I hope all who see this blog are able to experience God's love through the stories and things I post. It is my prayer that my life would be a witness to others of who God is - through the ups and the downs. And may we learn to do authentic, Christian community together by sharing how Christ exists in the reality of our lives. Know that God loves you today and considers you as precious! Blessings!!
"He has made everything beautiful in its time. He has also set eternity in the hearts of men; yet they cannot fathom what God has done from beginning to end."
When the battle is greatest. When the resolve to continue fizzles flat. When the heart aches with hurt. When the calling seems too great, too hard. When the loneliness seeks to devour. When the mistakes are just too many. When the joy is too great to not get up and dance. When the future looks bright. When the changes are good. When the crisis hits. When the body gives out. When the body fights against the will. When the only hope is the Lord.
As the struggles have come at me over the past few weeks I've had to relearn what brokenness really looks like. What true surrender looks like. And I've hit a point, over and over and over again, where the surrender is so freeing. I've hit a point where I realize how truly amazing it is to know I can trust God. But it takes going to my knees. It takes admitting I am weak, so very very weak. The hour to hour battles, the resolve to keep going when you continue to face failure. The daily facing of my sin and saying "Do you see that Big Guy over there? Yeah, he's going to show you the door." When the only hope I have is knowing God's love is greater than ANYTHING. That the Lord of the whole universe is right beside me, holding me, embracing me in His majestic arms. He knows me. I long to know Him more. I see the scars on His hands and feet as He holds me and I love Him even more.
OK God, I trust You. Take me deeper - take me into the scary unknown of your heart. Wreck me Father for Your glory. That's my prayer for 2015.
This week I came across a video of a sermon given by my newest favorite author Brennan Manning. This message has really touched my heart and has helped me get to some new breakthrough in my life recently. As a fellow sinner redeemed by God's grace and love I have really appreciated Brennan's thoughts, insights and simple (easily understood) but incredibly deep and powerful messages. I posted this on my Facebook page today and felt I could share it with anyone who came across this page. Enjoy, and as always please feel free to leave a note - they're always little treasures to me.
I hope everyone had a very lovely Christmas yesterday! It was actually, surprisingly, quite delightful - actually one of my most favorite Christmases! I hope you had some time to sit and meditate on what it meant for Jesus to come into the world to conquer over and take away our sins. I did, and I was reminded of a particular phrase in one of my most favorite Christmas songs - "In The Bleak Midwinter".
What can I give Him, poor as I am?
If I were a shepherd, I would bring a lamb;
If I were a Wise Man, I would do my part;
Yet what I can I give Him: give my heart.
I've spent a good portion of my life living out of this sense that I have to be perfect. That the littlest mistake I made was going to lead to punishment and I was never going to be "good enough." As I've gotten older I've come to realize that because of this I hid or buried certain sins in my heart and never dealt with them until I experienced an extreme circumstance, then it would come bubbling to the surface. The pedestal is real folks. I would spend time in prayer, drawing near to the Lord, but I would find myself feeling that I had to work harder, smarter, change so much about myself in order to achieve a great dream or calling I had upon my life. I had to sacrifice so much in order to attain the vision; always focusing on my weaknesses instead of realizing how far I had come or what strengths I really did have. I beat myself up over what made me different just so I could fit my life inside a box of expectations that the world told me I had to meet in order to become what I felt so strongly the Lord was calling me into. I had all these awards, scholarships, accomplishments, I had the highest regard and respect from everyone I knew and yet I suffered, I agonized - there was hardly any joy in the work. Until recently I never really realized how incredibly poor I was.
Don't get me wrong, I had an incredible relationship with Jesus - it was so very real and God showed himself to me in so many incredible ways. But I never realized my poverty. I never realized how desperately I needed Jesus to shine His light deep within my heart - in the areas I had locked away and vowed to never show to another soul. I needed the Word to take root within my heart and really begin to produce fruit. The sin, the shame, and the self-hatred I locked away there was destroying so many good and wonderful gifts in my life.
As I reflected on that over Christmas, over the poverty and then the richness and joy Jesus has brought into my heart and life over the last few months, I realized what Jesus has always wanted. Everything else is secondary, everything else comes after this has been established first. No joy can come, no peace can overwhelm my life, no power, no fruit, no relationship can truly ever be present until this is established.
Give Him my heart.
No other gift is great enough to show appreciation for all Jesus has done. No other gift is lasting enough. No other gift is worthy enough to be given - and even then it is worthy enough because God knows this is the highest gift we can give Him.
I may have thought I gave Him my heart before. I may have thought I went all in. But now, I see that it takes so much more. It takes daily surrendering my heart and life to His plans and desires for my heart and life. It takes radically trusting Him in everything - even when what you're being asked to do is scary, or it might hurt, or it might require more of you than you ever want to give. It takes keeping your focus on Him because you know that He is the only one who deserves your heart, your focus, your life. It takes falling on your face before Him in the midst of drowning in your sin; crying out from the depths of your soul "Jesus save me! Jesus change me! Jesus I need you RIGHT now!" It takes admitting that there is no power within you to make the kind of changes that need to happen in order to reflect Jesus to a broken world. It takes knowing that unless He is at the center of anything and everything you do in this world - even incredible good - that it is worthless. It takes knowing that He LOVES you and me so very much; and He LOVES you so very much in that very moment of sin. It takes turning to face Him as you are and letting Him love you. It takes facing Him and letting His love pierce deep into your soul even when every square inch of you is covered in shame. It takes letting go of your dreams, placing them in His hands, because He is worthy to hold them and transform them into His dreams for you.
And it takes allowing Him to sweep you off your feet. To pursue you, to embrace you, to give you good things. It takes believing He has saved you already and His grace is enough to get you into heaven. It takes sitting at His feet, choosing to be there, actively present, instead of getting the loads and loads of work done around you. It takes coming before Him, pouring out your most beautiful possession you have onto His feet to bless Him, washing His feet with your tears and drying them with your hair. It takes reaching out to touch the hem of his garment. It takes running into His open arms and letting Him just hold you. It takes opening your ears to hear His laugh of delight over you; to hear the song from His heart that He sings over you. It takes inviting His presence into every moment of your day and it takes entering through the curtain into His chambers. It takes letting Him take care of you even when the evidence isn't readily available. It takes believing that He has washed you clean, given you a garment of praise and righteousness. It takes letting Him brand your heart with "cherished," "beloved,". It takes surrendering every identity and taking on His identity of "Child of God" and "Bride of Christ."
This giving Him your heart takes opening yourself to Him and letting Him enter into you; to know Him and be known by Him. What an incredible gift to give Him.
...
And there He lays in the manger; the Savior of the world - fully God and fully man. I come before the baby laying in the manger; poor, utterly poor. I see the mess, the smell, the chaos. The animals, the cold wind slapping my face, the young couple before me. I look at my hands covered in the dirt of the earth, I see the rags I wear. What in the world am I doing? I have nothing to give The King, the Prince of Peace. They call Him the Suffering Servant. They say He will take away all of my sins. I tremble; it's too great a gift, too wonderful for me. And yet I know He invites me to come before Him. Why? There must be something He sees in me. There must be something I can give Him that is worthy to give the King of Kings and Lord of Lords. Hope trickles into my heart; joy begins to bubble up from my soul. I don't fully know why but I know that if this is the King of Kings and Lord of Lords then I want to give my heart and life to follow Him. That is at least a worthy gift to give to my King.
With Christmas just a few short days away I thought it was time to post a few thoughts I have about this wonderful holiday to celebrate Jesus' birth. The last few weeks have made getting into the "Christmas spirit" a bit difficult and all the things I have to accomplish within the next few weeks have me rather distracted. But my heart is with this post to be able to shine light on the ways Jesus is working in the world around us in the midst of everything.
Let's start with Mary. I've often contemplated what a huge responsibility she was taking on when she said "Let it be done to me as you have said." What was it that God saw in her, in her heart, that made Him choose her out of the hundreds of other girls her age? What was it like to have the spirit of God overshadow her? And why in blue blazes would she choose to travel on the back of a donkey (if in fact she did) when she was so very pregnant? I mean pregnancy comes with a lot of discomfort and now she's sitting on the back of this animal being jerked around for most of the day. What was it like to feel baby Jesus move around in her womb? What was it like to watch her stomach grow with each passing day, to know the fruit she carried there was the Great I Am? Did God spare her of great labor pains or did she endure a hard labor giving birth to the Suffering Servant? Did Mary ever get tired doing midnight feedings; possibly a bit impatient at a sleepy, suckling baby? What was it like to gently rock him to sleep? What did it feel to have his little fingers - the very hands that would heal nations - wrap around her's? How did it feel to hold the Savior of the universe in her arms? What did she see when she gazed into His precious eyes? One of my most precious memories was getting to hold a little 2 pound baby when I was a volunteer in a NICU, and as I stared into his beautiful blue eyes I felt like I was staring straight into heaven; I'm sure it was so much more for her as she gazed into his eyes. What was it like to hear him laugh for the first time? Did great joy spring up within her at the sound? Or when he smiled at her, did she have her heart burst with love?
And that first cry must have been incredible. The Word -
the Living Word - piercing the darkness, crying out for all humanity.
Receiving breath for the first time, having just been birthed in blood
and water (see the significance there?), and his first act was to cry. Reminds me of one of the most touching and profound verses in all the Bible - "Jesus wept."
Something so ordinary to every human being and yet, in Christ, it is
transformed into something radically new. Did Mary and Joseph weep with
delight at that cry? Did they understand all that was going on beneath
the surface?
How did Mary reconcile in her mind that this was her child and yet her Savior? How did that change how she approached being a mother to Jesus? I mean she on a daily basis got to kiss the face of God...what a beautiful and intimate picture of the realness and tenderness of Almighty God. I would like to give God a kiss some days, or even just simply a hug.
And yet the sacrifice...the ridicule...the shame she endured to nurture and give life and to cherish that life went beyond anything that I think most of us would want. In her heart she must have known and held onto the fact that God cherished her, would protect her, and guard her from danger - even those she was not aware of. Remember how the angel woke Joseph with a dream? And all she had to do was simply, radically trust God. Trusting God will often lead us into some scary situations but we are not without hope because God's hand of protection will be around us. Just as it was around Mary all those many years ago - a simple Jewish girl, poor and considered worthless and yet God called her to be the mother of our Savior. Our worthiness has NEVER been a characteristic when it comes to God and being in His Kingdom - it is by grace alone.
I think of what chaos was going on at that time, what sense of hopelessness I'm sure many people felt. Kind of like today. Chaos, hopelessness, destruction and great evil. And yet God came to dwell among us in humility, to teach us radical love and to call us to something higher than ourselves and the world around us. The King, piercing the darkness with a simple cry, shaking the very foundations of nature being birthed of a virgin, inviting lowly shepherds, outsiders from afar, and all who would hear to celebrate in his birth. Laying aside his authority for a time to step into the realness of what it means to be a human. Immanuel - God with us. Christmas teaches us that He promises His presence; it teaches us to radically trust God even in the face of great evil and darkness; it teaches us to love and forgive radically (something that is not always easy during the holidays - especially when we've been hurt by friends and family). But as we sit at the feet of Jesus, drawing near to Him, surrendering to Him we can find our lives being transformed, cleansed, renewed. That's what I really want to receive this Christmas, and that's what I really want to give this Christmas.
Merry Christmas everyone!!
"How goes the world?" "The world goes not well; but the Kingdom comes." ~ Tales of the Kingdom
This past week I found my life thrown into a whirlwind of crazy things between my own situations and some things going on in friends' lives. A good portion of it was unnerving; leaving me in need of a lot of hugs. Sleep - what's that? Adulthood and living in a broken world sometimes can be overwhelming, and I've been really challenged to think critically about what I would do in some situations that no individual should ever find themselves in. It's been a huge distraction from preparing for Christmas, studying for the GRE and being present for when my best friend came home from six months with YWAM Kona. And yet because I love I choose to not escape but to stand firm, supporting those I care about. But I feel my resolve and tenacity draining as my own fear seeks to overpower me.
One morning this past week I was driving home from work and I felt just drained. Almost on the verge of tears I pulled to a stop at a long stop light. As I sat there I felt that delightful stirring in my spirit that has become a constant presence these last few months. It was as if God was hugging my heart and He was giving me the biggest smile He possibly could. In that moment I felt this sense that I was cherished. As someone who has struggled to accept love from others this has been one of the most precious revelations in my walk with the Lord, and when I came to realize this it totally overhauled my response to life and relationships around me.
It reminded me of something Brennan Manning had said in his book "Abba's Child" about how it's very easy for us to undervalue God's love because God loves everyone by default; but His love gains value in our own eyes when we realize that when God says "I love you" He is also saying "I like you." There's something about someone telling you "I like you" that completely changes your whole perspective on yourself.
I can remember how delightful it was to be told by a new friend "I like you," or even when my counselor said it to me one time. It made me feel valued, and it carried with it a sense that I was cherished by someone. Sometimes you can just tell that someone cherishes you by the way they look at you with such tenderness and delight. That sense of being cherished removes a weight of performance that we all carry on our shoulders. That sense of being cherished tells you that with this person you are free and invited (even desired) to be the real you with them. It also gives you the freedom and challenge to turn inward toward yourself and cherish the you that you were made to be.
If it can be so wonderful when an imperfect human treats you as cherished, then it must be beyond wonderful when our perfect heavenly Father treats us as cherished. And that's what it was like in that moment, and has been like the last few months. In a moment where there were real things to be afraid of, when the weight of situations weighed heavy on my shoulders, when I continued to make mistakes, when I was just absolutely exhausted and haven't been able to have communion with God very well in the midst of all of this. God hugged my heart and overwhelmed me with a sense of being cherished. And as I sat at that light I did cry - I cried because I couldn't stop laughing in delight as I leaned into that hug and realized once again that I do trust my Savior and can continue to relinquish control to Him. Joy and peace washed over me in that moment as "cherished" was branded onto my heart.
Have you ever felt cherished by God? Have you ever considered that when
God says "I love you" He is also saying "I like you", "I enjoy you", "I
adore you"? I dare you to consider it. I dare you to believe it. Because
I didn't find freedom and joy in my own life until I came to understand
and believe that God liked me, cherished me. And I couldn't accept love
from others until I understood this as well. If you've ever felt
cherished by someone in your life then you know what that feels like,
how wonderful it is to know someone takes delight and pleasure in being
with you. It's the very same thing with God except his cherishing is
beyond anything any human can express. So I dare you today to imagine
what it would be like to be cherished by God and maybe just maybe allow
yourself to believe it too.
Jeremiah 31:3 "I have loved you, with an everlasting love; therefore I have drawn you with lovingkindness."
Psalms 147: 11 "The Lord's delight is in those who fear him, those who put their hope in his unfailing love."
I will give you hidden treasures, riches stored in secret places,
so that you may know that I am the Lord, the God of Israel,
I am a beautifully broken vessel, continually being redeemed and renewed for His glory.
I am broken by the sin, pain, suffering and wounds inflicted on me by being a human in a beautiful world thoroughly marred by the agony of sin. Sometimes it's hard to look at the beautiful world around me and ever keep the brokenness before me. I want to see the beauty, I want to see the fallacy of perfection. It's hard to reconcile brokenness and beauty. And yet it is because of the brokenness of the most Beautiful One, the One who had no stain of sin upon Him that there is hope for all things to be made beautiful again. And yet indeed things are beautiful now because they are broken.
My own personal story has indeed been one that is hard to reconcile brokenness and beauty within. The beauty of being an image bearer of God - fearfully and wonderfully made with unique qualities and characteristics to be celebrated and delighted in. And the brokenness of my own personal sin as well as the pain and suffering inflicted upon me by broken and sinful people around me. It is very easy for me to become afraid when all I can see is the brokenness. And it is very easy for me to miss the warning of fear and fall prey to danger when all I want to see is the beauty, the fallacy of perfection. To ignore the brokenness in my own life and ignore the brokenness in those around me. I trust and yet I'm afraid to trust.
Learning to reconcile beauty and brokenness, fear and trust has become my journey these last few months. It takes rereading my story through a number of lenses and perspectives. It takes vulnerability and transparency even with me, myself and I as well as those who are close to me. It takes consistency in reaching for the Lord and continually falling and surrendering into His arms. It takes embracing all of me with God's love and being embraced by Love Himself.
I've learned the hard way, many times, that because of brokenness in beautiful people that trust can be easily broken. Many nights I watch myself, as if on a video, facing the moments when friends, family members, peers and colleagues and even total strangers have broken my trust - some of these moments too cruel, too painful and some of them so subtle and small that I have to watch closely to even see the moment. The list of those I am asked to forgive can be daunting at times. And the fear of the list growing, the fear of who could be added to the list, can be so painful that it just seems easier to ignore the dangers and push on as if everything and everyone around me is perfect. That is until the next time my heart is stabbed, until I've been taken advantage of again, until the voice in my head says again "You're so stupid. You should have known better." Indeed reconciling beauty and brokenness is a hard hard battle to fight.
And yet I know the only way to reconcile beauty and brokenness is within the Beautiful, Broken One. The very One who loves me when my brokenness is given too much reign. The very One who also loves the ones who inflict brokenness upon me. And the very One who loves those who walk into my life and sit in my pain and suffering, as ones who also have been pained and suffer, when the rest of the world walks out. I can trust the Beautiful, Broken One because of His love; in His arms I am safe. The more I entrust my heart to Him alone, the only One with whom I am safe, the more free I am to embrace and fully reconcile brokenness and beauty in myself and in the world around me. In His arms, I can enter into vulnerability with beautiful and broken people around me; to test and risk trust and intimacy in friendships and relationships.
Indeed even in this, today, the Lord is in His redeeming and restorative work in my life. Indeed I am learning that the very ones who consistently have entrusted and pointed me back to the Beautiful, Broken One as the ONLY one with whom I am safe are the ones who can be trusted because we place our trust in the ONLY One with whom we are safe. In this alone relational transparency, vulnerability, intimacy and community are possible. Beauty and brokenness are indeed reconciled and redeemed in my own life and in the lives of those close to me because beauty and brokenness have already been reconciled, restored and redeemed in the Beautiful, Broken One.
The Beautiful, Broken One - in His arms alone, I am safe.
This is a song by BarlowGirl entitled "Thoughts of You". I used to listen to this band all the time (and go to as many of their concerts as possible in high school - it's been memory lane for me as I re-listen to all these songs that were such a part of my teen years), but this song and a few others have stuck with me into adulthood. This song though, expresses, simply, my thankfulness to God.
This week as we center our hearts on thankfulness there are so many things going through my heart and head. These last few months have been such a testimony of God's faithfulness. He never settles; he always pushes us into holiness, into reflecting His image to a broken and dying world. He always knows what's best even when we don't. He is always there for us even when we've pushed Him away. He says we're free even when we continue to hold onto the chains. Honestly, sometimes we feel so comfortable with the chains on that we never really believe God's joy and grace are for us. When my ever-wandering heart is given free reign, He's the one who calls it back to Himself and grounds me in the most solid Rock. He welcomes us with open arms even when we are dirty from living among the pigs. He catches us when we've begun to sink in our lack of faith. He is always working, always moving, always fighting for us even before we are aware. "Thanks" isn't a big enough or strong enough word.
When I think of where my life was at even just a few months ago I am in awe at all that the Lord has done. I think most days I was mad at God. Mad that this was where my life had gone, that I was so alone, so confused, so forgotten. Mad that I had to move back in with my parents when all my friends were able to move into apartments with others. Mad that I had graduated unmarried. Mad that I wasn't sure where my friends were going with their lives and whether or not they would remember me in all of their own personal changes. I sure remembered them daily. I was worn out physically and emotionally from college (especially that senior research project) but I think in my spirit I had given up. I just accepted that this is my life and any effort to change will be met by more and more blows to get me down. And I know that this is exactly the place when you need to fight the hardest but I had no fight left in me. People didn't understand, but I couldn't get out of my depression and I knew from the past that this was the point where I knew I was in trouble. I knew I would never go there again but it still didn't help that I was stuck. A few people recommended I do a Sozo prayer ministry. And then my mom recommended a Christian counselor for me - and this was all during a time when home life was just up in chaos between all the "busyness" my parents and I were both in. I was in survival mode and I think I realized I got to that point where I was like Peter - sinking beneath the waves, except I think I started choking on the waters I was sinking in. I knew God was all there was that I could really reach for. Honestly, I don't think I even said "help me Lord," I think I just reached.
So I up and went to a Sozo. It was a former teacher of mine and her best friend, and it was on a Wednesday back in July. They had been doing this ministry for a while at this point and they said that my experience was equivalent of massive reconstructive surgery, which is somewhat unusual. I don't remember crying a whole lot, all I knew was that I walked out of there closer to God, better able to hear from Him. That following Monday I stepped into my counselor/therapist's office. I think I actually told him at the beginning that he was going to be like a physical therapist to me to make sure the "surgery" sticks. Looking back, now, I'm sort of impressed with the faith I had in those days despite being in such a hurting and dark spot (which I probably would have denied if asked). I had no idea...absolutely no idea where God would lead me in the days, weeks, and months that followed.
I have learned so much about God. So much about myself. So much about who I am to God. I've fallen in love with Jesus all over again, and yet this time I'm challenged to go beyond any point I had ever reached before. I have been challenged to trust when I have no clue what's to come with the next step. I've been led into a new, beautiful territory. A territory to me that I have not yet been able to see fully but yet I'm being led deeper and deeper. I actually had a dream that someone I've grown to trust and respect immensely was holding my hands, leading me one step at a time into this new territory. At one point in my dream I looked down and became afraid of what I saw because it was risky and beyond what I would have ever stepped into on my own. I screamed and clung tighter but then watched myself start laughing joyfully because I realized how much I trusted this person and because I realized that the territory, the new area was beautiful and good and it was full of God's truth, goodness and holiness.
There has been so much newness and discovery - it's been fun and risky exploring all these new things. I've faced so many wonderful things in my heart - pieces of me I had no idea were even there. Like curiosity and my "achiever" mentality that is no longer run by fear and anxiety but by excitement and a drive to do my best to bring glory to God and bless others. I've also faced so many dark corners of my heart and learned to gently, tenderly, lovingly speak God's love to those corners, illuminating what is really there. Some of these things are vicious and destructive, some of these things are covered in shame, and some of these things are so broken that upon first glance I want to throw it out. But then I remember my Redeemer. I remember His ultimate supremacy and how these things in my heart must bow to the Almighty. I remember His goodness and who He has shown and revealed Himself to be in the past and I knew/know He is the only person who can rightly deal with these things. These dark and broken things are still there, they weren't nor never will be tossed into a fire to be burned to ash, but are cleansed and renewed by the blood of Christ. I and these things both are learning to know our place and Who to surrender to. I've learned that God loves our broken and ugly possessions, and that in order to love myself I need to learn to love those parts of me I would much rather throw away - but then I would be throwing away part of myself. Parts of my story. My perspective. My heart. The fullness of my testimony and who God is would be lost if I just threw them out - instead both these things and I are redeemed. God is turning even the ugliest and most broken pieces of my heart, my body, my story, my perspective into something beautiful to bring glory to Him alone.
And the more I dive deeper into this newness the more I realized all these "lighthouses", all the "desert oases" God sent my way through the years (and recently) in the form of relationships and interactions. From my best friends who walked with me through not just the betrayal of my former best friends but stepped willingly, despite my rejection, into a painful situation in college that I could not share with anyone. My Heritage 311 girls...they were my safe haven my junior year and taught me true community. To a homeless elderly woman I met in one City Front ministry night, her name was Frieda, who taught me the heart of true thankfulness even when you have absolutely nothing. To teachers, classmates, roommates, and a friendly greeter at a new church who told me I have a beautiful smile and a beautiful heart (and he didn't even know my name). To my parents, my family members, amazing friends, campus pastors, and my dear, precious therapist. All lighthouses, all people who spoke Jesus to me and are Jesus to me. The immense quantity and vast quality of these interactions make me feel so honored and validated. Who is this Lord that would provide for me, who would give me all these rich and beautiful treasures? Why me Lord? Some days I still have to ask that question - why me? And the response always makes me smile because despite my worthiness (or lack there of) I am loved. My God truly is gracious, and in that I place my value.
So God, "thank you" is simply not enough. Words are not enough to express my thanks. But I'm learning that my life can be the fullest expression of my thankfulness. You're worthy of at least that :)
UPDATE 11/27/2014
After I wrote the post above I was overcome with thankfulness for the friends in my life. Particularly my three best friends Jenna, Jenny, and Christa. I met these three beautiful ladies my freshman year of college and I fell in love with them mostly out of their pure devotion and love for the Lord. As our friendship was growing all three of them became some of the strongest support pillars for me as I was dealing with the rejection of my former best friends. And then they were the ones who stood with me day and night when my family walked through dealing with a difficult situation that I couldn't talk about with anyone - but these ladies told me to talk with them anyways. They have always been the first to pray for me, the first to encourage, the first to support, the first to point me to Jesus. And they were the ones I went weeping to one day junior year and said "are you willing to enter into a deeper, authentic community with me?" And yet through all of this, because of the pain and rejection of my former best friends I could not trust them. And they knew that. And for reasons I will never understand they continued to love me anyways, and continued to show me again and again that they were faithful to this friendship.
The day I took the greatest risk in my friendship with them was the day I told them about my deepest, darkest and most shameful sin. Individually I told them, and individually they didn't turn their faces away, instead they continued to look me in the eye, they held my hand, they prayed for me. They asked me hard questions and told me to come to them whenever I struggled. That was an even greater risk for me and I didn't entirely follow through on that with them. That is until I told my therapist. They were the ones encouraging me, praying for me for weeks to have the courage to seek the help I needed. And they were the ones who celebrated when I did. I learned I could go to them in those moments of weakness. And time and time again when I told them I was weak and stumbling they would remind me they were there for me and point me to Jesus. A couple times they prayed for me at 4 am, or would stay up late while on a DTS in Nepal (through YWAM) to "talk" with me.
A few days ago, in thinking of Thanksgiving, I realized I needed to tell my friends why I was thankful for them. The following is a text message conversation I had with one of them:
Me: "Do you know how much I appreciate you!? :)"
Friend: "No, how much? :)"
Me: "I appreciate you a TON!! For being there when I had trouble trusting because of former friends. For always bringing me back to Jesus. For always being available to talk. For loving me despite knowing what ugliness I've participated in over the years. And for being a huge support for me as I grow toward holiness and purity."
Friend: "Well that is what friends are for! If anything, you are the one who has been strong to keep going even when it's tough and sharing about your weaknesses. You are an exemplary model, and I love watching you grow."
Me: ":') Goodness way to make me cry! Thank you, I love you!! -bear hug-"
That text message was a pivotal moment for me. As I was driving down Highway 35E in St. Paul listening to my car's bluetooth read out the message I realized in my heart that I finally, truly and completely trusted these friends, these sisters. I almost couldn't see the road I was crying so hard.
I know going forward that there may be times we hurt each other in our friendship, but I know I can trust them and will always continue to cherish our friendship even in disagreement. For that I am thankful to them and to God especially - I will never fully grasp all that he has done in bringing these ladies into my life. Thank you!
I've been struck this week at how many times I have witnessed the Lord fight for that spiritual development in someone's life. For someone to be able to draw closer to God. Whether that's for their salvation, their growth, or their victory over sin. Or maybe He fights for someone to come to the true meaning and understanding of the gospel and this new life we are freely and graciously given. And I've been struck, also, that in the face of this relentless pursuit, this tenacious drive, that the Lord is kind, gentle and loving.
For example, I was touched (while reading a new blog this week) about the story of the woman who was caught in adultery and the religious community brought her before Jesus and asked him about the law and whether or not they should stone her to death as the law says. And just the way that Jesus - the Son of God - stood between this hurting, shamed woman and her attackers and saved her life. Giving her hope and a new future. That was the Lord fighting. Kind. Gentle. Loving.
Or the way that when the Israelites were trapped between the Red Sea and Pharaoh's advancing army. Talk about being stuck between a rock and a hard place - death by drowning or death by sword. And what does God do? Pillar of fire. God stood between the hurting, scared (and a bit dense) Israelites to defend them from their attackers, stretched out his hand and parted the waters. The Lord fought for their freedom. And then went on to fight for them time and time again because they just didn't get how much God loved them. That was the Lord fighting. Kind. Gentle. Loving.
And even in my own life. Looking back I see time and time again the Lord fighting for me to be rid of sin. Fighting for me to see how truly loved I am by the Lord Almighty. He was gentle. Relentless. Kind. Loving. My shame could have been exposed. My failures could have been revealed - in all honesty they should have been. But they weren't. And time and time again God worked in my heart and life and I thought I changed. But some habits die harder than others. And when it finally all came to a head and I once and for all faced that dragon and began to destroy it, rid it, from my life I was safe. Protected. Loved.
And even beyond that, the Lord has been fighting for so many years for me to get whole...for there to be real, true healing in my life. The Lord has been so very gentle with me in this area. Relentlessly pouring out blessings into my life through encounters with Him and through people he's brought into my life. The Lord has fought to rid me of fear. Boldly and tenaciously showing Himself to be greater still even in those moments when I could not breathe. Those dark nights of the soul when I thought there was no hope, there my Savior was. Just by Him embracing me, tenderly holding me close He was fighting. Where I rested, He fought by standing between me and the darkness seeking to devour me. He was, has been, and is the pillar of fire in my own life standing between me and the advancing, blood-thirsty army so I, we, could watch God part the waters and walk across into the promised land.
He fights so we can enter fully, boldly into His presence. He fights to bring glory to His name. He fights to teach us how to fight, how to take a stand against the darkness and all the flaming arrows Satan throws at us. And He fights for us because He loves us. Sometimes He fights and all you can do is hit the ground and pray until you see the victory. Sometimes it seems He fights ever so slowly, but when you look back you see all He did and you marvel at His goodness. And He always fights in such a way that empowers, equips and transforms us so we can fight alongside Him in the next battle that comes our way, and to fight alongside Him in support of those around us and their own battles they face.
Where has the Lord fought in your own life? It can often be hard to see, especially when life gets busy and one thing after another comes your way. When you have those moments where you feel beaten to the ground and all you can say as you're gasping for breath is "Lord, help me!" He's right there, beloved. He's already been fighting for you even if you can't see it. Like when Peter was sinking, Jesus was already there, already walking on the water. Already fighting for Peter. Jesus was ready to catch Peter if Peter would just turn to him and ask for his help. In that moment Jesus stood between Peter and the very waters that should have been his death. And what's more, Jesus stood between Peter and his own doubt and fear by showing His supremacy in walking upon the waters.
Whatever battles you're facing, whatever hardships, whatever moments of doubt and fear you are facing today, know that the Lord is already fighting for you. The Lord who fights is loving. Gentle. Kind. (Patiently) patient. Relentless. Tenacious. Tender. Truthful. And victorious. And so much more.
I'll leave you with a time of worship by Darlene Zschech. Blessings!!
Now I'm sure we have all been at that place where the world is spinning. Not the literal the world is spinning because it's always doing that, but your own personal world has been tossed in the air. And there's so little resistance to get it to stop spinning that you have no idea which way it will land when it hits rock bottom. But have you ever been in a place where your own personal world is spinning and all you want to do is just spread out your arms wide and embrace whatever comes next? Embrace it with delight, joy, and trust because you know you are so loved that you actually want to hug yourself? Now that would be something.
Actually, that's a little like what my life has been like this past month. My life has been hijacked by joy, my life and who I am have been overwhelmed and overtaken by God's love. I have lost so much control of my life that I can't help but fall into Jesus' arms out of pure delight. Next thing I know my life is being nudged in a different direction, as if I am a ship and the winds turned course and all I can do is let the controls go. I guess you can say it's a bit like being swept off my feet. I'm being steered closer and closer to God's holiness, His presence and all I have to do is just dwell, just delight in knowing God's unconditional love. Delight in knowing my sins are forgiven and I have been given a new life, a new name. No longer an orphan, no longer a slave. But a child - cherished and loved by the Father.
And when the seas get rough, and the storms and winds blow. And I think this ship may sink I know who really is in control. And so I just fall into His arms and delight in His presence. Sometimes that requires me to let go of listening to my emotions and listening to what I know. To depend on who Jesus is and who he has shown himself to be to me. To trust in God's character and meditate on His goodness and the things He has done in my life. To believe in who other people are not how my emotions interpret the interactions and situations around me.
I have been overwhelmed with God's goodness. I have been swept off my feet. And I keep being in awe at all the ways God has been working in my heart. All the people he has led me to interact with, all the beautiful moments where God's beauty radiated into my life. I still find myself most days so in love, so loved, that I can't help but hug myself. I can't help but hug other people. I can't help but laugh and dance. Two years ago this December if you had told me I would want to hug myself so fiercely I would have laughed at the appalling thought. That December I put a "sword in the river" and said "God you need to teach me to love myself because I just can't". Now look at what the Lord has done.
I find myself in this place where my world spins out of my control, of other people's control, and directly into God's control. And all I have to do is fall back into His arms, cherish Him cradling me, holding me, and delight in His presence and watch the Lord's goodness and glory manifest in my life. All I have to do is worship, seek moments to just dwell in His presence, and my life changes. Yep, I've been hijacked by joy and it is absolutely the most incredible thing I could ever experience in this world!!!
Have you heard? Your sins are forgiven...your shame is put to shame in the presence of Jesus...your mistakes are redeemed...your life is made new...Have you heard? Do you believe?
I know what it's like to wholeheartedly hate yourself. I know what it's like to think that taking your own life was really the only option to overcome the darkness. I know what it's like to want to smash the mirror every time you looked at it. I know what it's like to hold yourself to the utmost standards because if you were to fall short then it would be another thing counted against you. I know what it's like to fall into sin because your heart aches for things unfulfilled. I know what it's like to gasp for breath in the midst of a panic attack because the thought of failure, of being a failure, appeared more real than Jesus' grace and mercy.
But Jesus was always there.
The Prince of Peace holding out his arms to embrace me in all of his majesty and glory. Who am I Lord? Don't you see Lord that I am unworthy, all I have is filthy rags? Don't you see the shackles and chains bound to me? Don't you see that I am infested with sin? Why Lord do you beckon me into your presence?
Because My blood has redeemed you. My love for you redeems EVERYTHING.
You are precious to Me.
You are beautiful.
You were worth the suffering I endured on the cross.
You are now clothed in My righteousness.
You have been reconciled to Me.
Do you love me?
That moment of faith when you realize you can't keep cowering in the corner, hiding because you're covered in shame. That moment when you put it all on the line because Jesus is worth it and you turn to Him in full honesty and transparency of your shame and sin. That moment when you are embraced...when you realize for maybe the first time in your life that you are fully loved...that moment when the fountain of joy springs forth from the depth of your soul...that moment when you in turn embrace yourself.
Have you heard? Do you believe? Jesus loves you! That shame, that sin, that embarrassment, that failure, that mistake, that missing the mark of God's glorious standard. Yeah, all of that Jesus loves! And His love redeems EVERYTHING! There is hope for you in the midst of the struggle. There is joy - take it from someone who for probably 7 years has been praying for the fruit of joy in my life. Have you heard? Do you believe?
Every once in a while I come across a song that just speaks to my heart. I came across this song on my way home from church this morning (thank you PraiseFM!) and I just cried and cried at the words. "Blameless...", "Boldly I approach your throne..." "your own..."
God has always been incredibly real to me. I remember as a little girl giving my heart to Jesus because I marveled at His love. I remember Him stepping into my darkest nights when I was 14 and relentlessly pursuing me and giving me hope when I had given up on everything. I remember Him wooing my heart throughout the teen years, drawing me into His presence and showing me His heart for others. I remember Him piercing my heart to heal and help me remember so many painful things I had endured throughout the years so I could become whole...I remember Him asking me to accept His love as a young woman who was just starting to realize the extent of her impurity...a woman who cowered in shame and yet when I turned and ran into His arms a fountain of joy sprung forth from the depth of my soul.
"He pulls me close with nail-scarred hands. Into His everlasting arms." The very hands my sin, that I, had pierced. These very hands pull me close. The very feet I nailed to the cross because of my sin, pursues me, walks with me even in the midst of a darkness I am unable to overcome. And he calls me to walk with others in order to show them God's love. And the only way to show others God's love is by listening to the Father's heartbeat.
Sitting on His lap, letting Him hold you close. Can you hear it beloved? Are you there? Do you feel His arms embrace you, tenderly holding you against Him...just listening to the rhythm of His heart. There's no shame there, no condemnation...just a knowing that God loves you and accepts you as you are - all of you.
I want to leave you with a dream God gave me once a number of years ago. If you remember a few posts back I shared a poem entitled "The Garden". That Garden has become my special me and Jesus place in my life and in a section of this garden is a little waterfall flowing into a pool that is surrounded by a series of large rocks. This particular spot in the garden is where I go with Jesus when we need to talk through some difficult things. In this particular dream Jesus took me to the rocks and out of habit I sat down and watched the waterfall for a little while, unsure of why we were at the waterfall. Jesus told me he wanted to show me something and he took me through the waterfall. In this dream I was pleasantly surprised to find I was standing in a huge cave. The cave was lit up from somewhere and as my eyes adjusted I became breathless. Covering every square inch of the walls, ceiling, and floor of the cave were diamonds of every shape, size and color. Some sparkled brilliantly and others were a bit dull but not one was the same as any other diamond in the cave. When I could finally breath again I said "Woah, Jesus what are these?" In my dream Jesus stood a little ways ahead of me and when he turned around to face me I noticed tears running down his face. "These are the hearts of everyone I love, even those who do not know me or have rejected me. I love every one of them." And then Jesus proceeded to point out particular diamonds to me "I love this one. He is so funny and I just cherish his compassion." or "I love her. She doesn't yet know it but I am pursuing her intensely." Or "I love this one. He always makes sure to worship me in special and unique ways." And it went on and on in my dream.
This is a taste of the Father's heartbeat...do you know how much God cherishes you? Have you experienced His tenderness? His mercy? His love? Have you let yourself climb up onto the King's lap, dressed in rags and ashes, and let Him embrace you and hold you close to His heart? Have you accepted His love today?
After three incredible weeks, really after being a part of an amazing worship time at my Church last Saturday, I finally hit the peak of what I could give physically and a bit emotionally. I knew the tiredness would come, I knew I would find myself at a point of weakness, and I had been preparing for it for three weeks. What I didn't expect was to find myself stumbling and messing up in areas I don't normally mess up in.
First there was the big mistake in the nursery Sunday morning. I knew better. Parents were a bit mad at me. Parents are never mad at me. Eliana wanted to go run and hide in a corner. I've worked in the nursery since I was in fourth grade and I have never felt the weight of that responsibility until I made this mistake. It was a stupid stupid mistake but my tiredness and impatience and I guess my sense of pride that I "knew" what I was doing since I am the veteran of the nursery even though I'm like 14 years younger than everyone else who works in it. The same old patterns of self-condemnation and self-rejection reared it's ugly head and in the midst of the tiredness I found myself falling back into a few old habits.
And then the temptation came, the sin snuck in, and the shame began to fortify itself again in my life. What in the world, why am I regressing?!
My accountability partners and I had a little chat about this, and we're working on formulating a game plan/battle strategy. And most of that plan includes me embracing the reality, again, of my own humanness, fallibility, faults, and mistakes.
Have you ever stood in front of a mirror and gazed at your reflection in all of its fullness. Looking beyond the physical appearance and gazing deeply at who you are, who you really are? Do you like what you see? Have you stared at the one thing you are deeply ashamed about and instead of berating yourself you find yourself thanking God that this place of shame is equally as beautiful and equally as precious as your most loved part about you? Have you found yourself thanking God for all the areas of brokenness because you know it's in those places of brokenness and shame that God's love shines the brightest and is shown to you in the biggest and most profound way?
For example: Many of you who know me know that I desperately need to lose weight. The doctor says I'm morbidly obese. I hate that word. In order to be healthy I need to lose more than half of my current weight. The other day I tried looking at myself in the mirror and in an effort of embracing who I really am I found myself thanking God for all the things I like about my appearance and thanking God that the areas my body is broken in are because I tried to fill their needs and manage them with things that temporarily satisfy instead of inviting God into these areas of brokenness. So I invite God into these places of brokenness and I begin to see the beauty of the flaws, the failures, the mess. I realized that even in the physical part of me God has given me a desire and longing for intimacy and connection with Him, and I loved seeing that the depths of my physical brokenness speak of depths of this desire and longing for God. So I invite God into my physical brokenness and ask the Holy Spirit to begin to work in my life in this area. Currently, I'm down 19 pounds!
Today, instead of shaming yourself for all the ways you should have done things differently or for all the little imperfections or things you don't like about you, could you embrace them? Could you see beyond the surface to see that the depths of brokenness speak of the depths of longing and desire for intimacy and connection with God? Could you invite Him into those shameful and broken places of your lives, thanking Him for the profound way you were made - mess and all - and believe that God could love you, all of you? Could you turn and face God's holiness as broken and as sinful as you are and let Him embrace you fully? Could you begin to cherish and love that side of you that you don't like, that you want to keep hidden, because God loves that side too? Could you begin to challenge yourself to stop "shoulding on yourself" as my counselor would say and begin to thank God that you are flawed and that you need Him? Because let me tell you, when you realize the depth of your need for God you will find that God is capable and willing to meet that need and beyond. Yes, it is a beautiful mess :)
A few weeks before my big day 3 weeks ago I got an invitation to be a part of the choir for my church's upcoming Feast of Tabernacles celebration. Wasn't sure I wanted to do it at that point. But the morning after my big day three weeks ago I woke up and realized I have this insatiable need and desire to worship constantly. I should do something about that. So I signed up to sing in front of 700+ people.
Last night was the Feast of Tabernacles celebration. And oh, my goodness, we worshiped!
To be standing up on those risers watching everyone worship...how could you not forget you were up there and just worship? The second song we sang was "Revelation Song". I'm standing up there loving singing this song and then I look out over the crowd and everyone is standing, some people dancing, waving palm branches and everyone was singing their heart out to the point where we in the choir could even hear them. So we sang louder.
Did someone open a door or a window? I could have sworn there was a wind blowing through that place. I couldn't stop moving...I think I almost started jumping (up on those risers) and at one point I let out a delighted laugh in the middle of singing!!
This joy is seriously incredible!! To have the freedom to worship, and in a way that before would have found me wound up in self-criticism. But now, I can't stop worshiping my King!! It didn't matter that I was standing up in front of 700+ people, I was worshiping my King and I got to witness the Holy Spirit moving amongst the people who came to join us. It so seriously blessed me!!
Today marks three weeks of this incredible journey with God. So much has changed as I've come face to face with the full reality of my own humanness and sin and found myself being embraced by God in all of His holiness. I've discovered a deep drive and determination to seek out and find others who are locked up in shame as I've discovered such a deep hatred for it in my own life I can't help but hate it in others' lives. I've talked and shared a lot about this topic of shame and brokenness and lots of people have responded and been happy for me, but the point of me writing all of this isn't because I want people to be happy for me. I want people to ponder, to inspect their own lives, to find the courage they need to face their own deepest shame and dare to believe that God could love them with all of that. Dare to believe that what the Bible says about God's love for us is true. I want people to discover this incredible joy that I've found as I presented my deepest shame and darkest sin to God Almighty and He cleansed me and set me free.
But today I want to talk about a different subject. And that is me and the pedestal I've been on since the time I was very very young.
Many of you who know me are probably reading this and thinking "I'm so happy for you Eliana. That is just great news." But you may also be thinking "Good for you, but you're a straight A student, you're a leader, you've never had anything horrible happen to you, you have parents who love you and are completely devoted to you, you've never really done anything that bad. You are all sweetness and kindness, your sins are probably very menial." And I'd like to challenge that thinking...what might possibly have been my motive behind being a straight A student (which only lasted up until college)? What if I told you three weeks ago (the precipitant of all of this) was that I confessed my deepest shame regarding my darkest sin? That yes I've known God and experienced His love my whole life but I never knew joy? What if I told you that being stuck up on a pedestal (at the hands of myself and others) is one of the worst ways to live your life? What if I told you that I fell very very far in my sin but covered it up to be someone people liked? What if I told you a lot of my motivation behind helping people was so that they would accept me with all of my brokenness? What if I told you that even though I have such supportive and loving parents, who are still married, I never knew how to really accept their love? What if I always felt guilty and selfish to let others' do things to love me? What if I told you that I have always felt very alone and unknown?
A few weeks ago I ran into an old teacher of mine, who was also my dentist growing up, and we got talking about the upcoming anniversary for my K-12 school I grew up at. I was terrified to go because I wanted to run away from ever having been there. So I said something to the effect that I might not go because I'll have my niece with me. And he said "Oh you should bring her anyways and not tell people she's your niece." I asked why in the world I would do that. He said "Oh to see what their reaction would be. You know the person voted to be the least likely person to have a child out of wedlock coming to the anniversary with a little one. It would get some good laughs." Oh, oh, I got mad for so many reasons. But the one thing that went through my head was "I am not above that. I'm not so good that I couldn't possibly fall and find myself pregnant and unmarried." But that's an example of the extent that this pedestal has placed me. What if I really did fall like that? Would it somehow be more shameful for me? The dove who soiled her feathers versus the raven who took a mud-bath. I was so mad! And part of it is that I don't think those around me have ever realized that that pedestal kept me also locked up in shame, that I could never ever seek the help I needed because I was the "good one". So I'm choosing to step off the pedestal and be open and honest with people about my fall into sin, so that someone somewhere can know that God's love is for them too, not just the ones who have "never done anything bad." There is no hierarchy of sin in the kingdom of God - sin is sin.
But, I'm here to say that there is hope and that most of the things we get stuck in or struggle with are a result of our broken understanding of our wholly longing for connection and intimacy with God, and God is not ashamed of our deepest places of brokenness. We sin in relationships because we confuse our longing for God and think that things on earth can satisfy. That the love and intimacy in a marriage can somehow fulfill every dream and desire. That having a child can somehow give fulfillment to one's life. That food, television, drugs, exercise, sleep, sex, pornography, video games, cars, material goods, popularity, money, good looks, etc. can all satisfy. But they are all broken expressions of our longing for connection and intimacy with God. And yet, here's God saying "Let me love you! All of you!"
And believe me, if you would just face the reality of your own humanness and brokenness, your own hidden shame(s) and deepest sin(s) and you turn to God and let Him love you, you will find His love is more than enough for you. And the joy you find in knowing God's unconditional love is really unconditional is absolutely incredible!
So here I am, stepping off my pedestal and saying I am wholeheartedly broken and sinful. I am no different than the next son of Adam or daughter of Eve. I struggle with my sin and humanness every single day. And yet God's grace and love has saved me, has redeemed me, and made me into a new creation. I am God's beloved.
This week I was encouraged to start reading some of Brennan Manning's works, such as the Ragamuffin Gospel and Abba's Child. I started reading Abba's Child and it is such a beautiful portrayal of a God who loves us as broken vessels, and longs to be in deep intimacy with us. Too many thoughts are going through my head as I read this book, and I really recommend it.
This weekend I have chosen to be a part of a Feast of Tabernacles performance at my Church. I love to sing - love to worship in all forms really - and with all the sudden longing to be in constant worship I found myself wanting and craving to do something like this. We are performing in front of 700+ people and all I can say is I'm excited. I'm doing this for the first time ever without fear of how I perform, fear of being in front of people and without any other form of pretense. And as I prepare to celebrate the feast that is dedicated to the Messiah's coming I find myself drawing closer and closer to God. Honestly, nothing else in this world will satisfy even if they are good and great things! Here's my worship preparation song I've been listening to over and over and over and over this week. I first heard it back in my freshman year when some guy friends challenged me to start believing that God could heal me from my fear of rejection. I would go up to Sem Hill at a time when no one else was out there (mostly late at night) and just lay down on the hill and listen to this song over and over and over. It is one of those songs that really just speak of something deeper and more holy than just simply every day Christianity - it speaks of longing and fulfillment. Be blessed by it!
This is what God does! Today, if you are feeling an overwhelming sense of wretchedness, guilt, failure, embarrassment, shame, I implore you to turn to Jesus and risk letting Him love you as you are. You will be surprised to find all the ways that these things, often hidden, that when they come into the light they are made into something so incredibly beautiful and precious (Eph 5:12-14). Now why would God do that unless we are inherently valued and precious. I pray that today you can come face to face with God's amazing and unconditional love. I promise you from my own experience, God will turn your ashes into something beautiful. And please know I am praying for you my readers.
Every day I'm reminded of my sin and shame. Every day I'm reminded of my brokenness and incapability to redeem myself. Every day I'm reminded I need a Savior. I'm tempted daily to cower in the dark corner, claiming I'm too damaged, too sinful for God to love. Too ashamed of letting God see me. And yet He stands there, arms open wide, heart exposed...calling me, beckoning me, inviting me to risk it all in order to accept His love."Just turn to Me, My precious one. Eliana, just let Me love you."is all He says.
It's scary. To daily face the reality and depth of my sin and shame. To admit before God how incredibly lost I am. That every facet of who I am is guilty. I'm at His mercy alone - the One who holds all the rights to judgment and justice because He alone is holy and only He is good. And yet He invites, beckons me to enter into His holiness as I am. "Just let Me love you." There's no pretense. There's no way I am capable of rectifying my sin, I have to let Him love me as I am.
And when I do turn, knowing who I am, His love pierces my very soul. I turn knowing He alone is the only one who can redeem me. The pierce of His love...the depth of knowing and understanding - that He knows and understands everything about me. My very existence is consumed in His love. The pierce of His love...deep into my very soul...it permeates every corner of my being. And the deeper it permeates the more it shatters every remnant of sin and shame. It washes, cleanses, makes me new. His radical, unconditional love makes me new. My very guilt erased, never to be judged again. I am wrecked by His love and raised to a new life in Him.
I am loved, embraced in His holiness. Oh what joy does my very being sing!!! Can you feel it? Can you see it? Do you know this Love?
My heart is so full right now with all the love and joy that the Lord is pouring into me. Something has possessed me these last few weeks; suddenly I find myself stepping into something I never in my wildest dreams saw myself stepping into. Something bigger than I ever dreamed. Honestly, I don't know what the next step is, but I know I have this drive in my heart to worship (constantly) and I have this drive to seek out and help others locked away in shame. Because I know what it's like to stand before the throne of God bearing my greatest shame and being embraced with a radical, unconditional love.
I find myself no longer afraid. I've always been afraid. Afraid of what people would say or do if I didn't behave. Afraid of what would happen if I failed. Afraid of what would happen if I didn't do 110% in everything - including my occupation aspirations. Afraid to let others down. Afraid to hurt others. Afraid of not being perfect. Afraid of admitting my needs and desires - both good and bad. And afraid of being hurt. But as soon as I experienced this joy and freedom it was gone. Gone are the nights I stayed up recounting all the things I had done imperfectly, things I regretted. Gone is the tightness in my chest at the thought of what others think of me. Gone is the headache that has been my constant companion, reminding me that I need to analyze everything I say and do so people like me. Gone is the tingling and itch of my skin screaming to let me out and run away from who I am. I hated myself for so long, and I defined who I was by how people perceived me and the things I accomplished.
Now my nights are filled with worship - I stay up as late as I can just to listen to worship songs all the time. I love going to work because I get to leave early and stop off at my favorite park to either sit on the beach and spend time with God or take a short walk. I find myself weeping because of the joy that is exploding in my life. And it's only the start. I find myself not eating as much, and not needing as much sleep. I find myself getting more repulsed at the taste of coffee - which has sometimes been the only thing to get me up in the morning. And now I can drink half a cup and go all day without being tired. Last night I couldn't even finish a small bowl of my favorite chocolate ice cream - it tasted repulsive, something it never ever has. And I witnessed all three digits on the scale change for the better just this past week, as I was surprised to find I've lost 14lbs (and probably 15lbs now) within the last month and a half.
I've found myself for the first time embracing and enjoying who I am as a woman. This drive to find and make all things beautiful, to nurture, and to bless. To take off my shoes and just stand in a lake in 45 degree temperatures simply because that is my something beautiful, the place where I feel closest to God. To let my hair down simply because I love the feel of the cool breeze as it gently blows my hair. To examine the autumn leaves in all their splendor. And to just hold and snuggle my little nieces and delight in the beauty of who they are as a person. To cook and bake for others simply because it nourishes and cares for myself and others; to clean because it beautifies. To put on make-up because it accentuates that which is already there. To hug and embrace in appreciation and love, speaking heart to heart in companionship and delighting in what God is doing and restoring in each others' lives.
He really will "yet fill your mouth with laughter, and your lips with shouts of joy" (Job 8:21). And all this because I threw off shame (and am still working at throwing it off), confessed my deepest sin, repented and let God love me as I am. And even though I have to do this daily, continue to face my sin and shame and say:“I have been crucified with Christ; it is no longer I who live, but Christ lives in me; and the life which I now live in the flesh I live by faith in the Son of God, who loved me and gave Himself for me” (Gal. 2:20), and "Therefore, there is now no condemnation for those who are in Christ Jesus." (Rom 8:1) this magnificent joy and communion with God is worth it all.
"How Deep the Father's Love" by Philips, Craig and Dean
Oh precious Jesus...how long until we grasp this, truly grasp the weight of your love. And what you did on the Cross...Can the mind ever truly know this side of heaven? Can we ever fully grasp the pain our sin caused you?...Can we ever fully grasp the depth of what it means that you forgave us? That we, but dust, have been adopted into Your family...
That we, tainted as we are, would be embraced by Your Majesty and Holiness because of the price You paid...
As human beings, we live in a broken world. People are broken, nature is broken, systems are broken, governments are broken...nothing is as it should be. The work that Jesus did on the Cross was the start of redeeming that which man broke when sin entered into the world through Adam and Eve. That means we have this promise, this hope that God will make all things new. And that starts with humans.
We as humans all sin. We've all been tainted by sin and cannot do enough to cleanse us of our sins in order to be made right in God's sight. So Jesus did that for us, by cleansing us with his blood.
Something this past week that I've discovered is that most of the time we find ourselves stuck in sin because we cannot get over our sense of shame. If you've ever been stuck in sin and/or addiction - food, drugs, alcohol, internet, television, sexual addictions, etc., you've probably (albeit very simplistically) noticed that there's a sense of "Well, I've already failed, I'm already guilty. May as well keep doing it." And you're constantly afraid of what would happen to you if people really knew. I think the Church has done a good job of alienating people into thinking that they shouldn't struggle with sin after they've come to Christ. Which isn't true - it's more of a journey, a race toward the finish. Where the finish line is us being made complete and whole. It's almost as if this idea that Christians shouldn't sin, shouldn't struggle, and if they do God will give them complete healing (which He does, but not always) is exacerbating the problems. Maybe I need more faith, maybe I need to deny myself more, maybe I should just stuff these feelings, maybe I should just bury these temptations, maybe I should cease to realize that I am still human.
And before you know it, you've closeted away the beautiful person God made you to be...the very person God wants to embrace wholeheartedly and unconditionally. Sin, struggles, imperfections and all...
This past week God has given me a heart for others locked away in shame. Shame..the very thing that kept me trapped in my sin...shame...the very thing that tells me/us I/we can never be good enough to be in God's presence. Why in the world would God want us when we are so incredibly tainted by sin!? But He does...and that's what makes God so great...is that He WANTS and LONGS for us to turn to Him and let Him love us, accept His love because we KNOW we are imperfect, damaged, broken, and sinful.
We all sin, and because we all sin I cannot judge the next person because I'm just as guilty. Even as a Christian. But God has paid the price for my sin and so I believe in His grace, His redemption, and His salvation. And because of this, I want others to know about God's grace and believe in Him as their Lord and Savior. Therefore I say to you, my readers, do away with shame!! Don't let it twist your mind any longer about who God is. Don't let shame deceive you into seeing you as anything less than "very good" in God's sight because you failed. Don't let shame be the thing that keeps you closeted away and incapable of entering into communion with God and with others.
I want people to see - I hate shame!! It has stolen so much from my life, it has kept me from receiving the more abundant life (John 10:10), and it has kept me in bondage for so many years. I hate shame!! It is probably the biggest tool Satan has to take us down and out.
If you are held down by shame, please I implore you, do everything within your power to get yourself free from shame!! Because when shame is gone the sin loses it's grip and power over your life as it comes face to face with who God is. Go see a Christian counselor, talk to a pastor, tell a safe and trusted friend, and go to God with the shame and sin. Yes repentance and confession are hard - VERY HARD!!! But believe me, you'd be surprised what joy comes on the other side!
After last week's confession followed by an incredible weekend of having my first REAL taste of joy I had a difficult day yesterday. I knew something like this was coming. I knew I would be asked to delve deeper into my sin, face it head on, in all it's ugly and horrendous detail, and try to find God's truth in the midst of it. To face the weight of my shame and how much damage it has done to me and my relationships. And how painful it's been to God. And yet, here's God saying "Eliana, turn and face me. Let Me embrace you. Let Me love you."
"We are all infected and impure with sin. When we display our righteous
deeds, they are nothing but filthy rags. Like autumn leaves, we wither
and fall, and our sins sweep us away like the wind." Isaiah 64:6
How could God want to love me when I've actively chosen to participate in something so ugly? How could God still choose to say "You're mine!" I am wholly unworthy. And yet when I look at the Cross I see His grace; that His love and the blood of Christ is more than sufficient to cover and redeem me from my sin. That He paid the price...a price that I know in full value now. Satan wants me to believe that my sin is too great, that the effects are too permanent, that I am too broken...that God's grace and the blood Jesus shed on the Cross is not enough. But when I look back over all the years I have been trapped in this sin I see God relentlessly pursuing me, fighting for me, leading me to this place I am in. God has done so much to show me His great love in all of this.
He even went so far as to impress on my parents' hearts before I was born to give me a middle name that means exactly what I am now currently fighting to get. It's my identity and my testimony. And it's a gift that God is working tirelessly to build up and establish in my own life.
How could His grace, how could the cost of His blood not be enough if God has shown me that He has worked and paid so much to get me free of my sin? To claim that it's not enough would be to claim Satan is equal if not greater to God and disqualify the truth of the Gospel that God has no equal (and that includes equal and opposite comparisons). See Isaiah 40 :)
And the amazing thing is that because of the blood of Jesus I am now made clean and adopted into God's family - heir of God and co-heir with Christ (Rom. 8:17)!! My sins now forgotten, my shame now erased. I am a new creation; pleasing and beautiful in God's sight...
God makes all things beautiful in its time. And He has set eternity in the hearts of man, yet they cannot fathom what God has done from beginning to end. Ecclesiastes 3:11
I've been impressed this last weekend at how my blog seemed to have exploded out of nowhere. For three days I watched the tallies hit 30, 40 and even 50 visits a day! Even if it's just for one weekend and I never see these numbers again just know that you, my readers, blessed me so immensely!!
These last few days have been a mind-boggling experience for me. To think that this day last week I was unable to sleep, shaking, running through my head what I should and should not say regarding something that needed desperately to be dealt with. And then to all of a sudden, upon confession, come face to face - for REAL - with the unconditional LOVE of God in spite of my deepest shame and come out the other side experiencing joy for the first time in my life. And to be offered hope that I can overcome...it REALLY blew me away. I've known for most of my life that this is who God is, but until I really experienced it for myself I could not know it for myself. And it wasn't like there was a big moment, where BOOM, I all of a sudden had a revelation (like my testimony when in an instant God healed me from depression). It was like a long, gentle hug that slowly got firmer and more real...
After Friday morning I found myself experiencing an incredible desire to worship...all the time. I could not sleep because I would wake up (pretty much every 2 hours), feeling like I could cry because I was so happy, and just hungering to go for a walk and worship, put on some worship music and just be with Jesus. And this has been a perpetual thing. Saturday when I was at work I was so antsy to get done for the day because I could then go to my favorite park and just walk until the sun set and worship. On Sunday when I had signed up to cover a co-worker's 8 hour shift (despite my prior commitment to not work on Sundays) my co-worker and supervisor let me go early so I could get to Vespers at Bethel on time. And the weirdest experience of all was leaving church Sunday morning, driving down highway 10 listening to Francesca Battestelli's "Beautiful, Beautiful" at full blast and I just started weeping because I was soooo happy! Really, truly, I'm experiencing joy for the first time in my life.
I remember five years ago waking up and realizing I don't know that I've ever felt joy. I think that was the first time I prayed that I could develop the fruit of joy in my life. For almost three years now I've had scripture verses posted next to my bedside such as Job 8:21:
"He will yet fill your mouth with laughter and your lips with shouts of joy."
These verses have been a reminder and a promise through so much difficulty, heartache and fear I've experienced over the last couple years. And I can say that this verse in Job really came true for me this weekend. And even though I've slowed down a bit in my expression (as I finally got some sleep) I still am in this perpetual state of joy.
I've thought back over the years of everything that has brought me to this point of seeking the help I needed. Of all the times I was really scared of getting prayed over, spoken over, or ministered to for fear that they would find out my sin. But God didn't reveal this to them - instead he pursued me with His love every single time, knowing I was guilty of this sin and shame. God could have easily revealed this to anyone - He had every right to - but instead He treated me with loving kindness. And when it really became important to start dealing with my sin He was the one who TOLD me to tell a specific person, and every single time it was the best person to confess to. And it was God, who this WHOLE time has been telling me "Just let me love you!"It really is the Lord's kindness that draws us to repentance.
All these new experiences are very uncharacteristic of me. I've started wanting to do things well not because someone requires it of me (and if I didn't do it perfectly, well then I would be shamed) but because I want to bless people and bless God. I've wanted to wake up early, not nap as long, and instead go for a walk or listen to worship music. I've started having less coffee because I simply don't feel I need the coffee; I also haven't been as hungry for most of this past month but especially this past weekend. Sunday I actually had a friend tell me I've lost weight, to which I promptly denied because I just didn't notice anything different. Well Monday morning I was shocked to find I had lost 13 pounds within the last 1.5 months and I didn't even know it!
But this joy, oh this joy I'm finally experiencing...it's life altering. I think I finally understand the difference between happiness and joy. Happiness is situational, circumstantial and is an emotion. It is a reaction to things in life and is really, really good but it is not joy. Joy instead is an all-consuming state of being that can be present in any and every situation and circumstance. It doesn't make sense sometimes how someone can be joyful. But joy...it flows out of a heart that knows it's unconditionally loved. What a beautiful and majestic God we serve!!!!
Thanks for stopping by this blog! Here's a little about me: I was born in Hawaii to missionary parents, traveled the world my first few years and then we came back to Minnesota where I have stayed since I was 3 years. I came to Christ at a very young age and have always had a close, vibrant, open relationship with my Lord. I am currently pursuing a Masters in Counseling Psych with the dream of one day going into missions with it. As well as one day marry and have a family of my own. My heart is for others to know and experience the love of God. My life has been full of blessings and brokenness, and through it all God was with me. If you read through any one of my posts you will see that I am very transparent. Maybe you'll connect with a little or a lot or nothing of what I say. But that's OK, because I'm not here to please everyone, just to reach those that God asks me to reach. Always feel free to contact me or comment on anything I say - I love feedback! Blessings!!
