Stepping off my pedestal

Today marks three weeks of this incredible journey with God. So much has changed as I've come face to face with the full reality of my own humanness and sin and found myself being embraced by God in all of His holiness. I've discovered a deep drive and determination to seek out and find others who are locked up in shame as I've discovered such a deep hatred for it in my own life I can't help but hate it in others' lives. I've talked and shared a lot about this topic of shame and brokenness and lots of people have responded and been happy for me, but the point of me writing all of this isn't because I want people to be happy for me. I want people to ponder, to inspect their own lives, to find the courage they need to face their own deepest shame and dare to believe that God could love them with all of that. Dare to believe that what the Bible says about God's love for us is true. I want people to discover this incredible joy that I've found as I presented my deepest shame and darkest sin to God Almighty and He cleansed me and set me free.

But today I want to talk about a different subject. And that is me and the pedestal I've been on since the time I was very very young.

Many of you who know me are probably reading this and thinking "I'm so happy for you Eliana. That is just great news." But you may also be thinking "Good for you, but you're a straight A student, you're a leader, you've never had anything horrible happen to you, you have parents who love you and are completely devoted to you, you've never really done anything that bad. You are all sweetness and kindness, your sins are probably very menial." And I'd like to challenge that thinking...what might possibly have been my motive behind being a straight A student (which only lasted up until college)? What if I told you three weeks ago (the precipitant of all of this) was that I confessed my deepest shame regarding my darkest sin? That yes I've known God and experienced His love my whole life but I never knew joy? What if I told you that being stuck up on a pedestal (at the hands of myself and others) is one of the worst ways to live your life? What if I told you that I fell very very far in my sin but covered it up to be someone people liked? What if I told you a lot of my motivation behind helping people was so that they would accept me with all of my brokenness? What if I told you that even though I have such supportive and loving parents, who are still married, I never knew how to really accept their love? What if I always felt guilty and selfish to let others' do things to love me? What if I told you that I have always felt very alone and unknown?

A few weeks ago I ran into an old teacher of mine, who was also my dentist growing up, and we got talking about the upcoming anniversary for my K-12 school I grew up at. I was terrified to go because I wanted to run away from ever having been there. So I said something to the effect that I might not go because I'll have my niece with me. And he said "Oh you should bring her anyways and not tell people she's your niece." I asked why in the world I would do that. He said "Oh to see what their reaction would be. You know the person voted to be the least likely person to have a child out of wedlock coming to the anniversary with a little one. It would get some good laughs." Oh, oh, I got mad for so many reasons. But the one thing that went through my head was "I am not above that. I'm not so good that I couldn't possibly fall and find myself pregnant and unmarried." But that's an example of the extent that this pedestal has placed me. What if I really did fall like that? Would it somehow be more shameful for me? The dove who soiled her feathers versus the raven who took a mud-bath. I was so mad! And part of it is that I don't think those around me have ever realized that that pedestal kept me also locked up in shame, that I could never ever seek the help I needed because I was the "good one". So I'm choosing to step off the pedestal and be open and honest with people about my fall into sin, so that someone somewhere can know that God's love is for them too, not just the ones who have "never done anything bad." There is no hierarchy of sin in the kingdom of God - sin is sin.

But, I'm here to say that there is hope and that most of the things we get stuck in or struggle with are a result of our broken understanding of our wholly longing for connection and intimacy with God, and God is not ashamed of our deepest places of brokenness. We sin in relationships because we confuse our longing for God and think that things on earth can satisfy. That the love and intimacy in a marriage can somehow fulfill every dream and desire. That having a child can somehow give fulfillment to one's life. That food, television, drugs, exercise, sleep, sex, pornography, video games, cars, material goods, popularity, money, good looks, etc. can all satisfy. But they are all broken expressions of our longing for connection and intimacy with God. And yet, here's God saying "Let me love you! All of you!"

And believe me, if you would just face the reality of your own humanness and brokenness, your own hidden shame(s) and deepest sin(s) and you turn to God and let Him love you, you will find His love is more than enough for you. And the joy you find in knowing God's unconditional love is really unconditional is absolutely incredible!

So here I am, stepping off my pedestal and saying I am wholeheartedly broken and sinful. I am no different than the next son of Adam or daughter of Eve. I struggle with my sin and humanness every single day. And yet God's grace and love has saved me, has redeemed me, and made me into a new creation. I am God's beloved.