To Seek, Crave, Long...

Today I'm going on a prayer retreat for just a few days. But it's something I've been looking forward to for months now.

There was a point this last winter where a lot of things came to a head. My character was being questioned, I was potentially looking at a diagnosis, was not sleeping well, working too hard, had just dealt with my 3rd abortion call, and God was silent. His presence I could not find. I was not being filled and I was desperate.

It was probably the closest thing I could come to in experiencing hell.

I felt abandoned. I knew in my heart that it couldn't be true because God never does that. But I was so desperate, so in need of His touch, so longing for His voice. Something in my heart broke that day. The pleasure and delight I once took in my time with the Lord was no longer there. I went in and out of depression until I could no longer feel anything but the tenseness in my heart and body. Part of me felt certain that I had failed God. But the other part of me knew He was full of unconditional love and His love for us is not contingent on our actions or thoughts.

Everything inside clammed up and I could not enter into His presence. I could not enter into anyone's presence really. It was as if my connector had fried. Part of me wondered if it was sin, if that was why God was doing this. But another part of me wondered if maybe it was just a growing season. Either way I wasn't happy with how extreme God was going with either route.

I started thinking that if God had brought me here after me saying yes to Him where else might He bring me. The thought terrified me. Looking back now I can see the twisted lie that Satan threw at me with that one. For God does allow pain and suffering to enter into our lives, He gives us that as a promise. But the thousand other promises He made to us was all about His goodness and loving-kindness being lavished upon us. All the while anger and bitterness towards God grew in my heart. It hurt also that some closest to me doubted who I was and no matter how many times I try to apologize or understand where they're coming from they have walked away.

It was a spiritual battle I was in. One I feel God led me through but I'm not too sure how well I did. But now that it's over and the dust has settled, and the clean-up begins I'm still stuck in thinking about how angry and bitter I was at God for leading me to that place. I felt I was right where He wanted me to be. But it makes me scared of myself should God ask me again to be in a place as tough as that one was. Am I willing to go back to the front-lines of the spiritual battle? Am I willing to sustain the battle wounds because He asks me?

But what do I know of the Holy One? The fire and passion of His love, the fierce winds that go before Him. The One who sees my sin and in His Holiness draws me close into His arms. That's what I long for, that's what I crave. I may feel justified in my anger, upset and disappointment in where God lead me and some of the things that happened. But at the end of the day He alone is God, I am not. I cannot seek to understand or know His ways for they are so much higher than mine. I may feel scared that if I continue to say yes to God that He will continue to lead me into things that hurt. Because you know what, He will. BUT He will provide everything I need, He will be with me, He will go before me, He will defend me, He will transform me, He will cause me to rise above the storms of life. He will redeem the brokenness in my life. He will make me beautiful. He will love me when I am unlovable and when everyone in my life is gone. In comparison to the pain and suffering and sorrow I may face on my days here on earth, His love supersedes it all!

So I go on this prayer retreat to rekindle the love, the passion, the delight for God. To pursue the longing of my heart, a longing that leads me to tears some days because I have to wait to hug God. A longing that woos me in my wretchedness and brokenness.

Oh my Beloved, I am coming away with you...