5am, Crying and Afraid

I would normally have something encouraging, challenging, and/or uplifting to say on here but I don't right now. I should but I just need to get some things off my chest.

God has been ever so faithful this last semester. I have seen Him work in mighty ways and my life has been changed. But now the semester is coming to a close and I'm afraid to leave Bethel and the friends that I have here and head back home into a life where I constantly am bombarded with things from the past. I walked into Bethel not knowing a soul and deciding that this would be a wonderful place for me to start over and begin a whole new volume of my life. I love summer, I love being able to get outside, but I'm afraid of what might come with summer. Mainly, the question that has been nagging me is whether or not people will want to be with me - people who I went to school with and grew up with. Do they need me in their life? Have I made such a difference in their life that they want me to be there with them, living life together. Will people, the people I call friends, will they need me?

The reason why this question even has to be asked is because this last school year I have over and over and over again by people from my "other" life have not expressed any such desire to want to be with me or that they need me in their life. And I have been hurt by this. Relationships has always been where I am who I was made to be, but it has also always been the place where I am the most hurt. Rejection had become my closest companion in the past and it's constantly trying to rekindle that old "relationship."

I feel misunderstood a lot. I feel like people don't get me and so they try to avoid me. I hate sounding needy but that's what I am right now. I'm needy because I woke up at 5am, crying, this morning because going through my head were certain texts with well-meant messages but had been said in such a way that wounded me in my most vulnerable spot. Will people ever understand this almost craving in my soul to be with others? Will people ever understand that I constantly ask myself "what can I change about myself to become someone this person needs and will call at 2am if they need to talk?"

I'm afraid for summer to come. I'm afraid of not being wanted. I'm afraid of not being needed. I'm afraid of leaving people from Bethel who have expressed such fierce love for me that chains from wounds from the past have been broken and I have stepped into a new me (although probably right now that's not evident).

I need to know that I'm wanted. I need to know that I'm needed. And I need people to tell me that they want me and need me.