Greetings from Escondido, California! It's a quiet early afternoon and I'm sitting out on our patio on vacation with the nice Pacific Ocean breeze and looking at the vineyards and Eucalyptus trees all around me. It's beautiful here!
Today is 15 years since the 9/11 attacks on the World Trade Center and 1 week away from my 11 year testimony anniversary. The past couple days I've become rather sentimental as I look back and see all that God has done in my life since He saved me September 18, 2005. God has gifted me with the task of transparency and it's something that not many people understand or appreciate about me until their heartstrings are touched. And I've had to do some boundaries work to not always place myself in such a vulnerable position with people, because some people are not trustworthy. And even those that are can still hurt profoundly.
Looking back on my high school years this event of God saving me has come up time and time again as the most vivid journey for me during that point in my life. The thing I remember the most. A turning point in my relationship with God and landmark for the shift for the rest of my life. The tie between the past and the future comes up again and again as I look at this one particular date. Lately I've been really struggling with my relationship with God. For the past few months I've been telling my counselor time and time again that something needs to change in my faith. I need to do something different because even though I've gotten my passion back after the shaking I went through during my time working at Medica the tenderness, sweetness and delight that once was there between me and Jesus is not there. I feel like pieces of me had to be sent away on vacation until God brings some changes in my life that allow me the safety to let those parts of me to live abundantly. It's not what I wanted nor what I believe God wanted for me but nevertheless I wait for the day that God can let me walk fully in freedom.
This past week there was a shift that came in my life. After a month of seeking God to dismantle the walls I've put up in my heart, afraid of being vulnerable and of letting love in, things started shifting for me and some of the tenderness came back. But it came when I realized I was limiting my view of God.
When I was little I dreamed of the day when I could be married. And oh I dreamed, and when dreams hit reality and frustrations came and I was hurt and fear settled into my heart I escaped into my dreams. Leading to more frustration, more fear and more hurt. My first dreams hit reality shattering moment happened when I was 9 years old and I was left ashamed and very confused. Very confused and that confusion scared me and I thought I was the one who did something wrong never fully understanding what was fully done to me. Suddenly dreams were clouded with confusion and fear. Then the bullying shifted. The older I got the more the guys who had bullied me since first grade came at me, bribing each other to hug me, teasing me for my strong fearful reactions towards guys. Saying things loudly to me in the lunch room that I didn't fully understand and was honestly incredibly afraid of. I escaped into my dreams. And I turned to Jesus. The image of Him as the Bridegroom and Lover really brought me a lot of comfort and I would escape into a world of pure beauty and bliss in my imagination. Just me and Jesus. We would dance, He would sing over me and I would let Him love me. And I could talk with Him for hours. His love never hurt me, and that was where I was safe. Jesus and my Daddy were the only men I would remotely let close to me.
But the truth was I couldn't live in that dream land. I had to learn to live in reality because that was where God had called me to. 11 years ago He made that very clear that He has called me to live and live fully and be fruitful with the gifts and talents and abilities He has endowed to me. But reality was scary. My anxiety grew and my emotions continued to be all over the place. So I sought some help.
For two years we have addressed my fear of men. For two years I have been on this emotional rollercoaster, shaking at each step as I allowed myself to trust more and more. For the first time my fears started to ebb, but today looking back I never fully understood how deeply my fears went, how much damage needed and still needs to be repaired. But when God led me into a co-ed small group, a small group who was very into swing dancing and hanging out, I began expanding my journey of facing my fear of men outside of the counseling room. And my fears started growing quieter and quieter.
Back to this week, I finally realized that the fearful reactions have begun to grow less and less. And with that has also grown less need for me to see Jesus as that Bridegroom. That as my fear has grown quieter I have begun to shift my view of Jesus away from how it's been since I was little into more. And I think that's a good thing. What I've been experiencing for the last couple months has been a need to shed the old skin, a transition into something more. I didn't realize that I needed to let that go and expand my perspective and my relationship with God. It's a journey of adding color, layers and depth. A maturing.
A testing of fire. A purification. And then a new journey of pouring out into others. A new season to teach others about Jesus. To help bring them closer to Him. I think for the first time in my life I'm actually coming alongside Jesus in His work - which was actually the calling He placed on my life 11 years ago when He saved my life and set me free from suicidal depression.
That knowledge alone of what God has done in my life over 11 years brings me to my knees.
Fall is here!!
13 years ago
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