The Anniversary

Inhale. Exhale. Inhale. Exhale. It all means much more on a day such as today.

I watch the way my arms and hands look as they stir my morning coffee. I praise God for my morning shower, for the drive to church. I look around at all the people around me and I thank God I get to know them. Life. Today I'm grateful for life.

So much has happened. 11 years of life has happened. Not all of it was good, there were some really really low points, some hard periods, but there was a lot of joyful moments, and way too many blessings to count. I praise God for it all. Every step along this journey is worthy to praise God for because it's a gift. A gift I almost threw away.

All because I was overwhelmed by a darkness I could not overcome.

As a 14-year old, I was already in a fragile stage of life. So many changes already taking place. But I was a Christian. I was supposed to be joyful. Depression was shameful...Maybe I really wasn't saved? Lord, help me.

I hear the classmates say stuff. The teasing, the bullying...I try to fit in. Do something silly and embarrass myself as the girls laugh. 14 is very fragile. I know people love me, but I feel very outcast. I couldn't let anyone know I was struggling or hurting lest they find something more to tease me about. Lest they draw conclusions about me I did not like. They couldn't know. And my parents dare not know because it would break their heart. Lord help me.

Alone and scared I turned to God. Every night I would cry. Every night the Lord held me in His arms, spoke His love to me, and comforted me so I could fall asleep. The darkness grew thicker and thicker.

I wasn't supposed to be like this. I told myself when I was younger I would never become like this. The despair and loneliness...the fear...I wanted out. And from my perspective there was only one way out of this. Lord help me.

On the night I became suicidal I had two visions. The first was of heaven. Every cell in my body screamed "we're home!" The second was of sick and dying children. "You can either come home with Me. Or you can stay and bring these little ones home with you," was the choice God gave me. I chose to stay. A few weeks later, September 18, 2005, a man came to my church as a guest speaker. I don't remember what was shared but I remember it moved me. I remember I gave up helping in the nursery to listen to him. At the end of the sermon he invited everyone forward so he could pray individually for us. "Lord do whatever" I said. No expectation. Didn't even really believe this was going to be an important moment.

"Lord, take away all the rejection." He prayed over me three times. That was all he said. In a split second something deep down inside was released. A piece of my soul that had been strangled was released. I felt something slash across my body and something fell off of me. It felt like the ground even shook. Like a thorn being removed. Chains being thrown off of me. In an instant I was freed. I fell to the ground and wept for two hours as God's love and joy washed over me.

I was free.

11 years is a gift. Every moment another thing to praise God for. The good and the bad, all a gift. So today I celebrate the anniversary. God commanded the Israelites to remember what God had done. To build altars and memorials at the sights of God's faithfulness. So every year I remember. I remember and I pray for others who have been impacted by depression and suicide.

The Garden

I walked through a fire destroyed land,

Dead trees and branches lay all around.

My heart was heavy and my spirit was depressed,

As I looked at the destruction at its best.

Left, right – I knew not which way to turn.

All I knew was to cry as I let my anger burn.

Hurt, rejected, beaten down was all I understood.

Where once a lavished garden thrived

Is now a burned out waste land with no light.

Where once a little girl learned to dance

Now there is only burned up branches – a remnant of the past

How could it have gotten this far?

How could the fire have destroyed so much?

Hurt, rejected, beaten down was all I understood.

As I sat there with tears of hurt streaming down my face

A voice called softly from the distance.

It said “Come this way!”

It beckoned me to follow ever so gently.

And in that direction I went silently.

The walk brought back angry memories from the past

Reliving how the fire ravished everything good.

How could walking in this direction make things any better?

And yet I walked on ever so silently.

Hurt, rejected, beaten down was all I understood.

After an eternity of walking something appeared in the distance.

Something green, alive, and beautiful.

My feet went quicker and soon I was upon it;

A rose bush was what stood right in front of me.

Small and beautiful, with bright pink roses.

How could it have survived the fire?

How did it not get destroyed?

Hurt, rejected, and hopeful was all I understood.

I looked down at my feet as the tears began to flow

And there right beside me was a watering pail.

I knelt down beside it unsure of what to do,

And then a light hand touched my shoulder.

I did not turn around, I was unsure of this warmth I felt.

And then I heard a voice whisper in my ear,

“Water the roses.”

So I took that pail and ever so gently watered the roses.

Hurt, rejected, and hopeful was all I understood.

As I knelt there watering the roses the bush began to grow.

I watched in amazement as it became big and beautiful.

I set the pail down and the ground around it sprouted with grasses.

Quickly, I rose, stepping back in awe.

Grasses and daisies sprouting around my feet.

Sunlight alighted the bush and the roses sparkled in delight.

My breath was taken away at everything that was happening.

Amazed, rejected, and hopeful was all I understood.

I suddenly became aware of the warm hand on my shoulder.

I turned and before me stood a man.

His face was beautiful and His eyes were full of love.

He was dressed in the finest linen and His garments bespoke of righteousness.

Everything within me felt drawn to Him.

With His arms stretched out, I ran to Him;

He embraced me ever so lovingly and the tears began to flow.

He held me ever tighter so.

Amazed, loved, and hopeful was all I understood.

I stepped back to look at this man who held me with such Love

And as I looked into His face I felt wholly unworthy

I fell to my knees, weeping at my shame.

Then the man said “Here, let Me take that off your back”

And He took off a pack I did not know I carried.

I watched as He walked up to a tree and place it on its branches.

As He stepped back the tree transformed into a Cross

The tears kept flowing; I felt completely free.

I stood to my feet and was amazed at the lightness I finally felt.

Amazed, loved, and hopeful was all I understood.

And then right in front of me sprang a lake and a waterfall,

And then trees and more flowers came in a beautiful wave of light.

A butterfly flew past me and a little deer ran right in front of me.

Rabbits pranced around my feet and birds sang in the branches.

I became breathless at the miracle all around me:

Where once there was death and now there is life.

I looked back to the man and returned to His outstretched arms.

Amazed, loved, and free was all I understood.

This man lifted me into His arms and spun me around;

Laughter filled the air.

I felt complete and whole within His arms,

And I hugged Him with everything I could.

He set me back down and began to sing.

His song went deep into my heart and took root there.

Then He took my hand and we began to dance.

Twirling and spinning, swinging and dipping;

Dancing to the most beautiful song I had ever heard.

Complete, loved, and free was all I understood.

As I gazed into His eyes of love He smiled back at me.

He wiped away the tears streaming down my face

And bent to whisper,

“My precious diamond, I love you! Rest in My love.”

Ashes now turned to beauty.

And as Love coursed through my veins I closed my eyes,

Resting in His love as I drifted off to sleep.

Safe in His arms, and loved for all eternity.

No longer hurt, no longer rejected and no longer beaten down.

I’ve found hope and am now made complete.

Loved, cherished, and His beloved is now what I know myself to be.