In the Darkness There Shone a Great Light

It was around this time last year, maybe even down the week, that my life fell apart. My relationship with my best friend was exploding, I was in a job I hated and drained the life out of me, I was crying out to God desperate to hear His voice and He was silent. I had become so convinced that I was a menace to society that I almost dropped my entire life and checked myself into a mental health ward. Convinced that God had turned his back on me, convinced that I was such a bad person...it was emotionally abusive and I was as close to walking through hell as I could ever have come. I had lost all semblance of who I was and I was in the thickest darkness I could have walked through in my life. At my most intense point God broke through shouting "You are My Daughter! You are My Child!" Driving deep into my soul how precious and cherished I was by God.

A year later I'm in a similar place. It feels like every year around this time for the past 7 years something major has happened relationally that has put me into a darkness that is hard to describe. It's like the season of Advent becomes real to me. The skies become darker sooner, the weather colder, the outlook bleaker as we prepare for winter, and it seems that hope is harder to hold onto. This should be a season of joy.

I think of the wise men who had no idea if what they were following was true, but they had faith that all the signs pointed to the coming king. I think of the shepherds, caring for their flock at the personal cost to them. Unsure of how many sheep would survive the next season, unsure of what hope they had for their own future. I think of the inn keeper who was so stressed with the incoming guests that they couldn't see the light before them. And I think of the young couple who had nothing and the weight of the world on their shoulders. And the Roman soldiers, hungry for blood, the evil King desperate to protect His throne. And the 4,000 years that people waited for Jesus to come. Indeed, there was a great darkness.

The season of Advent, although not really observed by myself until this year, has drawn me to seek the Lord time and time again in ways I never would have otherwise. The fact that it has continually been relationship struggles that happen around this time and questioning my identity isn't lost on me. As a connector, relationships are crucial for me. I love with all my heart. And yet the darkness always comes. This season always teaches me where to put my hope and joy. God sometimes removes the very things we cherish in the world so that we can be reminded of the one thing we should cherish more than anything else.

It's a painful surrender. And yet it's the greatest gift that I could have been given. It's a hard eucharisteo. The Christmas season is a time of giving, but it's to be more than a focus on the people in our lives. We are to give out of a heart that has been given and forgiven much. Yes Christmas is about giving, but it's not just about giving to people, it's about giving to God the very thing He cherishes most - our hearts. There's a reason, and a gift, hidden in the depression that comes for many in this season. It's to point us back to the true Light. A refocus of our priorities, the things we cherish, and the places we put our dependency and hope.

As I've walked through the last couple weeks under intense depression and anxiety because of yet another relationship struggle, it's helped me to put aside my anger at God for this last year and instead receive His comfort and love. I haven't been really able to do that in a long time. There were definite pieces of my heart that died last year and yet I keep living. There are definite disappointments in this season about where my life is at. And yet God has given a hope and light that can pierce any darkness we are in. The Light is not found in the people around us, the work we do, nor the accomplishments in our life. It's found in the One who became like us, so that He could know personally and intimately who we are. To relate to us in terms we can understand. It's easy to connect our hearts to innocence and goodness. It's easy to surrender our walls when someone else is vulnerable with us. So God came to earth as a baby. The place of primary connection. The bond to the eternal began with hope and light, new life.

My hope and prayer for you and for me this Advent season is that we would turn and return our focus and our life to the place of Light. The place of primary connection and community. God gives us these holidays to reflect who He is and to show us His love. There is a deep level of darkness in this season and yet there is a Hope, a Light that shines brighter. Sometimes God has to remove things in our life, even good things, that distract us from fully entering into that Light with Him because He cherishes our hearts above all else. I pray that we can enter into that place together this Christmas season.