A storm, a boat, and a sleeping Jesus

It's been a few months since I last posted. In that time frame, I've celebrated 7 months with my boyfriend, was sick for 2.5 months with rolling viruses (tonsillitis followed immediately by bronchitis), was nearly broke, almost quit my job about five different times, finally found a roommate, visited my best friend, spent two different weekends in a hotel, and for some strange reason have managed to not have a single mosquito bite.

In that time the fear and temptation to run away, give up, grow numb, and doubt have been real entities in my life. I don't understand this season and I feel the waves on the stormy seas tossing me back and forth and I'm frustrated to no end that Jesus is sleeping as I feel I am drowning. And once I scream loud enough at him then he wakes up, just tells the seas to calm and then says "Why are you afraid? Do you still have no faith?"

All frustration and smart responses aside, it is hard to see how God is still in control even when he sleeps. It's easy to doubt that his promises are still true, especially in the seasons where it seems that God is not doing anything. "OK God, I'm holding to faith and believing that you will do something, that you are still in control and that you are still good." And the months roll by, and the loved one in the hospital deteriorates, and the bank account dries up, and friends don't call, and the tissue boxes remain empty and the anxiety and frustration is rising, and the bank keeps calling.

And the boat keeps sinking...and still Jesus sleeps.

There was once a point in my life where I believed that if situations were not changing then we needed to pray harder, fast longer, repent deeper, analyze my for every sin that I committed as to why God isn't answering my prayers. Just press in a little more, maybe if I change then God will love me enough to answer my prayers. As if answered prayers had anything to do with the amount of love that God has for us. The two don't go hand in hand; God doesn't use unanswered prayers to punish us for sins we've committed. The flaw I learned in that perspective was that God now sees me through the blood of Christ; he doesn't see my sin. I still sin, but I am washed clean.

The true miracle in that story was that Jesus was with them in the storm. He could have walked out of the boat in the middle of the storm, he could have called down a million angels to rescue him from the sea, he could have even gone off on a different path all together rather than going out into the sea. But he stayed and he slept and he calmed the sea. It also reflected to every man in that boat how they handle stressful situations and just how far they have to grow before their faith becomes a part of them. Do they turn towards fixing it themselves or doing what needs to be done on their own, or do they turn towards seeking Jesus in the midst of the storm? The story doesn't say anything about the disciples repeatedly calling out to Jesus before he awoke and calmed the seas. Had they sought him out sooner they could have been spared so much anxiety.

God doesn't always change our circumstances, however. One prayer I've been doing is "Lord, help me to seek your face before I seek your hand." This prayer has been so challenging to me in this season because there are so many things I want God to do or to change. God cares about our circumstances AND he cares about us. His response or seeming lack of response to whatever it is we are walking through has nothing to do with the amount of love he has for us or even that he genuinely likes us. Because the truth is he is there WITH US, going through it WITH US. He also cares about our transformation and development; as beings made in the image of God we have a unique calling and design for our life to be drawn into deeper intimacy and connection with our Heavenly Father. I think Jesus knew in the midst of that storm that there was something way more sacred in developing the disciples' faith instead of assuaging their anxiety.

Which is why no matter what we are walking through there is always hope. Hope that God is going to redeem the brokenness, that he is not going to leave us stranded but is instead there with us in the storms in our lives. Hope that the circumstances in our lives are opportunities to transform us and draw us into deeper intimacy with God, letting go of that which hinders us from stepping into all that God has for us. Hope for those of us that scream out "I don't care about being transformed in this moment, I just want to be spared my suffering!" that God will comfort us and calm our storms. That he holds us in his arms and doesn't let us go. Ever.

Faith and Hope are wrapped up in this reality: God is with us.