Waiting and Trusting

The family is out on vacation this weekend to the North Rim of the Grand Canyon and I'm home alone with the pets. Oh it has been lonely, I don't like being alone - especially when I accidentally lock myself out. Yesterday morning I decided to sweep and when I took the rugs out the back to shake them I closed the door and it locked. I was in my pjs and I had no cell phone on me. I looked under every rock, potted plant, and outside mat for a spare key but I think I have the spare key - inside. 45 minutes later a neighbor sees me sitting by the front door and goes to get security who lets me into the house (there was more than just simply they let me in). But I wasted the day yesterday after that - I watched movies and the Olympics and attempted to read my study books for the fall but gave up because I didn't want to do it. My evening however I decided to spend some time in worship. So I was back outside, singing, as I tossed the dog's ball around. As I'm sitting here this morning having my own quiet time instead of going to church - I don't really know how to get to the churches around here except the Baptist one but that church I don't want to go back to - I started having this disappointed feeling that I haven't been able to really introduce Jesus to someone. I've shared about my faith over and over with people, I've talked about how Christianity is a relationship and not a religion, but people don't want to really listen and I don't know what to do. I feel so ill-equipped for this calling to be here - the words just don't come easily for me. But I know that I can't let this tear me down - I need to use it to build me up and lean on God to help me do this. It is only the Holy Spirit that can change lives, but I gotta keep sharing, I gotta keep loving people I can't give up. This morning as I was thinking about being locked out yesterday it dawned on me there was a hidden message behind that experience - it was like God was showing me that I keep locking myself out from the hearts of those who need to know Jesus because I'm afraid of being left alone, of being rejected. But I gotta let myself in because I know Jesus loves these people, I know that He died for them as well and I know that if I don't at least try to share Jesus and let the Holy Spirit do the rest that I will probably have wasted this trip to serve the Navajo people. Keep praying for me friends. It is so hard to deal with all this religious spirit without having other believers around me to help me walk through certain things. But I think it is time that I no longer expect to have my hand held, I need to be courageous and bold in order to grow into the woman God has called me to be. I just hate being alone, but I know I'm not truly alone and I gotta be OK with that, that i gotta be OK following Jesus and His call on my life even if it means no one else goes with me.