Lessons on learning boundaries, playing with fire, and overcoming fear

It's been a while since I last posted anything on here. To follow up from my last blog post, my prayer was answered just at a different time. On that note, I've been going to a wonderful counselor and lately we've been talking about boundaries. Funny since the last post was probably a huge disclosure for which on some days I'm embarrassed while others I could care less that I posted it. My counselor and I discussed the topic of honesty (as this is something I highly value but have found others ridicule) and we've come to the conclusion that honesty is a sword used to help us develop, empower others, and to tell the devil Who is in charge. But like any good sword it will be destroyed (and I'll be destroyed) without the proper sheath (that's where boundaries come in). You stow the sword within the sheath to protect it, to keep it's integrity up, and to protect yourself from accidentally stabbing yourself or hurting someone else. And like any good swordsman (or swordswoman) you need to be trained in how to properly yield this weapon of choice. You send a child out into battle with it and they wont know the first thing of how to even properly hold it (much less be able to carry it). It's a skill that needs to be developed, nurtured, and encouraged. I loved this concept since I'm a goals kind of person (and I'm finally learning to set goals that will please God and myself instead of others). Just this past week I STARTED working on all the areas that I can think of that would need boundaries to be able to properly utilize my honesty (and disclosure) in a healthy way. I'm tired of constantly finding myself in situations where I've just spent 15 minutes talking about something and come to find out I let out something in there that shouldn't have been let loose (kinda like that old song with the lyrics "who let the dogs out?"). To have it all laid out, clearly defined, and have a set of goals in place I can focus in developing my skills with this sword and increase my health in the mean time. Speaking of health (and no I'm not just speaking physically), I've started playing with fire (or at least what I would consider to be fire). It's the kind of fire used in glass blowing that molds you, clarifies you and turns you into something beautifully unique. I've decided to stop waiting for things to happen in order to begin pursuing things that would help me become the me I feel God is calling me to be. I haven't heard back from many schools, I'm tired of my jobs and I need something new, something that can get me placed where I need to be in my career, life and spiritual walk. So I've started looking at those plans and if something comes up great! But I can't just sit here and wait when I've been obviously called to a great adventure. I'm learning to take a risk, in a way throwing caution to the wind as I've been so tied down there's no where for me to go. Unless I was uprooted. This is in many ways scary since I've been blessed with so many good things. But these good things don't seem to be getting me in the right direction. Sometimes they're a hindrance to me, despite their goodness. So I need to begin to go after God's best. It's risky, it's like playing with fire, but I think God wants it that way in order for me to bloom and to become something beautiful. Ecclesiastes 3:11 (my ALL TIME favorite verse) - For God makes all things beautiful in it's time. And He has set eternity in the hearts of man; yet they cannot fathom what God has done from beginning to end. This last week I received news that my brother was laid off from his job with Microsoft (while on paternity leave). Yes I'm an auntie again to a beautiful little girl - Rowan Elizabeth Lynne; who joins big sister Kerrigan in the shenanigans :) My heart almost broke as the all-consuming thought popped into my head that they might move out of state and I wont be there to help Kerrigan and Rowan grow up. My dreams come true taken away; it was almost one of those Isaac moments - could I let go of something so incredibly precious to me in order for God to do something miraculous? I asked myself: Do I trust God enough that He is going to work in their lives without my involvement? We don't know what the future holds and I know I've held so much fear especially where relationships are concerned. So I'm working on overcoming fear. At my last counseling session I told my counselor all about this but failed to mention from the previous week that I did go to my school's 20th Anniversary celebration. I was so scared of facing the very school, the people, the classmates that I ran away from. And yet I went and it was marvelously healing - I did have some really wonderful and good times at that school. And I forgot because I was so focused on all the bad apples in the bunch that I threw every last one away. So when I emailed my counselor about this he said to me "that was brave." It was like I was offered a million dollars with that one sentence. My self-esteem boosted by about 8 points and he got about 20 brownie points in my head. I've always felt I was expected to do the right thing, but to be given this consideration from someone other than my parents really impacted me in a powerful way. So here it goes: for those of you who have walked into a crowd of people trembling inside but you walk into it anyways - you are so brave. To those of you who have secretly struggled inside while plastering a smile day-in, day-out - you are brave (and you are super brave if you seek out someone to help). To those of you who are fighting illness within your being - you are brave. To those of you who step into other people's pain - you are brave. And to those of you who face challenge, get knocked down more times than is fair, and yet you still get back up again - you are brave. Blessings and peace! ~Eliana