Beauty to Be Delighted In

I had originally wanted to call this "Beauty to be Found" but it made it sound too much like I'm lost. Instead, I thought it more appropriate to call it "Delighted In."

Because no one reads what I write I think I'll just pour out my heart on the pages of this site because it's not going to be read anyways so it's safe.

I have never really seen myself as beautiful. I've always looked at other girls who were skinny and had the looks and felt ashamed when they said to themselves "I'm ugly. I'm fat." I always dreamed of maybe being Cinderella - who worked hard and was incredibly gorgeous and then one day a prince would rescue her.

Whenever I look in the mirror I see two faces. I see the face of an ugly duckling staring back at me but hidden behind that ugly duckling face I see the swan shinning through. As the lyrics of Mulan goes "when will my reflection show who I am inside?"

As I've gone through life I've been forced to face the ugly duckling on a regular basis while everyone tries to hide the swan from view. My exterior never lines up with the swan, instead it matches perfectly with the ugly duckling. The swan is there and she sings out beautifully but people ignore it because they can only see the ugly duckling.

All men have been a place of pain in my life. To be quite honest, the only man on earth I trust and respect is my dad. All others I expect to be hurt by and so far, except for a few very rare exceptions, I have been. I feel like they can only see the ugly duckling and don't want to go deeper to see the swan. But the swan is there. Oh she is there and wants to come out but people can't see. Why can't men see the swan!? I don't want them to see the swan for romantic reasons but for friendship reasons. I feel so outcasted, so shoved into a corner by men that they don't even want friendship with me.

When will my reflection show who I am inside? The swan is there. I'm not the ugly duckling, I am the swan. This swan walks in front of the whole world in expectation of her beauty to be delighted in with the purest reasons. But they can't see her...why?

This brings me to my new deep sorrow. I feel like because men can't even delight in my beauty as a friend then I'll never have the hope of having a man delight in my beauty as a lover. And here come the tears...

To change here I wanted to mention for my own later reference, since I'm the only one reading this, that what I mean by a friend I mean someone who wants to spend time with me, good quality time. I don't want to be "Hi, how are you doing?" friends, I want to be "How are YOU doing?" friends.

I am not the ugly duckling, I am the swan...but this swan is waiting for her beauty to be delighted in...