When "But God" Happens

It's been a crazy year (on the 16th) for me. And today was another crazy step as I have been accepted to work at Medica as a Provider Services Coordinator. And to top it off my last and final exam for getting into grad school is this Saturday and I am nervous to say the least. BUT I know that whatever happens, all of this last year - everything it entailed - was for God's glory.

Last year at this time I was spiraling, ever spiraling, down a destructive trajectory. A trajectory that almost caused me to turn away from the church, myself, my family and friends and God. I was certain that God had forgotten about me, I was certain that my path for my life was never going to entail anything good. I have never given up in my life, but this time last year I was so beaten down in life that I had accepted a "whatever happens, happens" mentality, laid down and just accepted whatever came. I had pretty much given up...no, honestly I think I did give up. I didn't even recognize myself anymore and was falling apart internally, much less externally incapable of doing much of anything (and I was trying to get into Physician Assistant school).

But God happened...

I told God I'm giving Him one last shot before I throw in the towel on church and in many ways Him. So on the 16th of July, 2014 I went to a three-hour prayer session called Sozo healing prayer. And God did the equivalent of massive reconstructive surgery. I didn't even pray about whether or not I should go for this, or even asked God for anything before this. I just kinda showed up and walked out completely different.

Then on the 21st of July, 2014, I walked into my counselor's office. Never believing or even envisioning the transformation, the impact this experience would have on me. I didn't even pray about it. And yet, God's hand has been on this down to the tiniest details. Honestly. There are times when I could have sworn God and my counselor sat down to have a meeting together about me and exchanged notes. My counselor has even said that he says things without even knowing why he was saying them. Seriously? If I had had my way I never ever would have gone to a counselor, much less one of the male gender because of my fear of men. But God happened. And I honestly, I couldn't think of anyone more perfect for the job than him.

Over the last year I have wrestled with so much stuff. It's amazing how incredibly complex we humans are, how deep we go - beyond what evolution, science or biology is capable of doing. As beings who are made in the image of God I think that's how it's supposed to be. But in one year's time, the number of things God has worked through in my heart and life has been mind-blowing. The biggest was learning to trust. Learning that God was safe to trust, how to trust Him, and how to trust other people. And in doing so, I have walked down the path of "risk" and come out stronger and more capable than I ever was before. I changed churches. I changed career paths. I learned to live in vulnerability within community. I learned to trust my closest friends. I learned how to let people care for me (haha, I learned how to care for myself). I learned to trust my counselor (OK the truth was I was scared to trust but God went out of His way to tell me to trust him). I'm learning how to do boundaries. How to balance empathy. How to be an adult.

I learned the exhilaration of facing problems head on, wrestling with the deep, difficult things in my heart and life. Sometimes I can't get enough of doing this because the growth and the freedom that comes as a result of it is so fulfilling and joy-producing that I want to keep charging ahead. One result of doing this is that I have now lost 55lbs!!

As I look back over this last year, one little thing I notice is that if God had not stepped in and changed the trajectory of my life I would not have stepped into adulthood. Developmentally this needed to happen now if I was ever going to have a successful, fulfilling life. Because "but God" happened, the effects of stuff that happened growing up that was hindering my development have been hindered. What Satan intended for evil, God intended for good. And I'm walking in so much freedom because of it! I never would have thought God would fight so hard to change my life. And the speed and trajectory on this new route He has taken me down has been anything but remarkable. And here I stand, the night before my last step and no matter what happens tomorrow God will be glorified! It's not about how many mountain-top experiences I've had, nor how many victories are won or "happy endings" are penned. It's about God's faithfulness and my obedience to letting Him be Lord of my life. And as much as I would like to take the cheers and hi-fives for all the accomplishments and victories won this last year I can't. Because it's all for God's glory! I trust His leading, I trust that my responsibility is being faithful and obedient. And I trust that God is capable of getting me right where He wants me to be, because that's what comes when "but God" happens.