Faith Bigger than Fear

Fear has been a common theme in my life. Fear of failure, fear of rejection, fear of not being good enough, fear of forgetting something, fear of being lost, fear of being stuck, fear of spiders, fear of spicy foods, fear of embarrassing myself, etc. My parents used to say when I was really little I wasn't afraid of anything. I would just walk off with people I thought were nice or I would dance in front of a crowd, or walk right into a pool before I knew how to swim. No fear, at least until I hurt someone...and until someone hurt me.

Then I learned to listen to fear to keep myself from hurting anyone else and to keep myself from being hurt. In the right context fear is very good and is a gift from God to us. Scripture even calls us to fear the Lord, not in a hide under your covers kind of fear but a deep deep awe of his magnificence and majesty and glory. Something inside us to tell us what is good for us and what is bad for us. Such as it is bad for us to turn from the Lord to do our own thing. Or to stick our finger on something that is too hot. It is meant for our good, and sometimes it keeps us from stepping into what God wants for our lives.

A little over a year ago I was just exiting a very painful season of my life. It was probably the sixth such season in just a few years and it seemed that the majority of my adult experience was consumed by pain. I remember holding onto faith during the difficult times, speaking truth to my fear and growing in some wonderful ways and when the season came to an end I grew numb. It took so much effort to walk through that difficult time, and now looking back I realize I had tried too hard to control my fear. I tried using my faith like a leash, tightly tied around fear's neck trying to keep it from running off or getting too far ahead. Wasn't that what I was told to do, to not fear?

In my psychology training I came across this concept about secrets, that if you try to resist thinking about a secret it will often keep popping into your head. The more we stuff it the more we struggle and the more it begins to consume us. The best advice is confession or asking yourself what this thing is trying to tell you. When I struggled with a severe bout of insomnia a few years ago I learned that the thoughts running through my head were there to help me remember the things I needed to get done. The only problem was they were getting in the way of my sleep. So I learned to catch the thoughts and tell each one "I know you're important and I need to deal with you, but this is sleepy time. I will put you in a drawer until sleepy time is over and then I will deal with you." I put my worries to bed every night until I somehow grew out of the insomnia.

In my own me and Jesus garden, I have a lake in there that is surrounded by rocks of various shapes and sizes, and on each rock is written a different fear of mine. Once in a while Jesus and I will go over each and every fear and He will tell me to hold each rock in my hand and speak the Father's love over each fear. Once in a while He will tell me to put the rock/fear in a drawer on the cross because we need to talk about this fear. And when the fear disappears or no longer hinders my life I'll toss it into the lake.

Acknowledging the fear, recognizing it, naming it and giving it a place to dwell until the fear is no longer needed has been a profoundly helpful technique for me. I often think of my faith as a blanket and I envision the thing I'm afraid of is like a baby that is crying out for comfort. It needs faith wrapped around it to feel safe and secure so it can sleep. Even if the fear is unreal or is irrational it still needs to be acknowledged and named. But instead of scolding it, the fear needs to be loved and listened to. Faith is the anchor in the storm, the fence that keep the cows in, the spigot on our faucet of emotions. Faith is that which gives us courage to move beyond and see deeper than our fear will let us. "Courage is not the absence of fear, but the knowledge that there's something greater than fear" ~ Princess Diaries.

The courage to believe that even though the bank account is empty that God will provide. That you are not alone in your loneliness; that the friend will still stay after saying some hard but loving things to them. That God is with us; that the tools in our hands and the gifts we have can be used to do amazingly powerful things. That nothing is too small for God to use. That no act of kindness, no matter how small, will go unrecognized. That faith as small as a mustard seed will move mountains.

That fear, when comforted by faith, really will settle down, grow silent and small and take it's rightful place.

A storm, a boat, and a sleeping Jesus

It's been a few months since I last posted. In that time frame, I've celebrated 7 months with my boyfriend, was sick for 2.5 months with rolling viruses (tonsillitis followed immediately by bronchitis), was nearly broke, almost quit my job about five different times, finally found a roommate, visited my best friend, spent two different weekends in a hotel, and for some strange reason have managed to not have a single mosquito bite.

In that time the fear and temptation to run away, give up, grow numb, and doubt have been real entities in my life. I don't understand this season and I feel the waves on the stormy seas tossing me back and forth and I'm frustrated to no end that Jesus is sleeping as I feel I am drowning. And once I scream loud enough at him then he wakes up, just tells the seas to calm and then says "Why are you afraid? Do you still have no faith?"

All frustration and smart responses aside, it is hard to see how God is still in control even when he sleeps. It's easy to doubt that his promises are still true, especially in the seasons where it seems that God is not doing anything. "OK God, I'm holding to faith and believing that you will do something, that you are still in control and that you are still good." And the months roll by, and the loved one in the hospital deteriorates, and the bank account dries up, and friends don't call, and the tissue boxes remain empty and the anxiety and frustration is rising, and the bank keeps calling.

And the boat keeps sinking...and still Jesus sleeps.

There was once a point in my life where I believed that if situations were not changing then we needed to pray harder, fast longer, repent deeper, analyze my for every sin that I committed as to why God isn't answering my prayers. Just press in a little more, maybe if I change then God will love me enough to answer my prayers. As if answered prayers had anything to do with the amount of love that God has for us. The two don't go hand in hand; God doesn't use unanswered prayers to punish us for sins we've committed. The flaw I learned in that perspective was that God now sees me through the blood of Christ; he doesn't see my sin. I still sin, but I am washed clean.

The true miracle in that story was that Jesus was with them in the storm. He could have walked out of the boat in the middle of the storm, he could have called down a million angels to rescue him from the sea, he could have even gone off on a different path all together rather than going out into the sea. But he stayed and he slept and he calmed the sea. It also reflected to every man in that boat how they handle stressful situations and just how far they have to grow before their faith becomes a part of them. Do they turn towards fixing it themselves or doing what needs to be done on their own, or do they turn towards seeking Jesus in the midst of the storm? The story doesn't say anything about the disciples repeatedly calling out to Jesus before he awoke and calmed the seas. Had they sought him out sooner they could have been spared so much anxiety.

God doesn't always change our circumstances, however. One prayer I've been doing is "Lord, help me to seek your face before I seek your hand." This prayer has been so challenging to me in this season because there are so many things I want God to do or to change. God cares about our circumstances AND he cares about us. His response or seeming lack of response to whatever it is we are walking through has nothing to do with the amount of love he has for us or even that he genuinely likes us. Because the truth is he is there WITH US, going through it WITH US. He also cares about our transformation and development; as beings made in the image of God we have a unique calling and design for our life to be drawn into deeper intimacy and connection with our Heavenly Father. I think Jesus knew in the midst of that storm that there was something way more sacred in developing the disciples' faith instead of assuaging their anxiety.

Which is why no matter what we are walking through there is always hope. Hope that God is going to redeem the brokenness, that he is not going to leave us stranded but is instead there with us in the storms in our lives. Hope that the circumstances in our lives are opportunities to transform us and draw us into deeper intimacy with God, letting go of that which hinders us from stepping into all that God has for us. Hope for those of us that scream out "I don't care about being transformed in this moment, I just want to be spared my suffering!" that God will comfort us and calm our storms. That he holds us in his arms and doesn't let us go. Ever.

Faith and Hope are wrapped up in this reality: God is with us.

It's Here! Graduation and Personal Thank Yous

Tomorrow I graduate.

It's surreal that graduation is finally here; it just feels like the end of another term and I'll start up classes again in 6 weeks. Nope, this is the end. Time to hop off this ride and step into a new journey of life. As I'm sitting here texting my closest cohort members "Ahh we graduate tomorrow!!!"

I've been sitting here the last week pondering the journey I've been on these last three years. A journey that began with completely changing directions and stepping into the unknown. This wasn't part of the plan.

Tomorrow could have been my Doctorate graduation. I was going to do medical missions and change the world. Maybe even cure AIDS in Africa. I had (and still have) a dream of starting an orphanage and bringing hope and love to the nations. Tomorrow is my Masters graduation. Although I don't have as clear of a plan, part of that is purposeful because I've learned that God doesn't always do things according to our plans, if ever. The more I try to plan the more frustration I enter into so to save myself the frustration I just learn to trust instead.

This journey has really been a journey of dialectics. It has been a journey of a thousand tears and a thousand smiles and laughs. A journey of anger and of redemption. A journey of brokenness and of healing. A journey of old and new. A journey unlike anything I ever could have planned.

It started with a whoosh - within 2 months I started my first ever full time job, moved into my first apartment, and started grad school. WAY too much transition within a short period of time. I suffered a major breakdown that eventually almost led me to quit my life all together, but what ended up happening was a deeply painful fall out with my best friend, and after 9 months of a difficult job taking provider calls for 8 hours a day I put in my two weeks notice with no back up job. It was during this season that God brought several new friends into my life who have become my confidants and community throughout the last three years. And were the ones to help me move three times in less than a year - woohoo!

After my freak out came a long season of anger and confusion. While I worked to recover from feeling like I was just beaten to a pulp I began to study about being an incarnational example of Christ in my line of work. I started working with children as an in-home skills worker and found so much joy and calling doing this line of work. Difficult but immensely rewarding (hey another dialectic). I studied the human mind, about culture, microskills, the intersection of psychology and theology, and I found there was nothing quite like actually walking it out to give my life joy.

It was also during this time that God began to heal me of my PTSD. Although my story is deeply personal and not many actually know what happened, I found God slowly beginning to break away the walls I had built up and chisel away at my rough edges and odd behaviors. Nothing like being called to minister to others to know you needed your own ministry. I grew close to several wonderful friends and even thought I had fallen in love at one point. Starting EMDR on top of my normal weekly counseling sessions was one of the most rewarding experiences I have ever walked through.

Every week God and I met in the garden, where lies and fears were faced, I grew more aware of my own body and the beauty found within. I discovered myself...well more my selves and learned to listen to what they were speaking to me, and slowly over time I began to become more and more free.

When the burglary hit I think everyone else held their breath. They all knew me and my tendencies to freak out. I was surprised to find peace (minus the first day, the first day I didn't function well at all). God met me and held me and spoke love and peace over me in exactly the moment I needed him the most. This incredibly scary situation has left me doing some odd things to protect my property, but I never lost the love for my home that I had when I first moved in. And was given so much insight into God's heart even for the burglars.

A lot of these last three years have included on/off seasons of intense anger and confusion - anger at myself, God, others, and being deeply afraid of people leaving me. I clung to my anger and brought everyone else into it to help solve my anger issues. At some point I finally decided that I really needed to forgive. This forgiveness was followed by peace, followed very quickly by stepping into my first relationship.

It feels like we've been dating forever but it's not even officially been 5 months yet. Things moved very quickly and suddenly I found all the free time I used to have was gone, and all the loneliness was gone as well. As well as my fear of men, my body image concerns, and all my confusion about particular passages of Scripture was even gone. There was something certain and confident that arose up in me and I became more assertive and sure of where I stand on things. There was a whole new role I took on, and a new side of me came out. Part of me was like "FINALLY!" and led me to throwing myself into this relationship maybe a bit faster than I should have. It has been a wonderful ride!

Practicum and the CAPSTONE paper...let's just say it was much easier than I thought it should have been. Hearing other people's stories about their journey with this makes me feel like I got off easy, slightly making me ponder if I might have done something wrong but everything passed with flying colors.

This journey has been nothing like I planned. Yet I wouldn't trade it for the world! I am not the same person who began this program three years ago. This program and the life that happened during that time taught me so much about myself, others and God and how to walk with joy and thankfulness in every season. When I walk, I will be walking holding all of this in my heart. Pondering the tears and joys, anger and peace, confusion and assurance, intensity and calmness, brokenness and healing, mistakes and redemption. All of this walks with me as I go across that stage. And when the mantle of my hood is placed upon my shoulders, I will remember that Christ has experienced all of this with me. The streaks and pictures painted upon my canvas were really painted on His canvas as well.

In all of this I do have a few people I want to personally thank:
*   Mom and Dad: I would not be at this point in my journey without you two. Two of my most true rocks and the glue that worked to keep me going. I never feel like I can adequately thank you two for all of that you have done for me. This is your celebration as much as it is mine! I love you two so much!!

*   Chris: Chris, you were the one who encouraged me to pursue this path for my life. Your example, peace, patience, humor, kindness and your steady presence supported me week after week after week through all of this! Working with both me and God to help me keep taking steps forward towards my future and having your office be my place of safety and refuge. My place of healing. I think you are the one who knows the best what I've walked through these last three years because you sat with me in my pain and stress and showed me what it meant to be valued in a very personal way! Thank you!

*   Jenny: Sweet Jenny! Oh my goodness what do I say to the bestest friend this girl could have! It has been quite a journey between us two - you into motherhood and me into more school and yet we worked to stay close. You are a diamond in my life! We may not talk as much as we used to or even see each other as much, but you have been such a sweet friend and a wonderful support through all of this!

*Brooke, Katie, Casandra, Megan, and Amber: You ladies all deserve a lot of credit for putting up with me these last few years, and loving me immensely.  For constantly bringing me back to God and pointing me to Scripture. For crying with me and being the ones to listen to (and even experience) my anger and frustration. You all have been such a gift to me!! Thank you!!

*Women's Bible Study: Ladies, you all mean so much to me!!! I couldn't have made it without your love and support all these years. Praying for me, feeding me, sending me Scriptures or pictures to cheer me up! I have been so blessed by you all and I can't thank you all enough!!!

*   My roommates (Brooke, Laurie, and Grace): Thank you for all the grace and mercy you have shown me over these last few years! I was almost a constant mess and very stressed yet you all kept giving me smiles and hugs, and all the late night talks! You are the best!!

* Ryan: Last but not least...You came into this journey with me right at the tail end and chose to sacrifice your time and energy and desires for our relationship right as it was starting to let me have the time, energy and space to be able to finish this marathon. You loved and encouraged me, bought me flowers, held me when I cried, comforted me and helped banish my fears all while facing your own stuff and trying to make a future for the both of us. I love you so much Sweetie! Thank you!!

Ultimately, I give all the glory to God. This has all been for Him and I pray will be used by Him to bless others and to bless my life. All praise, honor, glory, power and dominion belong to You alone!

Thank you!!!