When My Faith is Too Small in My Great, Big God

Over the last number of weeks I have walked through a situation with a friend's family that has been very, very, painfully difficult. A family member, who is also a friend of mine, made some choices in the face of severe spiritual attack and extreme anxiety that left all of those around her in gut-wrenching tears and pleading for her life. A choice that will impact her for the rest of her life and is leading her to put her life on hold so she can get the help she needs. And as I walk with, alongside, this family I'm constantly reminded to trust in God. And honestly, when someone's life is at stake and you are desperate to find a way to help make things better, when the darkness of the situation seems overwhelming, when the caretakers are too professionalized to see this friend as a person anymore, there is no greater or better action to take than to fall to your knees and raise your hands toward heaven, declaring that in even this "God you are worthy to be praised!"

Often, the choices we make in this world come out of a place of doubt, fear, hurt, a need to control, and a wrong sense of responsibility and ownership. And often, our sin-nature compels us to make choices we really regret. We were made for action, we were made to work, and as people made in the image of God we have a desire for justice and righteousness to prevail in the face of extreme darkness. But sometimes we feel that taking the time to focus on trusting God and waiting for Him to move is being idle and lazy, when we want to be anything but idle. And yet, when you've really walked through seasons of working on trusting God you know that it is anything but idle - it can often be extremely difficult and challenging.

I read an article this morning about the situation going on with my favorite TV family - the Duggars - as they face the story of their oldest son coming to light in the public eye. Now, in my personal opinion I really don't like that someone dug up the dirt for the sole purpose of exposing and shaming people when the right course of action was done years ago and wrongs were rectified and lives were reconciled. But I'm also reminded of my own current struggle with my own sin life, as I'm daily reminded that I am weak, so very weak, in this battle with my sin-nature. I'm constantly wanting to shame myself, I'm constantly feeling like I'm not even worthy to eat the pig slop like in the story of the prodigal son. I feel unworthy to wash the feet of Jesus. And yet God reminds me, because of His grace and goodness, "Eliana, just let me love you!"

I think back over the years with this struggle. I know that it started out of a place of extreme hurt, confusion, and wrongdoings that were done towards me that left me broken and seeking ways to fill the void. I know that my efforts to seek answers on my own led me anywhere but to the truth - the real Truth. I wish I could go back to my much younger self and tell her to run into the arms of Jesus to fill this void, to fix this brokenness, to find wholeness in Him alone. But alas, the shame I felt over what happened led me into secrecy and isolation because I felt that God's grace wasn't big enough for what I was dealing with. I felt that God's love was better used elsewhere than on the girl who was supposed to be and expected to be pure goodness but was tainted and fallen.

How many times have we done this to ourselves? How many times have we felt that not only in life situations but in our own personal lives, with our real selves, that God wasn't big enough?

"God wont talk to me because I've done too many bad things."
"Why would God use me when I have a tainted past?"
"If people really knew me I would be shunned and rejected."

May I remind you of Moses, Abraham, Jacob, Rahab, Mary Magdalene, Aaron, and Paul to name a few...

Proverbs 3:5-7 "Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding; in all your ways acknowledge Him and He will make your path straight. Do not be wise in your own eyes; fear the Lord and turn away from evil."

OR according to the NLT (which is a version I really like): Proverbs 3:5-7 "Trust in the Lord with all your heart; do not depend on your own understanding. Seek his will in all you do, and he will show you which path to take. Don't be impressed with your own wisdom. Instead, fear the Lord and turn away from evil."

How many times have I felt that the Lord was holding out on me? How many times did I run to doing my own thing to fix my own problems and instead made things worse? How many times did I think I could do something in my own strength and ended up failing, then questioned why God let me fall short? How many times did I choose the wrong thing and turn my face away from God in complete shame only to be embraced completely, ALL of me, by the King of Kings and Lord of Lords? 

That's the thing about grace - we completely do not deserve it. We never earned it, we can never even live a life good enough to give back to God what he gave to us. We screw it up every single day because we're human; every day we have to depend on God for our salvation. And He even went further to give us an advocate to live inside us, leading us toward all truth. This means we can never do anything to earn our salvation and we can never do anything to lose our salvation.

I believe this so strongly and am constantly discussing it here in my blog because I have witnessed and even personally experienced the damage shame can do - it leads us to believe that God's grace and love is not good enough to handle and save and change us to turn away from the sin and evil in our own lives. LIES! 

With God ALL things are possible. ALL sin, ALL demonic powers, ALL authorities have now come under the Lordship of Jesus Christ, which is the name above every other name. 

Here are a few verses to study: Matthew 19:26, Philippians 2:9, Colossians 2:15, John 14, Ephesians 1:7

  

I could give a list of all of the reasons why it is bad to harbor shame in our lives, how it's at the root of 90% of mental illness problems, how it leads to increased stress and anxiety, how it leads to unhealthy relationships and self-hatred and poor self-esteem. And the truth is there is really no easy way to not be stuck in shame because it is such a knee-jerk reaction in all of our lives. But I want you to know that God accepts you even when you are covered in shame. His love for you is greater and bigger than the full-weight of all of our sins we committed in the past and will commit in the future. We were made in the image of God and therefore we were made with a sense of striving for righteousness. But because of the brokenness that sin brought into everything in this world we continually fall short of God's glorious standard. A standard that I think we all really want to achieve but honestly can't because we are born broken and prone to sin. God made us as very good; we are inherently good and pleasing to God. And He knows that we struggle daily to strive towards being "good", being what we were made to be, so He gave us everything we need for life and godliness (2 Peter 1:3) because He is able to sympathize and understand us in every way (Hebrews 4:15). 

So when shame hinders our faith, our trust, our hope in God we need to remember the Truth of the Gospel (remember some of the verses I gave above?). God can handle our sin - He already has - we just need to resist the temptation to limit our faith according to the voice of shame. If God is bigger than our sin then He is bigger than our shame too. And even when we continue to struggle when others just have to pray and are simply healed and freed instantaneously we can rest in knowing that God is giving us the grace to deal with our struggles; that He is there WITH us, holding us, encouraging us, empowering us, strengthening us in our deepest and darkest places of struggle, hurt and brokenness. And there's peace in that and there's freedom in that as well. 

Be blessed!