Being OK with Being Alone

I'm amazed at what God is doing in my heart.

Just a few months ago I would get home from my morning shift at work (4:45am wake-up calls are not fun), grab a bite to eat for a second breakfast, and go back to bed. Then I would get up two hours later and seek out stuff I could buy at a store, or go and hang out with my niece for a few hours until around 7p when Mom and Dad would get home from work and then I could go home for supper, watch a movie, and go to bed. I couldn't be alone at home. I would get anxious. Anxious at my own frailties, anxious about temptations, anxious that if I stayed home I would be forgotten, and anxious at the responsibilities that were expected of me. I remember when I was younger I would beg my parents to make sure they are home by 5p. But then I gave up and gave in that this was just going to be my life - an extrovert living an introverts dream. I hated being alone at home.

Now, especially this past week, I haven't been able to nap because I've been either desperate to be alone with God or excited to go out and walk and listen to worship music. I was also given a task to read a book on boundaries and I remember getting home from work and thinking "Oh, I get to be alone and read my book!" What?! I want to be alone? My parents would come home and I was sitting there reading my book on Kindle and they'd be like "Are you OK? You're very quiet." And my response would be "Oh yes, I'm reading my book." or "Oh yes, I'm listening to worship songs." Haha! Characteristically, if I was quiet I was either depressed, stewing in my own negative thoughts, or just given up on my life ever being what I hoped and dreamed it could be.

I think it's because I'm learning to accept God's love despite my not being "good enough." The last few days I've been hungering to do the exercise I mentioned in my last post. And over the last 24 hours I've been in a constant state of wanting to cry because God loves me, all of me. I've never been a joyful person but the last 24 hours I've found so much joy that I can't get enough time to talk to God, I can't get enough time to go spend time in worship, and I can't get enough of pondering ideas on how I could bless people I know. I've always wanted to serve and bless others, but now it's like I'm soooo excited to do things to bless others. I'm finding myself getting free for one of the first times in my life and it makes me so excited to do the hard things in order to get even more free! Oh, yup here come the tears...

And it's nothing I can do, I got myself stuck, I made some poor choices, and I lived in shame. That we could turn to God as poor and as in need of a savior and He would say "You're forgiven." "You are free" and "I will make you whole; into something completely new!" When we were wholly responsible for the cost of our sin, and should have paid the punishment, He paid it for us! And then He goes and makes us royalty...how could we not want to serve and dedicate our whole lives to this Love!? Yes, I'm learning to enjoy the fruit of joy and I'm OK with being alone because my Prince of Peace is right there with me - and I'm craving being with Him more and more. Yes, oh sweet Jesus...