Lord, I trust You

When the battle is greatest. When the resolve to continue fizzles flat. When the heart aches with hurt. When the calling seems too great, too hard. When the loneliness seeks to devour. When the mistakes are just too many. When the joy is too great to not get up and dance. When the future looks bright. When the changes are good. When the crisis hits. When the body gives out. When the body fights against the will. When the only hope is the Lord.

As the struggles have come at me over the past few weeks I've had to relearn what brokenness really looks like. What true surrender looks like. And I've hit a point, over and over and over again, where the surrender is so freeing. I've hit a point where I realize how truly amazing it is to know I can trust God. But it takes going to my knees. It takes admitting I am weak, so very very weak. The hour to hour battles, the resolve to keep going when you continue to face failure. The daily facing of my sin and saying "Do you see that Big Guy over there? Yeah, he's going to show you the door." When the only hope I have is knowing God's love is greater than ANYTHING. That the Lord of the whole universe is right beside me, holding me, embracing me in His majestic arms. He knows me. I long to know Him more. I see the scars on His hands and feet as He holds me and I love Him even more.

OK God, I trust You. Take me deeper - take me into the scary unknown of your heart. Wreck me Father for Your glory. That's my prayer for 2015.

A Message by Brennan Manning

Hi readers!

This week I came across a video of a sermon given by my newest favorite author Brennan Manning. This message has really touched my heart and has helped me get to some new breakthrough in my life recently. As a fellow sinner redeemed by God's grace and love I have really appreciated Brennan's thoughts, insights and simple (easily understood) but incredibly deep and powerful messages. I posted this on my Facebook page today and felt I could share it with anyone who came across this page. Enjoy, and as always please feel free to leave a note - they're always little treasures to me.

Gift to My King

I hope everyone had a very lovely Christmas yesterday! It was actually, surprisingly, quite delightful - actually one of my most favorite Christmases! I hope you had some time to sit and meditate on what it meant for Jesus to come into the world to conquer over and take away our sins. I did, and I was reminded of a particular phrase in one of my most favorite Christmas songs - "In The Bleak Midwinter".

What can I give Him, poor as I am?
If I were a shepherd, I would bring a lamb;
If I were a Wise Man, I would do my part;
Yet what I can I give Him: give my heart.


I've spent a good portion of my life living out of this sense that I have to be perfect. That the littlest mistake I made was going to lead to punishment and I was never going to be "good enough." As I've gotten older I've come to realize that because of this I hid or buried certain sins in my heart and never dealt with them until I experienced an extreme circumstance, then it would come bubbling to the surface. The pedestal is real folks. I would spend time in prayer, drawing near to the Lord, but I would find myself feeling that I had to work harder, smarter, change so much about myself in order to achieve a great dream or calling I had upon my life. I had to sacrifice so much in order to attain the vision; always focusing on my weaknesses instead of realizing how far I had come or what strengths I really did have. I beat myself up over what made me different just so I could fit my life inside a box of expectations that the world told me I had to meet in order to become what I felt so strongly the Lord was calling me into. I had all these awards, scholarships, accomplishments, I had the highest regard and respect from everyone I knew and yet I suffered, I agonized - there was hardly any joy in the work. Until recently I never really realized how incredibly poor I was.

Don't get me wrong, I had an incredible relationship with Jesus - it was so very real and God showed himself to me in so many incredible ways. But I never realized my poverty. I never realized how desperately I needed Jesus to shine His light deep within my heart - in the areas I had locked away and vowed to never show to another soul. I needed the Word to take root within my heart and really begin to produce fruit. The sin, the shame, and the self-hatred I locked away there was destroying so many good and wonderful gifts in my life.

As I reflected on that over Christmas, over the poverty and then the richness and joy Jesus has brought into my heart and life over the last few months, I realized what Jesus has always wanted. Everything else is secondary, everything else comes after this has been established first. No joy can come, no peace can overwhelm my life, no power, no fruit, no relationship can truly ever be present until this is established.

Give Him my heart.

No other gift is great enough to show appreciation for all Jesus has done. No other gift is lasting enough. No other gift is worthy enough to be given - and even then it is worthy enough because God knows this is the highest gift we can give Him.

I may have thought I gave Him my heart before. I may have thought I went all in. But now, I see that it takes so much more. It takes daily surrendering my heart and life to His plans and desires for my heart and life. It takes radically trusting Him in everything - even when what you're being asked to do is scary, or it might hurt, or it might require more of you than you ever want to give. It takes keeping your focus on Him because you know that He is the only one who deserves your heart, your focus, your life. It takes falling on your face before Him in the midst of drowning in your sin; crying out from the depths of your soul "Jesus save me! Jesus change me! Jesus I need you RIGHT now!" It takes admitting that there is no power within you to make the kind of changes that need to happen in order to reflect Jesus to a broken world. It takes knowing that unless He is at the center of anything and everything you do in this world - even incredible good - that it is worthless. It takes knowing that He LOVES you and me so very much; and He LOVES you so very much in that very moment of sin. It takes turning to face Him as you are and letting Him love you. It takes facing Him and letting His love pierce deep into your soul even when every square inch of you is covered in shame. It takes letting go of your dreams, placing them in His hands, because He is worthy to hold them and transform them into His dreams for you.

And it takes allowing Him to sweep you off your feet. To pursue you, to embrace you, to give you good things. It takes believing He has saved you already and His grace is enough to get you into heaven. It takes sitting at His feet, choosing to be there, actively present, instead of getting the loads and loads of work done around you. It takes coming before Him, pouring out your most beautiful possession you have onto His feet to bless Him, washing His feet with your tears and drying them with your hair. It takes reaching out to touch the hem of his garment. It takes running into His open arms and letting Him just hold you. It takes opening your ears to hear His laugh of delight over you; to hear the song from His heart that He sings over you. It takes inviting His presence into every moment of your day and it takes entering through the curtain into His chambers. It takes letting Him take care of you even when the evidence isn't readily available. It takes believing that He has washed you clean, given you a garment of praise and righteousness. It takes letting Him brand your heart with "cherished," "beloved,". It takes surrendering every identity and taking on His identity of "Child of God" and "Bride of Christ."

This giving Him your heart takes opening yourself to Him and letting Him enter into you; to know Him and be known by Him. What an incredible gift to give Him.

...

And there He lays in the manger; the Savior of the world - fully God and fully man. I come before the baby laying in the manger; poor, utterly poor. I see the mess, the smell, the chaos. The animals, the cold wind slapping my face, the young couple before me. I look at my hands covered in the dirt of the earth, I see the rags I wear. What in the world am I doing? I have nothing to give The King, the Prince of Peace. They call Him the Suffering Servant. They say He will take away all of my sins. I tremble; it's too great a gift, too wonderful for me. And yet I know He invites me to come before Him. Why? There must be something He sees in me. There must be something I can give Him that is worthy to give the King of Kings and Lord of Lords. Hope trickles into my heart; joy begins to bubble up from my soul. I don't fully know why but I know that if this is the King of Kings and Lord of Lords then I want to give my heart and life to follow Him. That is at least a worthy gift to give to my King.

Light Has Come

With Christmas just a few short days away I thought it was time to post a few thoughts I have about this wonderful holiday to celebrate Jesus' birth. The last few weeks have made getting into the "Christmas spirit" a bit difficult and all the things I have to accomplish within the next few weeks have me rather distracted. But my heart is with this post to be able to shine light on the ways Jesus is working in the world around us in the midst of everything.

Let's start with Mary. I've often contemplated what a huge responsibility she was taking on when she said "Let it be done to me as you have said." What was it that God saw in her, in her heart, that made Him choose her out of the hundreds of other girls her age? What was it like to have the spirit of God overshadow her? And why in blue blazes would she choose to travel on the back of a donkey (if in fact she did) when she was so very pregnant? I mean pregnancy comes with a lot of discomfort and now she's sitting on the back of this animal being jerked around for most of the day. What was it like to feel baby Jesus move around in her womb? What was it like to watch her stomach grow with each passing day, to know the fruit she carried there was the Great I Am? Did God spare her of great labor pains or did she endure a hard labor giving birth to the Suffering Servant? Did Mary ever get tired doing midnight feedings; possibly a bit impatient at a sleepy, suckling baby? What was it like to gently rock him to sleep? What did it feel to have his little fingers - the very hands that would heal nations - wrap around her's? How did it feel to hold the Savior of the universe in her arms? What did she see when she gazed into His precious eyes? One of my most precious memories was getting to hold a little 2 pound baby when I was a volunteer in a NICU, and as I stared into his beautiful blue eyes I felt like I was staring straight into heaven; I'm sure it was so much more for her as she gazed into his eyes. What was it like to hear him laugh for the first time? Did great joy spring up within her at the sound? Or when he smiled at her, did she have her heart burst with love?

And that first cry must have been incredible. The Word - the Living Word - piercing the darkness, crying out for all humanity. Receiving breath for the first time, having just been birthed in blood and water (see the significance there?), and his first act was to cry. Reminds me of one of the most touching and profound verses in all the Bible - "Jesus wept." Something so ordinary to every human being and yet, in Christ, it is transformed into something radically new. Did Mary and Joseph weep with delight at that cry? Did they understand all that was going on beneath the surface?

How did Mary reconcile in her mind that this was her child and yet her Savior? How did that change how she approached being a mother to Jesus? I mean she on a daily basis got to kiss the face of God...what a beautiful and intimate picture of the realness and tenderness of Almighty God. I would like to give God a kiss some days, or even just simply a hug.

And yet the sacrifice...the ridicule...the shame she endured to nurture and give life and to cherish that life went beyond anything that I think most of us would want. In her heart she must have known and held onto the fact that God cherished her, would protect her, and guard her from danger - even those she was not aware of. Remember how the angel woke Joseph with a dream? And all she had to do was simply, radically trust God. Trusting God will often lead us into some scary situations but we are not without hope because God's hand of protection will be around us. Just as it was around Mary all those many years ago - a simple Jewish girl, poor and considered worthless and yet God called her to be the mother of our Savior. Our worthiness has NEVER been a characteristic when it comes to God and being in His Kingdom - it is by grace alone.

I think of what chaos was going on at that time, what sense of hopelessness I'm sure many people felt. Kind of like today. Chaos, hopelessness, destruction and great evil. And yet God came to dwell among us in humility, to teach us radical love and to call us to something higher than ourselves and the world around us. The King, piercing the darkness with a simple cry, shaking the very foundations of nature being birthed of a virgin, inviting lowly shepherds, outsiders from afar, and all who would hear to celebrate in his birth. Laying aside his authority for a time to step into the realness of what it means to be a human. Immanuel - God with us. Christmas teaches us that He promises His presence; it teaches us to radically trust God even in the face of great evil and darkness; it teaches us to love and forgive radically (something that is not always easy during the holidays - especially when we've been hurt by friends and family). But as we sit at the feet of Jesus, drawing near to Him, surrendering to Him we can find our lives being transformed, cleansed, renewed. That's what I really want to receive this Christmas, and that's what I really want to give this Christmas.

Merry Christmas everyone!!

"How goes the world?" "The world goes not well; but the Kingdom comes." ~ Tales of the Kingdom

Natalie Grant: Alive MARY MAGDALENE - Official Lyric Video

I discovered this song today and couldn't stop listening to it! God's grace and love is so incredible!!!

Cherished

This past week I found my life thrown into a whirlwind of crazy things between my own situations and some things going on in friends' lives. A good portion of it was unnerving; leaving me in need of a lot of hugs. Sleep - what's that? Adulthood and living in a broken world sometimes can be overwhelming, and I've been really challenged to think critically about what I would do in some situations that no individual should ever find themselves in. It's been a huge distraction from preparing for Christmas, studying for the GRE and being present for when my best friend came home from six months with YWAM Kona. And yet because I love I choose to not escape but to stand firm, supporting those I care about. But I feel my resolve and tenacity draining as my own fear seeks to overpower me.

One morning this past week I was driving home from work and I felt just drained. Almost on the verge of tears I pulled to a stop at a long stop light. As I sat there I felt that delightful stirring in my spirit that has become a constant presence these last few months. It was as if God was hugging my heart and He was giving me the biggest smile He possibly could. In that moment I felt this sense that I was cherished. As someone who has struggled to accept love from others this has been one of the most precious revelations in my walk with the Lord, and when I came to realize this it totally overhauled my response to life and relationships around me.

It reminded me of something Brennan Manning had said in his book "Abba's Child" about how it's very easy for us to undervalue God's love because God loves everyone by default; but His love gains value in our own eyes when we realize that when God says "I love you" He is also saying "I like you." There's something about someone telling you "I like you" that completely changes your whole perspective on yourself.

I can remember how delightful it was to be told by a new friend "I like you," or even when my counselor said it to me one time. It made me feel valued, and it carried with it a sense that I was cherished by someone. Sometimes you can just tell that someone cherishes you by the way they look at you with such tenderness and delight. That sense of being cherished removes a weight of performance that we all carry on our shoulders. That sense of being cherished tells you that with this person you are free and invited (even desired) to be the real you with them. It also gives you the freedom and challenge to turn inward toward yourself and cherish the you that you were made to be.

If it can be so wonderful when an imperfect human treats you as cherished, then it must be beyond wonderful when our perfect heavenly Father treats us as cherished. And that's what it was like in that moment, and has been like the last few months. In a moment where there were real things to be afraid of, when the weight of situations weighed heavy on my shoulders, when I continued to make mistakes, when I was just absolutely exhausted and haven't been able to have communion with God very well in the midst of all of this. God hugged my heart and overwhelmed me with a sense of being cherished. And as I sat at that light I did cry - I cried because I couldn't stop laughing in delight as I leaned into that hug and realized once again that I do trust my Savior and can continue to relinquish control to Him. Joy and peace washed over me in that moment as "cherished" was branded onto my heart.

Have you ever felt cherished by God? Have you ever considered that when God says "I love you" He is also saying "I like you", "I enjoy you", "I adore you"? I dare you to consider it. I dare you to believe it. Because I didn't find freedom and joy in my own life until I came to understand and believe that God liked me, cherished me. And I couldn't accept love from others until I understood this as well. If you've ever felt cherished by someone in your life then you know what that feels like, how wonderful it is to know someone takes delight and pleasure in being with you. It's the very same thing with God except his cherishing is beyond anything any human can express. So I dare you today to imagine what it would be like to be cherished by God and maybe just maybe allow yourself to believe it too.


Jeremiah 31:3 "I have loved you, with an everlasting love; therefore I have drawn you with lovingkindness."

Psalms 147: 11 "The Lord's delight is in those who fear him, those who put their hope in his unfailing love."

I will give you hidden treasures, riches stored in secret places,

so that you may know that I am the Lord, the God of Israel,

who summons you by name.

Isaiah 45:3

Safe in His Arms - the Beautiful, Broken One

I am a beautifully broken vessel, continually being redeemed and renewed for His glory.

I am broken by the sin, pain, suffering and wounds inflicted on me by being a human in a beautiful world thoroughly marred by the agony of sin. Sometimes it's hard to look at the beautiful world around me and ever keep the brokenness before me. I want to see the beauty, I want to see the fallacy of perfection. It's hard to reconcile brokenness and beauty. And yet it is because of the brokenness of the most Beautiful One, the One who had no stain of sin upon Him that there is hope for all things to be made beautiful again. And yet indeed things are beautiful now because they are broken.

My own personal story has indeed been one that is hard to reconcile brokenness and beauty within. The beauty of being an image bearer of God - fearfully and wonderfully made with unique qualities and characteristics to be celebrated and delighted in. And the brokenness of my own personal sin as well as the pain and suffering inflicted upon me by broken and sinful people around me. It is very easy for me to become afraid when all I can see is the brokenness. And it is very easy for me to miss the warning of fear and fall prey to danger when all I want to see is the beauty, the fallacy of perfection. To ignore the brokenness in my own life and ignore the brokenness in those around me. I trust and yet I'm afraid to trust.

Learning to reconcile beauty and brokenness, fear and trust has become my journey these last few months. It takes rereading my story through a number of lenses and perspectives. It takes vulnerability and transparency even with me, myself and I as well as those who are close to me. It takes consistency in reaching for the Lord and continually falling and surrendering into His arms. It takes embracing all of me with God's love and being embraced by Love Himself.

I've learned the hard way, many times, that because of brokenness in beautiful people that trust can be easily broken. Many nights I watch myself, as if on a video, facing the moments when friends, family members, peers and colleagues and even total strangers have broken my trust - some of these moments too cruel, too painful and some of them so subtle and small that I have to watch closely to even see the moment. The list of those I am asked to forgive can be daunting at times. And the fear of the list growing, the fear of who could be added to the list, can be so painful that it just seems easier to ignore the dangers and push on as if everything and everyone around me is perfect. That is until the next time my heart is stabbed, until I've been taken advantage of again, until the voice in my head says again "You're so stupid. You should have known better." Indeed reconciling beauty and brokenness is a hard hard battle to fight.

And yet I know the only way to reconcile beauty and brokenness is within the Beautiful, Broken One. The very One who loves me when my brokenness is given too much reign. The very One who also loves the ones who inflict brokenness upon me. And the very One who loves those who walk into my life and sit in my pain and suffering, as ones who also have been pained and suffer, when the rest of the world walks out. I can trust the Beautiful, Broken One because of His love; in His arms I am safe. The more I entrust my heart to Him alone, the only One with whom I am safe, the more free I am to embrace and fully reconcile brokenness and beauty in myself and in the world around me. In His arms, I can enter into vulnerability with beautiful and broken people around me; to test and risk trust and intimacy in friendships and relationships.

Indeed even in this, today, the Lord is in His redeeming and restorative work in my life. Indeed I am learning that the very ones who consistently have entrusted and pointed me back to the Beautiful, Broken One as the ONLY one with whom I am safe are the ones who can be trusted because we place our trust in the ONLY One with whom we are safe. In this alone relational transparency, vulnerability, intimacy and community are possible. Beauty and brokenness are indeed reconciled and redeemed in my own life and in the lives of those close to me because beauty and brokenness have already been reconciled, restored and redeemed in the Beautiful, Broken One.

The Beautiful, Broken One - in His arms alone, I am safe.

Surrender, surrender, surrender into His embrace.