When "But God" Happens

It's been a crazy year (on the 16th) for me. And today was another crazy step as I have been accepted to work at Medica as a Provider Services Coordinator. And to top it off my last and final exam for getting into grad school is this Saturday and I am nervous to say the least. BUT I know that whatever happens, all of this last year - everything it entailed - was for God's glory.

Last year at this time I was spiraling, ever spiraling, down a destructive trajectory. A trajectory that almost caused me to turn away from the church, myself, my family and friends and God. I was certain that God had forgotten about me, I was certain that my path for my life was never going to entail anything good. I have never given up in my life, but this time last year I was so beaten down in life that I had accepted a "whatever happens, happens" mentality, laid down and just accepted whatever came. I had pretty much given up...no, honestly I think I did give up. I didn't even recognize myself anymore and was falling apart internally, much less externally incapable of doing much of anything (and I was trying to get into Physician Assistant school).

But God happened...

I told God I'm giving Him one last shot before I throw in the towel on church and in many ways Him. So on the 16th of July, 2014 I went to a three-hour prayer session called Sozo healing prayer. And God did the equivalent of massive reconstructive surgery. I didn't even pray about whether or not I should go for this, or even asked God for anything before this. I just kinda showed up and walked out completely different.

Then on the 21st of July, 2014, I walked into my counselor's office. Never believing or even envisioning the transformation, the impact this experience would have on me. I didn't even pray about it. And yet, God's hand has been on this down to the tiniest details. Honestly. There are times when I could have sworn God and my counselor sat down to have a meeting together about me and exchanged notes. My counselor has even said that he says things without even knowing why he was saying them. Seriously? If I had had my way I never ever would have gone to a counselor, much less one of the male gender because of my fear of men. But God happened. And I honestly, I couldn't think of anyone more perfect for the job than him.

Over the last year I have wrestled with so much stuff. It's amazing how incredibly complex we humans are, how deep we go - beyond what evolution, science or biology is capable of doing. As beings who are made in the image of God I think that's how it's supposed to be. But in one year's time, the number of things God has worked through in my heart and life has been mind-blowing. The biggest was learning to trust. Learning that God was safe to trust, how to trust Him, and how to trust other people. And in doing so, I have walked down the path of "risk" and come out stronger and more capable than I ever was before. I changed churches. I changed career paths. I learned to live in vulnerability within community. I learned to trust my closest friends. I learned how to let people care for me (haha, I learned how to care for myself). I learned to trust my counselor (OK the truth was I was scared to trust but God went out of His way to tell me to trust him). I'm learning how to do boundaries. How to balance empathy. How to be an adult.

I learned the exhilaration of facing problems head on, wrestling with the deep, difficult things in my heart and life. Sometimes I can't get enough of doing this because the growth and the freedom that comes as a result of it is so fulfilling and joy-producing that I want to keep charging ahead. One result of doing this is that I have now lost 55lbs!!

As I look back over this last year, one little thing I notice is that if God had not stepped in and changed the trajectory of my life I would not have stepped into adulthood. Developmentally this needed to happen now if I was ever going to have a successful, fulfilling life. Because "but God" happened, the effects of stuff that happened growing up that was hindering my development have been hindered. What Satan intended for evil, God intended for good. And I'm walking in so much freedom because of it! I never would have thought God would fight so hard to change my life. And the speed and trajectory on this new route He has taken me down has been anything but remarkable. And here I stand, the night before my last step and no matter what happens tomorrow God will be glorified! It's not about how many mountain-top experiences I've had, nor how many victories are won or "happy endings" are penned. It's about God's faithfulness and my obedience to letting Him be Lord of my life. And as much as I would like to take the cheers and hi-fives for all the accomplishments and victories won this last year I can't. Because it's all for God's glory! I trust His leading, I trust that my responsibility is being faithful and obedient. And I trust that God is capable of getting me right where He wants me to be, because that's what comes when "but God" happens.

The Struggle with Brokenness

I recently spent time with a friend where we spent a good two hours talking about God and most of it was situated around the concept of "brokenness". How is it manifested in our own lives, how does the message of the cross change brokenness in the world, and how incredibly difficult it is to not allow brokenness to be a part of our identity?

Most Christians would agree that before sin entered the world there was no brokenness and after sin came into the world everything was broken. Nothing was as it was designed to be. Nothing. And I think somewhere in our hearts, ingrained in the core of our very being, all people would say that the things they are passionate about (say for social justice) are because they know that they are not as they should be. That they know there has to be something better out there.

I see people doing this all the time, where they see something that isn't working and try to fix it. But the truth is that nothing in this world can ever be truly made better. And that realization drives me and I know a lot of other people insane. That we are incapable of fixing the brokenness in this world. We are incapable of fixing the brokenness in our communities, in our homes, in our churches, in our government systems, in our finances, in the natural world around us, in ourselves. And it's because there is something deeper at stake here, something deeper at play that moves, flows, breathes and bursts forth within our world that says all brokenness can only be dealt with, changed and transformed by redemption. All brokenness can be made new and indeed is now being made new.

Just over a year ago I would have told you that the only way to lose weight was by diet and exercise. Which it is. However, the true message behind this is that you have to make the spiritual connection with God a priority first and then everything else falls in line. That the trinitarian make up of us humans as body, mind and spirit means that if our body is out of line then we need to focus on making sure that the spiritual is in line first before we even attempt the physical. Because the beautiful thing about our bodies is that what we experience physically is only a manifestation of something much deeper - that which we experience spiritually. We are embodied souls. When we crave food, we in that same craving, in our spirits, crave fulfillment in God. When we long to touch and connect with others around us, our spirits, in that same longing, really actually long for connection with God.

So going back to social justice or other societal problems, I see a hunger and longing in all of us for that which was as it was "designed to be." We as humans long for the world be as it was before sin and brokenness entered the world. So we fix and we try to create new systems in our societies to deal with the brokenness. And a lot of times things do end up getting better but the brokenness is still there. Because the systems can't be redeem by our own works. They can't bring life to that which is dead. We long for the life and the beauty that existed before sin. We cope, we manage and control, we compromise and often we pour Jesus into the mix and stir, with a dash of scripture here and there to back it up. When really we miss God's heart and what He really did on the cross. We miss His redeeming work.

Any good parent would tell you that when they tell their child not to do something that they are doing it out of a heart of love towards their child. But all the child hears is "don't". And like children still stuck in our black and white mentalities we do the same with God. We don't hear the message behind His "don't", we fail to hear His heart, we fail to listen to His heartbeat for the world. We fail to comprehend that God is happy. We fail to comprehend that He really likes us, not just loves us. Because we are so caught up in the law that lead to death. We fail to move beyond our brokenness and step into the law of Grace.

Yes the Law is still in effect, it was never dismantled or destroyed. It was fulfilled. Which means when we come to Christ we move BEYOND that dividing line (that is bridged by the cross) and step into the law of Grace, which leads to life. And in the law of Grace is where REDEMPTION happens. Redemption means to bring something to it's full value. You can't fix something enough to bring it to full value. You shatter a piece of china and you fix it with the utmost perfection, but because it was broken it will never have it's full value in price ever again. The only way to bring something to it's full value is to make it new. Something we humans are incapable of doing. Only the Spirit of Christ at work in our own lives and in the world around us is capable of the work of redeeming. Only God can make something dead be brought to life. Only God can redeem our brokenness and turn the most shattered pieces of our lives into a mosaic of beauty. And He promised that He will. But not everything will be fully redeemed here on earth - so we wait for the day of the Lord's returning. But since the cross, God has been at work redeeming the entire world, and it starts with us humans. We who are made in the image of God.

So again, I look at the ways society is trying to manage the brokenness and the tensions at play around that brokenness. I see the struggle between right and wrong, the questioning of morality at play and how the church plays into this. And I don't really want to get into choosing sides because the real question at stake in dealing with the brokenness and the systems that are made to help fix that which is broken is whether or not Jesus is in it. Is Jesus brought into it, or is Jesus at the center of it? Because until we understand God's heart we will continue to miss the point. The wanting things the way they were designed to be is at the core of who we are but it's also at the core of who God is too. The longing to do something about the brokenness flows from His heart. But what's even greater is that His heart doesn't want things just fixed, he wants them made new. He wants them redeemed.

And if His best for us is for things to be redeemed how do we play into that? I'm not really sure how, but what I do know is that this means we need to strive for things that reflect our new identity in Christ. And part of that is that we are a new creation, and we are made new only by the Holy Spirit alive in us, renewing our minds and being covered in the blood. So that means not stopping at changing things by accommodating for the brokenness and letting it continue to perpetuate our lives and our world. Because that's not our new identity. That's not what is within the law of Grace. That brokenness is what is found in the Law before Christ's death (which, as I mentioned before, is still in effect). But in bridging that cap, through the cross, we find ourselves within the Law of Grace where we and the world are redeemed!! And yes, it is very hard to let the world know this because if the Holy Spirit is not within them they cannot understand this. But we as Christians have been given the mind of Christ - we can understand this and we are held to a higher standard because of this. And that means we as Christians do not accommodate for brokenness because brokenness is not what is within the Law of Grace. We do not compromise and allow for people, government systems, organizations or nature to continue to live in that old identity of "broken" (which they may not realize, but we as Christians do). We don't because our identity is that of "redeemed." So we have the authority and the power to call to the things at play in the world around us and say "No, I am not OK with this because this is not who/what you are. You are no longer broken, you are no longer something to be fixed. Your identity now is 'redeemed,' and have been brought to full value."

If we want to fix the brokenness around us we need to realize that whatever is done has to flow out of God's heart or else it will never work, it will only allow the brokenness to perpetuate. God's heart is for redemption. God's heart is for us to live in that redemption. If the brokenness is allowed to perpetuate it will hinder us from ever stepping into that which God's redemption gave us - a new identity as redeemed and in right relationship with Him. So again, I look at the world around me and I see all the ways things are not as they were designed to be. But I transcend beyond what society is trying to do to fix that which is not as it was designed to be, and I claim Christ's way, along the narrow road. And along this road I work to stand on the new identity as one who is redeemed in a world that is being redeemed, (yes in a body that is wasting away with all of it's brokenness, but has been promised to also be redeemed upon being raised to life after death). Brokenness is no longer a part of that identity. Whatever brokenness I experience or interact with is not of God and is no longer a part of my identity. And it's no longer a part of the world's identity either. God promised He is going to make all things new, so I hold to that promise and I strive to live it out along the narrow road because that is who we are - we are new.

That's why the church is called to not accommodate for brokenness, to not be OK with allowing space for things that are not as they were designed to be. Not to be exclusive, not to pass judgment, not to say something is right or wrong, but to bring all things in this world into alignment with God's heart. And to help the world at large bridge that divide through the cross into the Law of Grace. And into God's new identity as "redeemed". Because we and the world are. No longer broken, no longer held captive, no longer dead. We ARE new and alive and brought to full value. So why do we continue to live as if the cross never happened?

Blessings!!