My 2016 in Review (Part 1): "This was not a part of the plan God!"

For several years now, God has really been drilling it into me that I am not in control. The world does not revolve around me. And that He alone is sovereign and I am called to surrender to Him alone.

And yet I still find myself forgetting...and relearning.

This was one lesson I learned in 2016. The year started great with a dear group of friends. We had a party complete with games, food, laughter. Friends I was just beginning to know as I was working on maintaining a semblance of myself in the face of a lot of very hard things, including the end of my friendship with my best friend. "God this was not a part of the plan!" I cried out in anger as my heart broken inside; torn in this moment.

God's silence was not a part of the plan. Why, oh why was God silent? Had I disappointed Him?

Being moved to claims was not a part of the plan. My anxiety went through the roof and I had become a shell of a person; uncertain of who I really was anymore. Pieces of my heart dying was not a part of the plan. Weary, very weary and wanting to run away. Having to move a second time (end of April) when I just moved into my first apartment in October was not a part of the plan. "God this was not a part of the plan! Where are you?!" I screamed at the sky...hurt and angry. "No, no this was not a part of the plan." The numbness set in, my heart became bitter at God. Certain that everyone around me was going to leave me too.

Then a door was opened for me to leave my job. And another door opened for a wonderful, short-term place to live during the summer. And I left my job on good-terms and no longer had to deal with the relationship tension. "Well God, that definitely wasn't a part of the plan but thank you!"

And then Family Innovations happened. And I was able to rest and took a three day solitude retreat to reconnect with God. Him working on so much during those three days was beyond what was expected but I welcomed it. Throw in another sudden move (which I was again angry about). Then there was peace...peace and refuge.

Friends were good. Work was good. God and I were working to get on way better terms. Lasted two months. Then school, work, life balance - all a juggling act and I was running on full cylinders, ready to crash. Uncertain about letting people in, certain they were going to leave me too because apparently people can't handle my stress when I become stressed. I struggle to connect with God. I struggle because I know I'm not where I want to be, where I need to be...where I'm meant to be in my relationship with God. This disconnect was not a part of the plan. I needed this to be good. I needed this to be certain. But it was I who wasn't certain.

So I push for health and wholeness. I take 21 days to eat and exercise healthily. I feel my body growing stronger, my mind growing stronger. And I'm ready to step into the next phase of my therapy to really find the healing I need. And right when I said yes all hell broke loose in my life again. My heart broken over what I thought could be...at least I thought we were good friends. This doesn't make sense Lord! "This wasn't a part of the plan!"

Three weeks of intense emotions, depression, hard days at work. Long nights. "Lord this hurts! This wasn't supposed to go this way. I wasn't supposed to lose another friend!" And yet it was in this loss the light broke through. I sat and received God's love. Strength seeped into my bones, energy into my veins, and life back into my soul. I prayed. I journaled. I listened to worship music for hours. I had not been able to do that for a year (or more).

I began my EMDR therapy. I was back in the garden with Jesus. Except this time it was here in the garden, with God, that my brain was being transformed. "Well this was not a part of the plan, but I welcome it!"

School, work, life - the juggling act much more intensified as the term comes to a close. I'm still running on full cylinders but I can maintain it much better. One ball is finally gone...now it's work and life and work and life. Much more comfortable...until the last couple days. "What? God, this was not a part of the plan!..."

"Surrender, Precious One...Trust Me." Says the Father.

2016 will be looked back on as the year that surprised us all. I can honestly say if there was one year in my life (so far) where EVERYTHING was shaken that could be shaken it was 2016. Nothing went according to plan, nothing appeared stable or consistent or dependable. And yet this was the year that God grew me the most. I developed assertiveness for one! I learned to maintain healthier boundaries in relationships! I learned how to be OK being around men and even began having guy friends! I'm stepping into ministry, I'm doing things I was afraid of...this was the year that changed me because almost nothing went according to plan and yet God carried me through, steadied me in the storm, and equipped me for the journey.

I think the shakings come to push us to dig our roots deeper, to wrap ourselves around the bedrock - that which CANNOT be shaken. It hurts, it's uncomfortable, and it's definitely not easy to see it that way in the midst of the earthquake. But it's when we surrender our control to His control that life happens.

Isaiah 58:8-12

"Then your salvation will come like the dawn, and your wounds will quickly heal. Your godliness will lead you forward, and the glory of the Lord will protect you from behind. Then when you call, the Lord will answer. ‘Yes, I am here,’ he will quickly reply. “Remove the heavy yoke of oppression. Stop pointing your finger and spreading vicious rumors! Feed the hungry, and help those in trouble.
Then your light will shine out from the darkness, and the darkness around you will be as bright as noon. The Lord will guide you continually, giving you water when you are dry and restoring your strength. You will be like a well-watered garden, like an ever-flowing spring. Some of you will rebuild the deserted ruins of your cities. Then you will be known as a rebuilder of walls and a restorer of homes."

Be blessed Beloved!