The Fire

There are times in life when things are unfair. When we're forced to walk on a path we did not want to walk down, we are not able to see what's ahead and each step is filled with pain. What is the purpose? Why do I have to go down this path? Where is the hope?

Being in such a helpless position we can try to control, to lash out, to avoid, to defend ourselves. And it leaves us exhausted and more hurt. We can never know the purpose behind why God allows us to go down such journeys in life. We can never understand why he let so much pain happen to us. But what I do know is that He is right there right beside us the whole way through. And if we just let ourselves cling to Him and surrender the situation into His loving arms His truth will prevail.

This last week I was faced with a harsh reality that I may have a diagnosis I didn't want, a diagnosis that would re-write the narrative of my story and color over the beauty of pieces of who I am that I love and cherish and have worked hard to protect for years. Things I held close to me and clung to so no one else could take them. I felt vulnerable, exposed and unsafe. And like an ominous storm was coming my way and I was trapped against the steep face of a mountain with no-where to go. And yet somewhere deep inside I searched for hope, I searched for truth. I chose to surrender and give the situation over to God. I chose to hit the ground in prayer and cling to my Lord. Asking God to let His light shine, to let His truth be known in this.

I wrestled with understanding what God's purpose was in this. I wrestled with trying to understand how I wasn't helpless in this. And I decided to trust - to trust that people were not going to leave me, to trust that I was going to be taken care of, to trust that God was going to bring healing, to trust that I am who God told me I am, over and over in this storm. "You are my daughter. You are my child." I wrestled with not letting my perspectives of people change as I waited for the news - because if I received this news then it meant that some others were going to be faced with change as well.

I realized in this that I have grown lazy in letting God be the one to fill me - that I've turned to others to fill only what God could fill. I realized in this that God is my protector and if I surrendered that which I was trying to protect into His arms alone to protect that they're much safer than in my own hands anyways. And when it came time there was peace and trust and a deep sense of love. I was terrified and yet I was safe. And because I was had surrendered into God's hands that which was the most precious to me - including the relationships I had developed over the last few years that would be the most impacted - I was able to dig for truth and right understanding. And in the end I walked away knowing I had just experienced a faith victory.

If my brokenness draws me closer to God, then let me be broken. If I have to understand intense loss in order to see all that I have gained, then let me lose everything. If I have to fall on my face in the filth of this world to know beauty, then let me fall.

It's like the story of Abraham and Isaac - laying the promises that God has given you on the altar. Letting not even the blessings of God come before the blessing of knowing God. Letting no gift be before the gift Giver. We seek His face before we seek His hand. We seek knowing the healer before we seek the healing.

It's the beauty of what it means to live in a broken and sinful world - in our weakness, in our brokenness, in our shame, in our struggles and in our pain God is right there with us. He leads us through the fire and tells us to just cling to Him. He tells us to fix our gaze on Him alone, to trust Him because He will NEVER leave us. He has not left us orphans, He has not left us desolate, abandoned, rejected and scorned. He makes ALL things beautiful in it's time. And it's the journey of a thousand miles that makes the sunrise and sunset all the more beautiful, that makes the birds in the trees a delight to hear. That makes the innocence of a baby all the more sweeter to bear. Because He is right there...