Embracing Who I Am - a Beautiful Mess

After three incredible weeks, really after being a part of an amazing worship time at my Church last Saturday, I finally hit the peak of what I could give physically and a bit emotionally. I knew the tiredness would come, I knew I would find myself at a point of weakness, and I had been preparing for it for three weeks. What I didn't expect was to find myself stumbling and messing up in areas I don't normally mess up in.

First there was the big mistake in the nursery Sunday morning. I knew better. Parents were a bit mad at me. Parents are never mad at me. Eliana wanted to go run and hide in a corner. I've worked in the nursery since I was in fourth grade and I have never felt the weight of that responsibility until I made this mistake. It was a stupid stupid mistake but my tiredness and impatience and I guess my sense of pride that I "knew" what I was doing since I am the veteran of the nursery even though I'm like 14 years younger than everyone else who works in it. The same old patterns of self-condemnation and self-rejection reared it's ugly head and in the midst of the tiredness I found myself falling back into a few old habits.

And then the temptation came, the sin snuck in, and the shame began to fortify itself again in my life. What in the world, why am I regressing?!

My accountability partners and I had a little chat about this, and we're working on formulating a game plan/battle strategy. And most of that plan includes me embracing the reality, again, of my own humanness, fallibility, faults, and mistakes.

Have you ever stood in front of a mirror and gazed at your reflection in all of its fullness. Looking beyond the physical appearance and gazing deeply at who you are, who you really are? Do you like what you see? Have you stared at the one thing you are deeply ashamed about and instead of berating yourself you find yourself thanking God that this place of shame is equally as beautiful and equally as precious as your most loved part about you? Have you found yourself thanking God for all the areas of brokenness because you know it's in those places of brokenness and shame that God's love shines the brightest and is shown to you in the biggest and most profound way?

For example: Many of you who know me know that I desperately need to lose weight. The doctor says I'm morbidly obese. I hate that word. In order to be healthy I need to lose more than half of my current weight. The other day I tried looking at myself in the mirror and in an effort of embracing who I really am I found myself thanking God for all the things I like about my appearance and thanking God that the areas my body is broken in are because I tried to fill their needs and manage them with things that temporarily satisfy instead of inviting God into these areas of brokenness. So I invite God into these places of brokenness and I begin to see the beauty of the flaws, the failures, the mess. I realized that even in the physical part of me God has given me a desire and longing for intimacy and connection with Him, and I loved seeing that the depths of my physical brokenness speak of depths of this desire and longing for God. So I invite God into my physical brokenness and ask the Holy Spirit to begin to work in my life in this area. Currently, I'm down 19 pounds!

Today, instead of shaming yourself for all the ways you should have done things differently or for all the little imperfections or things you don't like about you, could you embrace them? Could you see beyond the surface to see that the depths of brokenness speak of the depths of longing and desire for intimacy and connection with God? Could you invite Him into those shameful and broken places of your lives, thanking Him for the profound way you were made - mess and all - and believe that God could love you, all of you? Could you turn and face God's holiness as broken and as sinful as you are and let Him embrace you fully? Could you begin to cherish and love that side of you that you don't like, that you want to keep hidden, because God loves that side too? Could you begin to challenge yourself to stop "shoulding on yourself" as my counselor would say and begin to thank God that you are flawed and that you need Him? Because let me tell you, when you realize the depth of your need for God you will find that God is capable and willing to meet that need and beyond. Yes, it is a beautiful mess :)

Worship to My King

A few weeks before my big day 3 weeks ago I got an invitation to be a part of the choir for my church's upcoming Feast of Tabernacles celebration. Wasn't sure I wanted to do it at that point. But the morning after my big day three weeks ago I woke up and realized I have this insatiable need and desire to worship constantly. I should do something about that. So I signed up to sing in front of 700+ people.

Last night was the Feast of Tabernacles celebration. And oh, my goodness, we worshiped!

To be standing up on those risers watching everyone worship...how could you not forget you were up there and just worship? The second song we sang was "Revelation Song". I'm standing up there loving singing this song and then I look out over the crowd and everyone is standing, some people dancing, waving palm branches and everyone was singing their heart out to the point where we in the choir could even hear them. So we sang louder.

Did someone open a door or a window? I could have sworn there was a wind blowing through that place. I couldn't stop moving...I think I almost started jumping (up on those risers) and at one point I  let out a delighted laugh in the middle of singing!!

This joy is seriously incredible!! To have the freedom to worship, and in a way that before would have found me wound up in self-criticism. But now, I can't stop worshiping my King!! It didn't matter that I was standing up in front of 700+ people, I was worshiping my King and I got to witness the Holy Spirit moving amongst the people who came to join us. It so seriously blessed me!!

Stepping off my pedestal

Today marks three weeks of this incredible journey with God. So much has changed as I've come face to face with the full reality of my own humanness and sin and found myself being embraced by God in all of His holiness. I've discovered a deep drive and determination to seek out and find others who are locked up in shame as I've discovered such a deep hatred for it in my own life I can't help but hate it in others' lives. I've talked and shared a lot about this topic of shame and brokenness and lots of people have responded and been happy for me, but the point of me writing all of this isn't because I want people to be happy for me. I want people to ponder, to inspect their own lives, to find the courage they need to face their own deepest shame and dare to believe that God could love them with all of that. Dare to believe that what the Bible says about God's love for us is true. I want people to discover this incredible joy that I've found as I presented my deepest shame and darkest sin to God Almighty and He cleansed me and set me free.

But today I want to talk about a different subject. And that is me and the pedestal I've been on since the time I was very very young.

Many of you who know me are probably reading this and thinking "I'm so happy for you Eliana. That is just great news." But you may also be thinking "Good for you, but you're a straight A student, you're a leader, you've never had anything horrible happen to you, you have parents who love you and are completely devoted to you, you've never really done anything that bad. You are all sweetness and kindness, your sins are probably very menial." And I'd like to challenge that thinking...what might possibly have been my motive behind being a straight A student (which only lasted up until college)? What if I told you three weeks ago (the precipitant of all of this) was that I confessed my deepest shame regarding my darkest sin? That yes I've known God and experienced His love my whole life but I never knew joy? What if I told you that being stuck up on a pedestal (at the hands of myself and others) is one of the worst ways to live your life? What if I told you that I fell very very far in my sin but covered it up to be someone people liked? What if I told you a lot of my motivation behind helping people was so that they would accept me with all of my brokenness? What if I told you that even though I have such supportive and loving parents, who are still married, I never knew how to really accept their love? What if I always felt guilty and selfish to let others' do things to love me? What if I told you that I have always felt very alone and unknown?

A few weeks ago I ran into an old teacher of mine, who was also my dentist growing up, and we got talking about the upcoming anniversary for my K-12 school I grew up at. I was terrified to go because I wanted to run away from ever having been there. So I said something to the effect that I might not go because I'll have my niece with me. And he said "Oh you should bring her anyways and not tell people she's your niece." I asked why in the world I would do that. He said "Oh to see what their reaction would be. You know the person voted to be the least likely person to have a child out of wedlock coming to the anniversary with a little one. It would get some good laughs." Oh, oh, I got mad for so many reasons. But the one thing that went through my head was "I am not above that. I'm not so good that I couldn't possibly fall and find myself pregnant and unmarried." But that's an example of the extent that this pedestal has placed me. What if I really did fall like that? Would it somehow be more shameful for me? The dove who soiled her feathers versus the raven who took a mud-bath. I was so mad! And part of it is that I don't think those around me have ever realized that that pedestal kept me also locked up in shame, that I could never ever seek the help I needed because I was the "good one". So I'm choosing to step off the pedestal and be open and honest with people about my fall into sin, so that someone somewhere can know that God's love is for them too, not just the ones who have "never done anything bad." There is no hierarchy of sin in the kingdom of God - sin is sin.

But, I'm here to say that there is hope and that most of the things we get stuck in or struggle with are a result of our broken understanding of our wholly longing for connection and intimacy with God, and God is not ashamed of our deepest places of brokenness. We sin in relationships because we confuse our longing for God and think that things on earth can satisfy. That the love and intimacy in a marriage can somehow fulfill every dream and desire. That having a child can somehow give fulfillment to one's life. That food, television, drugs, exercise, sleep, sex, pornography, video games, cars, material goods, popularity, money, good looks, etc. can all satisfy. But they are all broken expressions of our longing for connection and intimacy with God. And yet, here's God saying "Let me love you! All of you!"

And believe me, if you would just face the reality of your own humanness and brokenness, your own hidden shame(s) and deepest sin(s) and you turn to God and let Him love you, you will find His love is more than enough for you. And the joy you find in knowing God's unconditional love is really unconditional is absolutely incredible!

So here I am, stepping off my pedestal and saying I am wholeheartedly broken and sinful. I am no different than the next son of Adam or daughter of Eve. I struggle with my sin and humanness every single day. And yet God's grace and love has saved me, has redeemed me, and made me into a new creation. I am God's beloved.

You Wont Relent

This week I was encouraged to start reading some of Brennan Manning's works, such as the Ragamuffin Gospel and Abba's Child. I started reading Abba's Child and it is such a beautiful portrayal of a God who loves us as broken vessels, and longs to be in deep intimacy with us. Too many thoughts are going through my head as I read this book, and I really recommend it.

This weekend I have chosen to be a part of a Feast of Tabernacles performance at my Church. I love to sing - love to worship in all forms really - and with all the sudden longing to be in constant worship I found myself wanting and craving to do something like this. We are performing in front of 700+ people and all I can say is I'm excited. I'm doing this for the first time ever without fear of how I perform, fear of being in front of people and without any other form of pretense. And as I prepare to celebrate the feast that is dedicated to the Messiah's coming I find myself drawing closer and closer to God. Honestly, nothing else in this world will satisfy even if they are good and great things! Here's my worship preparation song I've been listening to over and over and over and over this week. I first heard it back in my freshman year when some guy friends challenged me to start believing that God could heal me from my fear of rejection. I would go up to Sem Hill at a time when no one else was out there (mostly late at night) and just lay down on the hill and listen to this song over and over and over. It is one of those songs that really just speak of something deeper and more holy than just simply every day Christianity - it speaks of longing and fulfillment. Be blessed by it!

Beautiful Things

This is what God does! Today, if you are feeling an overwhelming sense of wretchedness, guilt, failure, embarrassment, shame, I implore you to turn to Jesus and risk letting Him love you as you are. You will be surprised to find all the ways that these things, often hidden, that when they come into the light they are made into something so incredibly beautiful and precious (Eph 5:12-14). Now why would God do that unless we are inherently valued and precious. I pray that today you can come face to face with God's amazing and unconditional love. I promise you from my own experience, God will turn your ashes into something beautiful. And please know I am praying for you my readers.

The Invitation

I absolutely love this song!

Every day I'm reminded of my sin and shame. Every day I'm reminded of my brokenness and incapability to redeem myself. Every day I'm reminded I need a Savior. I'm tempted daily to cower in the dark corner, claiming I'm too damaged, too sinful for God to love. Too ashamed of letting God see me. And yet He stands there, arms open wide, heart exposed...calling me, beckoning me, inviting me to risk it all in order to accept His love."Just turn to Me, My precious one. Eliana, just let Me love you."is all He says.

It's scary. To daily face the reality and depth of my sin and shame. To admit before God how incredibly lost I am. That every facet of who I am is guilty. I'm at His mercy alone - the One who holds all the rights to judgment and justice because He alone is holy and only He is good. And yet He invites, beckons me to enter into His holiness as I am. "Just let Me love you." There's no pretense. There's no way I am capable of rectifying my sin, I have to let Him love me as I am.

And when I do turn, knowing who I am, His love pierces my very soul. I turn knowing He alone is the only one who can redeem me. The pierce of His love...the depth of knowing and understanding - that He knows and understands everything about me. My very existence is consumed in His love. The pierce of His love...deep into my very soul...it permeates every corner of my being. And the deeper it permeates the more it shatters every remnant of sin and shame. It washes, cleanses, makes me new. His radical, unconditional love makes me new. My very guilt erased, never to be judged again. I am wrecked by His love and raised to a new life in Him.

I am loved, embraced in His holiness. Oh what joy does my very being sing!!! Can you feel it? Can you see it? Do you know this Love?

Isaiah 61

1The Spirit of the Sovereign Lord is on me,

because the Lord has anointed me

to proclaim good news to the poor.

He has sent me to bind up the brokenhearted,

to proclaim freedom for the captives

and release from darkness for the prisoners,^a

2to proclaim the year of the Lord’s favor

and the day of vengeance of our God,

to comfort all who mourn,

3and provide for those who grieve in Zion—

to bestow on them a crown of beauty

instead of ashes,

the oil of joy

instead of mourning,

and a garment of praise

instead of a spirit of despair.

They will be called oaks of righteousness,

a planting of the Lord

for the display of his splendor.

4They will rebuild the ancient ruins

and restore the places long devastated;

they will renew the ruined cities

that have been devastated for generations.

5Strangers will shepherd your flocks;

foreigners will work your fields and vineyards.

6And you will be called priests of the Lord,

you will be named ministers of our God.

You will feed on the wealth of nations,

and in their riches you will boast.

7Instead of your shame

you will receive a double portion,

and instead of disgrace

you will rejoice in your inheritance.

And so you will inherit a double portion in your land,

and everlasting joy will be yours.

8“For I, the Lord, love justice;

I hate robbery and wrongdoing.

In my faithfulness I will reward my people

and make an everlasting covenant with them.

9Their descendants will be known among the nations

and their offspring among the peoples.

All who see them will acknowledge

that they are a people the Lord has blessed.”

10I delight greatly in the Lord;

my soul rejoices in my God.

For he has clothed me with garments of salvation

and arrayed me in a robe of his righteousness,

as a bridegroom adorns his head like a priest,

and as a bride adorns herself with her jewels.

11For as the soil makes the sprout come up

and a garden causes seeds to grow,

so the Sovereign Lord will make righteousness

and praise spring up before all nations.

My Heart is Full

My heart is so full right now with all the love and joy that the Lord is pouring into me. Something has possessed me these last few weeks; suddenly I find myself stepping into something I never in my wildest dreams saw myself stepping into. Something bigger than I ever dreamed. Honestly, I don't know what the next step is, but I know I have this drive in my heart to worship (constantly) and I have this drive to seek out and help others locked away in shame. Because I know what it's like to stand before the throne of God bearing my greatest shame and being embraced with a radical, unconditional love.

I find myself no longer afraid. I've always been afraid. Afraid of what people would say or do if I didn't behave. Afraid of what would happen if I failed. Afraid of what would happen if I didn't do 110% in everything - including my occupation aspirations. Afraid to let others down. Afraid to hurt others. Afraid of not being perfect. Afraid of admitting my needs and desires - both good and bad. And afraid of being hurt. But as soon as I experienced this joy and freedom it was gone. Gone are the nights I stayed up recounting all the things I had done imperfectly, things I regretted. Gone is the tightness in my chest at the thought of what others think of me. Gone is the headache that has been my constant companion, reminding me that I need to analyze everything I say and do so people like me. Gone is the tingling and itch of my skin screaming to let me out and run away from who I am. I hated myself for so long, and I defined who I was by how people perceived me and the things I accomplished.

Now my nights are filled with worship - I stay up as late as I can just to listen to worship songs all the time. I love going to work because I get to leave early and stop off at my favorite park to either sit on the beach and spend time with God or take a short walk. I find myself weeping because of the joy that is exploding in my life. And it's only the start. I find myself not eating as much, and not needing as much sleep. I find myself getting more repulsed at the taste of coffee - which has sometimes been the only thing to get me up in the morning. And now I can drink half a cup and go all day without being tired. Last night I couldn't even finish a small bowl of my favorite chocolate ice cream - it tasted repulsive, something it never ever has. And I witnessed all three digits on the scale change for the better just this past week, as I was surprised to find I've lost 14lbs (and probably 15lbs now) within the last month and a half.

I've found myself for the first time embracing and enjoying who I am as a woman. This drive to find and make all things beautiful, to nurture, and to bless. To take off my shoes and just stand in a lake in 45 degree temperatures simply because that is my something beautiful, the place where I feel closest to God. To let my hair down simply because I love the feel of the cool breeze as it gently blows my hair. To examine the autumn leaves in all their splendor. And to just hold and snuggle my little nieces and delight in the beauty of who they are as a person. To cook and bake for others simply because it nourishes and cares for myself and others; to clean because it beautifies. To put on make-up because it accentuates that which is already there. To hug and embrace in appreciation and love, speaking heart to heart in companionship and delighting in what God is doing and restoring in each others' lives.

He really will "yet fill your mouth with laughter, and your lips with shouts of joy" (Job 8:21). And all this because I threw off shame (and am still working at throwing it off), confessed my deepest sin, repented and let God love me as I am. And even though I have to do this daily, continue to face my sin and shame and say:“I have been crucified with Christ; it is no longer I who live, but Christ lives in me; and the life which I now live in the flesh I live by faith in the Son of God, who loved me and gave Himself for me” (Gal. 2:20), and "Therefore, there is now no condemnation for those who are in Christ Jesus." (Rom 8:1)  this magnificent joy and communion with God is worth it all.

Worth It All

 YES!!!!!!!!!!!!

God Loves Us!

"How Deep the Father's Love" by Philips, Craig and Dean

Oh precious Jesus...how long until we grasp this, truly grasp the weight of your love. And what you did on the Cross...Can the mind ever truly know this side of heaven? Can we ever fully grasp the pain our sin caused you?...Can we ever fully grasp the depth of what it means that you forgave us? That we, but dust, have been adopted into Your family...

That we, tainted as we are, would be embraced by Your Majesty and Holiness because of the price You paid...

Words fail me...

No More Shame!!

As human beings, we live in a broken world. People are broken, nature is broken, systems are broken, governments are broken...nothing is as it should be. The work that Jesus did on the Cross was the start of redeeming that which man broke when sin entered into the world through Adam and Eve. That means we have this promise, this hope that God will make all things new. And that starts with humans.

We as humans all sin. We've all been tainted by sin and cannot do enough to cleanse us of our sins in order to be made right in God's sight. So Jesus did that for us, by cleansing us with his blood.

Something this past week that I've discovered is that most of the time we find ourselves stuck in sin because we cannot get over our sense of shame. If you've ever been stuck in sin and/or addiction - food, drugs, alcohol, internet, television, sexual addictions, etc., you've probably (albeit very simplistically) noticed that there's a sense of "Well, I've already failed, I'm already guilty. May as well keep doing it." And you're constantly afraid of what would happen to you if people really knew. I think the Church has done a good job of alienating people into thinking that they shouldn't struggle with sin after they've come to Christ. Which isn't true - it's more of a journey, a race toward the finish. Where the finish line is us being made complete and whole. It's almost as if this idea that Christians shouldn't sin, shouldn't struggle, and if they do God will give them complete healing (which He does, but not always) is exacerbating the problems. Maybe I need more faith, maybe I need to deny myself more, maybe I should just stuff these feelings, maybe I should just bury these temptations, maybe I should cease to realize that I am still human.

And before you know it, you've closeted away the beautiful person God made you to be...the very person God wants to embrace wholeheartedly and unconditionally. Sin, struggles, imperfections and all...

This past week God has given me a heart for others locked away in shame. Shame..the very thing that kept me trapped in my sin...shame...the very thing that tells me/us I/we can never be good enough to be in God's presence. Why in the world would God want us when we are so incredibly tainted by sin!? But He does...and that's what makes God so great...is that He WANTS and LONGS for us to turn to Him and let Him love us, accept His love because we KNOW we are imperfect, damaged, broken, and sinful.

We all sin, and because we all sin I cannot judge the next person because I'm just as guilty. Even as a Christian. But God has paid the price for my sin and so I believe in His grace, His redemption, and His salvation. And because of this, I want others to know about God's grace and believe in Him as their Lord and Savior. Therefore I say to you, my readers, do away with shame!! Don't let it twist your mind any longer about who God is. Don't let shame deceive you into seeing you as anything less than "very good" in God's sight because you failed. Don't let shame be the thing that keeps you closeted away and incapable of entering into communion with God and with others.

I want people to see - I hate shame!! It has stolen so much from my life, it has kept me from receiving the more abundant life (John 10:10), and it has kept me in bondage for so many years. I hate shame!! It is probably the biggest tool Satan has to take us down and out.

If you are held down by shame, please I implore you, do everything within your power to get yourself free from shame!! Because when shame is gone the sin loses it's grip and power over your life as it comes face to face with who God is. Go see a Christian counselor, talk to a pastor, tell a safe and trusted friend, and go to God with the shame and sin. Yes repentance and confession are hard - VERY HARD!!! But believe me, you'd be surprised what joy comes on the other side!

Blessings!!

P.S.  Courtesy of my counselor I've added links to two TED talks on shame and vulnerability by Brene Brown: www.ted.com/talks/brene_brown_on_vulnerability.html and
http://www.ted.com/talks/brene_brown_listening_to_shame.html

Jeremy Camp "Overcome"

His Grace is Sufficient

After last week's confession followed by an incredible weekend of having my first REAL taste of joy I had a difficult day yesterday. I knew something like this was coming. I knew I would be asked to delve deeper into my sin, face it head on, in all it's ugly and horrendous detail, and try to find God's truth in the midst of it. To face the weight of my shame and how much damage it has done to me and my relationships. And how painful it's been to God. And yet, here's God saying "Eliana, turn and face me. Let Me embrace you. Let Me love you."

"We are all infected and impure with sin. When we display our righteous deeds, they are nothing but filthy rags. Like autumn leaves, we wither and fall, and our sins sweep us away like the wind." Isaiah 64:6


How could God want to love me when I've actively chosen to participate in something so ugly? How could God still choose to say "You're mine!" I am wholly unworthy. And yet when I look at the Cross I see His grace; that His love and the blood of Christ is more than sufficient to cover and redeem me from my sin. That He paid the price...a price that I know in full value now. Satan wants me to believe that my sin is too great, that the effects are too permanent, that I am too broken...that God's grace and the blood Jesus shed on the Cross is not enough. But when I look back over all the years I have been trapped in this sin I see God relentlessly pursuing me, fighting for me, leading me to this place I am in. God has done so much to show me His great love in all of this.

He even went so far as to impress on my parents' hearts before I was born to give me a middle name that means exactly what I am now currently fighting to get. It's my identity and my testimony. And it's a gift that God is working tirelessly to build up and establish in my own life.

How could His grace, how could the cost of His blood not be enough if God has shown me that He has worked and paid so much to get me free of my sin? To claim that it's not enough would be to claim Satan is equal if not greater to God and disqualify the truth of the Gospel that God has no equal (and that includes equal and opposite comparisons). See Isaiah 40 :)

And the amazing thing is that because of the blood of Jesus I am now made clean and adopted into God's family - heir of God and co-heir with Christ (Rom. 8:17)!! My sins now forgotten, my shame now erased. I am a new creation; pleasing and beautiful in God's sight...

God makes all things beautiful in its time. And He has set eternity in the hearts of man, yet they cannot fathom what God has done from beginning to end. Ecclesiastes 3:11

Joy!

I've been impressed this last weekend at how my blog seemed to have exploded out of nowhere. For three days I watched the tallies hit 30, 40 and even 50 visits a day! Even if it's just for one weekend and I never see these numbers again just know that you, my readers, blessed me so immensely!!

These last few days have been a mind-boggling experience for me. To think that this day last week I was unable to sleep, shaking, running through my head what I should and should not say regarding something that needed desperately to be dealt with. And then to all of a sudden, upon confession, come face to face - for REAL - with the unconditional LOVE of God in spite of my deepest shame and come out the other side experiencing joy for the first time in my life. And to be offered hope that I can overcome...it REALLY blew me away. I've known for most of my life that this is who God is, but until I really experienced it for myself I could not know it for myself. And it wasn't like there was a big moment, where BOOM, I all of a sudden had a revelation (like my testimony when in an instant God healed me from depression). It was like a long, gentle hug that slowly got firmer and more real...

After Friday morning I found myself experiencing an incredible desire to worship...all the time. I could not sleep because I would wake up (pretty much every 2 hours), feeling like I could cry because I was so happy, and just hungering to go for a walk and worship, put on some worship music and just be with Jesus. And this has been a perpetual thing. Saturday when I was at work I was so antsy to get done for the day because I could then go to my favorite park and just walk until the sun set and worship. On Sunday when I had signed up to cover a co-worker's 8 hour shift (despite my prior commitment to not work on Sundays) my co-worker and supervisor let me go early so I could get to Vespers at Bethel on time. And the weirdest experience of all was leaving church Sunday morning, driving down highway 10 listening to Francesca Battestelli's "Beautiful, Beautiful" at full blast and I just started weeping because I was soooo happy! Really, truly, I'm experiencing joy for the first time in my life.

I remember five years ago waking up and realizing I don't know that I've ever felt joy. I think that was the first time I prayed that I could develop the fruit of joy in my life. For almost three years now I've had scripture verses posted next to my bedside such as Job 8:21:

"He will yet fill your mouth with laughter and your lips with shouts of joy."

These verses have been a reminder and a promise through so much difficulty, heartache and fear I've experienced over the last couple years. And I can say that this verse in Job really came true for me this weekend. And even though I've slowed down a bit in my expression (as I finally got some sleep) I still am in this perpetual state of joy.

I've thought back over the years of everything that has brought me to this point of seeking the help I needed. Of all the times I was really scared of getting prayed over, spoken over, or ministered to for fear that they would find out my sin. But God didn't reveal this to them - instead he pursued me with His love every single time, knowing I was guilty of this sin and shame. God could have easily revealed this to anyone - He had every right to - but instead He treated me with loving kindness. And when it really became important to start dealing with my sin He was the one who TOLD me to tell a specific person, and every single time it was the best person to confess to. And it was God, who this WHOLE time has been telling me "Just let me love you!"It really is the Lord's kindness that draws us to repentance.

All these new experiences are very uncharacteristic of me. I've started wanting to do things well not because someone requires it of me (and if I didn't do it perfectly, well then I would be shamed) but because I want to bless people and bless God. I've wanted to wake up early, not nap as long,  and instead go for a walk or listen to worship music. I've started having less coffee because I simply don't feel I need the coffee; I also haven't been as hungry for most of this past month but especially this past weekend. Sunday I actually had a friend tell me I've lost weight, to which I promptly denied because I just didn't notice anything different. Well Monday morning I was shocked to find I had lost 13 pounds within the last 1.5 months and I didn't even know it!

But this joy, oh this joy I'm finally experiencing...it's life altering. I think I finally understand the difference between happiness and joy. Happiness is situational, circumstantial and is an emotion. It is a reaction to things in life and is really, really good but it is not joy. Joy instead is an all-consuming state of being that can be present in any and every situation and circumstance. It doesn't make sense sometimes how someone can be joyful. But joy...it flows out of a heart that knows it's unconditionally loved. What a beautiful and majestic God we serve!!!!

Blessings!

Hiddenness

A few months ago I was given an opportunity to have a Sozo ministry time from a former teacher of mine and her best friend. It was a profound time for me as it marks the end of this period of time where I couldn't hear God. While receiving this ministry there were a lot of things that God brought up and actually spoke or "showed" me in various visions about emotions, dealings with people, different "thorns" and "weeds" that I had been trying to kill for years and yet they still kept coming back. The lingo isn't really what matters, my point was that God revealed himself to me in so many facets of my life - it was a very overwhelming time, in a very good way. But one of the things that stood out, and has been brought back to my remembrance since Friday, is this awareness of "hiddenness" or being hidden.

Pslams 27:5 "For he will conceal me there when trouble comes; he will hide me in his sanctuary. He will place me out of reach on a high rock" (NLT) or the NIV "For in the day of trouble he will keep me safe in his dwelling; he will hide me in the shelter of his sacred tent and set me high upon a rock." During my Sozo I had a vision about myself - it was actually one I had had since I was little - but it was of me as a small flower trying to grow in the midst of rocky, sometimes sandy, and sometimes dry clay soil. I was exposed, sometimes blown around by the wind, and often living in drought conditions. I was growing but I wasn't thriving. I don't know how many years of my life I've spent feeling like that but all I knew was God kept coming back to water me and that's why I kept growing. But there were all these conditions going on around me that kept keeping me from thriving. And I realized during this time that I could have easily asked God to transplant me but I never did, I just accepted that this was going to be my life.

As my former teacher (who I would consider a good friend) walked me through this she asked me to ask Jesus what He wants to do about it. Next thing I know I'm seeing this same flower, me, planted in a meadow, on a hillside, with various trees surrounding me - sheltering, supporting and protecting me from the winds that sometimes blew. And when the winds did blow it was a delight because I was strong and safe, hidden and sheltered from their full force. And when the sun beat down on me I had enough nourishment and hydration to delight in that as well.

What Jesus continued to show me is that even when the circumstances in my life in this physical world are beyond what I think I can handle God has placed me,who I really am, in this safe place. I have been hidden. 

Well when this last Friday came, I knew I was stepping into a battle. I knew I was starting to fight to win back territory that I let Satan and my own sin control and to break some chains that have held me down, kept me in the accuser's grasp for a long time. And usually when you enter into that kind of situation there's some kick back. But then God just reminded me that I have been hidden. That in those dry and weary times He kept me going, that He provided people in my life who have been there, and that He was the one who wants to transplant me.

God's will for us is to see us thrive. Sometimes that means He has to let some storms come through just so we can come to realize who He is. Sometimes He lets us stumble and fall because we have free will, and the only way for us to realize we need a Savior is to come to grasp the reality of our own humanness. But He also hides and shelters us, who we really are in essence, in His presence - in His dwelling place. That is where Satan CAN NEVER reach you. Our bodies, minds, relationships, and even spirits can have terrible things happen to us - at others' hands and at our own hand. And yet, when you are in Christ, when you have surrendered your life to Him and plead the blood of Jesus over you and believe in His salvation, YOU are hidden and out of reach of any and all harm. And because of that, you can't help but thrive.

Break Every Chain

Goodness I think I've listened to this song about 20 times today. I love this song! As I begin a new journey to freedom this is the song that is pouring forth from the depth of my heart.

Being OK with Being Alone

I'm amazed at what God is doing in my heart.

Just a few months ago I would get home from my morning shift at work (4:45am wake-up calls are not fun), grab a bite to eat for a second breakfast, and go back to bed. Then I would get up two hours later and seek out stuff I could buy at a store, or go and hang out with my niece for a few hours until around 7p when Mom and Dad would get home from work and then I could go home for supper, watch a movie, and go to bed. I couldn't be alone at home. I would get anxious. Anxious at my own frailties, anxious about temptations, anxious that if I stayed home I would be forgotten, and anxious at the responsibilities that were expected of me. I remember when I was younger I would beg my parents to make sure they are home by 5p. But then I gave up and gave in that this was just going to be my life - an extrovert living an introverts dream. I hated being alone at home.

Now, especially this past week, I haven't been able to nap because I've been either desperate to be alone with God or excited to go out and walk and listen to worship music. I was also given a task to read a book on boundaries and I remember getting home from work and thinking "Oh, I get to be alone and read my book!" What?! I want to be alone? My parents would come home and I was sitting there reading my book on Kindle and they'd be like "Are you OK? You're very quiet." And my response would be "Oh yes, I'm reading my book." or "Oh yes, I'm listening to worship songs." Haha! Characteristically, if I was quiet I was either depressed, stewing in my own negative thoughts, or just given up on my life ever being what I hoped and dreamed it could be.

I think it's because I'm learning to accept God's love despite my not being "good enough." The last few days I've been hungering to do the exercise I mentioned in my last post. And over the last 24 hours I've been in a constant state of wanting to cry because God loves me, all of me. I've never been a joyful person but the last 24 hours I've found so much joy that I can't get enough time to talk to God, I can't get enough time to go spend time in worship, and I can't get enough of pondering ideas on how I could bless people I know. I've always wanted to serve and bless others, but now it's like I'm soooo excited to do things to bless others. I'm finding myself getting free for one of the first times in my life and it makes me so excited to do the hard things in order to get even more free! Oh, yup here come the tears...

And it's nothing I can do, I got myself stuck, I made some poor choices, and I lived in shame. That we could turn to God as poor and as in need of a savior and He would say "You're forgiven." "You are free" and "I will make you whole; into something completely new!" When we were wholly responsible for the cost of our sin, and should have paid the punishment, He paid it for us! And then He goes and makes us royalty...how could we not want to serve and dedicate our whole lives to this Love!? Yes, I'm learning to enjoy the fruit of joy and I'm OK with being alone because my Prince of Peace is right there with me - and I'm craving being with Him more and more. Yes, oh sweet Jesus...

An Exercise in Accepting Jesus' Love

A year ago when I was struggling with a lot of shame, regret, hurt and frustration God gave me this little exercise to do.


It's been hard sometimes to accept God's love knowing that even as a Christian I sin, big time! One night when I was really bad off I heard God say to me "let Me love you!" over and over and over again. And believe me, I wanted to but I was ashamed. I will always turn to God and seek to serve Him - but sometimes I serve as a servant or even a slave rather than a daughter. And I told God as much.
His response - "Eliana, just accept my love even knowing that you sin!"

Then it happened...I saw in a very clear vision that there I was cowering in a corner, turning my face away from God who was standing just a few feet away with arms wide open and beaming with love. And I could not look at Him, I was too ashamed. 

"Listen, do you trust that I love you?"

"Yes."

"Then just turn around and face me. You don't have to open your eyes. You don't even have to turn around for very long. Just turn around for as long as you can handle."

I watched myself turn around, forcing myself to face God for as long as I could handle. Oh it hurt, in such a glorious and beautiful way. His love piercing my very soul and I could only handle it for a little time. And the more I turned around, the longer I could handle it, and the more I grew to love doing it.

Last week as I was writing in my journal on some things I felt a great deal of shame over God told me to do the turning exercise again. But this time it was different. Here's how the conversation went:

"Eliana, turn towards Me."

"I can't God!"

"Eliana, turn towards Me."

"I would love to God, but I cant!"

"Eliana, just turn towards Me and let Me love you!"

"Oh Lord, but you'll see my sin."

"No...your sin will see Me."

WOAH! I turned around so quickly it was amazing! Did you hear that? We're so locked up in shame that we think that somehow we have to keep God (who bore ALL of our sin on the cross when Jesus died) away from us and our sin. The veil was torn, Christ stepped into our sin and took care of it's cost with His own blood. He can handle our sin! He can handle knowing that we fell and He will still love us! I hope someone somewhere, even if it's just myself, can utilize this exercise. It really is powerful.

"Turn your eyes upon Jesus. Look full in His wonderful face."

Blessings!!!

"I'm Gonna Make Some Demons Squirm Today!"

Crazy name for a title, I know!  But this was the first thing that popped into my head as I woke up from my sleepless night (or more my alarm clock went off and I gave up trying to fight to get to sleep). Today was a confession day for me and boy was I scared! But there's something about confession that completely demolishes the power of sin and the devil. It's like you've turned around and told those demons, told that sin, or told the devil himself "This is not your territory, never was your territory, and will never be your territory!" As scared as I was I could just picture those little demons starting to quake. They probably said to themselves "What is she doing? Oh crap! What are we going to do? We gotta stop her - stop her I said!" Lol! (Insert cheeky grin here).

There's something about silence and solitude that is a breeding ground for sin. We never were made to be in isolation or separation, we were meant to be in community - and this is another reason why. Of all the times I let a sin get a foothold it was when I was alone. Because we pay attention to that sin in isolation when we are with people we perseverate on "What if they knew!?" And then we can never feel free to be real and authentic with people, and it steals joy from our lives leaving us with shame. That's just the way Satan wants it! Did you know that? Did I know that?

I wonder what would happen if I woke up with that mentality every day - that I'm gonna make some demons squirm today. I've never really thought much about it, but that's the kind of authority Christ gave us. That we could be effective and powerful enough to stand, covered in His blood, and march towards the gates of hell and they will crumble. Powerful stuff! Think on that today as you face your own humanness - that just by confessing you can thwart the plans of the enemy of your soul who is looking for anyway to take you down and out.

Blessings!!