Joy!

I've been impressed this last weekend at how my blog seemed to have exploded out of nowhere. For three days I watched the tallies hit 30, 40 and even 50 visits a day! Even if it's just for one weekend and I never see these numbers again just know that you, my readers, blessed me so immensely!!

These last few days have been a mind-boggling experience for me. To think that this day last week I was unable to sleep, shaking, running through my head what I should and should not say regarding something that needed desperately to be dealt with. And then to all of a sudden, upon confession, come face to face - for REAL - with the unconditional LOVE of God in spite of my deepest shame and come out the other side experiencing joy for the first time in my life. And to be offered hope that I can overcome...it REALLY blew me away. I've known for most of my life that this is who God is, but until I really experienced it for myself I could not know it for myself. And it wasn't like there was a big moment, where BOOM, I all of a sudden had a revelation (like my testimony when in an instant God healed me from depression). It was like a long, gentle hug that slowly got firmer and more real...

After Friday morning I found myself experiencing an incredible desire to worship...all the time. I could not sleep because I would wake up (pretty much every 2 hours), feeling like I could cry because I was so happy, and just hungering to go for a walk and worship, put on some worship music and just be with Jesus. And this has been a perpetual thing. Saturday when I was at work I was so antsy to get done for the day because I could then go to my favorite park and just walk until the sun set and worship. On Sunday when I had signed up to cover a co-worker's 8 hour shift (despite my prior commitment to not work on Sundays) my co-worker and supervisor let me go early so I could get to Vespers at Bethel on time. And the weirdest experience of all was leaving church Sunday morning, driving down highway 10 listening to Francesca Battestelli's "Beautiful, Beautiful" at full blast and I just started weeping because I was soooo happy! Really, truly, I'm experiencing joy for the first time in my life.

I remember five years ago waking up and realizing I don't know that I've ever felt joy. I think that was the first time I prayed that I could develop the fruit of joy in my life. For almost three years now I've had scripture verses posted next to my bedside such as Job 8:21:

"He will yet fill your mouth with laughter and your lips with shouts of joy."

These verses have been a reminder and a promise through so much difficulty, heartache and fear I've experienced over the last couple years. And I can say that this verse in Job really came true for me this weekend. And even though I've slowed down a bit in my expression (as I finally got some sleep) I still am in this perpetual state of joy.

I've thought back over the years of everything that has brought me to this point of seeking the help I needed. Of all the times I was really scared of getting prayed over, spoken over, or ministered to for fear that they would find out my sin. But God didn't reveal this to them - instead he pursued me with His love every single time, knowing I was guilty of this sin and shame. God could have easily revealed this to anyone - He had every right to - but instead He treated me with loving kindness. And when it really became important to start dealing with my sin He was the one who TOLD me to tell a specific person, and every single time it was the best person to confess to. And it was God, who this WHOLE time has been telling me "Just let me love you!"It really is the Lord's kindness that draws us to repentance.

All these new experiences are very uncharacteristic of me. I've started wanting to do things well not because someone requires it of me (and if I didn't do it perfectly, well then I would be shamed) but because I want to bless people and bless God. I've wanted to wake up early, not nap as long,  and instead go for a walk or listen to worship music. I've started having less coffee because I simply don't feel I need the coffee; I also haven't been as hungry for most of this past month but especially this past weekend. Sunday I actually had a friend tell me I've lost weight, to which I promptly denied because I just didn't notice anything different. Well Monday morning I was shocked to find I had lost 13 pounds within the last 1.5 months and I didn't even know it!

But this joy, oh this joy I'm finally experiencing...it's life altering. I think I finally understand the difference between happiness and joy. Happiness is situational, circumstantial and is an emotion. It is a reaction to things in life and is really, really good but it is not joy. Joy instead is an all-consuming state of being that can be present in any and every situation and circumstance. It doesn't make sense sometimes how someone can be joyful. But joy...it flows out of a heart that knows it's unconditionally loved. What a beautiful and majestic God we serve!!!!

Blessings!