Unsafe

Safety. It's one of the primary desires of all humans. To be safe. To be protected. All other desires fall away when our safety is threatened physically, emotionally, psychologically, relationally and spiritually.


The desire to feel safe has personally been an immense struggle in my life. There are few moments in my life when I didn't feel unsafe; since I was a young child there was always something that I could find that made me feel unsafe. Whether it was the monster in my closet, the dark, the loud noises down the street, the looks of people. The words said to me, the social interactions, the traumatic experiences...And now as an adult I struggle with a lot of fear and anxiety as a result.


This week I'm faced with preparing myself for some news later this week that I am terrified of receiving. It's news that for one has placed me in a position where I feel rather helpless against. Feeling helpless is the worst! And it's news that if I receive it will mean that I am in an even more unsafe situation. At least in my mind. It's news that threatens so many features of who I am that I love and cherish.


Features of who I am that I have tried protecting all these years - even to the point of hiding them away so that no one could hurt them or take them away. Over the last year I feel like I've regained so many pieces to who I am that I didn't even know or realize I had because I was starting to feel safe. But this news that's coming feels like a big ominous storm coming my way and I'm backed up against a mountain. I'm frantically looking for a crevice, a cave to hide away in. Someplace safe. I feel my defenses rising, anger rising, and I'm wanting to blame to fight to retaliate.


And yet at night when I'm in bed and I'm wondering if there's anything more about me that's broken or is this finally it. When I cry out to God "Lord, who am I?!" He speaks loudly back "You are my daughter. You are my child."


When I yell at God that He asks too much of me, my best friend reminds me "We are dust." God expects nothing from us except that which He gives. He expects everything from Jesus.


When I feel like fighting back against the storm coming my way, when I clutch close my satchel of the gems of the pieces of who I am that I love and cherish the Lord comes to me and says "Here, let me protect those. Give them to me so they will be safe."


And when I turn to cling to God, to fall at His feet; when I realize my helplessness and that I need to respond in the best way that will honor and glorify Him, when I realize I can't expect things from people anymore...sweet peace flows over me and somewhere out of the abyss I find the strength to keep moving on.


God, I declare you Lord of this situation. And even if it means my safety is removed, may you still be glorified.