I find myself no longer afraid. I've always been afraid. Afraid of what people would say or do if I didn't behave. Afraid of what would happen if I failed. Afraid of what would happen if I didn't do 110% in everything - including my occupation aspirations. Afraid to let others down. Afraid to hurt others. Afraid of not being perfect. Afraid of admitting my needs and desires - both good and bad. And afraid of being hurt. But as soon as I experienced this joy and freedom it was gone. Gone are the nights I stayed up recounting all the things I had done imperfectly, things I regretted. Gone is the tightness in my chest at the thought of what others think of me. Gone is the headache that has been my constant companion, reminding me that I need to analyze everything I say and do so people like me. Gone is the tingling and itch of my skin screaming to let me out and run away from who I am. I hated myself for so long, and I defined who I was by how people perceived me and the things I accomplished.
Now my nights are filled with worship - I stay up as late as I can just to listen to worship songs all the time. I love going to work because I get to leave early and stop off at my favorite park to either sit on the beach and spend time with God or take a short walk. I find myself weeping because of the joy that is exploding in my life. And it's only the start. I find myself not eating as much, and not needing as much sleep. I find myself getting more repulsed at the taste of coffee - which has sometimes been the only thing to get me up in the morning. And now I can drink half a cup and go all day without being tired. Last night I couldn't even finish a small bowl of my favorite chocolate ice cream - it tasted repulsive, something it never ever has. And I witnessed all three digits on the scale change for the better just this past week, as I was surprised to find I've lost 14lbs (and probably 15lbs now) within the last month and a half.
I've found myself for the first time embracing and enjoying who I am as a woman. This drive to find and make all things beautiful, to nurture, and to bless. To take off my shoes and just stand in a lake in 45 degree temperatures simply because that is my something beautiful, the place where I feel closest to God. To let my hair down simply because I love the feel of the cool breeze as it gently blows my hair. To examine the autumn leaves in all their splendor. And to just hold and snuggle my little nieces and delight in the beauty of who they are as a person. To cook and bake for others simply because it nourishes and cares for myself and others; to clean because it beautifies. To put on make-up because it accentuates that which is already there. To hug and embrace in appreciation and love, speaking heart to heart in companionship and delighting in what God is doing and restoring in each others' lives.
He really will "yet fill your mouth with laughter, and your lips with shouts of joy" (Job 8:21). And all this because I threw off shame (and am still working at throwing it off), confessed my deepest sin, repented and let God love me as I am. And even though I have to do this daily, continue to face my sin and shame and say:“I have been crucified with Christ; it is no longer I who live, but Christ lives in me; and the life which I now live in the flesh I live by faith in the Son of God, who loved me and gave Himself for me” (Gal. 2:20), and "Therefore, there is now no condemnation for those who are in Christ Jesus." (Rom 8:1) this magnificent joy and communion with God is worth it all.
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