Being

It was several years ago I came into an awakening of sorts. An awakening of me, an awakening of others, and the experiences I had walked through for most of my life. I would look at myself in the mirror and hate what I saw peering back. My eyes were clouded by lenses I believed I should have been wearing, dictated by what was around me and what I believed was right and wrong. I used to spend so much energy trying to fit myself into who others believed I should be and my reputation was held with such high priority that I learned to constantly be concerned with what people thought of me. I built myself a pedestal and stood up on it believing that was where I was supposed to be and thought I was being the dutiful, obedient, well-mannered young woman that I always dreamed I would be. And yet I hated who I was. I couldn't even allow myself to enter into being human, the experience of enduring humanity with all of it's foibles and frailty and beauty.

I recently saw "Wonder Woman" and it it was this message of whether man is good but deceived by an evil being or are they truly inherently evil and just tempted by an evil being. And if they are inherently evil are they worthy of being saved? It's a question worth pondering. Just talk to any parent and they will tell you that humans are inherently sinful. Worthy of being saved? If we were to truly look at ourselves, see ourselves staring back in that mirror would we be able to say that we are worthy of being saved? Maybe some would question the reasoning behind needing to be saved. Maybe some would question why worth is even a question. But it is still a question we each have to ask. Are humans worthy of being saved? Am I worthy of being saved?

It has been a journey to say the least of finding beauty in the brokenness, finding worth in the filth, and believing ashes could be turned into diamonds. Learning to look in the mirror and find worth and beauty in the flaws and imperfections of all of my being staring back. Being honest about the truth of what is in my heart. Honest about what it means to have this body and it's humanness. Discerning about my tendencies versus what I truly desire in every way - body, mind, spirit, will, emotions, etc. Radically accepting my story as my story, that it is a part of me and makes up my present experience. But that I am more than my story. Which means the present sadness, anger, happiness, excitement, bitterness, etc., that I am currently experiencing isn't where I'm going to stay. Nothing brings me more joy than knowing that God can use any of it and all of it for something beautiful. I just have to surrender to Him.

There have been recent events that happened that revealed to me that even painful things can produce beautiful fruit. Like a friend's hurtful words, spurring me towards making some changes that God has been speaking to me about for some time. Or an anxious spell that revealed several beautiful gifts in my life that I didn't notice before. Or my PTSD pushing me to dig deep into God's heart so I can be set free to be me as a woman of God. You learn a lot about yourself and about God when suffering has a place at the dinner table.

I have a tendency to find my life in the extremes. But what I noticed was so do so many other people. And I think it's because we try to avoid the pain, the suffering and the brokenness. We don't know how to take it by it's hand and let it be a close friend. Instead we are afraid, chaotic, confused and full of shame. Pain, suffering, brokenness becomes too much on top of that. Just as the Israelites cried out for God to deliver them from Egypt, they had to endure more pain and suffering for them to be rid of their slave mentality. God desired for them to enter into the Promised Land, but first they had to learn to be who they really were. And that took stripping away their current identity for their true identity - a Light to the Nations.

"It is suffering that has the realist possibility to bear down and deliver grace. And grace that chooses to bear the cross of suffering overcomes that suffering." ~ Ann Voskamp One Thousand Gifts.

Joy and grace are found in the suffering, in accepting that to live is to endure pain. And just as Christ bore the pain of the cross for our freedom, so too must we enter into His death so we can enter into His resurrection. The brokenness in our lives become breaks in the veil to peer into the Holy One's heart, an invitation to draw near to Him and listen closely to His voice. It causes us to be transformed as it slowly strips away pieces of ourselves so that God can fill the voids in our lives with His love and grace. The pain and suffering may not go away, we may have to endure our entire lives with an ongoing place of suffering. "God is our refuge and strength, always ready to help in times of trouble. So we will not fear when earthquakes come and the mountains crumble into the sea." Psalms 46:1. Without God our suffering has no meaning. There is no purpose to the pain and troubles that come into our lives without the Cross, without God's redemption. To know that the pain and brokenness in our lives has a purpose and can be used by God offers us a profound hope in the midst of our darkness. Even Jesus had to suffer so we could be set free. We are not alone.

God can do something beautiful with it in the midst of our suffering. Only in accepting  and making room for our pain, suffering, brokenness, frailty and failure will we ever be free to truly live and be. Only in surrendering and accepting the pain, brokenness and ugliness of the Cross can our pain be redeemed and made into a mosaic of beauty.