Thanks God!!

This is a song by BarlowGirl entitled "Thoughts of You". I used to listen to this band all the time (and go to as many of their concerts as possible in high school - it's been memory lane for me as I re-listen to all these songs that were such a part of my teen years), but this song and a few others have stuck with me into adulthood. This song though, expresses, simply, my thankfulness to God.

This week as we center our hearts on thankfulness there are so many things going through my heart and head. These last few months have been such a testimony of God's faithfulness. He never settles; he always pushes us into holiness, into reflecting His image to a broken and dying world. He always knows what's best even when we don't. He is always there for us even when we've pushed Him away. He says we're free even when we continue to hold onto the chains. Honestly, sometimes we feel so comfortable with the chains on that we never really believe God's joy and grace are for us. When my ever-wandering heart is given free reign, He's the one who calls it back to Himself and grounds me in the most solid Rock. He welcomes us with open arms even when we are dirty from living among the pigs. He catches us when we've begun to sink in our lack of faith. He is always working, always moving, always fighting for us even before we are aware. "Thanks" isn't a big enough or strong enough word.

When I think of where my life was at even just a few months ago I am in awe at all that the Lord has done. I think most days I was mad at God. Mad that this was where my life had gone, that I was so alone, so confused, so forgotten. Mad that I had to move back in with my parents when all my friends were able to move into apartments with others. Mad that I had graduated unmarried. Mad that I wasn't sure where my friends were going with their lives and whether or not they would remember me in all of their own personal changes. I sure remembered them daily. I was worn out physically and emotionally from college (especially that senior research project) but I think in my spirit I had given up. I just accepted that this is my life and any effort to change will be met by more and more blows to get me down. And I know that this is exactly the place when you need to fight the hardest but I had no fight left in me. People didn't understand, but I couldn't get out of my depression and I knew from the past that this was the point where I knew I was in trouble. I knew I would never go there again but it still didn't help that I was stuck. A few people recommended I do a Sozo prayer ministry. And then my mom recommended a Christian counselor for me - and this was all during a time when home life was just up in chaos between all the "busyness" my parents and I were both in. I was in survival mode and I think I realized I got to that point where I was like Peter - sinking beneath the waves, except I think I started choking on the waters I was sinking in. I knew God was all there was that I could really reach for. Honestly, I don't think I even said "help me Lord," I think I just reached.

So I up and went to a Sozo. It was a former teacher of mine and her best friend, and it was on a Wednesday back in July. They had been doing this ministry for a while at this point and they said that my experience was equivalent of massive reconstructive surgery, which is somewhat unusual. I don't remember crying a whole lot, all I knew was that I walked out of there closer to God, better able to hear from Him. That following Monday I stepped into my counselor/therapist's office. I think I actually told him at the beginning that he was going to be like a physical therapist to me to make sure the "surgery" sticks. Looking back, now, I'm sort of impressed with the faith I had in those days despite being in such a hurting and dark spot (which I probably would have denied if asked). I had no idea...absolutely no idea where God would lead me in the days, weeks, and months that followed.

I have learned so much about God. So much about myself. So much about who I am to God. I've fallen in love with Jesus all over again, and yet this time I'm challenged to go beyond any point I had ever reached before. I have been challenged to trust when I have no clue what's to come with the next step. I've been led into a new, beautiful territory. A territory to me that I have not yet been able to see fully but yet I'm being led deeper and deeper. I actually had a dream that someone I've grown to trust and respect immensely was holding my hands, leading me one step at a time into this new territory. At one point in my dream I looked down and became afraid of what I saw because it was risky and beyond what I would have ever stepped into on my own. I screamed and clung tighter but then watched myself start laughing joyfully because I realized how much I trusted this person and because I realized that the territory, the new area was beautiful and good and it was full of God's truth, goodness and holiness.

There has been so much newness and discovery - it's been fun and risky exploring all these new things. I've faced so many wonderful things in my heart - pieces of me I had no idea were even there. Like curiosity and my "achiever" mentality that is no longer run by fear and anxiety but by excitement and a drive to do my best to bring glory to God and bless others. I've also faced so many dark corners of my heart and learned to gently, tenderly, lovingly speak God's love to those corners, illuminating what is really there. Some of these things are vicious and destructive, some of these things are covered in shame, and some of these things are so broken that upon first glance I want to throw it out. But then I remember my Redeemer. I remember His ultimate supremacy and how these things in my heart must bow to the Almighty. I remember His goodness and who He has shown and revealed Himself to be in the past and I knew/know He is the only person who can rightly deal with these things. These dark and broken things are still there, they weren't nor never will be tossed into a fire to be burned to ash, but are cleansed and renewed by the blood of Christ. I and these things both are learning to know our place and Who to surrender to. I've learned that God loves our broken and ugly possessions, and that in order to love myself I need to learn to love those parts of me I would much rather throw away - but then I would be throwing away part of myself. Parts of my story. My perspective. My heart. The fullness of my testimony and who God is would be lost if I just threw them out - instead both these things and I are redeemed. God is turning even the ugliest and most broken pieces of my heart, my body, my story, my perspective into something beautiful to bring glory to Him alone.

And the more I dive deeper into this newness the more I realized all these "lighthouses", all the "desert oases" God sent my way through the years (and recently) in the form of relationships and interactions. From my best friends who walked with me through not just the betrayal of my former best friends but stepped willingly, despite my rejection, into a painful situation in college that I could not share with anyone. My Heritage 311 girls...they were my safe haven my junior year and taught me true community. To a homeless elderly woman I met in one City Front ministry night, her name was Frieda, who taught me the heart of true thankfulness even when you have absolutely nothing. To teachers, classmates, roommates, and a friendly greeter at a new church who told me I have a beautiful smile and a beautiful heart (and he didn't even know my name). To my parents, my family members, amazing friends, campus pastors, and my dear, precious therapist. All lighthouses, all people who spoke Jesus to me and are Jesus to me. The immense quantity and vast quality of these interactions make me feel so honored and validated. Who is this Lord that would provide for me, who would give me all these rich and beautiful treasures? Why me Lord? Some days I still have to ask that question - why me? And the response always makes me smile because despite my worthiness (or lack there of) I am loved. My God truly is gracious, and in that I place my value.

So God, "thank you" is simply not enough. Words are not enough to express my thanks. But I'm learning that my life can be the fullest expression of my thankfulness. You're worthy of at least that :)

UPDATE 11/27/2014

After I wrote the post above I was overcome with thankfulness for the friends in my life. Particularly my three best friends Jenna, Jenny, and Christa. I met these three beautiful ladies my freshman year of college and I fell in love with them mostly out of their pure devotion and love for the Lord. As our friendship was growing all three of them became some of the strongest support pillars for me as I was dealing with the rejection of my former best friends. And then they were the ones who stood with me day and night when my family walked through dealing with a difficult situation that I couldn't talk about with anyone - but these ladies told me to talk with them anyways. They have always been the first to pray for me, the first to encourage, the first to support, the first to point me to Jesus. And they were the ones I went weeping to one day junior year and said "are you willing to enter into a deeper, authentic community with me?" And yet through all of this, because of the pain and rejection of my former best friends I could not trust them. And they knew that. And for reasons I will never understand they continued to love me anyways, and continued to show me again and again that they were faithful to this friendship.

The day I took the greatest risk in my friendship with them was the day I told them about my deepest, darkest and most shameful sin. Individually I told them, and individually they didn't turn their faces away, instead they continued to look me in the eye, they held my hand, they prayed for me. They asked me hard questions and told me to come to them whenever I struggled. That was an even greater risk for me and I didn't entirely follow through on that with them. That is until I told my therapist. They were the ones encouraging me, praying for me for weeks to have the courage to seek the help I needed. And they were the ones who celebrated when I did. I learned I could go to them in those moments of weakness. And time and time again when I told them I was weak and stumbling they would remind me they were there for me and point me to Jesus. A couple times they prayed for me at 4 am, or would stay up late while on a DTS in Nepal (through YWAM) to "talk" with me.

A few days ago, in thinking of Thanksgiving, I realized I needed to tell my friends why I was thankful for them. The following is a text message conversation I had with one of them:

Me: "Do you know how much I appreciate you!? :)"

Friend: "No, how much? :)"

Me: "I appreciate you a TON!! For being there when I had trouble trusting because of former friends. For always bringing me back to Jesus. For always being available to talk. For loving me despite knowing what ugliness I've participated in over the years. And for being a huge support for me as I grow toward holiness and purity."

Friend: "Well that is what friends are for! If anything, you are the one who has been strong to keep going even when it's tough and sharing about your weaknesses. You are an exemplary model, and I love watching you grow."

Me: ":') Goodness way to make me cry! Thank you, I love you!! -bear hug-"

That text message was a pivotal moment for me. As I was driving down Highway 35E in St. Paul listening to my car's bluetooth read out the message I realized in my heart that I finally, truly and completely trusted these friends, these sisters. I almost couldn't see the road I was crying so hard.

I know going forward that there may be times we hurt each other in our friendship, but I know I can trust them and will always continue to cherish our friendship even in disagreement. For that I am thankful to them and to God especially - I will never fully grasp all that he has done in bringing these ladies into my life. Thank you!