Struggling to Belong

I've grown rather bitter over the last couple years. I was looking at pictures today of someone's wedding whom I had worked closely with and had spent a lot of time praying for, supporting and covering their tasks when they had to step down unexpectedly because of some health issues. And all I thought about was that I wasn't invited to be a part of their special day. I wasn't even sent an engagement notice or a thank you. And that's all I could think about! I mean how selfish is that of me! But the truth of it is that this thought process has become a "normal" in my life lately. Doesn't matter how much I give financially, or time or support or prayers I always feel like I'm the one forgotten about. And that's all I can think about. All I can think about is how could my best friends just walk out on our friendship for no reason and say that it was just "separation" - no...no it wasn't. I see it as betrayal, that they found someone "better" to be friends with, that they had "outgrown" me and that they only wanted to be friends with me for what I could give to them. Ir didn't matter how dedicated I was, how much I was there for them, or how much I forgave them for the hurt they gave to me over the years I still was never enough for them. Yes, I've grown bitter. All I can think about is the numerous friends that I have reached out to, that I have given to and they forget to invite me to things or ignore me. Yes, I've grown bitter. People my age think I'm weird or not good enough, and people my parents age adore me but I'm too young to fit in with their crowd. I don't feel like I belong at Church - what gifts I have to give I don't feel called to give in the way the Church thinks I should give. Yes, all I can think about is my bitterness and not what God has given me. All I can focus on is my struggle to belong, to feel like I'm settled in a specific place in a community, that I can offer something valuable to others to support them and bring out their gifts, to sharpen other people's faith and help them grow and blossom. And yet often I feel like a single small plant struggling to bloom in a sun-parched desert. My task in the midst of this struggle is to learn to dig my roots down deep, to push aside my need to belong here on earth and find satisfaction in belonging to God. Yes, I may be struggling to belong, I may be struggling to feel valued even by those who love the Lord so incredibly deeply but I fight to believe that's not the end of the story. That somewhere I can believe unconditional love is for me (which has also been a real struggle to believe for myself), that somewhere I can believe that I am valued and that I find myself belonging no matter what I've done, what I failed to do or made a mistake in doing, and that others around me know they belong right where I find myself belonging. My mind says it's true, but sometimes my heart fails or fears to believe it's true. And yet it's true.

8 Years

This day 8 years ago I experienced one of the most profound freedoms I have ever experienced in my life. I was 14, just starting 9th grade at a new school building (same school) and I had just gone through one of the most difficult summers of my life. Not because of one traumatic event but a lot of little things that built up over time. During the whole summer I found myself going through deeper and deeper depression. I started hiding behind my hair, started hiding in books (I read about 50 large chapter books that summer). When school started I declined pretty quickly. I mentally had given up and it was only time before Satan stepped in and would tempt me into taking my own life. And he did. I couldn't see a way out, my friends had left me, I wanted to run away every day, and I felt like no one was there to listen. My relationships are very important to me and is always the one place that Satan uses to take me out. But something had happened that whole summer. God showed Himself to me as The Comforter, Lover and Father. Every night I would cry myself to sleep, covering my face with my pillow so my parents couldn't hear my sobbing. And every night God would send me a vision of Him either rocking me in His arms or holding me in His hand and whispering His love to me. "It's OK My child, My precious one. Just come to Me and everything will be all right. I love you." He would say to me night after night after night. And as my depression got darker, My Lord drew closer. And on that night when Satan sought to devour me God did something amazing.

In my heart I pleaded with God to show me another way to get through the pain in my heart and the hopelessness I had in my spirit because I didn't want to hurt my parents or my brother, or the few friends I had who actually cared. Or those who were around me who were not walking with the Lord who would question why I claimed to be a Christian but gave into this destruction. God then gave me two visions. The first, oh the first vision, if I could live there right now in that vision I would...He showed me a picture of heaven, more appropriately the entrance to heaven. And oh my soul sang! And then bang, the 2nd vision came and broke my heart.

I was suddenly standing in a different country, in the doorway of a cardboard hut with a metal roof. In front of me was a dirty/muddy street and directly across the street from me were three little children peering out of the doorway of their own cardboard hut. They were dirty, hungry, their clothes were falling apart and they were barefoot. As I stood there watching I saw these little children staring at every person who walked right past them. And then I could suddenly read their thoughts. They were pleading: "Is there no one out there to show us any good? Is there no one to love us, to care for us, to give us a place to belong? Is there no one to feed us and dry our tears? Is there no one out there to love us?..." I started screaming at them "God can do all that for you! Let me hold you and take care of you and I can show you that God can meet your every need! Let me love you and you'll know God's love!" But they didn't hear me. They couldn't see me. I kept screaming louder and louder, passionate tears streaming down my face. I tried to push across the street but something was there keeping me from embracing these children. I kept pushing, screaming, reaching, and crying harder and harder.

And then it was gone. I sat there in the solitude of my bedroom trying to catch my breath and stem the hot tears. "God..." was all I said. His reply was that I could either come home to Him or I could stay and bring these three little ones home with me. I said I would stay...

Four weeks later, Sunday, Sept. 18, 2005 came. I was lighter in spirit, happier, more ready for whatever God had for me. We had a guest pastor come and speak and I was supposed to be in the nursery but something made me curious enough to stay. I don't remember the sermon, honestly. All I know is that we had a time of prayer after and almost everyone in my church went up. My Dad was with me, he had no idea what had been happening to me the last few weeks. When he got prayed for I just stood there and was like "OK God, whatever You want to do I trust You." This pastor came to me and touched my shoulder. All he said was "Lord, take away all the rejection." He said that three times and within that moment I felt something slash across me and a heavy weight fell off. I felt the ground around me shake (I don't think anyone else felt it) as the weights fell off and I just crumpled to my knees weeping. I wept for two hours!! In an instant God healed me from my depression :)

The life I have had since that day I never would have dreamed of - such incredible life changes, such joyous moments. I became an aunt, graduated from college, found a true community of friends and am working some wonderful jobs. Yes, thank you Lord for Your faithfulness and for saving me. Thank you for the calling and for transforming my life in so many ways. To You be all the glory!