Oh Lord...

Tired as I am I feel I need to be honest. I'm struggling. I'm a week away from my first meeting with my counselor and my head is spinning with so many things. Thankfulness towards God yet furious over everything, longing for more intimacy with God but also longing so much for intimacy with people (fyi I'm not talking sexually). It's this one foot in the throne room of God while another foot is stuck in the mud here on earth. I struggle to find the courage to get out of patterns of sin yet I so long to sit more at Jesus feet and feel clean. I long to be something I've believed I am and yet I know who I am to Jesus, I just can't seem to make it stick every single day of my life! There are so many ways that Jesus is tenderly asking me to open my heart more to Him but at the same time I'm scared. Scared of what He might find, scared of how to handle opening my heart to God without opening my heart in the same way to people. I struggle to trust people now but I know more and more that I can trust God. I struggle to be with my friends now since I can't ask them to walk with me through this struggle and I even wonder if they would want to. The other day I saw a vision of Jesus and He was holding out a gold cup to me and He asked me "Are you willing to drink of this cup as well?" Oh Lord I want to...I so want to but I feel so not ready yet. There's so much about the Bible that I don't know. There's so much I need to surrender to You before I can. I realized the other day that I find myself needing to surrender everything every day and that if I don't name it as I surrender then I don't end up surrendering it to God. I ask God "Who will go with me?" and yet I know in my mind that the right response is "though none go with me still I will follow." I so want this to be real, this faith! I have such a hard time getting things out of my mind and into my heart and once they're in my heart I don't seem to be able to let it stay. I think it's because there's still sin in my life. I hunger for discipleship...I hunger for intimacy...but yet I wonder where my heart is at when i know that this can all be met in Jesus, yet somehow that knowledge doesn't seem to be enough. What is wrong with me? I feel a lot lately that I am so confused and so alone, but yet I know I'm not. I want to run away from everything but I know that the battle is right here and that if I don't fight I never will. Oh Lord...I'm in a quandary. But yet my heart still cries out its love for You. I seek Your peace and joy but also more than anything, Your love.