What is the truth?

I'll be honest, life over the past 2 years has been choked with a lot of bitterness, anger, unforgiveness, and fear. After being caught up in the midst of a particular situation at a Christian institution that resulted in a spiral of initially deep personal wounds leading to corporate hemorrhaging I found on a personal level a downward spiral of many of the relationships in my life. I felt hurt and betrayed by many whom I had dedicated so much of my time, energy, focus and heart towards. Some of these were so close I knew them as something deeper than "friend", while others were those whom I had rallied behind, pleaded for before the throne of God, and wept many tears over the struggles that the mantle placed upon their shoulders carried. I had loved, they spit in my face. And it shocked me pretty profoundly. I was ill-prepared or ill-equipped to deal with these kind of relationships. But had I really loved? Something to ponder. Tonight I came home from work emotionally unstable and ready to explode. There have been some needs - relational needs - in my life that have not been met for a long time. And there were fears because of the situations listed above that kept me in the darkness of doubt, believing that it is my mission in life to continually give and I need to not expect or want others to give to me. I've thought numerous times these last couple months that no one is really looking out for me, that no one has my interests in mind or really cares to consider me and my needs, therefore I need to protect myself and look out for myself. I've begun to doubt the good gifts God has given me in the past - even those gifts that ended up being the very thing that spit in my face. Was it really real? I would ask myself. Or was it that they liked me for what I could give to them. "What is the truth" Dad asked me while discussing these things with him tonight. Good question - I guess the only way to really know is to see it with Christ's eyes. The truth is I don't really know who I am. I never quite realized this until this year: I have never ever stepped into my identity as a woman...and often times I haven't stepped into my identity as a Child of God, and for what it's worth I have never stepped into my identity that I am loved and cherished. I don't know who I am. And that has led to so much anxiety and fear in my life - fear that drove me to perform since I was a little girl; insecure in almost every way possible I believed the only way for people to love me was to be "perfect" and I missed out on so much! Dad asked me tonight what I understood my name to mean. I've heard numerous times about the story of how God spoke my name - more exactly the meaning of my name - to my Mom when she was pregnant with me. I was to be named "My God is gracious". I didn't realize until tonight that this was going to be my identity. Dad has told me numerous times that in the Hebrew "gracious" referred to describing someone with power and authority stepping down out of their position of power and authority to serve those beneath them. I had always thought that was a calling on my life, and in many ways it is and has been. But I did not see until tonight when Dad pointed it out that this was who God is to me...to us God's beloved. Jesus left his place of power and authority (and glory and splendor and...) to be in relationship with us...with me - we who are mere dust. Therefore shouldn't we do the same? As one who has been given so much I am to be called to serve, to befriend, those who haven't been given so much. But I can't do that effectively if I hold onto the hurts and bitterness, if I don't have God's presence going with me and before me in that. It's given me new perspective, new hope, and a new determination in this life (something I had lost years ago). Thanks God!