As I closed my highlighter I sat back, feeling the full weight of what Jesus said. How many times have I read over this verse? How many times has it impacted me the way it is at this very moment? I reread the verse, continuing on through the entire section.
The Most Important Commandment
28 One
of the teachers of religious law was standing there listening to the
debate. He realized that Jesus had answered well, so he asked, “Of all
the commandments, which is the most important?”
29 Jesus replied, “The most important commandment is this: ‘Listen, O Israel! The Lord our God is the one and only Lord. 30 And you must love the Lord your God with all your heart, all your soul, all your mind, and all your strength.’[g] 31 The second is equally important: ‘Love your neighbor as yourself.’[h] No other commandment is greater than these.”32 The teacher of religious law replied, “Well said, Teacher. You have spoken the truth by saying that there is only one God and no other. 33 And I know it is important to love him with all my heart and all my understanding and all my strength, and to love my neighbor as myself. This is more important than to offer all of the burnt offerings and sacrifices required in the law.”
34 Realizing how much the man understood, Jesus said to him, “You are not far from the Kingdom of God.” And after that, no one dared to ask him any more questions.
Jesus said "You are not far from the Kingdom of God." I sat there in a conundrum; how much of this did I fully understand? No other commandment is greater than this but to love the LORD with all of my being and then also to love my neighbor as myself.
Standing, I started thinking back over the last number of months. I looked down at the ring on my finger, the promise I had made years ago to remain faithful and pure until I entered into a Godly marriage. But it's so much more than that. I know it's so much more than that, but I don't fully know.
What does it mean to love God with all of my being? Am I doing that? I needed to go for a walk. So I grab my keys, drive 20 minutes away to my favorite park and I just walk.
I notice the trees around me. It's the dead of winter, not much snow is on the ground, and it's a warm February day. The lake is still frozen over, tire tracks and foot prints show me that the world is still moving, living and breathing. The wind comes and blows through my hair, sending chills down my back but also lifting me to embrace the life and breath it brings with it. A couple passes me and again I look down at the ring on my finger. All my heart, all my soul, all my mind, and all my strength. Love the LORD and love my neighbor as myself. I look at the couple again as they continue on their leisurely stroll and wonder again at what it would be like to have that kind of relationship. But I remember, not yet. And I'm glad it's not yet. My heart longs, and yet I know that the best thing I can do is to love the LORD.
I ponder over the discussions I've had over the last number of months, about what it means to have a healthy sexuality and yet be single and pure. One of the greatest gifts that God could give us is the gift of sexuality - male and female. To see and experience and live in this world through the lens of "male" or "female". And at the root of it is the deepest and truest desire for intimacy and connection with God. It allows us to explore what it means to love the LORD with all of our being and to love our neighbor as ourselves. And in order to appropriately explore what that means we need to have healthy means in all stages of our lives to express this. Unfortunately, I've and many within my generation have fallen into the shame based mentality within the church that the only way to express your sexuality is within the confines of a godly marriage. That you need to closet away a part of yourself until marriage. That as a single person the way to remain pure is to abstain in all forms from letting your sexuality be expressed. But by closeting away something beautiful that God has given to you to steward, you fall prey to the voice of shame and sin begins to creep into your life. Shame hides and thrives within secrecy and judgement. It caters to the pain and brokenness within your heart and tells you that you better not screw it up, that you better not let anyone know because then you will be rejected and end up alone. It says "you don't belong and you are unworthy of love because of this secret sin." It makes us desperate to not be alone, to hide ourselves and yet do whatever we can to have a place where we have found love and belonging. When we are in such a desperate place, we know what's right to do and yet we do the very thing we don't want to do. And shame further begets sin, which leads to more shame and before you know it you've developed unhealthy patterns of living and you find yourself in unhealthy relationships and even deeper brokenness.
And yet within marriage, suddenly we're expected to know how to "love your neighbor as yourself". How can you adequately love your spouse in the truest, purest, and deepest sense without knowing how to love yourself? And how can you even begin to love yourself unless you love the LORD with your whole being?
It's because of this that I'm grateful that for right now I am single. It is possible for a single person to express their sexuality without being sexual, to stay pure and healthy without hiding away a valued part of yourself. Right now, I have a chance to learn how to wholeheartedly give my time, effort, energy and means to loving the Lord. To learn what it means to love myself; to allow the fullness and realness of who I am as a holistic being, dearly loved by God, express a full love back to Him. Only then can I begin to love my neighbor. Only then am I in a position where I can adequately be able to express my sexuality within this season of singleness. To draw near to God, to sit at His feet and let Him love me. To channel the love I have for Him onto those around me whom I consider "neighbor." To know and understand and answer their needs and desires because my needs and desires are met in knowing, understanding, and loving God with all that I am.
So I look down at the ring on my finger, once again. I remember the promise of faithfulness and purity. I remember that for now this ring is a preparation for faithfulness and purity within a marriage relationship. I allow myself to dream, I allow myself to hope, to ponder what it would be like. I allow my heart to long, and I remind myself that even what my heart longs for will not satisfy...that only Jesus will satisfy every longing and desire of my heart. That my sexuality for right now as someone labeled "single" is to steward a heart of passion for the Lord towards others, to beautify and bless their lives, to find ways to answer and meet their needs and desires, to develop deeper, truer friendships. To bring a message of hope and life to the hurting and brokenhearted, to shine a Light in the darkness. To study and to ask questions, to seek answers and wisdom from those whose experiences are different than mine, and from those who have gone before. To give and to serve out of a place of fulfillment; to give and to serve out of a place of intimacy with Jesus. To stop listening to the voice of shame and begin to listen to the voice of Truth. To be bold and tenacious in going after the things of God. To be vulnerable and let the world see the real me in all of it's beauty and ugliness. To admit that I need the Refiner's fire to purify me of all the dross and impurities that are there in every facet of my life and being - including my sexuality. Yes, even as a "single" person. To allow the healing to take place in my life, in the areas where the brokenness sometimes is too hard to even remember. To learn to forgive myself and others. And to stand on the promise that every tear will be wiped away, and that one day there will be no more pain and suffering. For me, that is what it means to have a healthy sexuality as a "single" person.
So this Valentine's Day I'm going to chose to focus on this. To love the LORD with all my heart, all my soul, all my mind and all my strength. And to love my neighbor as myself. I may still be sad that I don't have a date and I wont be going on a romantic dinner and I wont receive a bouquet of roses, but I know that love is more than just romantic. So on the day that we celebrate love I will choose to celebrate the Ultimate Love.
Blessings!!
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