautiful women out there size 20+ who I know you would be drawn to if you just noticed.

Men and women, re-examine your definition of beauty. Notice that we all fall short. Notice that we will never live up to the comparison that is found in the beauty of God. Notice the limited scope and be courageous enough to expand. Because honestly, the mirror only shows the shell.